Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

All blog post Moxie Living

What Is Confidence?

Confidence is pretty easy to define:

  1. Trust or faith in a person or thing
  2. The state of being certain

Okay…yada yada yada. Dictionary defintions don’t cut when a lack of confidence and low self esteem exist.

But getting to a definition of confidence, one that is going to suit everyone is rather tricky.  It’s so darn personal.

How does the following grab you?

Confidence is your ability, determination, resilience, positivitity and motivation to reach your end result.

Combined with the dictionary definitions it would read:

‘that you trust yourself enough that whatever you set out to achieve you will adopt the mindset that it is possible, that you’re able to follow it through, no matter the setbacks, jumping the fear to get to wherever it is you want to go.’

Is the ‘problem’ we can’t physically see confidence, we feel it, it’s a mindset, a behaviour, a way of being.

You definitely know when you have it and when you don’t, and isn’t it funny how we can feel high confidence in some areas of our lives, and none in others.

For example, you can be a confident parent and at the same time lack confidence in a social situations.  You can confidently discuss your plans, hopes and dreams with friends but lack the confidence to discuss these same topics with a potential employer during an interview.

When working with clients, they may start by saying ‘I’m not confident’, however in no time at all, we usually are talking about fears:

  • the fear of failure
  • the fear of ridicule
  • the fear of judgement
  • the fear of lack
  • the fear of change
  • the fear of being authentic
  • the fear of uncertainty and so on.

And To Confuse Matters We Attach Confidence to Success

Confidence is not success and success is not confidence.

Let me give you an example of why I believe this is true:

Let’s say you have just walked out of an interview and you 100% feel you have done your best: you know they liked you, you answered amazingly well, you leave feeling fantastic, there is NO way they would not employ you, people phone you and you say ‘its in the bag’.

Then, two days later you receive the slim, white enveloped ‘no’ letter.

Bang!

You’re all tears and snotters, then anger.

You may start the mental process and think ‘what’s wrong with me’.

You’re so gutted, you may decide, after one life event not to apply for a job for a while.

In fact, you may decide not to get excited about applying for work again.  You decide that you will not put as much effort, planning or thought into your next interview. Then surprise surprise you then believe that you are not worthy of a job anyway!

And there we have it.  An example of success and confidence having a rather wicked relationship and playing havoc with your brain and you’re your emotions.

The two are related that’s sure.  But distant relatives.  Second cousins. Now imagine the letter said ‘yes’ your confidence about your success would be through the roof.

You would associate the two are one and the same.

Here’s a some questions to help you discover what confidence means to you.

They’ll help you determine your own definition of confidence, I would suggest to you to write the answers our, and spend time on them.

Maybe start today and then revisit again at the weekend?

  • When you say ‘I’m not confidence enough’, specifically what do you mean?
  • When you say ‘I wish I were more confident’, what behaviours and attributes would you have?
  • In what areas of your life do you wish you had more confidence?
  • What 3 words would you use to describe confidence?
  • Has there been a time in the past when you felt more confidence? How did it feel?
  • Was there an event that happened (an experience) which you can pinpoint as the start of the lack?
  • If it doesn’t change, what will happen?
  • If it did increase, what will happen?

Let me know how you get on with those, feel free to leave a message below, if you’re stuck or need clarification.

How Do You Choose The Right Personal Development Course?

Hug a Tree Today!

As a personal development trainer and coach, my journey has led me to try out a range of therapies, treatments, courses, ideas and theories over the years.

I’ve had my body covered in smelly oils and been worked by the elbows, hands and feet of strangers.

I’ve lay on grass as hot stones were placed on my meridian lines and wrapped in smelly crap + gunk, sorry, life, from the sea.

I’ve allowed healing hands to pass over my clothed body and chosen to have my auras cleansed and charkas re-aligned. I’ve sat in forgiveness circles and needed a Tena Lady at Laughter yoga.

I’ve screamed to the pain of reflexology and laughed uncontrollably as a shaman worked his stuff with his snuff, only to then burst into tears.

I’ll admit I do prefer latte to tai chi, and I’ve giggled my way through a rebirth-y-thing, which was just meh.

I’ve walked on fire, drummed in the woods at midnight, sat naked once in a tent.

Then there’s being tapped, attuned, swished and hypnotised and spent loving moments getting cosy with my nemesis snakes and spiders.

Yeah, I agree, there are quite a few to choose from. And we haven’t even started on the success-skills-personally-developmentie stuff yet.

For the most part, many were pleasant, a few amazing, others I found boring.

And some I regret as I couldn’t stop thinking ‘this has cost me how fecking much’, and others, well, they gave me an experience as tangible as the dog that lies now at my feet or the air I breathe.

What Results Are You Seeking?

See, I received an email recently that asked ‘how can I choose a personal development course, I want to learn more this year, but there are too many options to choose from’.

The question was ‘how can you choose the right course for you?’ my honest answer is: I cannot answer.

I don’t know you personally, I have no idea what you’re searching, seeking or what you feel as though you are missing (if anything).  What results are you looking for?

And the big question, do you need to ‘pay’ for what you already have and are perhaps afraid to use?

Life is Personal. Develop It.

I think, personal development is giving yourself a challenge of a lifetime: there is no choosing, except perhaps when you do have pay for the knowledge you think you are missing.

And just because someone says ‘it’ll change your life’ or ‘it’s the easiest way to [insert desired result]’ this is true, to them.

It’s their experience, not yours.

Let me give you an example: a few years ago when I was feeling less than my usual 95% positive, very tired, pissed off with life in general and needed a pick me up, I went for a walk.

6 days and 96 miles later I ended up in Fort William, after having completed the West Highland Way.  It was one of those tangible experiences I mentioned above and involved nothing being done to me.  I set out on a walk, what I received was clarity, peace and for a very long time a clear, focused, calm mind (what I needed). I came back a nice person again.

But that’s not why I walked. Was it the walking, the silence, the breathing, the beauty, the challenge?

Who knows?  It was solely my experience, and as such, it needs no explanation. That is the same for you. What you choose for you needs no explanation, if it works, great!

Will everyone there have the same experience or feel the way I feel? No, it’ll be unique to them. For some their life will be changed forever, others will think, it was okay, and others will think what the hell was the fuss about.

My point: never believe you have to choose one over another, what you decide will be the best decision for you at this time, there is more time to come and other decisions waiting to be made.

Oh, and keep going, would be my next recommendation.

I see this happening a lot, especially in the healing/helping world, when people find their ‘thing’ they can close down to other possibilities and options.

Even today, I still choose to go on courses and programmes, because I’m aware that others have information, knowledge and ideas that can add value to my own life and those of my clients. In other words, dive into learning.

And also I would advise to search outside the realms of the world of personal development, (I believe) what we need to learn can happen anywhere.  (But that’s my experience. Yours may be different.)

Here’s a few questions to help you choose:

  1. Why is it important for you to develop yourself?
  2. What is happening right now in your life that has led you seeking a programme in personal development?
  3. What do you hope to achieve by following a specific course?
  4. Are there any alternatives?
  5. How will you know you have achieved what you set out to learn?

Oh and if cost is a factor or is a limit to your choices: take a look at meetup.com there may be a group that practices what you want to know in your area. When you get there, just enter the cities closest to you,  or even start a group!

And on a final note, the choosing is actually the easiest part.  I recommend to people not to book another course or buy another book until they have at least applied 20% of what  already bought.

Oh wait, and the final final note. When you speak to those in the personal development professions (therapies etc) be aware if they want to ‘hold onto you as a client’, a great therapist should give you options, if they do you’ll know they have your interests at heart, not their pocket.

Your Turn

Where did you receive the biggest and most rewarding ‘unexpected learning’?

Vulnerability – Are You Putting On a Front?

Vulnerability – What Masks Do You Wear

In a recent email I received it said:

‘I always put on a front, I know I’m doing it, I just wish I had the confidence to remove it but I’m scared what others will think, to be me is so vulnerable’.

Why are we so scared to display our vulnerabilities?

Vulnerability.

Is it just basic survival of the self: we don’t want to appear weak, lacking strength or unable to manage?

Is it all our conditioning?  Even in this day and age we hear messages  given to children such as ‘boys don’t cry’ or ‘that’s girls for you, over emotional’.

Do we learn people pleasing as children?  Are we taught how to cover up as we grow up?

Would it be a good time to remind ourselves that all of us have felt vulnerable at some point in life?

Yes, even those who ‘appear’ extremely confident on the outside may have periods of self doubt, question abilities, are scared about exposing themselves: every now and then?

When you are ‘masking’ yourself, is it highly probably that others are doing exactly the same?

The first steps to removing the front (I believe) is acceptance: acceptance that ‘you’re only human’, that at times you may need to call upon the help and support from others, that self discloser of your vulnerabilities to others is not weak, that showing emotion and admitting your failings and shortcomings is a powerful act.

What would the world be like if we all dropped the masks and exposed the ‘real’ us?  Do we need to wear some of a mask in order to protect ourselves and keep us safe?  Should we keep parts of us hidden?

Maybe it’s one of the dis-eases of self-help and personal development, have we swung to far?

What do you think?

 

What Are Effective Communication Skills?

'A Picture Tells a Thousand Stories'

I’ve just been supporting a client complete an application form, one of the ‘essential’ criteria for the role listed in the job description is ‘effective communication skills’.  (My brain asked ‘effective to what, to whom’?)

What I regard as effective communication skills are going to be very different to yours.

Are they…

Listening – there is such truth in the saying ‘we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak’, so why are most of us not that great at it? 

Real listening, the ‘listening to understand, not respond’  is tough going for our busy ‘fill in the blanks’ brains.  When did you last really listen?

Empathy – being able to identify with what another person is feeling.  Saying ‘I know how you feel’ is not the same, as ‘I understand how you feel’ (because we cannot ever truly know how a person is feeling).  We all have our own ‘maps’ and our own references to the world around us.  True empathy is about being able to understand and step into another’s world and to it view from their experiences, not ours. 

Genuineness  – the ability to be honest and true about who and what you are.  Congruence is a similar word meaning:  you are what you say you are.  When you communicate it’s the real you not a made up, fake, false representation.

Non-Judgemental – remaining open minded and hearing another view point, even when you completely disagree?  It’s a tough one, like listening many say they ‘don’t judge’.  That means sometimes holding onto your own opinion, complete acceptance that what the other is doing, being or saying is right to them! 

Seeking Clarity – have you ever received the wrong message?  Misinterpretation? Did you seek clarity?  Understanding?  Were you able to backtrack and clear up what the message meant?  There is always time to revisit and ask for specifics. 

Being Present – be there, mind and body.  Give the messages you receive 100% attention.  Stop everything else and focus.  

Confidentiality – not just reserved for the therapists couch! Developing your own code of ethics is simple; ask yourself this ‘when I disclose information to another what would I expect’? Give the same in return.

What would you say are ‘effective communication skills’? 

7 Ways to Let Go of Emotional Baggage

When I’m working with clients I use the term ‘emotional baggage’ to refer to the unresolved emotional pain that they are storing in their unconscious mind.

When triggered the person with the unresolved issues can react in extremely negative ways, and they also may find that the same life situations repeat over and over.

7 Ways to Start Letting Go…

1. Find support – if you know that you are carrying any negative emotions from experiences and events of the past, and they keep on repeating — get help, unbiased help.  Yes, friends and family are great to talk to, however are they the right people for what you seek, is it time to use a qualified professional?

2. Acknowledge the feeling – the first step of ridding yourself of a negative emotions (or a fear) is to admit that you have it in the first place.  Many ‘sweep’ their emotions away – undealt with it will continue to occur time and time again.  You don’t need to accept, just acknowledge it’s present.

3. Explore how it got there. Yes this could be painful.  You may not remember the exact experience detail by detail, however with help you will be able to look at your triggers and work out alternative behaviours to use.

4. Focus on what you would like to feel instead, takes practice, yet knowing what your feeling and why your feeling it plus having the skill to change is one worth learning.

5. Work on your thoughts. If you have emotional baggage, the chances are that when an external event occurs that triggers your reaction you ‘think’ in a certain way.  Train yourself on how to stop the negative thoughts patterns (there are tools for this, takes massive conscious action)

6. Reassure avoid or maintain a distance with those who ‘press your triggers’ while you are working on you.  If no physical space can be created, at least set and maintain your own mental boundaries.

7. Choose to let go  – this is actually much easier than what many believe.  You could start with repeating phrases such as ‘today, I use my emotions to my best intent’ or easier ‘I’m letting go’.  Strange?  Yes, if it’s not your language, practice and choose to adopt it as your own.

New Year, New YOU (Lets Not Get Carried Away)

Have you been noticing all the new year, new you marketing messages?

Before you send away for a years supply of a  slimming drink, 12 months membership to ‘Your Future Year in Astrology’, a ‘Hip, Bum and Tums’ implement of torture from QVC or ‘At Home Lipo Suction Toolkit’ with $4000 in bonuses (WOW) from some 4am dodgy shopping channel, get yourself a mince pie and pause a minute…

A new ‘calander’ year is nearly upon us both, this is true, are you ready to embrace it or are you going to go through a ritual of self-punishment and abuse as you plan a ‘rebirth’ for yourself via new year resolutions generally written out of sheer panic.

The coming of a New Year does carry an outstanding amount of hope, optimism and freshness (psychologically the use of the word ‘new’ being a leading contributor, let’s leave language and triggers for another day).  Is it because 1st January is the only day of the year when we’re fully aware, present and paying attention to the passing of our clock time, is that why we become melancholy and introspective about it?

When you’re celebrating are you conscious about the hands on the clock “half an hour to go, ten minutes, five minutes, 20 seconds, 10, 9, 8…Happy New Year!”   Is there another time in the year you do this?

Some people who realise that their time here is indeed passing and becoming less, set about creating for themselves little life instructions; resolving ‘problems’ or finding solutions, breaking negative habits, they decide that they are not going to be the same person this year as last year, and they consider to do all this at the stroke of midnight on ONE day of the year!

No, I’m not belittling resolutions it’s the ‘done once a year’ part that I’ve got a bee in my bonnet with!  I applaud the act of resolving problems, goal setting, planning and future pacing.  I congratulate and I’m always in awe of an individual who is willing and committed to spending more time thinking about their life than they do planning a two week holiday every year!

We all have unlimited potential to create a life of our own choosing, of course we do, more than we could possibly need in an entire lifetime.  Yet new year resolutions don’t cut it – for at least 90% of people who ONLY set them!  The person declaring ‘I’m giving up smoking’ or ‘I’m going to be thin’ or ‘I’ll find the perfect partner’, backed by airy fairy and wishy-washy happy clappy thinking may find they are done, failed and dusted by the 5th of January, then leave it until the next 1st of January before they start again.

However if they had started out strong with a clearly defined plan and map PLUS a desire to break through all and every barrier that could be thrown in their way, like a ninja or warrior armed to the teeth with ideas, creativity, commitment, solutions, determination, drive and prepared to sweat really hard if needed they may have had a very different result.

If they had first resolved to be full of resolve!  Not quitting, giving up or let their ‘hope’ falter.

Here’s the thing, it really doesn’t matter what day of the year it is for us to resolve that the past has gone and that we have 365 daily opportunities for creating and carving a new way of life, for 100% believing in ourselves and our abilities to find solutions for problems (that we are part of and may have created).

That every day we can make things happen or not.  

That we don’t need to wait for the clock hands to make the choice that all time is our time.

That we are and always will be the same people today as what we were yesterday or last year however, we have more than enough potential to aspire, create and carve our alternatives.

If you wake up each day, are you able to hold onto the feeling and hope that a new year brings?  Please don’t waste it, don’t let ‘clock time’ determine when it’s your time — it’s always yours, the question is do you have the resolve to take it?

Happy All and Everything!