Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

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Life, Living In The Moment, Pivotal Moments & More Questions Than Answers

November 13 Dawn

Three separate days, three different people and the same topic(s) of conversation: life, living in the moment and ordinary moments that turned out to be pretty darned pivotal.

Yes, it was a conversation that left us asking more questions and looking quite stumped.

We spoke of those simple moments that instigated extraordinary change. Moments that only with 20/20 and total awareness we could pinpoint as being pivotal.

One of the people I spoke to is in recovery: it wasn’t the AA meetings, the counselling sessions, the retreats, the Antabuse tablets, trips to the shrink, or a judgemental (their words) coach that that sparked their pivoting.

It was a quote, heard on TV the day they weren’t meant to be watching:

Infinite love is the only truth. Everything else is illusion.

Bang. Pivotal moment. (Note there was no therapy involved. Fabbylous. Love it. ‘Tis true we are our own best therapists!)

Aside: are we ‘given’ the information we need at exactly the right time when we need it? Or when we are ready to receive and not resist it?

Trickled throughout my own life I observe moments that have swung this living melarkee in a different direction.

The pivotal moments have come in the form of simple statements, brief conversations, an image, perhaps a piece of music or a person who was in my life for the time of the teaching and then left.

And of course the big events, or the events I have been conditioned to believe as big, the pleasant ones and those I describe as emotional horror.

I’m remembering right now the moment when someone asked me at a networking meeting, ‘Hi, where do you add most value?’ not the bog standard and typical ‘What do you do?’

That question stumped me for about two years because I didn’t know when I thought I did.

Further back there was the moment when I heard someone say, ‘You never know when you’re making a difference’, that was in ’96 and it has stuck with me down the years.

Would that mean that every moment has the potential to be pivotal?

I think so, what do you think?

What about the (perceived and taught) big life events?

They’re pivotal, aren’t they? Are they?

In shelf help land and the therapy world beyond there is plenty of instruction about living in the moment. I get it. But I don’t do it. Not enough. I have the learning, practice is still required.

I’ve already confessed to you I have spent more time living event to event, experience to experience and goal to goal. It’s when faced and going through those big life events do I become aware of the what matters.

This might seem silly, but do we need to wait for big life events in order to wake up to life?

We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.

Bill Watterson

We know as human beings time will carry on after we don’t exist, yes?

This is the knowledge we’ve had since the very beginning and yet we still wait. We live in the past, we project into a future, we forget about now. I have learning to do, so excuse me if I say even with the knowing there is some shit that happens in the now that would test the most mindful of souls.

Last week, Tipsy cat died. And as usual during any form of grieving, time appeared stopped and so (bliss) did the thinking around the stuff that really doesn’t matter. No worries. No fears of any external events. The stuff that really doesn’t matter just, well, didn’t. (Hence the bliss!)

I have more questions for you than any answers. I’d love your thoughts in the comments.

Are we cheating ourselves out of life by not being present to live each moment?

Can we always look at each moment as if it’s happening for the first time? If you’re like me and you know that each moment is all we have – not yesterday, nor tomorrow, how do we not let it slip away completely wasted?

Have you ever thought how much time you have wasted reading, learning, listening instruction about living in the moment, have you ever considered that you already know the reality?

Come back in a year or two or forty — I may have thought about this some more after I’ve put in more practice and more conversations that leave me with more questions than answers!

The Nod (The One That Isn’t Coming!)

November 12 Dawn

Waiting On The Nod — Just waiting on The Nod to get utterly soaked and then take crap back from the beach to the car!

Let’s talk about The Nod.

The Nod that you may be waiting on to create that life, the one you really want.

I have two dogs (that’s them in the pic) and they’re great at waiting on The Nod.

They’ve been trained to watch for it. At dinner time they sit and observe as I make their delectable dish.

As I put it down on the floor, they don’t even stick their wet snout in until they are given The Nod.

Crossing roads. They approach a pavement and sit. They look up to me for the The Nod, only when they get it they toddle across.

But.

Who the hell trained you to wait on The Nod?

The permission Nod.

The go-ahead Nod.

The it’s all right by me Nod.

The it’s okay to be you Nod.

The yes, create it, release it, put it out there Nod.

The Nod. Given by others to tell you that:

You’re worthy enough.
You’re capable enough.
You’re ready enough.
You’re good enough.
You’re [insert word you’re waiting on] enough

You’re smart. You know that this behaviour of waiting on The Nod is a pile of kaka. You know that if anything is to be it’s up to you. You know you’re responsible, accountable and have full ownership of your life. You know that. But do you act accordingly?

We both know that as children we lived our entire lives looking upwards towards the adults responsible for us. Waiting for them to give us permission. Yeah, sometimes we didn’t wait when we wished we had, purely to save ourselves getting into bother and trouble.

Hmmm.

You, dear you, have you been so well instructed, submitted to brainwashing and taught to hold back until someone you perceive has more authority, status and power than you (just like the adults growing up) gives you the Nod?

Is that what’s still going on do you think? Are you scared that if you give yourself The Nod, you may get yourself into all sorts of scary, come back, told-you so, what did I tell you backlash?

No Lectures Here

You also know you don’t need to wait on anybody else giving you The Nod to create your life on your terms nor do you need to seek the approval of others.

Your life is in your hands. As soon as you believe and behave that it isn’t you give up your control. You give away your personal power. You surrender little pieces of your own self-worth.

Think about all the goals, dreams, plans and big ideas you have. Now, bring to the picture all the people you are waiting on approval from.

Ask yourself these questions:

Why does their Nod matter more than my own?
If the Nod doesn’t come, what will happen?
How long am I prepared to wait on The Nod?
Why is it okay for me to give this person power and control over my life?

Don’t leave it too late to train yourself to Nod, you may find yourself sitting on the pavement never crossing over to the side of the road you want to travel up next.

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Why The Fear of Change is Like Wearing New Pants

October 15 Dawn

Sometimes, when my underwear matches my outfit, it makes me feel like I really have my life together. By Somebody.

Fear of Change I think one of the ‘worst’ mindsets is indecision.

The personal thought battle of, “Will I? Won’t I? I can. I can’t. Maybe. I can’t. No. Maybe. Oh I don’t know. I can’t. Yes. No.”

It stinks.

I don’t know anyone who hasn’t ever been in the ring at that internal fight.

That fight is bloody enough, more gruesome is the fight of making the decision to change, starting, then when it gets it a teeny-weeny-little-bit-eeky uncomfortable stopping and retreating backwards.

Example 1: you’re terrified to market your business and put yourself out there. You pimp a coach. You go through the coach-y process. You decide what you need to do and then do nothing, the thought of it alone is too uncomfortable.

Example 2: you decide that you need to fill some learning gaps. You book a course. You go on the course. You apply a little but only go so far, the full way is just too uncomfortable.

Example 3: you decide to kick start a healthier you. You go to the gym (once) and it hurts psychically and mentally as you look around and watch the other lycra clad dudes and dudettes pump it out, you feel so out of place and uncomfortable you never go back.

Why do some people ride on through the uncomfortable stage of change where others retreat back to the comfort of what they know?

Let’s discuss.

Change is Like Buying New Pants

Pants as in knickers. Not pants as in trousers. (That’s for you US peeps). You know, undergarments. Knickers. Pronounced: nick-ers. It’s a Scottish thing.

(Aside: If you don’t wear pants. Go with me here and hellyeahwaytogoyou for going commando.)

Most of the women I know have a favourite cut of knickers. Whether it’s bloomers, full, classic, brazilian, shorts, shapers, hipsters, french, thongs, erotic, hipsters – each has a preference.

Everyone (okay maybe not everyone) knows when we’re having an experiment with a new batch of gusset. We’re complaining. We pull at them. We shuffle around to get comfortable. We feel awkward. Things are rubbing where they shouldn’t be. It’s a pretty unpleasant business breaking in new pants.

The first thing we do when we get a home is remove the criminal pants and put on the comfies, yes?

Comfies being the pants that we’re used to. Usually the experimental knickers aren’t worn again for a very long time. Each morning we consider them, remember the pain and reach for the cloth that’s our forever friend.

Unless we keep wearing the new knickers there is no way we will ever be comfortable in wearing them.

(I do realise the above is a sweeping generalisation about the buying habits of women and knickers, forgive me store card holders of Victoria’s Secrets.)

You are hard-wired for change, but it can be uncomfortable

I’m sure we’ve all felt it. When things start to happen. When we start to take action. Implement. Put focus on what needs our attention. It can feel like we’ve opened an imaginary portal to all the crap we’ve been trying to keep locked away, hiding, perhaps avoiding, ignoring and resisting.

This is the best time of change. The very best. It’s in this period that you know what you’re really made of.

What?!

Okay.

This is the point when you feel you’re perhaps out your depth. Feeling and being are different.
This is the point where you can make massive leaps. How wonderful to be exposed to your own fears, once you’re aware of them you can deal with them.
This is the point where you’re sweating and wondering, ‘What the hell have I done!’ And a little voice says, ‘It’s okay.’ Sometimes drowned by the big voice saying, ‘Stop and go back to where you belong!’ Key: tell the booming voice to butt out.
This is the point where you need to grab the elastic of your panties and pull them up tight. As this is the point where you will realise that you are made of strong stuff.
This is the point where you allow the power of your imagination to see beyond the present and develop your end-result thinking.
This is the point where you realise the change you want to see happen is all down to you.

When You Feel Uncomfortable

It’s natural. Stepping out of what you know and into the unknown affects us all in different ways. Allow your feelings, yet don’t let your feelings overwhelm you.

Whether you follow through on the change or not, change will have taken place.

Focus on the vision and end-result. Know why you are making the change. Return to that reason often.

Take smaller steps if you have to. And remember you can only ever take one step at a time. The first step is the most important.

Stay focused on the change you want to see, not the challenges to be overcome.

Train your brain and watch your self-talk. Your brain will accept any picture you give it as the truth. Your self-talk will be reflecting that dominant picture.

I’ve a few firewalks coming up, did you know it takes approx 5-6 steps to cross a firewalk. In the pre walk seminar I will say to peeps, ‘If you step on, walk four steps then think this is uncomfortable, for fecks sake don’t turn round and walk back!’

Some laugh and say, ‘Who would do that? That’s stupid.’

Isn’t it just? Who would do that? And yet we do. So,

To Do

Buy new pants. Wear them for a week (wash them of course). Or go commando. See how quickly uncomfortable disappears: it’s just a stage, only temporary.

Think of the areas of your life where you are implementing a change right now and you’re beginning to feel uncomfortable. Visualise the end result. Keep playing that picture until you are at peace with the feelings surrounding the change.

Consider a change you want to make in the coming year. Write down all you can about what you want to make happen. Don’t edit. Be vigilant to any resistance or fear that comes up. Give the feeling attention, but not the thought. Ask yourself, ‘Why am I feeling this?’ Write the answer down. You may have a thought that you are not ‘worthy enough’, then write down, ‘I am worthy’. Or you may think, ‘This is too big for me‘, then write down, ‘I am capable of all I set my mind to’.

Get it? Oh, and these might work. They are affirmations, however you can also use them to reframe negative self-talk.

‘Till next time, lots of love.

Ride the change.

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When Should You Stop Reading About It and Just Do It?

October 12 Dawn

History class. 1st year at High School. The teachers name I’ve forgotten, I have no memory of her face.

The subject was Victorian Britain, the lesson was about children, as young as 5. who were forced to work done coal pits and mines.

I don’t remember what she said. I remember how she got us to never to forget.

For 20 minutes of the lesson she asked us to sit underneath the table.

We were to be Trappers, the name given to the children who sat in a cramped space for 18 hours a day, with no-one to talk to, no light and unable to move freely.

The first five minutes it was funny. The second five minutes it was uncomfortable. The third five minutes it was getting annoying. The last five minutes we were starting to complain.

And the lesson?

It’s stuck.

If you want information read books.

If you want to understand have experiences.

Same in 1st year history class.

Same in life.

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What Life Lessons Are You Leaving for Others?

October 10 Dawn

“I never teach my pupils, I only attempt to provide the conditions in which they can learn.” Albert Einstein

One of my great teachers George Rowney passed some years ago. He was the Zen Master of Whacky, Wonderful and Happiness.

He was Irish. If I were to say to you he was a stereotypical Irishman, you may assume he drank Guinness and was quick witted. You would be correct. The man was hysterical. He also grew the best tomatoes, had the greenest lawn, the sharpest hedges, the worst driving in the world and the best sweeties in his pocket.

If you were to visit him in daylight, the chances were extremely high you would find him in the greenhouse: sitting in his red and white striped deckchair with missing springs, smoking his brought back from holiday pipe and listening to brass bands playing on BBC Radio 4.

When you opened the door you would probably have had take a step back as the smoke escaped.

He served in the WW11. He never spoke of it. Only once.

One day when I tried to ask questions his voice changed pitch and he rubbed his eyes. As an adult I now know he was hiding his personal nightmares and said, “I can’t. I don’t want to remember. Nobody should have to take those orders.”

A compassionate man, his greatest love was his wife. She never got better from a stroke and he became her full-time nurse/carer. He did this for years with no complaint … ever. He took on all the duties that a nurse in a care home has, purely so his love would never have to live in one.

His teachings have never been published anywhere. Until now.

He taught:

Smile. Smiles are like puppies, everyone loves them, everyone picks them up.
Dance whenever you can even if you’ve two left feet.
Never be afraid of the dark. There is always light in the morning.
Always turn around and wave goodbye.
Road trips are an essential part of living life.
Celebrations must be celebrated, even if money is tight.
Play. Always play. There is always time for fun.
Ice cream drinks made with lemonade are essential to a healthy lifestyle.
You can sleep anywhere. But when awake, be alive.
There is no time for regrets. Not if you’re still here
Whenever you can always sing along to the music.
Never follow an order that your values scream against.
You must enjoy a bath and sing in the shower.
Don’t argue when you’re angry.
Roll up your trouser legs + walk barefoot wherever you can.
Greet everyone how you love to be greeted.
Always have butter. Margarine isn’t food.
If you want to create the best garden. Tender it with love.
You can be strong and vulnerable.
Always carry an Emergency Biscuit in your pocket.
Don’t plan for retirement. Retire ‘one day soon’ plans.
Don’t take the car when you can walk.
Speak to everyone you meet.
Dress to please yourself, nobody else.
Love. Real love. It’s not up for question.

When I ran sobbing into his house because I’d flunked half my exams, he took the piece of paper, read it, looked up and said, “One day this won’t matter. Real teachers in life won’t ask you to sit an exam.”

He then dug into his pocket, pulled out a £10 note, handed me it and said, “Nip to the shop, we need lemonade and ice cream for drinks. That’s an order.”

1. Sometimes you don’t need to jump into books and attend courses to remember what you already know.

2. There will come a season when you will cease to exist. For a few seasons after that people will remember your time here. What will they share about you?

And lastly…

Do you/did you have a George Rowney person (my Granda) in your life? What are a few of their unpublished teachings? Please create them in the comments.

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Event: Open Fundraising + Charity Firewalk 1st December, Edinburgh

October 8 Dawn

What if …

You did something that would inspire the pants of you and inspire others?
You did something that you always thought was impossible? How would that impact your life?
You could replicate the state of mind you had while walking on fire into other areas of your life?

The firewalk is one of those life changing experiences where you can’t truly explain it until you’ve done it. Some think it’s not possible (it is), some think it’s a trick (it’s not), some think it’s not a real fire (eh?).

Firewalks are an extreme metaphor for personal growth:

It’s not about walking on fire, it’s about breaking limiting beliefs.
It’s not about hypnosis or tricks, it’s about you using all your personal power and potential.
It’s not about facing fears, it’s blasting through the false truths.

About this walk:

As well as challenging yourself (and discover what is possible for you) you can raise money for your favourite charity or cause.

Being an open event, you get to choose who you walk for.

Perfect.

Hot Stuff.

Wonderful.