And, quite possibly the worst title for a blog post e-v-e-r when it comes to SEO.
How often have you stopped carrying out a task (or a series of tasks) in your solo business because:
a) you’re scared of what people may say
b) you think it’s not the best you can do
c) it’s not perfect
d) you don’t think you have the right
e) you’re not good enough, ‘they’ are better
f) you don’t want to upset someone
g) you think it’s been said already
h) you’re holding back because…
i) you’re waiting until all conditions are perfect
j) [insert another of your choice]
A confession.
From A through to J, I can tick them all.
There, it’s out.
I got in bed with fear.
The affair didn’t last long but I admit I did try to hide it from you. It felt awfully seedy at the time, I didn’t know how you would take it if I told you, so like most solo biz owners I kept it to myself.
I let fear woe me. I let it convince me that it knew best.
Thankfully, I didn’t expose it to all areas of my life, however for a while there it had full access to all the comings and goings in my biz. Since our last split I’ve heard through the grapevine that other solo business owners have a not so good track record of falling for it’s cold charms.
Instead of admitting:
‘We’re scared’
We just plod on, head down, alone, doing our best on a daily basis to somewhat resemble our LinkedIn picture and never letting anyone see us cavorting the-not-so-merry-dance with fear.
Functioning Fearingscaredycat
Fear and I had a pretty intense relationship for a bit. Deep.
There are some that use the phrase functioning alcoholic, for people who are able to lead a ‘normal’ (whatever normal is!) day to day existence, even though they have a substance addiction. I was a ‘functioning fearingscardeycat’, able to do the work I do best and at the same time be fearful of too much going on behind the scenes.
Even as I write fear is here with me, its over there sitting in the corner and ready to pounce, get down you rascal. It’s a fecking pest.
The weakest thing about fear is: when you become aware of it, acknowledge but not accept it’s ‘irrational word’, you can pretty much expose it as the conniving and deceitful ruffian that it is.
Have you and fear ever got it together?
See, I’ve since learned that the little creeplet had been seeing others behind my back.
Oh no, not happy with everything I was providing and feeding it, the loser has been hanging out with others to see what it could take.
Fear and I began to hook up when I started making changes in my business, when I choose to no longer hide behind a business name and fancy pants logo. The reason for the change is another post, but the changes meant that everything I did/do/will do is ‘out there’, that I was/would/will be exposed, vulnerable and open to judgement.
Fear loved this move, I swear it did cartwheels as I basically just gave it an open invitation into my lizard brain.
My relationship with fear should’ve ended when I got upset over an email telling me I had a ‘spelling mistake and why should I listen to you if you can’t spell properly.’
Fear said ‘don’t publish anything ever again, that way you won’t upset anyone’.
(Love said, ‘Fuck it, let it go‘.)
I didn’t publish, for a while. Sorry love.
There are so many examples of what fear said. I could be here all day listing them for you.
Fear doesn’t hold anything back when it starts an assault.
Fear is a never ending stream of ‘shoulds, oughts, musts, dont’s’.
Fear never shuts up until we gag the little parasite.
Pack it.
Boot it.
It likes nothing better to remind us consistently of our weaknesses and shortcomings.
I know about fear, I supposedly help others end their relationship with it.
At the time, fear loved that: it would say “hypocrite, you shouldn’t be doing your job, you tell people to quit fear, but you can’t get over me”. It would then carry on putting doubts in my head. It grabbed me at my core and for a while made me question everything I was, and what I was doing.
When fear grips, creativity flees. The two can’t compete head to head (at least not in mine!)
Fear will strip everything away, if you let it consume you. Everything.
Fear doesn’t care, it will hook itself onto your vulnerabilies and try every dirty tactic to remind you of them.
Fear happily keeps on taking and talking, destroying, doubting, ripping, sabotaging and belittling.
Eventually ‘you’ disappear and fear makes all the decisions in your little business for you.
Beware Love Incoming
Fear and love are polarities apart.
If fear is fed, it grows.
If love is fed, it grows.
Simple.
Love dispels fear.
Love is the antidote to fear.
Are you lovingly creating your great work today, or are you operating from fear?
If from fear, fear has you exactly where it wants you.
I use the word love because it’s never (or hardly) spoken about in the same breath as ‘business’.
But it’s the love for what we do that made us take the solo journey in the first place, yes?
Is it not the love for our ‘why’ and the legacy we want to leave that makes us work harder than we have never worked in our life?
Is it not love that separates us solo biz owners from the faceless corporate identities?
I think so. So, I’ll use the word love.
Love came back after I found the courage, balls, grit and confidence to admit ‘I’m scared’, then some of the most amazing people appeared, as if on cue. Events started happening. Connections were made.
Which confirms for me as soon as we say openly about what we need, we open our hearts to seeing it. Again, another post! And I’m utterly convinced that it doesn’t matter if it’s life, career, business. Connection is vital to all of it.
Plan for The Worst, Expect The Best + Likelihood
If you take nothing else from this post take this: most solo business owners have felt fear at some stage. And I guarantee what you fear, someone else may say ‘really, that scares you.‘ And what they fear, you may say ‘really, that scares you.’
It’s personal fear. Really personal.
We start up businesses not knowing what is going to come up, or what we will need to face the trials and tribulations of what’s going to come up down the line.
Here’s a few questions for you, when answering them think of the best and worst case scenario and think about the likelihood of it happening.
What are you not doing because you don’t want your vulnerabilities exposed? Worst + Best Case Scenario/Likelihood?
Where are you holding back on because you don’t want anyone to judge you? Worst + Best Case Scenario/Likelihood?
What one piece of negativity have you allowed to dominate your future actions? Why? What purpose? Why did this matter? Past learning? Is it true?
Who can you turn to and say ‘I’m scared’, and they will help expose the real fear and not rescue you?
What do you need to do to end your relationship with persistent fear?
What if you were aware that fear may rise but you had all the tools to make it go away, what would they be?
What scares you? Is it something you know someone else can help you with? Have you reached out to them?
Are your fears personal? Where do they link to the past?
Do you own an idea to do things ‘your way’ but your scared to step our from the norm? Worst + Best Case Scenario/Likelihood?
What are you consistently repeating but it’s not working? This post may help
If you had no fear, what would your business look to you? How would it feel? What would be happening? Do you have the resources now?
What is the source of your fears? Is it something that happened recently in your business, or does it go further back?
What is no longer good enough for you, or your small business? Why are they still there? Do they serve you?
Ideas for Exposing Fear:
1. Name your Fear. Naming it gives you something to talk at. My fear is called Billy. When Billy pipes up in my head, it’s pretty easy to say to quieten them down. Plus Billy makes me laugh, chosen after Billy Connelly (comedian), it’s hard to ‘see’ fear when you see Billy C at his best in your head.
2. Surround Yourself With Fabulous People. I don’t mean ‘there, there’ people. I mean people who will call you to task on your fears. Start a mastermind group. Meet with a couple (or more) other solo business owners once a week. Who? Well, who do you communicate most with? Just write to them. See if they would be interested in starting ‘something’ up. You don’t need to name it anything specific. Send them to this post.
3. Have a Mantra/Saying/Thought. One of mine is Let It Be Easy and another is Take Good Care of The Caretaker. Choose the most inspiring positive statement that you have ever read, one that kicks it for you. Have a nosey here. Or here. Once you find it write it down on post-it’s and slap them everywhere. Even in your diary. They can be removed a) when you have guests and b) when it’s your automatic thought when you feel fear, stress or anxiety.
4. Know Your Triggers Before They Happen. Go through the questions above and recognise what triggers fear in you. Having a plan or a ‘what would I do if‘ is like not needing the plaster, because you aren’t going to need repaired!
5. Talk to The Fear. When you feel fear, ask it why it’s there. Listen. Then ‘talk’ it down. Tell ‘it’ there is nothing to worry about. Let’s face it, fear isn’t out there, it’s in here.
6. Lean In and Trust Yourself. Practice the fear lean, it starts with saying ‘thank you’ to the fear followed by ‘I can do this’ and then lean. Small steps if you have to.
7. Turn Everything On It’s Head. Remember back at the start I asked you ‘have you ever not carried out a task because…’ and listed a few common fears. Reverse the conversation. So,
- I’m scared of what people may say becomes what people specifically?
- This is not my best I can do becomes best compared to what?
- This is not perfect becomes not perfect compared to what?
- I’m not good enough becomes good enough compared to who?
7 1/2. Do it.
And finally…
Remind yourself 5x a day why you are doing what you’re doing. Fear will probably keep calling. The reasonable thing to do is to keep asking it to leave. One day it may take the hint and go forever, until that day you still have complete control as to whether you let it enter after it knocks.
Please Share Your Thoughts
Have you any ideas for managing fear? What do you tell yourself or do when fear is in your room? If you’re a solo business owner, what fears keeps coming up for you, if any? Do you have a tool, tip, or thought on how to manage fear when it comes?
Dawn,
Great post!
I know that for many this advice may not work, but I have witnessed over and over again that only taking action works for me (when I want to conquer fear).
Many times my fears have been irrational and once I did the thing anyway, it gave a me huge boost in self-confidence.
Maybe it’s was breaking the fear into smaller parts that helped me to cope with it.
Cheers,
Timo
@TimoKiander Hey Timo, how are you?
I don’t think all fear is bad, we need some to get us out the way of moving buses!
But yes the above for me was irrational. It didn’t make sense. But as we know when doubt seeds, it takes root quickly if unchecked.
I ask a lot of my clients, so in a ‘kinda sick way I’m ‘glad’ it happened (now)! Maybe it’s reminded me that to hear or say the words ‘It’s okay’ is sometimes enough. (In my experience) coaches/trainers/peoply helpers are brilliant at doing with others, but not so good at asking for themselves…is it because they are supposed to be seen as ‘sorted’. Ah, who knows.
Anyhoo!
Thank you for your visit., have a beautiful day.
Dawn
This is a very powerful statement Dawn, “When fear grips, creativity flees.”
To do what so many of do in life creativity is tool to our success. Creativity sets you apart. But fear of being different, of trying something new, of being the business that people look at and talk about… That can stop the entire show from taking off.
Great Post!
Thank you
Ryan H.
@Ryan Hanley
Hey you, how are you? Thanks for the comment.
You have pulled a thought in my head…
What do you think, do think the flight would take off for more solo business owners if they ‘were on a plane’ with supportive others, where they were on a trip where they felt they belonged. Even though we were buckled up for the ride in our own seats, how useful is it to know there are people in the rows beside us, taking a trip to a destination?
Thanks for creating more thoughts in my head!
Dawn
@Dawn Barclay There will be those that take to the path of entrepreneur because of a stir in their being…
For everyone else friends make everything better.
I think you’re idea makes perfect sense!
Like everyone, business owners are full of fear. I learned this form a Dutch coach. But actually, why did that open my eyes so much? I could have known anyhow! All of us think all of the others know something or can do things we don’t. All rubbish. For me, ageing did the trick. Fear is leaving me, and more so every year. So the older I get, the happier!
@KittyKilian it’s the ‘cover up’ that takes place Kitty, even I did it. And age does help, I have no idea what happened on the morning of my 40th but something did! :-)
You know, I didn’t think I cared that much about what people said until I got the following Twitter PM just yesterday from someone I followed: “Hi someone is posting horrible things about you” followed by a link.
Of course, I clicked over right away and apparently there was an error and Twitter asked me to log in again. Long story short, I quickly figured out that this person’s Twitter account got hacked into and it was the hacker who sent that PM. All this to get me to click on that link to a phishing site and enter my Twitter account info. Well, I changed my password right away before any damage was done.
But you see what happened? That hacker tapped into what many of us fear: not being liked. That’s why I, someone who can see most phishing scams a mile away, still fell for this one.
As for how I manage my fear? Well, I have my 87-year-old dad to thank for this one. Whenever I’m afraid to do something, I put myself in his shoes. When you’re at that age, the only thing you fear is death. Everything else pretty much takes a back seat. You don’t like me? Who gives a fuck?! I’m too old to care. I only have so much time left on this earth so I’m not going to waste time and energy caring about what you think. I’m gonna do what I’m gonna do. Take it or leave it. Yep, my dad’s fearless. I hope to be like him when I grow up.
@jeannepi Great thought, if you listen to any of Jon Morrow’s interviews you get the same idea… (even though he is overdoing it right now IMHO)
@jeannepi That spammer has really put a lot of thought into that tweet! Like Kitty said maybe age does have a play to part? May you never grow up too much :-)
Wow! Quite a post!! Thank you.
A big reason for my habit shake up coming this summer on my blog is so I can start talking about things I’ve previously been afraid to tackle. I’ve been all vanilla nice because I want to be liked but in the process I’ve lost a bit of my fire and spunk.
I’m facing the fear head on and I truly believe it will ultimately lead to more bliss! I love your concept of the lean in! I will definitely be using it as I go forward!!
@blisshabits Woa? Vanilla Ice? Isn’t it funny, my perceptions are all wrong! Never would have used that phrase for you. Feck, when is the fire and spunk coming home? Exciting times. Are you excited?
The lean is really good (IMO) if you’re a visual person, or someone who likes to take a moment, close your eyes and can see the ‘lean’.
Love this post! I admit it. I’m a fear-aholic. I became so addicted to fear, that I didn’t even realize what I was afraid of. I was just afraid of doing great things. Fear is a master of disguise and he came to me disguised as “thinking big” and “play bigger”…but he was really just distracting me from playing well, being myself and doing my important work.
Thanks so much for the transparent post and the place to stop and recognize that I’m not alone. So I raise my hand with you and say “me too!”
@Steve_Rice Hey Steve, thanks for visiting. So true, ‘do the fecking work’, I def allowed the same distractions. Shutting down the noise did help, the more I listened to the messages like you mentioned, the more my values disappeared…mmm??? You’re not alone. Promise. Not NOW :-) Have a great weekend.
Whoa.
:)
Whoooa.
Awesome post, Dawn. I love the metaphor of fear-as-lover. I love the personal examples, I love the tips, I love it all.
I also feel relatively fearless.
I’ve been through a LOT in my life.
-I’ve been homeless, twice.
-8 failed businesses.
-Traitors + cut-throat friends.
-Arrest, jail (this was such B.S.)
-Lost all possessions (I mean like… all)
-I’ve written about porn, weed and other counter-culture stuff.
-Gone from popular to no friends or support system.
And doing that really taught me that fear is just generally unnecessary under any condition, like… ever.
lol.
@Jason Fonceca Hey Jason! Yep unnecessary and completely irrational…but still, looked what happened, darnit! I love the term fear = False Evidence Appearing Real, ripping it apart to expose it as the mirage that it is. :-) Later you x
Awesome post Dawn! Such high value and so important. Since fear is not external, we create fear – it is internal, that means we are the ones who have the power and control. All we have to do is look fear in the eyes and tell it to go away.
“The biggest mistake we can make in life, is always being fearful we will make one”
I’ve got a really great free eBook on my site “The 5 Roadblocks to Success” which talks about fear, and how to overcome it that would be a great companion to this post. Check it out http://www.stevebaines.biz
Hi Dawn,
I know I’m a freak, but I handle fear (about business stuff) with, “It’s the best I can/could do now.” I(‘ve decided to) know I’ll succeed, so what’s there to fear? :D
@petersandeen Hey Peter thanks commenting. Nothing, nothing to fear, and yet still! Doh! This is the best I can do right now. So true. Have a great weekend, Dawn (fellow proud freak!)
Dawn,
That’s a very inspiring and helpful post. I’ve often pulled back out of fear from taking great opportunities or from executing on possibly great ideas. I’ve found that the more I “practice” ignoring fear the more successful I’ve been. Thank for posting!
@RtMixMktg Gosh apologies Tom — I’ve been slack with replying! You mentioned a good point – the opportunities are usually in what we fear, in my 20’s, yep, didn’t take a few. Regret – no. Learning – hell yes! (Apart from the seedy affair above!) Dawn x
I’ve had a full-blown affair with fear for years. With age, (one of the few advantages of hitting 50), I’ve come to think that the only solution is to say “fuck it, just do it”. Years of various therapies have led me to believe that action is the solution. After all, what’s the worst that can happen? Without wanting to put a downer on this, a friend of mine from school died a couple of months ago from cancer at only just 50. Even if I fail miserably, I’m still here.
@mikegarner Hey Mike! That ‘age’ thing again, agreed, image the no fear at 92! You had an affair too, see? What’s the worse that can happen is a common question in my head. The answer is never that bad. I’m also very sorry for your loss. Dawn
What a great post! I think all of us fear things… because others are looking and we don’t want to look like complete idiots… we don’t want to ruffle feathers… we don’t think we’re good enough…. obviously I could go on and on. Maybe those are my own reasons, but they’re true for a lot of us.
For me, I think I let fear get the most of me when I let thoughts like, “It’s not good enough” get in the way. I have to realize that other people in my field have good things to contribute and so do I. There are enough good ideas to go around. Plus, for me, having a group of people to support me and people to share ideas with is so helpful. They really encourage me and help me to see that.
Thanks for a very encouraging post!
@MeaganVisser Hey Meagan, thanks for visiting. People who you can call on – oh YES! :-)
What an amazing post Dawn – and so honest. Thank you.
I love your concept of turning the conversation with fear on its head. I usually have the following conversation with fear – Me: “is anyone going to die as a result of this action?” Fear: “Well no but…” Me: “Well then screw it, I’m doing it.”
Of course sometimes fear persuades me that I should not do it (I’m not over my affair with it just yet) but on the whole putting it into some context as you suggested usually helps.
@priyachandra Hey Priya — ‘screw it – do it’! I may have to use that one day, if you’ll let me. Had the little blighter been with you too! It’s worse than I thought! :-) xx
@Dawn Barclay fear really is quite the little promiscuous emotion isn’t it? gets around quite a bit judging by our comments! And of course, feel free to use my ‘screw it’ comment, I’m glad you like it.
@Dawn Barclay fear really is quite the little promiscuous emotion isn’t it? gets around quite a bit judging by our comments! And of course, feel free to use my ‘screw it’ comment, I’m glad you like it.
Hi,
Thanks to Kitty, I got to read your post. First of all, I love to see how you write about such an appealing topic in such a personal way. Not only for the ‘solo-businesses’!
I definitely recognise how debilitating fear can be. What I love about your post, is how it show not to try and say “no silly, nothing rational, so just don’t worry”, but actually embrace the fear.
Over the years, I have come to strongly believe that a lot of our fears hold something important that needs to be addressed. When I am afraid to take a loan, I need to do something about my desire to feel fase for instance, in whatever way.
I have found two ways that really work for me, which I think are closely related to the steps you describe:
1) ask myself ‘and what would I like to have happen now’, knowing that the fear is there
2) do the worst-case scenario check: so let’s say my fear becomes reality, what happens then? And then? And then? And at the end: let’s say that this DID happen indeed, then what can I do?
Anything but trying to suppress it, basically!
@Wendy Nieuwland Hey Wendy! Thanks for visiting. Worst case scenario check seems to popular, huh? I just hate to see people struggling on alone with ‘fears’ that if they shared and got another perspective on – it may just reduce it to nothing. I live and hope! Dawn xx