Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

All blog post Moxie Living

Quit Waiting On Permission

Are you waiting on any permission to complete, start, say or do something?

I think I’m going to start giving clients permission slips.

They’ll have themes: permission to make decisions, permission to say what I really feel, permission to think my own thoughts, permission to not wait on life instructions, permission to be awesome, permission to not worry about others think, permission to think differently, permission to question…the list is endless.

Think for a minute.

  • Who’s permission are you waiting on?
  • How long are you choosing to wait?
  • What will happen if it doesn’t come?

Growing up: it was parents, carers and authority figures.

In education, it was your teachers, the systems and the rules.

In the workplace, it’s bosses, managers, rules and regulations.

In society, it’s cultures, global beliefs, friends, acquaintances

Looking at the above, all your life you’ve been told to ‘get permission first’, usually from the most responsible adult in the room.

Someone else has said ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to your request.

Look around you.

Who’s in the room? Are you not the most responsible person who has the most authority about your life?

So the only permission you need to seek is your own.

Complete the following:

Today, I give myself permission to…what?

I give you permission to slap this on a post-it and carry it with you, I found it the other day on my new internet crack addiction (Pinterest)

‘YOU are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking Act Like It’.

Slap.

Until next time.

 

 

 

 

 

Who Else Needs More Self Discipline?

Do you have self discipline? Many don’t, no shame, mainly because they haven’t worked out yet what to get self disciplined about.

  • They wish to be able to play the guitar like Jack White or Jimi Hendrix, but they won’t put the time in to learning the chords and notes.
  • They wish to pen the next Harry Potter or Booker Prize winner, but spend the time watching ‘I’m a Celebrity Get me Out of Here’, rather than write for two hours.
  • They wish to change career or create their own economy, but would rather update their Facebook status with ‘life is shit’ or ‘I really love my job (not)’ and do nothing towards the shift.
  • They want to end living in fear. They won’t apply what they already know, instead they ‘like’ a thousand ‘positive quotes with pretty pictures’ but ask them if they took the information and applied it? They won’t have. They probably don’t even remember what the quote was within in 2 minutes.

This year, I really wanted to avoid the ‘How-To-Live-Your-Best-Life’ post, or the ‘New-Year-New-You-Impossibilities’ post and the ‘Live-The Next-365-Days-With-Kapow and Wow’ post.

But here I am, a week into the new year, and I think this is going to be one of those types of post.

And I would love your ideas and suggestions at the end.

Give Your Year/Week/Month a Theme

See, I’ve decided that this year my life will have two events running throughout, I’m not sure if personal lives can have year long events.  I know it happens in tourism, Edinburgh had  the Year of the Homecoming (when people returned to Scotland with kilts and bagpipes for a weekend.) The Chinese calendar has Year of The Pig, Dog, Cat, Monkey, and mine is…

Ta-raa…

‘The Year of (Use Big Boom Voice) Discipline’

Mmm, it isn’t mega exciting, I know. However done well, it will allow more time for things that really matter.

So. K’tsh. K’tsh. Whip ready? Let’s go…

What exactly am I getting at?

Us Coachy-Peepleey-Helpery-Personal-Developmenty-I-Fied types talk a lot about taking action, setting goals, self talk and the rest ‘ye all!  But hardly ever go heavy on discipline.

In coaching, you could be asked ‘On a scale of 1-10, 10 being committed to meeting your goals for next week, 1 not at all, what number are you?’You’re paying for coaching, so chances are you will keep the peace and declare ’10! Oh 10! Yes! 10! Yes!‘

Which may please the inexperienced coach because they aren’t really that sure about how to question your ambivalence and why you say you are a 5!

Coach-y probably would never say (cough cough) ‘are you going to, or not,  or are you just wasting your time?’

Routines, Regime, Regular

Let’s make one thing clear, we’re talking about having a routine or regime here, one that makes sense, one that is good for you and one that serves you, not severe heavy penalties, commando and ninja style of discipline.

*sigh* It’s not a great word, huh? Past learning and experiences again, darn brain programming and conditioning.

See, I don’t know about you, but for me, discipline conjures up childhood memories of being quickly whipped across the back of the legs as I dived out the road of my mums flapping hand (Why the legs? Why?)

Or it reminds me of those ‘do this, or else’ threats  or ‘Dawn, I’m warning you, if you don’t stop, you can kiss goodbye to (insert pleasurable experience!)

Even at school, I was ‘disciplined’ 4 times by a foot long piece of leather, graciously applied by my Indoctrinator, whoopsie, sorry,  teacher, to my young backside.

So look, I get the fact discipline may not be as rosy and touchy-feely as ‘focus’ or ‘action’ or ‘drive’ or heaven forbid ‘ambition’.

But geez, it’s only a word.

Have you got much discipline? Do you get done what needs to be done? Are you easily distracted?

I think I was 31/32ish before I realised that I perhaps needed a little bit discipline back in my life, you know, my own kind, not the sadistic measurement taken by the adults I had dragging me up.

Back when I was what 15, 16? I exposed myself to this ‘shelf help’ and personal development malarkey. Name the book to tell me how to live a fabbylicious life, I bet I’ve got it.

The next step was training and courses, qualifications,  conferences, NLP, Coaching, Counselling. I ‘learned’ the theories and techniques, and yes, I used them with clients.  I paid attention, studied hard, listened, read, applied but I still wasn’t disciplined.

How did I know? Erm…simple, life sucked!

It continued to suck  just into my 30’s, it wasn’t until I set up my own little biz, that I really started to get serious, and…erm, well, a little bit more disciplined.

You see when you realise that nobody is going to pay you anymore, that you can’t hide behind a team, when you have to make decisions at lightning speed, when all your mistakes, faux pas, misdemeanours and the such are totally your own doing you get serious. You change.

When you can’t ‘pretend’ to be working, or go a week and get to Friday, then say to your workmates ‘I’ve not done much this week’. You learn, apply and get disciplined.

When banks want to talk to you when you have money in your account and when they refuse to even pick up the phone because you don’t have enough, when you have to convince mortgage lenders and mobile phone contractors you’re a safe bet, when you know you and your pets will eat that month if you are serious about what you do.

You accept discipline is part of this process.

Which begs the question, does the mean that when the motivation is high, discipline is more likely to play a part?

How Do You Discipline Yourself? (My Philosophy!)

1. Find What Motivates

Discipline was wasted on me as a youth. Rebel. Oh Yes! (Not as much as my sister though, eek!)

Growing up, the motivation came from not wanting to be controlled by parents or any other adult. Standing firm, wanting to be ‘free’ of them was a great motivator (probably is for any young adult!)

There are days when I would much rather put on a wash, clean the house, cook tea rather than sit down and write a blog post or an update. These ‘tasks’ though are just fillers. They are procrastinators.

Asking yourself ‘what is motivating me to do this’ will probably work better than ‘how can I discipline myself to do this‘.

Or try these, think of the task(s) that need your FULL attention and need done:

  • What will happen after you have completed it?
  • What are the consequences for not finishing?

2. Avoid The 3 W’s: Wishy. Washy. Wasteful.

This is an easy one. Time. How often do you waste it? Time is precious. It slips past.

You don’t have to fill every single minute, of course you don’t, geez, you aren’t superhuman. But there is a clue in the wishing part.

Wishing doesn’t get it done (whatever your it is.)

Where have you wasted so much time? Were you motivated? 

Let’s assume you have everything you need right now to ‘get stuff done’, you may find it useful to set yourself some deadlines, real deadlines. And to do that you may be someone who needs some goals, real goals. Ones that take into account every step.

Want to change career? Then stop ‘wishing’ it were so, and get disciplined. Lay out the all the small steps. And you know, don’t be surprised that once you break it down, it doesn’t look that exciting. But all these steps make up the whole picture.

3. Be Ruthless and Delete, Ignore or Switch Off

Cut out the noise, mind fillers, unnecessary nonsense, and if you keep ‘to-do’ lists, how about deleting what you have been moving for a fortnight, if it was that important would you not have done it already?

To really get disciplined it requires you to pay full attention, refuse to be diverted and give your precious time to others (apart from children and pets!)

Today, stop doing three things that will give you an hour to put the attention back to you.

Need ideas?

Okay, desperate to change career?

I know you won’t give up Coronation Street, Bones or Downton Abbey, but record them. Gain of 10 minutes just by zipping through the adverts. Free up an hour every evening for a month. Make a trade, use the time on Linkedin or Twitter connecting with people who you can network with and connect.

Get your favourite tipple, snacks and music blaring. Make it pleasurable, dammit, make it fun!

Work and little biz:

Check your emails 3 times a day, maximum. Then close the program.

Discipline yourself to an hour tops every day on social media. Try it for a month. Give social media your full attention for an hour each day. Not 10 minutes every hour when what your really doing is procrastinating.

Why Bother With Discipline?

To me, discipline is about giving life some structure, making sure that there is space and time for all the things that need to be in there in my life (and business.)

For me this year, that includes stuff-like: work, business, and that things that really matters stuff-like: family, relationships, being a better auntie, being a more attentive daughter, longer doggy walks, being a friend, shopping, cooking, cleaning (well, maybe), going to the library, out for coffee, meeting people, learning and applying.

The trade will be worth it.

It also means going on a diet (not a foody one), I’m refusing to consume time fillers and continually asking myself ‘what is my purpose in doing this?‘, or ‘is what I’m doing right now, this second adding or taking away value?’

Your Turn…

Would you say you were disciplined? What do you do to get the stuff done that matters? What techniques work for you? Or do you have a theme for the year?

The Secret About Secrets

When it comes to personal and professional growth, there appears to be plenty of secrets around.

You may perceive that others have been granted insider life information and they aren’t afraid to tell and sell you that they have it and you most certainly don’t, and because you don’t you’re the one missing out.

For example, have you ever come across these:

  • The Biggest Kept Secret to Looking and Feeling Great
  • The Number One Secret to Making Next Year Your Best Yet
  • The Secret to Losing Weight, Forever
  • 7 Hidden Secrets to Getting What You Really Want
  • The Secret to Finding Your One True Passion

Fantastic headlines (nothing wrong with that) however there are no secrets.

None.

When you read information about anything being a secret, ask yourself ‘is it really a secret’, if it’s a secret why on earth is the person sharing it?

When anyone is selling you on a secret, they know what they are doing, they have your mind in a state of curiosity, and your brain loves that. Always has. Always will.

Being human we don’t want to be left out, we like being let in on a secret.

It’s ingrained in our conditioning. Remember the days of your childhood when your friend said ‘can you keep a secret’? How special did you feel?

There are no secrets.

Why am I telling you this?

Question everything, you probably know the information already.

Maybe you just need to apply it. And that has never been a secret.

Who do you listen to? Are they accurate?

 

 

 

 

Writing a Personal Mission Statement

It’s nearing the end of the year and chances are, someone somewhere has asked or you’ve read ‘so what are your goals for the New Year’ or worse ‘what are your New Year Resolutions?’

When you read those statements you may get a fleeting little fuzzy picture of some sort of ideal scenario in your mind of how you would like your life to be.

Then it passes as quickly as it came and you carry on doing what you were doing.

See, goals are great, yet they are only guestimations.

And resolutions, well…erm… I’ve said my piece on resolving gunk at new year before, and I still feel the same as I did last year.

Guestimations are fantastic.

Even better is having direction. A mission. A statement of intent if you like.

Let’s play with writing a mission statement:

Assume you’re a cruise ship heading from the Mediterranean to the Bahamas, the chances are you will make it to the sunny shores. You may venture off course every now and then and have to correct yourself by making adjustments to get yourself back on the right path unless you sink, you’ll make it!

You will arrive because you at least know the direction you’re sailing.

You will have set sail with a good enough plan.

Most people set sail in life with no direction.

No plan, no rough idea, or no thought of the land on the horizon.

They have the goal to sail, but that’s it.

The entire crew of your ship before they raised even the anchor knew their mission and direction. Everyone systematically playing their part to make sure that you arrive in one piece.

Do you have a mission statement?

Have you sat down and thought (great first step, thinking that is), then captured (written, even better second step) your mission statement?

It’s not the easiest task in the world.

Mainly because it’s not something we’re taught and does require a little self-reflection and awareness. And you may need to ask yourself some breakthrough ‘Quest-ions’.

How to write a mission statement

Just write. Bullets, words, statements, remember the quotes that have stuck in your mind? Maybe they will help. I know, you may be have expected some secret tool, but there isn’t one.

In short, you want to create a statement (how long is up to you) about who how you want to live your life and what person do you want to be.

Remember the ‘fuzzy little picture’ you get when people ask you what are your goals? You only need to spend some time making those pictures clearer. Seeing and describing what would be your ideal (make sure your mission isn’t someone else’s mission.)

Don’t edit, plenty time to refine later, just write.

You do know how you want your life to be, we all do.

Consider your career, your business (if you have one), lifestyle, health, spirituality, learning. It’s your mission, it can be whatever you want it to be.

Don’t question what comes up as you write, don’t dismiss what you think is ‘impossible’ or a dream. A mission is usually a big deal!

Refer to it often.

Rewrite it if needed.

Play with it. It will change.

It will begin to include values, goals, hopes, dreams, ways of being, ideas. The end result is creating your own little manifesto, a piece you can refer back to when you are making decisions about your life and career.

You may write to be a ‘loving, considerate, listening parent’, the next time your children test your patience where in the past a quick barking may have been on the cards, you may pause and remember your mission.

A mission sits in alignment with your core values. It’s another piece of the life of passion and purpose puzzle.

It’s just another tool to add to your personal development toolkit, yet a powerful one. Your choice if you want to give it a shot.

Your turn

Have you written a personal mission statement? Does it work for you? Is it something that keeps you on track? 

Resistance, Quit It!

‘The Resistance’,  I love when people insert the word ‘the’ in front of resistance.

I like breaking arrows. With my throat. I like to see other people break arrows with their throat.

Now, I first got to try this when I was training to become a fire walking instructor, and I actually wasn’t thinking (at first) ‘this is impossible’ because I knew it could be done, I’d witnessed others in the group: snap snap snappity snap.

Rejoice. Clap. Clap. Clap. (cue winning punch)

The time came for me to get up there, in front of my peers

Wow, what a thought rush was had.

In the space of 10 seconds my brain screamed: ‘don’t do this, risky, this is risky, it’s going to hurt, what if you’re the first person the arrow doesn’t break for, oh you’ll be fine, don’t make a fool of yourself, get up there, others are watching you better do it, what if it goes through your eye, what if you can’t do this, you’ll look a right fool, just do it, don’t, relax, your so nervous…on and on’.

Quietly asking my brain to butt out, up I continued.

So there I was, with the sharp end of the arrow on the soft supply part of my throat, the other end against a wall, all I had to do was take a step forward.

One step. One slight movement. Just enough to encourage the shaft to bend, then snap.

That was it.

One push.

And in that ‘moment’ is where most get stuck.

Not just in breaking arrows, but all through life.

That point when the task, activity, goal, idea, whatever it is, requires a final push. When you need to deliver.

That point where a little pain is felt. It’s uncomfortable, not life threatening, but still not pleasant.

That point where there are moments of doubt and ‘can I actually do this, oh wait, hold on, let me stop and think’.

That point where the easiest option is to take a step back and say ‘oh I can’t, maybe next time‘.

Or even worse, getting stopped. Not being able to move forwards or back. There you are stuck with pain and you’re choosing to do nothing about it.

But, you’re going to have to let go at some point, yes? Either by choosing to release yourself from the pain or by going through it.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

One day, you may decide to take part in this activity. And I can’t even express in words how you’ll feel, because it’s not really about breaking arrows, but smashing through resistance.

Where do you need to take one small step forward today? What requires a final push?

Do it. Or release it.