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How to ‘Play’ Guilt Free at Work

September 21 Dawn

Monday’s Musing

As I sat down and began this post, I thought it was going to be about ‘how not to waste time at work’. You know a little ditty about ‘productivity’ and a wee mention of ‘time management’.

Then I said to myself ‘bugger that!’ Let’s instead talk about playing, I’m sure you would agree that the only answer to ‘how not to waste time’ is (darraaa) ‘use your time wisely’!

(Oh, and as you read, make up your own mind of who you think ‘they’ and ‘them’ are).

Question Numero 1: Do you have a ‘playtime’ at work?

Now, I don’t mean ripping your trousers whizzing down chutes or a remodel of your colleague’s hair with florescent clips. I’m talking about as an adult do you have moments when you just NEED to play, and the timing of it is between the hours of 9-5, or when you are getting paid for what you do?

Is there are part of you that wants to be child-like naughty?
Do you feel guilty about wanting to play?
Do you hide your playful moments to ‘them’?

If your answer is yes, keep reading and may I suggest to you that you stay guilt free? You can’t actually help it…

First though, would you agree that the majority of environments and institutional working behaviours in which many of us are asked to remain and stay focused, energetic and even conscious for 8 hours a day are (generally) not conducive to ‘working’ or getting things done?

It should come as no surprise to you that the reason why you may have a need to play is simply (a system we all have)…your brain!

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never really understood the reason why ‘they’ think we’re all are capable of using our brains (generally) between the hours of 9-5!

Like docile, unthinking ‘sheep’ (not all sheep, I know!) you may have to follow patterns, behaviours, rules and timings, and if you dare steer from the path of the ‘norm’ or get caught breaking their blueprint for (generally) profit, it’s repercussion time: written warning, verbal warning and then out!

It’s no wonder you ‘get up to’ the behaviours sorry, playtime activities listed below! In short your brain numb or brain b.o.r.e.d!

Aside: why is it we aren’t allowed to swirl on chairs that swirl, that ‘they’ give us? And if the chair has wheels, why can’t we wheel them?

Anyway, science, brain, boredom, work etc…

It (science) keeps telling us that you learn more, do more, and be more when your body is active. Its certainly not new information that exercise plays a large part on maintaining a healthy brain…it needs exercise to stay alive!

Science also tells us that we all don’t have the same ‘internal clocks’ or energy levels; some people do actually work and perform better at different hours of the day. Really, no, really?
I always used to think it was laziness that I was fecked at 2 in the afternoon, which is now why I choose to work mainly at night (wouldn’t it at least be a step in the brain friendly direction if you could choose the hours your worked?) Performing at your best, when you are physically at your best, or at least awake!

Research has also shown that having a siesta in the afternoon is beneficial to the brain: it needs to rest. Yeah, to continental living!

It also has been researched that…wait for it, to ‘find and discover’ that people are tired after a meal!

Apparently, we like to rest after food (I do think we should have told science we knew this already, think ‘Christmas Dinner’: you and I could’ve saved researchers a fortune!) Maybe that’s why meetings are not exactly best placed in the afternoon?

Children know this information, you knew it once.

Have you watched children at ‘playtime’: I swear they have an on/off switch.

They are very much ‘on’ when out of the classroom (playing, socialising, creativity, movement, interaction) and when they are told ‘playtime over’ (adult equivalent: on the clock) they are told to line up (adult equivalent: am bus queue) and be quiet as they enter the school again (adult equivalent ‘hush, people working’) neither wonder many just switch off and out.

If I were to ask you ‘do you remember your ‘play times’ at school’, I bet you do, more than you did the actual lessons?

Anyway, here’s a few ideas to waste time sorry, play and keep your brain happy at work;-)

Facebook/Twitter Updates:

Online or mobile (mobile best in toilet) tell your friends (never connect or ‘like’ your boss, bad move) your latest updates.

The reason: you’re a social animal, you need to interact and social networking is a really cool invention for you, the modern human! No doubt, it would actually be more suitable for team work and bonding if you ‘connected’ with the people in the same room as you. But ‘they’ think it best you work in silence or noise at ‘tolerable level’

Loo Visits:

If you feel guilty about this it could be because of a past adult in your life asking ‘you’ve just been, do you need to go’again?’

Um, hello! Yes, for your sanity!

The reason: If going to the loo is the only way you can actually ‘move’ your body (which is not built for sitting still) make sure that you go enough times so that you can stretch out and yawn (gets oxygen to the brain!)

Pretend Work Conversations:

Make as many visits to your ‘friends’ desk as needed throughout the day. These visits are ‘life savers’. If ‘they’ are looking at you suspiciously, take a few papers with you to make it look like an official meander up the floor. The ‘threat’ of being ‘caught’ will actually increase your energy (adrenalin kicks in).

The reason: having a two-minute ‘chit-chat break’ every 40 minutes or so will increase your productivity ! Brain-friendly trainers actually allow this ‘chit-chat’ every ten minutes with folks who are learning new information!

Note: the give away signs for it not being a ‘real’ work conversation are: you move away too quickly when ‘they’ enter the room or your conversation just stop. The dead giveaway is the smile or quick ‘oh almost caught’ raised eye brows. Hang about for at least a minute!

Desk Organisation:

Organising and creating order, brains love it! Actually it also looks impressive: they love tidy workers especially the ones with that insist on an ‘clean desk at the end of day policy’, seriously, what is that about? Go on, give it a good clean: playtime approx 1 hour!

The Pre Break Breaks:

Do you remember the buzz and excitement as a child when it was approaching ‘break-time’, grab it back again! Spend the half hour before the break planning what you are going to do on the break. Get yourself ready. It’s playtime! The brain loves exciting things, it does not ‘do’ boring!

Seriously…

Nope, I can’t get serious here. No, I can, give me a moment…

Okay, I just wish that ‘they’ would start to be aware more of our brains. That we need to ‘play’: that many of our brains are withering with the boredom and tediousness of it all. Yes, the above are time wasting activities, ‘course they are (unless you’re a Social Media Marketer, who gets paid to be on Facebook all day)

Some environments are so stale, stifling, enclosed, boring it’s no surprise that these activites take place.

Of course there are organisation that ‘get’ this. The one that springs to mind right now is the FISH philosophy, which states ‘ the FISH philosophy fulfills the most basic needs of human beings who, in turn, fulfill the needs of the organization’! Hurray!

While others ‘they’ moan about the amount of time we have off with sick days, duvet days and stress related illnesses. Is it any wonder? I do think that ‘they‘ have to take some accountability for killing the playfulness and creativity of the brains that are working for them. Maybe that’s the plan…keep us numb, no revolt!

Or (thinking aloud), the time will have to come when we’ll just have to end ‘playtime’ for school children! Here’s why…

Apparently we let young people leave school/college/university unprepared for the world of work. We wonder why some young people struggle with the transition into employment, no wonder:

‘here’s a set of rules that state ‘playing’ is beneficial to you, now you’re a ‘worker’ these rules no longer apply, here’s a new set, which state no playing, thankyouverymuch.’

Here’s what happens: ‘What, you can’t cope? It must be your fault!’

Playing is for life. You don’t just ‘stop’, heck you can’t stop. I wonder what your working life would be like if you were allowed to openly ‘play’ or even just work in ‘playfulness’ you know: merriment, happiness, enjoying activites.

Here’s a question: my last official workplace (where someone else insanely agreed to pay my wages) was playful, employee centred, inspiring and had a ‘they’ that actually understood human needs.

And at the other end of the scale, was a place where I ‘lasted’ two weeks because of the ‘you-dare-move-rule’ (maybe less, I’ve erased it from my memory) it may have been something to do with the ‘pre-booked toilet breaks’, huh, I don’t think so, not in my worklife!

What do you do at work to ensure you stay sane, creative, brain alive and conscious? Any tips?

And, if you are one of he lucky few who works in ‘playful, joyous and yet highly productive and engaging’ environment, what makes it this way? And of course if you need to get serious about ‘doing what you love’ download these resources.

Reasons Why You Might Hate What You Get Paid For

September 14 Dawn

Do you live for the weekend or your days off?

Are you constantly complaining that it’s ‘Monday…again’ or ‘work is c*&p‘, you know, you would rather be somewhere else, doing another thing, with different people.

As a child do you remember the same conversations taking place between the adults in your life, did you ever think that would happen to you, that you would become ‘one of them’?

What was your reply as a child when an adult asked you “what do you want to be when you grow up?’’

Maybe it changed day to day:

Monday you’d be a Vet

Tuesday perhaps a Doctor

Wednesday a Truck Driver

Thursday a Film Star

Friday an Astronaut

Saturday a Ballet Dancer…

What happened to you? Are You Just Living the Dream Baby?

How much did school and university prepare your for the role of work?

Did anyone ever sit you down and talk about all the possibilities and opportunities that were available to you?

Did anyone say ‘look, you’re amazing, there is only one you in the world, so you’re unique, awesome, priceless, we need you, whatever you do’?

Or did you (like many) have a ‘quick hour’ with someone you had never met before who said: ‘you would be suited for that’ or ‘with those subjects I think you should apply for this’.

And (like a deal made with the devil) your future became sealed and dusted, you knew no better, so it’s not all your fault.

Or (like me) did you just leave.

I hated, no detested school, first chance I got, I was out the swinging door. I remember two things:

1. the wall my big sister said I was not allowed to sit on (because that’s where the swots supposedly sat, terrible I know)

2. Mr C visited the ‘smokers’ corner on a Thursday lunchtime, so best not to be there.

Beliefs About Work

I grew up in the 70’s. (Actually and the 80’s, 90’s and 00’s!)

My parents had experienced the 60’s and all it’s loving (my sister was born, so that might be true, purge the pictures in thine mind!), my grandparents experience was different: two World Wars and all it’s hatred (a granda who refused to speak of what went on or the part he played), and their parents a time of industrial revolution and all it’s world change.

And the ‘times’ the universal beliefs stated that ‘men worked hard and provided for their families, women (once married) stayed at home to bring up the children’.

The beliefs about work that were handed down were:

‘any job, is better than no job’
‘as long as you are working, you should be grateful’
‘always have a back up plan’
‘serve others first, then yourself’
‘have fun in your spare time, work is work’
’stick with what you know then you can’t get burnt’
‘play the hand life has dealt you’

Fast forward 30 or so years, we are now well into the 21^st century with a completely new set of rules.

All around us are people telling us we are ‘underachieving’ that ‘success is possible’ that we should ‘live our passion’, ‘follow our bliss’, ‘be the dream’, ‘reach our potential’, ‘be at the top’.

There are books, seminars, events, workbooks, life coaches and career coaches aplenty, retreats! (Blogs about ‘personal development ;-)

What has this got to do with your career?

Simple really, you’ll have (whether you are aware of them or not) a set of very deep-rooted beliefs, habits, attitudes and values around ‘work and career’.

You may never have realised this before however they play an important role especially in a career change or work journey.

Many people want to change yet they become stuck because they are holding onto and living by the old beliefs, the ones that belonged to their parents.

Task: Write down all the beliefs you have about work.

Go back through the list and ask honestly is it 100% true, who’s belief is this (is it yours?), if you didn’t have this belief what would happen?

Is the belief keeping you stuck?

Is it good for you?

Do you still need it?

There is a ‘gap’: from where you want to be and where you are now. A discrepancy

Many people won’t change career, even when they know what they are doing is detrimental to their health, well-being and sanity.

Some may start and then hear the ‘adult voice’ in their head saying ‘stick with what you know, you have bills to pay, it’s too risky’ and because that is the dominate belief their journey will stop.

What’s a possible solution?

Working out your own set of beliefs about work and career is a good place to start, separating your beliefs from those who conditioned you.

That requires doing a little work on you.

From my experience some people only go so far with a career change.

They see this huge expanse in front of them: they play a little, dig a hole of personal discovery a few inches deep and a mile wide, still unfocused and not sure where the real ‘dig’ should take place. Sure, they may have a new ‘job’ but not a new career.

Others on the other hand, start digging they go down a mile and a few inches wide, they get brave and know that order to change they can no longer just scratch the surface.

What happens? They realise that that top layer is just full of dead wood, the real treasures lie underneath.

Here’s a few questions to consider:

What do you need to do first?
When are you going to dare yourself to be completely honest with who you are?
You have the answers already within you, how long are you going to ignore them?
When will you relaise that dreams always exisited before money, and money is not the short cut to happiness?
How far are you willing to dig?

I have no doubt, that many will say ‘it’s tough out there’ and ‘we all can’t get what we want’, my reply would be ‘beliefs’…there are many people on the path to changing what they detest about what they get paid for!

Life gives us so many invites to embark upon: there are ones that appreciate that the invite that leads them to become the person they want to be.

Phot0 Credit. Many thanks to Sebastian Fritzon

Does Your CV Have Enough Oomph, Shout and Wallop?

August 28 Dawn

Is Your CV Just Wasting Trees?

Imagine you’re the HR Manager and you’re hiring. You’re sitting with an enormous pile of CV’s in front of you and it’s time to separate the pile into three bundles: ‘Yes, want to meet this person’, ‘No, definitely don’t want to meet this person’ and a ‘Maybe’ pile.

Actually, you decide that the ‘maybe’ is just too much work, you think to yourself that if the ‘people in words’ in front of you don’t ‘hit your buttons’ or talk directly to you, they have to become a no.

So you begin…

Very quickly you start selecting for your batches. In pretty much the same way you view a web page: you scan read the CV’s. Like a web page, your eyes quickly move over the page and you get a ‘feel’ of the person writing to you. Which initially comes from the fonts used, the layouts, the formatting…you have an emotional response to each one.

Just like a web page, you scan what’s ‘above the fold’ or in the case of the CV the ‘opening’: you skip the name and address because that’s common and you instantly scan the ‘profile’ or ‘objective’.

Some people have made it easy for you and bolded a few of their key words: making it quicker for you to scan. Some have written in short sentences. Making it easier to read and get the ‘gist’. Some have left enough white space, given headings, bullets and numbers: which are very pleasing to your eyes.

You spend around 9 seconds on a CV before you decide if it’s worth reading anymore, or you may even decide in those same 9 seconds the pile that CV belongs in.

You start to get annoyed at the amount of ‘template’ talk, reading the same words over and over again. You begin to wonder if there is only ‘one free CV template’ in the world that everyone uses time and time again.

You read the same words over and over again such as: committed, reliable, honest, hardworking, team player, excellent communicator, self starter, highly motivated, and so on. And think to yourself ‘these are just words, there is nothing to back up or provide evidence they are true’. They don’t really tell you what you need to know.

You turn a few more over a few more in your hands, thinking that you must have the wrong pile for the job that you advertised!

On quick scanning of some of the CV’s you wonder if the person actually read the advert. Not many have actually targeted their words at the position and explained in detail HOW they are a match to your needs.

You know what you are looking for: you have explained in the advert specifically the position available. Yet more and more as you are scanning CV’s you are asking yourself ‘why you should hire this person they haven’t even explained to me that they know what I’m looking for’.

In desperation, you head for a coffee, taking one CV with you…

This one is different…

First there is a great cover letter attached not the usual one half empty sheet which says: ‘please find enclosed my application form’ or ‘I would like to apply for the job of’. Nope, this is one is quite personal, like reading a letter from someone who is at least breathing, who sounds passionate, who has taken the time to write to YOU directly, you’re impressed with all the research they have done, the ideas they have, the warmth in their writing voice.

You like what you read: they have created in your head a ‘picture’ of what they are like, they have answered all the questions in your head. It was like they were there in the room with you.

And their CV was visually great: well laid out, easy to scan, specific, targeted, full of proof that you can check at reference stage, understanding to the needs of the post, they really have taken the time to detail what sets them miles apart, they haven’t just listed their skills, strengths and experiences they have shown how it made an impact in their previous roles.

You think to yourself this person has uniqueness, or has identified their unique selling points.

Ok, let’s stop the HR role play for minute…

Not many people love writing their CV, in fact it’s one of those documents that most people avoid and put off (that and application forms which can lie in a drawer with the ‘easy bits’ filled in until the closing date passes.) I’m sure in some cases, some people (if they could get away with it) would even hire someone to attend an interview for them.

Some people can spend weeks, months, years writing a CV! Should it be that hard?

Well, no, it really could be easy.

What many people forget is that a CV’s sole and only purpose, aim and objective is to get the interview (or meeting, connection, specific desired action.)

In my experience, when people even ‘think’ about their CV they ‘go’ a shade of grey…but like anything if you start with the end result you want it’s much simplier.

If you have a CV, take a look at it. Ask youself and answer honestly ‘would you want to meet the person decribed in front of you’. Would you ‘buy’ you?

It’s the employer that says ‘here’s what I need’ and it’s the jobseekers job to do one thing only: get the attention of the employer and declare ‘I have everything you need and more, I have what you are looking for PLUS all these extra benefits that you CANNOT get anywhere else, and what’s more I can prove it, here, read this’!

For example take the ‘excellent communicator’ statement above. It means nothing. That’s just a feature of you. You may need to ask yourself ‘what are BENEFITS of me being an excellent communicator’. It’s the benefits the employer needs to hear.

Think about this for a moment: imagine you wanted a new pair of shoes…would you buy a pair of ‘heels’ from the first shop, when you actually wanted a pair of quality walking boots. And if you went to the ‘boot’ shop you would (ultimately buy on emotion) look for the best pair of walking boots you could afford?

So there in front of you is three pairs of boots, all the same price: one just has a price, the other has listed a few features such as ‘waterproof, comfy’ and the other has the price, the features and the benefits of the features…

For example: Benefit 1 (made up) Waterproof: sealed with a new fandangled spray that means the boots are resistant to rain for a period of 10 years, saving you X amount of pounds and Benefit 2: Extra Comfort: fully cushioned with the ‘mamamoso’ foam, no more blisters, breatheable and watertight.

Which would you choose if they were all the same price?

Would you ‘buy’ the pair that has specifically stated it’s benefits?

So CV’s: at the state of them being read by an employer ‘they are all the same price’, all equal, nothing decided.

The CV’s that stand out and set others apart from everyone else are not the ones that sell a few features, they are the ones that can guarantee (through references or similar) all the benefits they have. All the extra’s. All the specifics. The detailed, details.

It doesn’t matter where you are in your career: starting out, returning to work, had a few gaps. Selling yourself is not rocket science, and it’s certainly no time to bashful or depend on the ‘template’ standard.

If you can prove it (at interview, certificates, references), say it. What’s the point of leaving gaps in an employers head? Think about it this way most products that are cheap enough, sell. Great products become so because of all the benefits they provide.

An easy way to write your CV: think of yourself as the product, and your CV must tell a potential employer that without this product, they really are missing a huge opportunity to have all their headaches solved!

And remember the CV has one purpose, one call to action. Before you waste trees (or broadband space) and sadly, your time, consider this question: does this document 100% set me apart from everyone else and is distinctive enough for the employer to accept my call to action?

If it’s not…then you know which pile it’s probably going to end up on.

How Can You Change Career When You Have No Idea What You Want To Do?

August 11 Dawn

If you wish to achieve worthwhile things in your personal and career life, you must become a worthwhile person in your own self-development. Brian Tracey

Here is something I hear a lot…

“I’m so unhappy in my current role, however I can’t change because have no idea what I would like to do. I know that I can’t stay there anymore; I’m ready to just walk out”

Here’s what I say a lot …

“No work is not meant to make you unhappy, ill, depressed. No job is worth that.”

You have options and choices and of course some are going to be easier to take than others.

There’s also the fact that because you are so unhappy you may not be able to see choices and opportunities, yes that old saying ‘can’t see the wood from the trees’ rings true here.

Now, you could ‘choose’ to leave by walking out. You could. I know you would maybe love to do that at this time. But this is the option that will probably come back, and bite you in the buttocks later on when you are seeking a new position!

Trust me, if you ‘walk’ you may then find yourself ‘struggling’ when applying for a new positon.

It’s a real toughie to give your reasons to the question ‘why did you leave your last job’ on paper or in person at an interview, and if you leave an employer without no warning (i.e. there Friday and never to be seen again!) you will probably have lost the opportunity of a great reference! Your new employer will not want to know you are unreliable.

It took me a while to accept the ‘it’s easier to get a job when in a job’, and what sends alarm bells to employers and recruitment agencies is the vague reasons why you may have left you last position, or the gaps in your CV or application form.

And yet…

I sit on the fence with this one, your health and well-being is far more important than any job, if you’re incredibly unhappy, my first piece of advice to you would be declare your current role as temporary (even if you’re on a ’till death we will keep you here contract), think it’s ‘only temporary’.

Just begin by thinking ‘it’s not forever’!

Get up in the morning, it’s okay, its temporary.

It offers a relief and frees up your mind.

You however you and I both know that you will always need to eat! And for that you need pennies. If you’re genuinely unwell (depressed or stress) visit your GP. Talk it over with them. No shame. Have a look at or both great sites (in my humble opinion).

Now, other options are you able to hold in there a little bit longer? In fact, can you put a timeframe on when you will have your new career? One month? Two months? Longer if you need to make a transition that needs further training?

It might not feel like a big step forward, however it is: there are some people that work 30, 40 years in a role they loathe, you have all the power not to let this become you’re reality!

Right, but you still have no IDEA what to do.

If I were talking to you face to face , I would say to you ‘you know what you don’t want and sometimes that’s as good as knowing what you do want’.

Okay, you need to move into the role of explorer.

I would ask you: is there anything in your current role that you like or love to do? Do you hate the role or the organisation? At what point did you feel like walking? Is there anyone you can talk to at your current role about how you are feeling? Did you love it once? What was it you loved about it?

Maybe the best part about where you are, is the not knowing. I know I come from a completely different perspective however you are about to embark on a really exciting time. What an opportunity? Changing Career? New skills? New knowledge? That’s amazing.

A few suggestions for you…

hire a career coach (before you are desperately trying to build a free online CV)
phone a careers advice line
research online or off different careers
look for forums online of what careers excite you (there are forums for everything, and you’re only looking)
Speak to people: tell people you want a change

Carry out a personal inventory of YOU (your values, preferences, skills, strengths, weaknesses, must haves, mustn’t haves, identity, goals, future, relationships)

Here a few career questions that will get you thinking in the right direction:

Where have you been up till now?
How do you spend your free time?
Is there a link between your hobby to what you would like to get paid to do?
What is the most important factor to you in paid work?
What to you want to gain from work?
What do you want to give back from working?
How have you changed over the past 10, 20 years – does your current role allow for all the personal change?
What motivates you to get up in the morning?
What would motivate you more?

Children, Confidence and Self Esteem

August 10 Dawn

As parents and carers is one of the hopes and wishes for your children that they grow up happy, with the confidence to ‘stand on their own two feet’ and high self-esteem? Ensuring they can cope and still remain strong with whatever to them in life.Children are incredibly resilient, determined, driven and amazingly creative, ah, at one time we all had these skills, they came with being young!

Yet, many parents can see their once confident child completely change before their eyes, she seems to be more fearful and perhaps withdraw from the activities and hobbies she once loved.

When Should You Consider Your Childs Self Esteem?

During pregnancy and as a new parent you may never consider the confidence and self-esteem of your new baby. In fact, it may not even cross your mind at all unless you begin to notice the change of behaviour.

If you’re a new parent:

Spend time thinking (even if it’s just ten minutes every month) about your child’s confidence and self-esteem. Picture as you watch them growing everyday what you wish and hope for in their life.

Everything she sees, hears, feels, tastes and touches will be stored and called upon as she grows, when she is making her own decisions and choices. Actual events may not be remembered in years to come; yet her brain is hard at work registering and programming the world around her.

You see, as adults we can sometimes forget that all through those development years we are ‘conditioning’ and ‘moulding’ and ‘shaping’ her beliefs.

If you’re lacking in confidence and self esteem:

Many times I have worked with parents on courses and they have all said ‘I wish I had this course as a child’.

Children pick up on everything; they can learn the behaviours that come with a lack of confidence and self-esteem. If you feel, you lack both the best time to increase them was before your child was born, the second best time is today.

It can be learned.

Self-esteem is an estimation of your own self worth.

You can learn, yet in the meantime, as you focus on your new role here’s a few self-care rules:

Take time for you, remember you are many roles (not just a parent) and to stay healthy acknowledge them all, you don’t stop being you when you become a mum or dad (or carer), use support networks, be honest with how you are feeling and share it with others.

Work on your own confidence and self-esteem: if you feel worthy and confident, the same feelings will be passed along to her.

Avoid Teaching Fear – I remember once (while walking my dogs), an adult said to their daughter rushing towards them, ‘come back they might bite you’ and they promptly pulled yanked the child and placed them behind their legs.

‘Oh, that’s a shame, were they bitten before?’ I asked.

‘No’ was the reply ‘but I was at their age, I’ve never been keen on them (dogs) since.’

The girl was not frightened of the dogs, yet I’m sure in time they will be, it was their Dad teaching them that dogs are to be feared, yet the truth was, it was his fear, based on his experiences, but it doesn’t end there…

Ask yourself what fears are you teaching your children:

Fear of heights?
Fear of spiders?
Fear of taking risks?
Fear of putting on weight?
Fear of running away from problems?
Fear of money?
Fear of you?
Fear of love?
Fear of authority?

Then think about this…what has your child got to look forward to living with the fear, you should be able to answer it, because you have lived it!

Stay Clear of Damaging Talk – watch your words, if I were to ask you think of an elephant, the chances are you would think of an elephant…you probably didn’t spell the word elephant, letter by letter in your head, you created a picture of an elephant!

The same applies to everything you say to children.

We adults are (sometimes) very quick to use words that automatically and suggestively can create negative pictures.

Listen to the world around you (and yourself) statements are shouted and spat at children like ‘you’re bad’ or ‘don’t be so stupid’ or ‘you’re so lazy’ or ‘you’re such a pain’.

‘You are’ statements are never 100% accurate; in most cases they are labelling your child. (And it’s not just you, don’t worry, they will also here it in the playground, in class…yet said often enough they do become part of the ‘make up’ of your child.)

All this creates in your child’s head is the ‘pictures’ of what someone who is bad, lazy, stupid, being annoying might ‘look like’.

You’ve heard the saying ‘you become what you think about most’? It maybe should come as no surprise then that the unwanted behaviour just gets worse as the pictures are being created over and over and over.

Let’s look at the statement ‘don’t be stupid’. What’s the real truth? Is your child stupid? Probably not. Or has your child behaved in a way that does not fit in with your wants, needs and wishes?

For example…imagine you have ‘hidden’ the chocolate biscuits in the top shelf of a cupboard. Your child (witnessing your childlike behaviour:) decides they want one!

Now remember, children have not learnt fully yet the whole concept of lateral thinking and the ultimate consequences for actions…it makes no sense to them, they are still living in the moment.

What they see is the opportunity to climb! And climbing is fun! And going through their head is: won’t you, the person who loves them most in the world, be so impressed at how high they climbed?

So they climb, and you catch them. I know the hardest thing may to say ‘wow, what a great climber, what are you climbing for, wish I was that good at climbing?’ And then, ask them to ‘see if you can climb down as well’.

Congratulate the climbing and creativity, and then deal with the unwanted behaviour.

No, most would people would promptly pull the child down and say something about the behaviour.

Separate the behaviour from the child, simple!

End Dates With The Boogie Man or Mind Garbage!

As children we grow up hearing, what I call ‘mind garbage’. You know, things like the ‘boogie man will get you’, or the ‘giant beneath the bed will eat you if you don’t go to sleep’, and ‘goblins and trolls will steal your toys if you don’t behave’, to name but a few (these garbage items are passed from generation to generation and some are specific to areas where people live)

And, as children we believed them! They are repeated so often we maybe even created vivid pictures in our heads of what these ‘mind garbage creatures looked like!

There is nothing wrong with using these fictitious characters in stories but when it comes to using them as a bribe or blackmail, out with the context of a good story, it might be more serious.

Now, I’m not saying many children grow into adults up fearing the ‘boogie man’, yet as adults we exchange the mind garbage…’the boogie man’ fear becomes the ‘I’m not good enough’ fear, the ‘goblins and trolls’ fear becomes the ‘I hate myself’ fear.

Think about it for a minute; can remember how frightened you were of those ‘imaginary characters’ as a child and how they gripped you and made you behave in a certain way…BUT now you can probably laugh at how ridiculous it was?

It’s all made up, imaginary, it doesn’t exist, yet you’ve repeated it often enough to build it into something so fearful that facing it straight on has become an impossible task.

Talk open and honestly to your child, they are very bright, intelligent and want to be included in your life (they are your biggest fan!). Yes, I know ‘mind garbage’ is easier and quicker to get the outcome you want, but in the long term?

Create Positive Pictures – as previously mentioned we think in pictures (or the majority of us do).

Create pictures for your child. Here’s an example; recently I was with my 8 year old nephew, my intention was he clean up the damage and aftermath of a so-called ‘cooking session’ at my house.

Instantly they said ‘no’ I replied ‘but I see you as being a great chef and a tidy worker’ they said (because they are used to me and my ways) ‘you’re just saying that to get me to do it’ (bright, very bright and I had been caught!)

My reply ‘well, you’re a great chef, an excellent tidy worker and very, very, very smart at spotting that, can we tidy up now?’

‘Yes’ was the reply!

The point, create the pictures of how you WANT it to be, not how you DON’T want it i.e. ‘you will so tidy up and stop being lazy’…picture creates laziness!

And lastly love…

Love with all your soul, even the behaviour that’s unwanted, because that’s part of your child too. It’s not about displaying affection sharing hugs, kisses and quality time when your child is good.

Love can also be expressed by spending time, listening, respecting, honouring, sharing, being their, putting aside differences, not holding on to past mistakes and behaviour.

Children don’t just ‘lose’ self esteem and confidence, they have experiences (just like you and I) which can create feelings of low self worth, it’s reversible so get educated, learn tools for yourself that you can apply in your role as a parent. Don’t ignore it or think it will ‘pass’.

The Voice That Destroys Self Esteem

August 2 Dawn

Do you talk to yourself?

If you answered ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘sometimes’ then let’s assume that you do.

No, in fact, you do. We all do…I don’t mean talking to yourself out loud…the internal, your thoughts…

The stream of never ending chitchat and debate.

The good news is that we all have a voice within in us that can raise our self-esteem and build our self-confidence.

And the bad news is that very same voice is able to destroy us by vicious attacks and belittling…our hope, our strengths, abilities, achievements, goals can all be thwarted by reminding us of all our failures, weaknesses, guilt’s and embarrassments.

For people experiencing low self-esteem and low self-confidence there is no respite, no escape, no understanding or peace, it can go on for days, weeks, months, years and sadly, even lifetimes.

The voice generalises the world around you and undermines you, it distorts and manipulates the true ‘truth’, it has no empathy or compassion.

It fills you with fear and dread, full of ‘might have beens’ and ‘if only you were better, smarter, fitter, more loving’.

Heaven forbid you make any mistakes because it will never let you forget them; it’s your worst enemy yet you spend all your time with it. You are never free from the voice however…

…it can be retrained and programmed to become the best friend you could ever have, hope and wish for.

Buddhist call this voice your chattering monkey, self help books call it your self talk, others call it your critic. The first step in acknowledging the voice is to give it a name that suits you.

Through my work with people this is a huge topic, which gets the attention it deserves. It’s kinda like the lesson we were never given in school but should have been.

So How Can You Train It?

By catching it out. Try the following for 24 hours; build it up to a week, then a month…

As soon as you ‘hear’ any little voice trying to put you in your place, stop your goals, put you down and back where you supposedly belong…say something OUTLOUD like ‘that’s not true’.

Why outloud? Seems a little weird huh? Because by bringing it from internal to external means you have to recognise it. To keep it internal you would eventually stop paying attention to the task. Quickly the negative talk would be happening all over again, in the background.

Try it and see!