Dawn Barclay

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A Few Lessons On How Not To Speak In Public

public speak fearHave you ever lost the will to live during a presentation?

I have.

Today.

‘They’ say speaking in public is a number 1 fear, I disagree, I think it’s an urban legend.

First, if it scares the heebie-jeebies out of you, where did you learn that? From your own experiences, or through tales of horror from individuals who bombed on the podium?

Is the true fear vulnerability, judgement, being exposed, being the centre of attention, the fear that something may happen that you can’t control?

I’ve seen people terrified to the point of throwing up, get up, speak and rock their message.

I’ve also (today) witnessed professional public speakers (confident and fearfree) make a complete stinky old hash of it.

It doesn’t matter if the audience is 1 person, 5, 10, 500 everyone can learn to:

  • Connect with the audience
  • Lead the audience
  • Acknowledge the audience
  • Be in ‘flow’ with the audience
  • Pace the audience
  • Feel the audience
  • Help the audience
  • Share with the audience
  • Be real with the audience
  • Be truthful with the audience
  • Include the audience
  • Let the audience participate
  • Build rapport with audience

It’s not difficult to master.

It’s about getting out your own head and into the head of another human being(s): you’re presenting to a brain, an emotional brain, emotions that create different ‘states of mind’ every moment of the day.

Today. Ugh.

Sitting through talks from the:

The Self Proclaimed Expert

For them a message…

“Dear you, I don’t care if you’re an expert in something really awesome, if you don’t give a tosh about your audience, and care more about belittling the ‘techie’ person who couldn’t get your laptop to connect to a projector, and to do it in front of a room of 300 peeps, shame on you.

Yeah, you got through your content eventually, but your goal of displaying your authority meant you lost your audience.

Remember that person who asked you a genuine question, they were ‘stuck’, not heckling, instead of saying ‘Is anyone else not getting it, or is it just my good friend at the front?‘, you could’ve acknowledged their fears, and said you didn’t have the answer (it was obvious you didn’t), oh, but that would have blown your ‘expert’ cover huh?’

(Gosh, even writing that, it’s made me more mad. You were rude and obnoxious. There. Said it.)

The ‘Go Out On High’ End of Day Speaker

A message for them…

“Dear you, your first words after you ran onto the podium of ‘Stand Up, Let’s Connect, Let’s Move!‘, and then leading us into a dance to the notes of James Browns ‘I Feel Good‘ followed by the instructions of ‘massage the person in front you’, didn’t cut it.

Heard of pacing and leading? I know that works for the man with the headpiece and great knashers, sorry, teeth (Tony Robbins), but this was a different audience.

Were you in the hall before your slot?

Or did you just pitch up 10 minutes before ?

Did you see the state that everyone was in?

Were the folded arms, sighs, fidgeting, heads to the side, crossed legs and the severe lack of eye contact with you not enough of a hint?

You missed such an opportunity.

And funny, (you being a renowned world class motivational speaker, according to the brochure) I would’ve thought that you of all people would’ve been clued up on noticing human behaviour and what peeps were feeling.

When giving a presentation your audience is asking:

  • Has this person got something interesting to say?
  • Why should I give them my attention?
  • Why should I listen to them?
  • What’s in it for me?
  • Do I feel safe?

Most people plan their content, not why their content matters.

They don’t even consider answering questions about their audience or listener such as:

  • Who are they?
  • What’s in it for them?
  • What state of mind are they in?
  • How do I want them to feel at the end?
  • Why should they listen to me, what benefit is there?
  • What can I tell them to ease their pains or add benefit to their life?

Today the ‘expert’ speaker didn’t need his PowerPoint. If he had stood up there and said ‘It looks technical parts are playing, it doesn’t matter, let’s have questions and answers instead. I was going to talk about…what three things would you like to know more on’.  It would’ve worked.

Some would say that takes a lot of courage. No, it means knowing your message inside out, and being comfortable with the all the ways it can be delivered, that takes passion about your subject.

Today, these two speakers managed to alienate a room.

As a speaker you cannot possible know the states of mind of every person in front of you, but we both know (because we have experienced it ourselves) that a positive state of mind is more productive than a negative one.

There’s a great saying there are no unresourceful learners, only unresourceful states.

So consider these questions before you even think content and planning:

  • What state would I like to lead my listeners into?
  • What state would I like to induce and maintain?
  • What states may be present before I start?
  • If positive, how can I maintain it?
  • If negative, can I change it?

Here’s a few more points from today:

For Speaker 1:  you didn’t need to execute or display your authority, we were your audience, we gave you power automatically by coming to hear you speak.

You had personal power, all you needed to do was connect with us.

You could’ve included us in your ‘techie’ mishaps if you knew anything about building rapport.

We would’ve helped you.We wanted to. We felt for you.

You didn’t even acknowledge we were there and you missed a perfect opportunity to show real humanity and connection.

Lesson: The thing about (most) audiences is they are on your side at the beginning, one of your tasks is to make that bond stronger: connect, share, be honest, be human, let us in and participate with you.

For Speaker 2: I do appreciate you were at least were aware that movement is crucial in any learning environment, it could’ve worked but you didn’t let your audience know they were safe, first.

If you’d said ‘I realise you’ve been sitting for a long time (I would’ve thought ‘oh thank you, thank you, I need to move’), how about we move a little (me: ‘you read my mind, awesome’) and then spend a couple of minutes hanging out with the people next to you, sharing what you want from this session (me: ‘a chance to speak, wow, at last’), would that be okay? I know I can’t sit for longer than 20 minutes (me: ‘you feel my pain, you know me!‘) I get ants in my pants.’

Lesson: you will lose your audience if you do or say something that makes them feel unsafe.

What does your audience really want?

It’s basic: respected, connected, cared for, safe and included. That’s for starters. No, feck it, that’s the start it has to begin there.

I need more time to process today, if you fear public speaking, what specifically do you fear the most?

 

Photo Credit: Flickr Trasiegu

 

When Are We Ever Really Ready…

Suzanne is sitting completing an application form, she knows she can do the job, however one of workmates is going for the same role. He’s been there longer, he has more experience in some of what’s required, but not all of it.

She’s been sat for hours, the more time goes on, the chitterchatter in her head gets worse ‘why am I bothering?’ She fears looking stupid, even though she has years of experience: in a different field but the skills and knowledge can be transferred to this role, easily.

She’s ready, but hiding.

Richard is a small business owner offering IT services to other local business owners, he knows his customer service is better than his larger local competitors: he does a better job, he understands the needs of the solo business owner better than anyone, he talks language they understand.

He’s been asked so many times by a friend to attend a local networking event. He won’t go, because he fears speaking in public, and doesn’t feel that he belongs there yet, he thinks: he’s new and needs to prove himself first.

He’s hiding.

When are we really ready to take strides forward in our careers, life or business? 

Is it when we have enough information?

Or is when we have minimised all the risks?

Perhaps it’s when we feel safe that the stride we are taking isn’t going to hurt that much if the leaping doesn’t go to plan.

Maybe we have no other options, we have to move because of external circumstances.

As a child do you remember playing Hide and Seek?

Squeezing your eyes tight, your palm covering your face, facing the brick wall, at a spot your friends put you at so you had no chance of seeing the direction they ran?

“1……..2…….3…4…56789…10!  Ready or not here I come!”

Ready or not? Here I come.

Are you ready?

Or are you?

  1. Still Seeking.
  2. Not ready and hiding.
  3. Ready but hiding.
  4. Ready?

Look, sometimes we aren’t ready. We don’t have all the information, we haven’t got all the resources and done our homework. Nothing wrong with that, being a seeker is fine.

But to be ready and hide?

Oh dear.

Usually it’s fear, you’re scared. You can remember the feeling before you were ‘caught’ playing hide and seek, right?

Stomach churning, ‘butterflies’, holding your breath, and if you never played it, I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Going for it is generally less painful, than knowing you’re ready and hiding.

Count to 10 then…

Complete the following statement:

I know I’m ready to____________, I’ve been hiding because____________.  Today, ready or not, here I come.

 

 

Quit Waiting On Permission

Are you waiting on any permission to complete, start, say or do something?

I think I’m going to start giving clients permission slips.

They’ll have themes: permission to make decisions, permission to say what I really feel, permission to think my own thoughts, permission to not wait on life instructions, permission to be awesome, permission to not worry about others think, permission to think differently, permission to question…the list is endless.

Think for a minute.

  • Who’s permission are you waiting on?
  • How long are you choosing to wait?
  • What will happen if it doesn’t come?

Growing up: it was parents, carers and authority figures.

In education, it was your teachers, the systems and the rules.

In the workplace, it’s bosses, managers, rules and regulations.

In society, it’s cultures, global beliefs, friends, acquaintances

Looking at the above, all your life you’ve been told to ‘get permission first’, usually from the most responsible adult in the room.

Someone else has said ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to your request.

Look around you.

Who’s in the room? Are you not the most responsible person who has the most authority about your life?

So the only permission you need to seek is your own.

Complete the following:

Today, I give myself permission to…what?

I give you permission to slap this on a post-it and carry it with you, I found it the other day on my new internet crack addiction (Pinterest)

‘YOU are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking Act Like It’.

Slap.

Until next time.

 

 

 

 

 

Who Else Needs More Self Discipline?

Do you have self discipline? Many don’t, no shame, mainly because they haven’t worked out yet what to get self disciplined about.

  • They wish to be able to play the guitar like Jack White or Jimi Hendrix, but they won’t put the time in to learning the chords and notes.
  • They wish to pen the next Harry Potter or Booker Prize winner, but spend the time watching ‘I’m a Celebrity Get me Out of Here’, rather than write for two hours.
  • They wish to change career or create their own economy, but would rather update their Facebook status with ‘life is shit’ or ‘I really love my job (not)’ and do nothing towards the shift.
  • They want to end living in fear. They won’t apply what they already know, instead they ‘like’ a thousand ‘positive quotes with pretty pictures’ but ask them if they took the information and applied it? They won’t have. They probably don’t even remember what the quote was within in 2 minutes.

This year, I really wanted to avoid the ‘How-To-Live-Your-Best-Life’ post, or the ‘New-Year-New-You-Impossibilities’ post and the ‘Live-The Next-365-Days-With-Kapow and Wow’ post.

But here I am, a week into the new year, and I think this is going to be one of those types of post.

And I would love your ideas and suggestions at the end.

Give Your Year/Week/Month a Theme

See, I’ve decided that this year my life will have two events running throughout, I’m not sure if personal lives can have year long events.  I know it happens in tourism, Edinburgh had  the Year of the Homecoming (when people returned to Scotland with kilts and bagpipes for a weekend.) The Chinese calendar has Year of The Pig, Dog, Cat, Monkey, and mine is…

Ta-raa…

‘The Year of (Use Big Boom Voice) Discipline’

Mmm, it isn’t mega exciting, I know. However done well, it will allow more time for things that really matter.

So. K’tsh. K’tsh. Whip ready? Let’s go…

What exactly am I getting at?

Us Coachy-Peepleey-Helpery-Personal-Developmenty-I-Fied types talk a lot about taking action, setting goals, self talk and the rest ‘ye all!  But hardly ever go heavy on discipline.

In coaching, you could be asked ‘On a scale of 1-10, 10 being committed to meeting your goals for next week, 1 not at all, what number are you?’You’re paying for coaching, so chances are you will keep the peace and declare ’10! Oh 10! Yes! 10! Yes!‘

Which may please the inexperienced coach because they aren’t really that sure about how to question your ambivalence and why you say you are a 5!

Coach-y probably would never say (cough cough) ‘are you going to, or not,  or are you just wasting your time?’

Routines, Regime, Regular

Let’s make one thing clear, we’re talking about having a routine or regime here, one that makes sense, one that is good for you and one that serves you, not severe heavy penalties, commando and ninja style of discipline.

*sigh* It’s not a great word, huh? Past learning and experiences again, darn brain programming and conditioning.

See, I don’t know about you, but for me, discipline conjures up childhood memories of being quickly whipped across the back of the legs as I dived out the road of my mums flapping hand (Why the legs? Why?)

Or it reminds me of those ‘do this, or else’ threats  or ‘Dawn, I’m warning you, if you don’t stop, you can kiss goodbye to (insert pleasurable experience!)

Even at school, I was ‘disciplined’ 4 times by a foot long piece of leather, graciously applied by my Indoctrinator, whoopsie, sorry,  teacher, to my young backside.

So look, I get the fact discipline may not be as rosy and touchy-feely as ‘focus’ or ‘action’ or ‘drive’ or heaven forbid ‘ambition’.

But geez, it’s only a word.

Have you got much discipline? Do you get done what needs to be done? Are you easily distracted?

I think I was 31/32ish before I realised that I perhaps needed a little bit discipline back in my life, you know, my own kind, not the sadistic measurement taken by the adults I had dragging me up.

Back when I was what 15, 16? I exposed myself to this ‘shelf help’ and personal development malarkey. Name the book to tell me how to live a fabbylicious life, I bet I’ve got it.

The next step was training and courses, qualifications,  conferences, NLP, Coaching, Counselling. I ‘learned’ the theories and techniques, and yes, I used them with clients.  I paid attention, studied hard, listened, read, applied but I still wasn’t disciplined.

How did I know? Erm…simple, life sucked!

It continued to suck  just into my 30’s, it wasn’t until I set up my own little biz, that I really started to get serious, and…erm, well, a little bit more disciplined.

You see when you realise that nobody is going to pay you anymore, that you can’t hide behind a team, when you have to make decisions at lightning speed, when all your mistakes, faux pas, misdemeanours and the such are totally your own doing you get serious. You change.

When you can’t ‘pretend’ to be working, or go a week and get to Friday, then say to your workmates ‘I’ve not done much this week’. You learn, apply and get disciplined.

When banks want to talk to you when you have money in your account and when they refuse to even pick up the phone because you don’t have enough, when you have to convince mortgage lenders and mobile phone contractors you’re a safe bet, when you know you and your pets will eat that month if you are serious about what you do.

You accept discipline is part of this process.

Which begs the question, does the mean that when the motivation is high, discipline is more likely to play a part?

How Do You Discipline Yourself? (My Philosophy!)

1. Find What Motivates

Discipline was wasted on me as a youth. Rebel. Oh Yes! (Not as much as my sister though, eek!)

Growing up, the motivation came from not wanting to be controlled by parents or any other adult. Standing firm, wanting to be ‘free’ of them was a great motivator (probably is for any young adult!)

There are days when I would much rather put on a wash, clean the house, cook tea rather than sit down and write a blog post or an update. These ‘tasks’ though are just fillers. They are procrastinators.

Asking yourself ‘what is motivating me to do this’ will probably work better than ‘how can I discipline myself to do this‘.

Or try these, think of the task(s) that need your FULL attention and need done:

  • What will happen after you have completed it?
  • What are the consequences for not finishing?

2. Avoid The 3 W’s: Wishy. Washy. Wasteful.

This is an easy one. Time. How often do you waste it? Time is precious. It slips past.

You don’t have to fill every single minute, of course you don’t, geez, you aren’t superhuman. But there is a clue in the wishing part.

Wishing doesn’t get it done (whatever your it is.)

Where have you wasted so much time? Were you motivated? 

Let’s assume you have everything you need right now to ‘get stuff done’, you may find it useful to set yourself some deadlines, real deadlines. And to do that you may be someone who needs some goals, real goals. Ones that take into account every step.

Want to change career? Then stop ‘wishing’ it were so, and get disciplined. Lay out the all the small steps. And you know, don’t be surprised that once you break it down, it doesn’t look that exciting. But all these steps make up the whole picture.

3. Be Ruthless and Delete, Ignore or Switch Off

Cut out the noise, mind fillers, unnecessary nonsense, and if you keep ‘to-do’ lists, how about deleting what you have been moving for a fortnight, if it was that important would you not have done it already?

To really get disciplined it requires you to pay full attention, refuse to be diverted and give your precious time to others (apart from children and pets!)

Today, stop doing three things that will give you an hour to put the attention back to you.

Need ideas?

Okay, desperate to change career?

I know you won’t give up Coronation Street, Bones or Downton Abbey, but record them. Gain of 10 minutes just by zipping through the adverts. Free up an hour every evening for a month. Make a trade, use the time on Linkedin or Twitter connecting with people who you can network with and connect.

Get your favourite tipple, snacks and music blaring. Make it pleasurable, dammit, make it fun!

Work and little biz:

Check your emails 3 times a day, maximum. Then close the program.

Discipline yourself to an hour tops every day on social media. Try it for a month. Give social media your full attention for an hour each day. Not 10 minutes every hour when what your really doing is procrastinating.

Why Bother With Discipline?

To me, discipline is about giving life some structure, making sure that there is space and time for all the things that need to be in there in my life (and business.)

For me this year, that includes stuff-like: work, business, and that things that really matters stuff-like: family, relationships, being a better auntie, being a more attentive daughter, longer doggy walks, being a friend, shopping, cooking, cleaning (well, maybe), going to the library, out for coffee, meeting people, learning and applying.

The trade will be worth it.

It also means going on a diet (not a foody one), I’m refusing to consume time fillers and continually asking myself ‘what is my purpose in doing this?‘, or ‘is what I’m doing right now, this second adding or taking away value?’

Your Turn…

Would you say you were disciplined? What do you do to get the stuff done that matters? What techniques work for you? Or do you have a theme for the year?

The Secret About Secrets

When it comes to personal and professional growth, there appears to be plenty of secrets around.

You may perceive that others have been granted insider life information and they aren’t afraid to tell and sell you that they have it and you most certainly don’t, and because you don’t you’re the one missing out.

For example, have you ever come across these:

  • The Biggest Kept Secret to Looking and Feeling Great
  • The Number One Secret to Making Next Year Your Best Yet
  • The Secret to Losing Weight, Forever
  • 7 Hidden Secrets to Getting What You Really Want
  • The Secret to Finding Your One True Passion

Fantastic headlines (nothing wrong with that) however there are no secrets.

None.

When you read information about anything being a secret, ask yourself ‘is it really a secret’, if it’s a secret why on earth is the person sharing it?

When anyone is selling you on a secret, they know what they are doing, they have your mind in a state of curiosity, and your brain loves that. Always has. Always will.

Being human we don’t want to be left out, we like being let in on a secret.

It’s ingrained in our conditioning. Remember the days of your childhood when your friend said ‘can you keep a secret’? How special did you feel?

There are no secrets.

Why am I telling you this?

Question everything, you probably know the information already.

Maybe you just need to apply it. And that has never been a secret.

Who do you listen to? Are they accurate?