Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

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Deep Connection or Relationship Brushes?

“No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.” – Alice Walker

I know that connection is what many of us crave (or are missing?) To belong. To love. To be loved. To not feel isolated or alone.

I observe that we are scared to connect deeply. We stop. We hold back. We stay silent and live in our own solitary confinement.

We live daily having relationship brushes. I’m committed to connection and yet I observe myself having these brushes on my Facebook personal profile: skirmishing around with a ‘like’ or a ‘share’ but not really connecting. (Not a good advert for connection!)

Offline I find myself sometimes struggle in situations where conversation (not necessarily connection) is expected: networking events, small talk at parties and some extended (and forced) family gatherings, I struggle. What with? The pleasantries, the fact that the conversations are just that, factual words. People keeping up with what others are doing, rather than on who they are. (Aside: that’s okay, but I just struggle with it occasionally.)

  • What would life be like if we put down our shields, stopped conforming to pleasantries, quit censoring ourselves and undertaking personal editing?
  • What if we were able to love, understand, have more empathy, complete honesty, compassion, trust, warmth and closeness with one another?

Isn’t it when one or more people come together and experience the real sense of belonging and acceptance isn’t that where the magic happens?

Removing The Shield

I witnessed someone remove their shields in an online group last week, they didn’t start with a conversation or some other people pleasing pleasantry. In that moment they spoke their truth.

The context doesn’t matter, what matters is the result of the action they took: they inadvertently put a small crack in the walls others were behind, it wasn’t long before people were offering their truth. This wasn’t a pity party. It was someone brave enough to cut through all the this is how relationships are formed rules and jump straight to communicating with their gut.

Others joined them and wrote they:

  • No longer felt alone, or isolated.
  • That they felt connected and included.
  • That they could feel as though they could openly contribute.
  • That they felt safe and able to share more.

Your Turn

What does “belonging and connection” mean to you? Leave a comment or send me a message.

This post was a result of a lot of thought from Patti Dighs Project137 – go check it out.

Want To See Results? Apply Strategy First (+ Cat Update!)

(Update: Tipsy died on the 4th of November. Not from his back injury would you believe. Why is the loss of a pet one of the worst things in the world?) 

Remember last week I told you Tipsy cat broke his back.

He’s HOME. (Not shouting. Caps intentionally used to display signs of glee and happiness.)

Because he can hardly walk at the mo there are various Kitty Nurse duties I’ll be undertaking for the next couple of months. He has achieved what all cats really want: his personal Nurse/Chef/Maid/Cleaner and yet he dares gives me a killer cat look.

My roles and responsibilities include supporting him to use the loo (his loo, not the human loo!)

He won’t shame himself or lower is furry standards to go in the lovely tray in his temporary prison (cage) which sits in the living room, so he has to be transported to his preferred cat litter tray away at the other end of the house.

Why don’t I just move the cage? Tactic. Tried it. He raised the dead with his howls.

This sounds an easy task, huh? Moving a cat from one room to another.

Nope, it’s a teeny kitty military operation.

A mission.

And required some careful planning as he can’t be picked up.

A strategy had to be in place before the tactical maneuvers.

Strategy:  the art of planning and directing overall military operations and movements in a war or battle.

Tactic: the art or science of disposing or managing military forces to best advantage against the enemy.

Okay, I’m not at war with the Tipsy cat and he’s not my enemy (but I’m his apparently at the moment) and more importantly…

What on the F-ur has this got to do with your life?

Let me give you some examples of tactics before strategy…

There’s this one: small biz owner jumping on every social media tool (tactics), hitting submit and publish without having a strategy in place for why they are using social media in the first place.

Here’s another:  trainer launching a course or event without knowing if people are hungry for it and no strategy to find out, left with nobody signing up for their event.

How about this: solo biz owner starting a blog then having no strategy for what they are actually blogging for.

Or this: business owner starts a newsletter, with no strategy about what why they hell they are sending a newsletter in the first place.

Try this: person who hates their job applies for anything, as opposed to working out a strategy to achieving employment in a role they love.

I could go on, and on, and on.

There is nothing wrong with the tactics, you need strategy and tactics. The problem is applying them before working out a strategy.

Strategy comes first.

I mean we wouldn’t just pitch up at the airport and ask the first airline pilot we clap eyes upon to take us on holiday, would we? No, we would plan it, work out the details, choose a place that fits our needs, decide why we want to go to that place specifically, discover things we would like to see when we get there, We would probably visualise ourselves being there before we actually are.

We wouldn’t just turn up in our Lycra at the start of a marathon having done no training, preparation or spent time breaking in of our snazzy new trainers, would we? No, we would need a strategy in place and then work out with tactics we’ll apply so on the day we arrive we know we have some hope of completing the darn thing.

A strategy is laying out the big picture (the wood) and tactics are what you apply to achieve the big picture (the trees).

First is the vision: what you want to achieve, be, do, make happen or the dream (includes the why).

Second is the strategy: what needs to happen to achieve the vision.

The third is the tactics: how you will achieve the strategy (what are you going to use and apply?)

Where are you applying tactics which aren’t working at present, do you have a strategy?

If not, jump back a teeny little and take some time mapping out the big picture and then ask yourself what are the best tactics to apply.

What You Do Matters

My friend is a Dental Nurse.

She’s the one that prepares everything that the Dentist needs to make his job easier.

She’s the one who comes and gets us from the waiting room.

She’s the one who smiles at us and mouths ‘Are you okay?’ when we develop looks of terror in our eyes.

She’s the one that helps us set up our next appointments.

I’m looking for a new dentist, so she’s the one I asked.

She replied, ‘Don’t just look for a good dentist. Look for a good receptionist and a good dental nurse. If they care, you’ve pretty much  found a good dentist’.

Interesting.

And very smart.

Here’s a story I came across a few years ago, as far as I’m aware it’s not true, but a good story it still is:

When JFK visited Cape Canaveral in the 60’s he met will all the elite people: scientists, astronauts, technicians.  Near the end of the visit he was walking down a long corridor and just ahead of him there was an old grey-haired man stooped over a bucket, squeezing out mop.  He was working slowly yet methodically. 

On reaching the man Kennedy asked ‘What do you do here?’.  The man put down the mop, stood up straight and looked right into President Kennedy eyes.

He replied ‘Sir, I am doing the same as everyone else here, I’m putting a man on the moon’.

Never assume that what you do doesn’t matter. It does.

 

Do You Have a Frills and Copycat Business?

It’s just soooo wrong on too many levels. I mean really – cats in frocks?

The email went something like this…

I have a blog for my business. I have readers who like and share what I write, but I feel like a fraud. I want to tell them what life is really like, that the person behind the website isn’t all ‘sorted’ and together like the articles she produces every week. I want to just be myself and I am scared that people will hate what I say and do online. I’ve tried so hard to be the expert, I follow others and I watch what they do and wish I could be more like them. So, yeah, I’m spinning here.

Can you relate?

I’ve said this before, and I’ll keep saying it: you can only maintain a false impression of yourself for so long before the cracks start to show.

The Expert Thing

I hate the word expert, everyone is a fecking expert these days.

Online I’ve heard marketering teachers say ‘call yourself an expert, then people will believe it to be true’ or at the other end there is ‘you don’t call yourself an expert, you wait for your audience to call you it.’

Which is right? I don’t give an arse really.

Expert, World Renowned, The No 1 – it’s not until you do business with the people that use puff-labels will you be able to make a honest judgement. Because let’s face it everyone is only as good as their word.

  • What matters is the results and transformations you get for your clients.
  • What matters is you use your expertise to get your clients from Point A to Point wherever the hell you promised you would take them when they paid you. 

Maybe ask yourself if the people you want to be like are really experts or sensational hotshots?

The Feeling Like a Fraud Thing

Here’s a question for you, would sharing the parts of your life add value and transformation to your readers lives or just serve you?

  • Your potential clients want to know you are real, the simplest and smartest way is to show them how you solve their problems and more. And if you integrate your real life stories with the solving, yes I recommend it.
  • Your potential clients want to know you are trustworthy, the easiest and most effective way is to deliver and serve exactly what you said you would, on time, in the manner you both agreed. Trust requires honesty.
  • Your potential clients want to know who they are doing business with, pay attention to them, listen, respond, communicate, be there, let yourself be reachable. People need to know you are real and with faults, and have solutions.
  • You want to show potential clients that you are real, honest, and will do the best for them: provide at every opportunity your uniqueness, difference, advantage over everyone else out there in your field of expertise. Fact: you cannot do this if you are copying others and trying to be more like them.

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” ~Lao Tzu

The Comparison I-Wanna-Be-Like-You-Hoo-Hoo Thing

The ‘rules of life’ state you shouldn’t compare yourself to anyone and be a ‘first class version of yourself’. Yeah well the rules forget that there will be times when you do look upon what others and think ‘I wish I was like that’, because you’re human.

It’s not enough to have a ‘be like them’ or ‘me too’ business. Stop looking, comparing and wanting to be like. Everyone else is doing that.

Mediocre business is doing the same thing as everyone else.

You want to observe what and how others are doing, nothing wrong with watching the competition. But then you have to find your own voice. And that voice has to be comfortable for you.

Frills and copycat businesses are easily spotted.

If you’re faking it, the competition (the one you want to be like) will always be one step ahead of you. While you are playing catch up, they are getting the work done.

Step aside from them, and pay attention to your own house.

What are your values in business? Is everything you’re doing matching these values? If not, change your approach bring your values to the front. You cannot copy another values.

Are those values noticeable to clients and potential customers? If not, tell them, plaster them everywhere, let all systems in your business reflect them. You can’t sustain another’s values.

How does you ‘being real’ benefit your clients and potential customers? How do you really want your business to be spoken about when you aren’t in the room? Are all your current business activities reflecting this?

Is your ‘realness’ the biggest benefit and advantage of your business? Stop comparing and do your business, your way.

How?

Always ask yourself in everything you do ‘is this in my best interest, or the best interests of my clients/readers and potential customers?‘

If it’s the former, ask again.

There Is No Shame In Removing Your Mask…

Who is the mask for? It doesn’t matter if you put it there, or others placed it upon you.

We all are wearing masks, covering up and keeping ourselves ‘safe’ and protected. How dare we reveal what is really going on in our world. How dare we say what we really feel. How dare we ask for help.

When the mask begins to slip the first reaction is to shoot up your hand and put it back in place. 

Did anyone see the real you even for a second? What will people think? How will they react? What will they say? Will they be upset that underneath there is a very different story taking place? Do you feel shame and guilt because you exposed the parts of you you never dreamed others would discover?

Holding on to the mask is exhausting. Tiring. Painful to keep in place.

The thing is, we’re all wearing them:

  • Masks of shame.
  • Masks of guilt.
  • Masks of regret.
  • Masks of struggling.
  • Masks of pain.
  • Masks of fears.
  • Masks of imperfections.
  • Masks of failures.

Let it slip. Let it fall. Remove the layer.

Why?

Here you go…

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.” Singer, Jim Morrision

 

You’ve been walking the ocean’s edge, holding up your robes to keep them dry. You must dive naked under, and deeper under, a thousand times deeper. Rumi

 

“…be yourself- not your idea of what you think somebody else’s idea of yourself should be.” Henry David Thoreau

 

“Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. the new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open.” Stephen Russell

Read the last quote again please.

Dawn xxx

Lessons From a Very Poorly Cat

Yesterday, I had to rush Tispsy (cat) to the vet. Tipsy is one of those cats that turns cat haters into cat lovers — he has a thing about him.

I had went outside for a breath of fresh air. He was lying in the sun, just at the door.

Nothing unusual until he went to stand up, both his back legs were paralysed.

No hesitation, I grabbed the cat basket, popped him in it and drove to the vet.

My diagnosis was he had broken his legs. Had he been run over by a car? Landed the wrong way after a jump? Jumped from something too high?

On first examination the vet said his legs weren’t broken, he needed to x-ray and see what was going on. I started crying. I’m not an expert, that’s the vet’s job. But I knew it was far more serious than a break.

Seeing my tears, the vet started to sugar-coat his words, I knew exactly what he was doing (making it easy for me) and I had to say, ‘I’m upset yes, but please give me everything straight, you don’t need to cover anything up’.

He didn’t. He gave me possible causes and none with an ending that any pet owner wants to hear, but only the x-ray would reveal anything.

His x-rays showed that Tipsy had broken his back.

Leaving him yesterday with the agreement that if he shows no signs of improvement through the night, the inevitable needs to happen. I received my phone call this am. And there is hope.

How? Because he had used his litter tray. It means that his body his still receiving messages from his brain and that is a v-e-r-y good sign, he can feel.

He’s not out the woods, I know that. I just have to wait today, tomorrow and possible the next day.

But I’ve been thinking about yesterday afternoon (as expected.)

This is life. Real life. Events and experiences that unexpectedly happen. Moments when we excel at putting everything else aside and focus on what needs to happen next.

When we have no hesitation in calling in an expert, no time to waste, no hanging about or second guessing. They never stop.

We don’t know what we don’t know. I guessed it was a broken leg, based on a) my limited perceptions and b) my very limited knowledge, am I doing this elsewhere in life? What am I not seeing that is obvious to others?

Being upfront and completely honest. I had to ask the vet to do this. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to wrapped up in cotton wool and denied the reality of situation. Do I wrap myself up anywhere? Do you? Unable to face the reality of what is actually happening?

Some days are days for ‘just being’. If you need them, take them.

Let’s finish with this, it’s popped into my mind twice today:

Where there is great love there are always miracles – Willa Carther