Ever quit because somebody didn’t like how you showed up in the world, picked faults and told you?
Or, ever convinced yourself that you’re not good enough?
A couple of months ago I received an email from a rather angry person that said, ‘You have spelling mistakes, if you can’t spell why should I listen to you?’.
The writer then took a few moments out of their day to tell me that I should polish up my grammar first, quit using so many exclamation marks and stop using swear words because … wait for it …it doesn’t suit a woman.
Did it hurt? I wonder if you expect me to say, ‘No, not at all, totally washed over me’ being the peep who talks endlessly about confidence, self-esteem and being yourself all the time. But I would be a lying.
Shit like that always stings!!!!!!!! (Damn those exclamation points. Must be because I have boobs or something.)
But a sting is quick right?
It’s a sharp pain that flares instantly and goes quickly.
In the past that sort of feedback used to make me question everything I was doing.
You and I talk a lot about screwing and ignoring the naysayers and the critics. But even my own advice (applied on me) gets messy from time to time, especially when the Spelling Nazis and Grammar Gestapo are taking a march around.
If I allow it they can bite a little bit of confidence (the key words there are if I allow it … that is always my choice).
And I quote …
I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intention.
Augusten Burroughs
This uniformed lot hit one of my biggest shames and fears.
Shame?
Yup. Spelling, grammar – I used to hide the dyslexia diagnosis, a year or two ago I wouldn’t even dream of putting this down.
I would tell you privately, never in public. It was my hidden shame. I thought that if I told you, you would think (just like person in the email) that I wouldn’t be good enough. The fear? Being discovered and caught.
I replied to the email. Said thanks for the feedback and that was it.
Some thoughts …
1. When we feel shame we are in fear. Anything you’re hiding?
2. When we aren’t the full expression of who we really are, love is absent.
3. When we give the shitty and shameful parts of us some room to breathe (exposure = vulnerability) we give ourselves the opportunity to let go of the negative grip they have on us. Self love!
4. When we allow the fault picking guards, wardens and militia to rule us and our work/art/projects/ideas, we cannot create and release into the world our unapologetic great work.
5. When we are imprisoned by our own shames and the opinions and judgements from others it prevents us from dropping our own guard. We pay attention to their truth of who they think we are, as opposed to our own.
You’ve got faults, carry on now.
And if you really need help to ignore the naysayers and critics and show up as you in the world there is this.
I breathed a sigh of relief after reading this! I don’t have to be perfect to put myself out there. I don’t have to be the published author of a novel to call myself a writer. It is OK to network even though I don’t yet have a business. Thank you much.
Hey Susan, ahh, perfection,there’s another one, gulp! Just thinking: maybe ‘putting ourselves out there’ needs a wee reframe. To what, who knows? It suggests there is something to fear. Mmm. Will ponder. Have a great day. xxx
Enjoyed your article. Tell you what, anyone want to really feel the pain, publish a book, sit back and wait for the trolls to tell you how worthless you are! In all fairness, that has not (yet) happened to me – though it has happened to fellow authors – so I steel myself for the inevitable day that it does. I was mercilessly bullied by a group of bitc, err I mean girls through most of high school. I know that experience can easily cripple some people, but I survived and grew a pretty tough hide as a result of the experience. You are right, it always smarts, but you can learn to filter through the crap to find anything worth retaining and then just toss tthe rest.
Hey Marquita, thanks for commenting. Dawn
It might be because I USED to think introvert was a label denoting, “something wrong with me,” that your post resonated. Quite insightful and heartfelt. Do you know my friend Susan Cooper? She, also a blogger, has dyslexia and is proud of it!
Thanks so much for the thoughtful post.
Hey Patricia, thank you for commenting. Perhaps we all have that ‘thing’ we are shameful off? Who knows. I don’t know Susan, do you have her blog? Edited this reply as mentioned Elaine Aron’s work http://www.hsperson.com/ and I have no doubt you have already heard about. Have a great day you, Dawn xxx