Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

All blog post Moxie Living

In a Negative State? Interrupt It…

Have you ever accomplished anything in a negative state of mind? Did you get anywhere?

  • Do you ever stop for a second and ask yourself ‘what state am I in?’
  • Do you think it is possible to change your state of mind instantly?
  • Is it possible to interrupt your own state, so that you can change your negative state in to a more resourceful one?

If your on the fence, here’s something that may help…

Pattern Interrupts (A Very Brief Intro)

What are they?

It’s an abrupt interrupt (movement, gesture, words): which allows a break in a persons negative state or pattern, the breaking  then allows space for the person to be more open to suggestion.

Here’s an example, can you watch this little advert…it really does do a pattern interrupt very well!

Love it?

Most parents in that situation would not use that tactic to quieten a child having a tantrum! (Or would you?)

If you’re a parent you probably know how challenging it can be to get the attention of a child while in this state.  Easy?  How about when they are crying after hurting themselves? What a state, huh?

The adult in this video does an excellent job of interrupting the negative state of the child.  You can tell by the confused look on his face.  Pattern interrupts ‘stop’ people in negative states, bring them out of that state, by doing so they are so confused, they lose their train of thoughts, it’s hard for them to return to that same original state.

In the video, the breaking of state by the child would mean he would be more open to the suggestions of the adult.  Saying to the child ‘Put it back’ wouldn’t have worked before the state change, but it would a better chance after she interrupted his state.

How Patterned are Your Arguements?

A while back I was having the ‘patterned’ arguement with my beloved.

We were walking down the busiest street in Edinburgh and both of us were in a state of ‘I’m right, you are so very wrong’.  Not much listening going on.  No backing down.

The ‘pattern’ or habit we had created for our arguements would have normally went: argue, argue, argue, huff, tutt, walk off, not speak for an hour, sorry, sorry, whats for tea?

However the pattern and negative states were interrupted…

There was a group of  people wearing t-shirts that had splattered on the front ‘Free Hugs Here’, a man from the group came up to me and said ‘We’re giving away free hugs today, would you like one, no?’

(I don’t know if he was actually aware he pattern interrupted me with that sentence, but anyway…)

Of course I said yes! Hugs rock, even from a stranger!

The point being,  my partner and I both had experienced a state change: an interruption in our ‘arguement’ pattern.  After the ‘hugs’ we couldn’t go back to the heightened negative state.  They had unconsciously taken us from a negative state into a more neutral one.  In this neutral state we were at least able to hear what each other was saying!

Your day to day habits can be useful.  You have the amazing ability to carry out tasks with your brain on automatic pilot, able to tune out what isn’t important from your conscious mind. Some things you don’t have to think about, which is useful! Can you imagine not having any patterns and learn everything from scratch each morning?

Negative States and Paying Attention

However certain patterns can also be harmful to you.  When you live your life just using patterns, you stop paying attention, you can miss vital information, close down your minds to other ideas and suggestions.

You can be the child in the advert all day long.  Never coming out the pattern.  Have you ever had days, weeks, months in the same state?

Okay, if ever you find yourself in a negative, unresourceful, limiting state or you’re around others in that state, how can you interrupt it?

Here’s a couple of ideas:

  • Write down or at least be aware of, when you are in a negative state.  Acknowledge it’s exisitence, but don’t dwell on it.
  • If you can identify times when they exist for you before they happen (warning though, when you’re writing them down, be aware your state will change, remind yourself that this is an exercise).
  • Work out ways you can interrupt the pattern or state when it arises.
  • You can interrupt your own patterns.  The key is to always be aware of how you’re feeling.  State change can happen instantly, may take practise.

If you think you’re experiencing a ‘negative state’, are you able to ask yourself two questions:

  • ‘What state am I in at this moment?’
  • ‘Why am I feeling this way right now?’
  • ‘What can I do this moment to change my state?’

The goal is to interrupt the ‘state’ or pattern so that you are open to other suggestions.

People Will Always Talk: Do It Anyway

E.E. Cummings once said ‘it takes courage to grow up and be who you really are’.

Are you constantly worried about what people say about you?

Do you seek the stamp of approval seal, the permission, the go-ahead nod, the say-so from others, a witness to just to be yourselves?

Scared to say to the world that ‘this is who I really am’?

Is it confidence?

Let’s get going by stating the obvious:

1. There will people that just don’t like you…

What you’re doing, who and what you are, your values and the image you project onto their world.

Do it anyway.

You’re never going to please them, so why the heck are you trying to?

2. Some people will always love you.

Care for you and wish you success in whatever you do.

They’ll root for you, be your biggest cheerleaders no matter what.

Do it anyway.

3. And now brace yourself for the not so obvious (it may hurt a little)

There will be a handful of people who you think are a Number 2 above but are in fact a Number 1.

They are waiting, willing and wanting for you to fall on your arse.

And the more visible you make yourself at stepping away from their version of normal, their view of their world or their comfort zones, the more they will talk.

Do it anyway.

You may never know who they are.

  • There is no way you’ll please everyone.  In life you can sit back and wait until you have the approval of everyone around you before you can make a change: it’s not coming.
  • You can give up your right to live authentically and honestly, so that you never become the topic of conversation: what a waste.
  • You can trim yourself back and keep parts of you hidden, but you’ll kill all that is special about you.
  • You can continue to stifle yourself, your creativity, your dreams, your plans, your wishes and passions.

Or, you can say ‘screw it’, get yourself buckled up and drive off in the other direction.

Will you leave some people standing?

Probably.

Will some people be sitting waiting for you to return and fill you with ‘I told you so’.  Maybe.

Only you can make the decision to never be held in an imaginary prison created for you by other people’s opinions.

A Lesson From Bond, James Bond

Sean Connery is from Edinburgh, my hometown.

When ‘Msh Moneypenny Connery’ is out of town and making the headlines folks say ‘I remember him when he was just a milkman, who does he think he is now’ and when he’s in town they are lining the streets to touch and congratulate the man.   See, Number 3’s!

Do you think for one second Connery worries and concerns himself with the people who are bitter about his success and former career as a milkman?  Em, no!

Okay, maybe Connery is not a great example, here’s another:

A woman wants to return to work and with little formal education she attends a training program, as each day passes she learns something new about herself.

She comes to a decision that her current life is not the same one she wants for her future.

So she makes changes.

She no longer wants to go to the same places, do the same things, keep the same company and maintain certain friendships.

People in her life who are content and happy with the ‘way she is’ begin to struggle and can’t understand it when the current comfort zone (they both existed in for so long) is no longer good enough for her.

So the relationship changes, a distance is created.

She becomes the ‘outsider’.

Now some of her once ‘well wishers’ need to know that they are right for not having stepped out from the ‘norm’, so they begin to create alliances with the rest of the pack.

They meet, they discuss, they talk about the outsider, forgetting in their berating and belittling that they once connected and shared.

They now look forward to the day she falls on her face.

The Do It Anyway Lessons

1.     People will always talk. Always.  There is no doubt in my mind that when I have just ten minutes breathe left inside me, I won’t be thinking about all the people I didn’t please.

How about you?

Give yourself one good reason why they should matter now.

2.     I may however be full of regret of what I didn’t manage to squeeze in.

What comfort zones are you currently living in that you know are no longer good enough for you?

What will happen if you stay there?

3.     Many people (in my experience) are terrified of stepping away and out from the safety of a ‘closed’ group.  So they remain static, however the longer you try and please everyone, all the time, the longer you are moving further and further away from who the hell you are.

Have you seen the film Educating Rita (the scene in the bar), get your hands on a copy and watch.

4.     To remain in a comfort zone that no longer fits you will crush your passion, motivation, integrity and authenticity.

What are currently putting off because of the fear people may talk?

5.     Do It Anyway.

Dr Seuss quote sums this up,“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

6.     If you do fall, it’s 99% certain you are going to fall forward not back, get up, keeping moving, ignore the naysayers.

7.     The stamp of approval seal…you need no permission. Ever.

Get yourself out of the waiting room of life, people remain in there all their years, waiting on the all clear to be themselves.

It will never happen, that call you’re waiting on is only one you can make to yourself.

I thought I would end with a poem, it’s not mine it’s written by a lady called Agnes.

I didn’t know her personally and her life was received with a positive and negative reception, just like yours and mine.

But whatever people said, her critics and supporters, her life was definitely  ‘I did it anyway’…

Mother Teresa’s Anyway Poem

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self entered; Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; It was never between you and them anyway.

Children, Confidence and Self Esteem

As parents and carers is one of the hopes and wishes for your children that they grow up happy, with the confidence to ‘stand on their own two feet’ and high self-esteem? Ensuring they can cope and still remain strong with whatever to them in life.Children are incredibly resilient, determined, driven and amazingly creative, ah, at one time we all had these skills, they came with being young!

Yet, many parents can see their once confident child completely change before their eyes, she seems to be more fearful and perhaps withdraw from the activities and hobbies she once loved.

When Should You Consider Your Childs Self Esteem?

During pregnancy and as a new parent you may never consider the confidence and self-esteem of your new baby.  In fact, it may not even cross your mind at all unless you begin to notice the change of behaviour.

If you’re a new parent:

Spend time thinking (even if it’s just ten minutes every month) about your child’s confidence and self-esteem.  Picture as you watch them growing everyday what you wish and hope for in their life.

Everything she sees, hears, feels, tastes and touches will be stored and called upon as she grows, when she is making her own decisions and choices.  Actual events may not be remembered in years to come; yet her brain is hard at work registering and programming the world around her.

You see, as adults we can sometimes forget that all through those development years we are ‘conditioning’ and ‘moulding’ and ‘shaping’ her beliefs.

If you’re lacking in confidence and self esteem:

Many times I have worked with parents on courses and they have all said ‘I wish I had this course as a child’.

Children pick up on everything; they can learn the behaviours that come with a lack of confidence and self-esteem.  If you feel, you lack both the best time to increase them was before your child was born, the second best time is today.

It can be learned.

Self-esteem is an estimation of your own self worth.

You can learn, yet in the meantime, as you focus on your new role here’s a few self-care rules:

Take time for you, remember you are many roles (not just a parent) and to stay healthy acknowledge them all, you don’t stop being you when you become a mum or dad (or carer), use support networks, be honest with how you are feeling and share it with others.

Work on your own confidence and self-esteem: if you feel worthy and confident, the same feelings will be passed along to her.

Avoid Teaching Fear – I remember once (while walking my dogs), an adult said to their daughter rushing towards them, ‘come back they might bite you’ and they promptly pulled yanked the child and placed them behind their legs.

‘Oh, that’s a shame, were they bitten before?’  I asked.

‘No’ was the reply ‘but I was at their age, I’ve never been keen on them (dogs) since.’

The girl was not frightened of the dogs, yet I’m sure in time they will be, it was their Dad teaching them that dogs are to be feared, yet the truth was, it was his fear, based on his experiences, but it doesn’t end there…

Ask yourself what fears are you teaching your children:

  • Fear of heights?
  • Fear of spiders?
  • Fear of taking risks?
  • Fear of putting on weight?
  • Fear of running away from problems?
  • Fear of money?
  • Fear of you?
  • Fear of love?
  • Fear of authority?

Then think about this…what has your child got to look forward to living with the fear, you should be able to answer it, because you have lived it!

Stay Clear of Damaging Talk – watch your words, if I were to ask you think of an elephant, the chances are you would think of an elephant…you probably didn’t spell the word elephant, letter by letter in your head, you created a picture of an elephant!

The same applies to everything you say to children.

We adults are (sometimes) very quick to use words that automatically and suggestively can create negative pictures.

Listen to the world around you (and yourself) statements are shouted and spat at children like ‘you’re bad’ or ‘don’t be so stupid’ or ‘you’re so lazy’ or ‘you’re such a pain’.

‘You are’ statements are never 100% accurate; in most cases they are labelling your child.  (And it’s not just you, don’t worry, they will also here it in the playground, in class…yet said often enough they do become part of the ‘make up’ of your child.)

All this creates in your child’s head is the ‘pictures’ of what someone who is bad, lazy, stupid, being annoying might ‘look like’.

You’ve heard the saying ‘you become what you think about most’? It maybe should come as no surprise then that the unwanted behaviour just gets worse as the pictures are being created over and over and over.

Let’s look at the statement ‘don’t be stupid’.  What’s the real truth?  Is your child stupid?  Probably not. Or has your child behaved in a way that does not fit in with your wants, needs and wishes?

For example…imagine you have ‘hidden’ the chocolate biscuits in the top shelf of a cupboard.  Your child (witnessing your childlike behaviour:) decides they want one!

Now remember, children have not learnt fully yet the whole concept of lateral thinking and the ultimate consequences for actions…it makes no sense to them, they are still living in the moment.

What they see is the opportunity to climb! And climbing is fun! And going through their head is: won’t you, the person who loves them most in the world, be so impressed at how high they climbed? 

So they climb, and you catch them.  I know the hardest thing may to say ‘wow, what a great climber, what are you climbing for, wish I was that good at climbing?’ And then, ask them to ‘see if you can climb down as well’.

Congratulate the climbing and creativity, and then deal with the unwanted behaviour.

No, most would people would promptly pull the child down and say something about the behaviour.

Separate the behaviour from the child, simple!

End Dates With The Boogie Man or Mind Garbage!

As children we grow up hearing, what I call ‘mind garbage’.  You know, things like the ‘boogie man will get you’, or the ‘giant beneath the bed will eat you if you don’t go to sleep’, and ‘goblins and trolls will steal your toys if you don’t behave’, to name but a few (these garbage items are passed from generation to generation and some are specific to areas where people live)

And, as children we believed them! They are repeated so often we maybe even created vivid pictures in our heads of what these ‘mind garbage creatures looked like!

There is nothing wrong with using these fictitious characters in stories but when it comes to using them as a bribe or blackmail, out with the context of a good story, it might be more serious.

Now, I’m not saying many children grow into adults up fearing the ‘boogie man’, yet as adults we exchange the mind garbage…’the boogie man’ fear becomes the ‘I’m not good enough’ fear, the ‘goblins and trolls’ fear becomes the ‘I hate myself’ fear.

Think about it for a minute; can remember how frightened you were of those ‘imaginary characters’ as a child and how they gripped you and made you behave in a certain way…BUT now you can probably laugh at how ridiculous it was?

It’s all made up, imaginary, it doesn’t exist, yet you’ve repeated it often enough to build it into something so fearful that facing it straight on has become an impossible task.

Talk open and honestly to your child, they are very bright, intelligent and want to be included in your life (they are your biggest fan!).  Yes, I know ‘mind garbage’ is easier and quicker to get the outcome you want, but in the long term?

Create Positive Pictures – as previously mentioned we think in pictures (or the majority of us do).

Create pictures for your child.  Here’s an example; recently I was with my 8 year old nephew, my intention was he clean up the damage and aftermath of a so-called ‘cooking session’ at my house.

Instantly they said ‘no’ I replied ‘but I see you as being a great chef and a tidy worker’ they said (because they are used to me and my ways) ‘you’re just saying that to get me to do it’ (bright, very bright and I had been caught!)

My reply ‘well, you’re a great chef, an excellent tidy worker and very, very, very smart at spotting that, can we tidy up now?’

‘Yes’ was the reply!

The point, create the pictures of how you WANT it to be, not how you DON’T want it i.e. ‘you will so tidy up and stop being lazy’…picture creates laziness!

And lastly love…

Love with all your soul, even the behaviour that’s unwanted, because that’s part of your child too.  It’s not about displaying affection sharing hugs, kisses and quality time when your child is good.

Love can also be expressed by spending time, listening, respecting, honouring, sharing, being their, putting aside differences, not holding on to past mistakes and behaviour.

Children don’t just ‘lose’ self esteem and confidence, they have experiences (just like you and I) which can create feelings of low self worth, it’s reversible so get educated, learn tools for yourself that you can apply in your role as a parent.  Don’t ignore it or think it will ‘pass’.

 

The Voice That Destroys Self Esteem

Do you talk to yourself?

If you answered ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘sometimes’ then let’s assume that you do.

No, in fact, you do.  We all do…I don’t mean talking to yourself out loud…the internal, your thoughts…

The stream of never ending chitchat and debate.

The good news is that we all have a voice within in us that can raise our self-esteem and build our self-confidence.

And the bad news is that very same voice is able to destroy us by vicious attacks and belittling…our hope, our strengths, abilities, achievements, goals can all be thwarted by reminding us of all our failures, weaknesses, guilt’s and embarrassments.

For people experiencing low self-esteem and low self-confidence there is no respite, no escape, no understanding or peace, it can go on for days, weeks, months, years and sadly, even lifetimes.

The voice generalises the world around you and undermines you, it distorts and manipulates the true ‘truth’, it has no empathy or compassion.

It fills you with fear and dread, full of ‘might have beens’ and ‘if only you were better, smarter, fitter, more loving’.

Heaven forbid you make any mistakes because it will never let you forget them; it’s your worst enemy yet you spend all your time with it.  You are never free from the voice however…

…it can be retrained and programmed to become the best friend you could ever have, hope and wish for.

Buddhist call this voice your chattering monkey, self help books call it your self talk, others call it your critic.  The first step in acknowledging the voice is to give it a name that suits you.

Through my work with people this is a huge topic, which gets the attention it deserves.  It’s kinda like the lesson we were never given in school but should have been.

So How Can You Train It?

By catching it out.  Try the following for 24 hours; build it up to a week, then a month…

As soon as you ‘hear’ any little voice trying to put you in your place, stop your goals, put you down and back where you supposedly belong…say something OUTLOUD like ‘that’s not true’.

Why outloud?  Seems a little weird huh?  Because by bringing it from internal to external means you have to recognise it.  To keep it internal you would eventually stop paying attention to the task.  Quickly the negative talk would be happening all over again, in the background.

Try it and see!

Workplace Bullying Is Never Acceptable

It never ceases to amaze me how some people get paid to bully (sorry) manage others.

A trip yesterday led me to to local pet store, I was served by a very cheery, helpful person. However just behind her, a manager was verbally tearing strips out another member of staff, in full view and earshot of around 10 customers.

And it wasn’t pleasant. It was disgusting. So shameful that I actually said something.

I mean, I’m all for the giving and receiving of constructive feedback – but this was blatant bullying, public humiliation, ridicule and hurt.

The Workplace Bully

Have you ever had to work with the person who has created little ‘additions’ to their job description, which could read something like the following…

  • ‘Ability to destroy another persons self esteem, confidence, worth’
  • ‘Ability to abuse personal power and undermine others and take away their dignity and self respect’

It is incredibly difficult to work alongside and in partnership with another human being who is hell bent on making your life miserable.

Actually, it’s worse than ‘miserable’ – sadness and despair, depressing, dejecting, scary and extremely intimidating, unpredictable and uncertain…working in environment where you don’t know what is coming next is unproductive and highly demoralising.

Bullying is abuse. 

It’s an abuse of power.

Full stop.

And no, the person does not have to be higher up the ladder than you.  It can happen once or it can be ongoing over a period of time.  And yes, it takes many forms…it can be blatantly obvious or extremely subtle.

Okay…how do you know if you’re being bullied?

Examples:

  • You are the ‘target’ of others jokes and ‘we’re only teasing’ and ‘pulling your leg’ ‘lighten up’ comments, you are screamed at, shouted at, patronised in front of others or on your own.
  • When the way you are being treated is consistently destroying your dignity, undermining you, and putting no value on your worth.
  • You can become aware of it when you are being consistently criticised, belittled, talked about behind your back (or even in front of you), when your work is constantly being scrutinised, or your views and opinions are not listened to.
  • You are not allowed to do your job effectively, always being given task that are not part of your description, kept back from what you are capable of achieving, you are lied to, cheated at and denied opportunities and chances (promotion).
  • When you experience manipulative or aggressive behaviours directed at you from others.

It’s unacceptable.

And you may have spoken about your experience with friends and family who have advised you to ‘stand up’ to them and ‘don’t let them get away with it’…and maybe you excuse their behaviour and tell yourself that ‘it must be you and it really isn’t that bad’, completely in denial of what is actually happening (natural, considering your self esteem and confidence is being destroyed.)

Mmm…

Worse is the myth that ‘the person’ is just being assertive…absolutely not the case: bullying, manipulating and aggression are not assertive behaviours…far, far, from the truth, and one of the reasons why assertiveness is so misunderstood.

Don’t Confuse Bullying With Assertiveness

Assertive people operate from a place of positive outcomes, and are completely aware and act to ensure that your self esteem, worth and rights are consistently acknowledge and heard.

Bully behaviour specialists on the other hand…could not care less about YOU!  It’s all about them and what they can gain (physically, emotionally, psychologically).

Sure they care how you feel, you can feel anything you like…as long as it’s destructive and you have no power.

So what are the effects on you?

Well apart from the ‘biggies’ of losing confidence, self worth, esteem, dignity and human rights! Need I go on?

Let’s see…depression, stress related illness, no power, unable to do your job to the best of your ability, sick days, lack of focus, fear and apprehension.

What can you do?

Ah, the big question.

Right, shall we be honest, I would love to say ‘stand up and fight back’ but that probably is (no actually it is 100%)  the most useless piece of information anyone could give you.

Why?

Well, it’s the right reply, however it may be too late…

What!

Here’s what I mean…

If you have reached the conclusion that you are being bullied there is a big chance that your self confidence and esteem has been destroyed and you would not want to ‘face’ the bully anyway.

What are your options? Start a grievance? Leave?

It’s so easy for me to write what to do, yet I also know from personal experience putting it into action is not an easy task…with all that has gone before and how you currently may feel.

The answer comes from getting informed and gaining knowledge…that alone will increase your confidence and personal power.

Learn, Discover, Explore:

  • The definition of assertiveness: the techniques, tools and make them part of your own behaviour.
  • The effects of bullying on a person (the psychological, physical and practical) and if needed look at ‘child bullying’ website, of which there are plenty.
  • The behaviours, characteristics and ‘how to spot a bully’
  • Phrases (quote from memory) that you can use when faced with bullying behaviour.
  • Understand how bullies can behave (there are different types…emotional bullies, physical bullies, psychological bullies)
  • Keep a diary and an accurate record of all bullying, manipulating and aggressive behaviour.  Why? You may decide to start a grievance procedure and that counts as evidence.
  • Take out the emotion!  If a workplace bully has been bullying for a very long time, the chances are no-one has challenged them on their behaviour.

We are all emotional beings however removing the emotion attached to an experience is something that can be learned.

To the bully if you say ‘you made (or make) me feel’ it’s not going to work.

You have just affirmed and confirmed that what they set out to achieve.

I mean can you imagine:

You: ‘When you said that I felt really annoyed and well, quite frightened’
Bully: ‘Oh, I’m sorry you felt that way, I won’t let it happen again’

Yeah! Right! (well, they may say it, but they don’t mean it…it’s going to take a lot more to undo the behaviours that the bully has developed over a lifetime)

The bully does not care about achieving harmony and win/win…so all you can do is learn how to manage their behaviour and your own emotional response to the behaviour.

They say a leopard can’t change it’s spots and once a bully always a bully…In my line of work (helping people change;)  have to disagree, yet I don’t think it would be easy!

The leopard has to learn that it has spots first and want to change them!

In the meantime, learn how to protect yourself and your self-esteem.

Useful Websites:

I’m not a specialist on bullying however there are others who are, here’s a few links to external sites that we have come across:

http://www.bullyonline.org/

http://www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=794

Have you ever been bullied at work? What happened?

What One Woman Can Teach Us All About Awareness…

You’ve maybe never heard of Jill Bolte Taylor (until now).  A neuroanatomist she woke up one morning and realised she was having a massive stroke…what’s remarkable (and powerful to hear) is she remembers every moment: she experienced every part of her brain functions slipping away…there is a V-E-R-Y strong (beautiful) message behind her talk, she asks:

‘So who are we? We are the life force power of the universe, with manual dexterity and two cognitive minds. And we have the power to choose, moment by moment, who and how we want to be in the world.‘

Even now, posting it on our blog – we’ve watched it again, and have taken something else from her message.

We hope you enjoy it as much as we did, feel free to leave your thoughts below the video in comments: