Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

Sent via email this week was ‘When it comes to speaking up in meetings, I just panic, my mind goes blank, I feel stupid and it looks like I don’t know my job!’

Yuck!  Not pleasant, and yes we all know that speaking in public is a huge trigger of anxiety for many.

Here’s my reply and there’s a little exercise for you at the end if this email applies to you also.

“I’m going to assume you do know your job, and that’s not the problem, yes?

Questions for you: has it always been this way?  Is this a new behaviour? Is it every meeting?  Do you know when it started?

Funny, I was just speaking to a friend the other day discussing the time when they took on a new position.  They went from being (their words) ‘one of the boys, on the floor, hands on’ into a management role, which included weekly meetings with individuals who were in senior company roles, ‘the professionals and academics’.

They went on to say they ‘didn’t feel as worthy as everyone else in the meetings, no qualifications, training, big words or the same salary’. They would feel out of place, and thought that their contribution wasn’t as valuable or important as their peers.

Okay, for my friend there was something going on with self esteem and self image, they built these weekly meetings into mental monsters, their solution was hypnotherapy which helped reduce the anxiety.

Are you having emotional and physical responses to speaking: sweaty palms, raised heart rate, dry mouth, shaky?

You specifically used the word ‘panic’, so that would suggest to me that the above physical symptoms are happening, plus the ‘mind blank’.

You perhaps listen to conversations, however not really taking it in, because you’re thinking about you, and worrying about when it’s your turn to speak?

Would that be accurate?

Here’s The Great News

First, be thankful that your brain is doing its job, keeping you safe. The brains primary role is survival first, fight or flight, when you’re in a state of ‘panic’ it’s shutting down other areas and focussing on what do next.

Simply, brain science ahead…when the brain is in threat, it literally floods itself with what are known as stress hormones: adrenaline and norepinephrine.  Basically, your brain switches to massive hyper-alert! It’s not concerning itself with the emotional or thinking parts of the brain  – all focus is on keeping safe, hence why you may forget why your in the meeting in the first place or why you go mind blank!

The good news is you can’t turn off this response; the bad news is you can’t turn off this response; you can easily turn it down or more accurately control what is stressful or puts your brain on red alert!

Takes a little practice, will require a bit of focus, but absolutely can be learned and/or managed.

Somehow it’s become ‘normal’ or habitual for your brain to behave this way, at these events.  I’m sure you’ll know why, however content is not important, let’s try and change it.

Here’s a technique:

Stage 1: Prepare Yourself

1. You’re going to create a few new ‘mental movies’. First, find a quiet place to go through the exercise (it helps if someone can read it through, if  that’s not possible, read it a few times and then try), it may seem odd at first attempt, and perhaps the second, by the third you’ll probably find it quite easy.
2. First, close your eyes, you don’t have to, but some people find it easier.
3. In your mind, picture ‘you’ at one of your meetings, for the exercise you are watching ‘you’, from a distance.  You are just an observer in this exercise; the ‘other you’ is doing all the work and learning.
4. See the environment, place the people that are always there then focus in on ‘you’ and look at you, see ‘you’ with all the skills, confident feelings and assertive behaviours. Watch ‘you’ in the meeting you are playing in your head as you speak and effectively communicate with everyone in the meeting.
5. In the ‘movie’ play the images as you want and know how they can be.
6. Play this movie over and over and stop when you have a detailed movie of how you wish to behave in meetings.

You will probably find it’s a ‘bitty’ movie – the time it takes for you to play an entire meeting may only be 10 minutes in your mind, that’s okay.

Stage 2

1. Now, choose a topic you know very well at work. When you have the ‘mental meeting’ above to a level that you agree with, you are now to play the same reel, with you standing up and talking about that one topic you are passionate about.
2. Replay the movie – this time with the focus on you delivering your topic, see the other you talking with clarity, purpose, passion, and focus.  Watch how others are responding to the other you, intent, interested, paying attention.
3. Keep playing this movie over and over.

Stage 3: Repeat to Remember

1. Play the next meeting 10x in your head, exactly the same as above.  See the other you before the meeting, going into the meeting, at the meeting, leaving the meeting.  Notice how you leave, is it confident? Professional?  What words or emotions do you leave each meeting with? Insert them into the movie.
2. As you ‘leave the meeting’ repeat these words in your head.  The positive feelings.

Stage 4: Pull It All Together

1. Only when you have a clear, accurate and positive picture of the other ‘you’ in meetings complete this stage.
2. Step into the other you and play over the meeting above again at least 10 times.  If there is a glitch that comes up, deal with it there and then.

Why this exercise?

It’s visualisation – the reality is that the brain doesn’t know what event is real or imagined.

By repeating each step (watching the other you, then stepping into the other you) you are simply confusing the picture, feelings and emotions you currently have with meetings.

Repetition is key (only when you have the positive movie), we repeat to remember.  Your simply creating another dominant picture for your brain, the ‘mental movies’ allow you to create new behaviours and habits, in a safe environment.

Have  you experienced this?  What helped?  What didn’t?