Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

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Dare to Be You Free E-Book

March 18 Dawn

dare to be you free e-book

daretobeyou Quick Details: Dare to Be You is a 52 page free e-book and it can be found in the toolkit. It was written to inspire you to take action on those big beautiful ideas and dreams. To get access to it and all the other goodies, the sign up box-y-thingy is at the bottom of the page. But why not take two mins and read all about it.

What’s in your future?

(Gulp!)

Looking backwards what decisions have you made for you, and how many were made by other people on your behalf?

When you’re alone in the night time silence: 3 am, up, unable to sleep, sitting with a drink because something is niggling away at you …

Do you meet with your real self?

Is she calling on you to remember who you really are?

Does she come to you with your real desires?

Does she remind you that there isn’t an infinite amount of time available to you?

Does she upset you?

Does she provide pictures of the unfilled promises you made her?

Maybe you feel you’ve let her and yourself down.

I get it. That dull ache. The secret pain.

Right-i-oh. Most people do know what they want from life, even you. In coaching it’s pretty obvious, most people come thinking they need to work it all out, where the truth (generally) is they just need to change their minds.

Joseph Campbell wrote, ‘Follow your bliss’.

Not doing it for you? Okay then …

Helen Keller once said, ‘Life is a daring adventure, or nothing’.

No? Still not hitting the spot? Try this one …

Somebody said, ‘You are the result of 4 billion years of evolution, fucking act like it’.

Eek!

The biggest no you can give yourself is the no to allowing yourself full permission to be who you really are.

Who’s that? I don’t know. I’m working on me.

I do think however it’s …

The you that is imperfect, great at making mistakes, trying and screwing up, falling and failing.

The you that is 1000x bigger than who you think you are.

The you that is brilliantly creative, loving and lovable, all present and whole.

The you that needs no explanation.

The you that embraces love over fear.

The you that is not afraid to take the journey inside.

The you that accepts the challenge of living, but won’t find it challenging.

To be the real you, I think, is the biggest challenge we can undertake. Sometimes we need a dare to take it.

It’s not easy. It’s a long road. One filled with our own barriers and roadblocks and those placed by others who don’t want us to step away from what’s ‘normal’.

To not be sucked into and drowned in the sea of mediocrity.

To not be stopped by fear when you are on the path of creating a meaningful life for you, your family and the world at large, whatever meaningful means to you.

The people I meet are ready, they generally have deep desires and have got to the point where enough is enough, and they are prepared to accept their own dares: to do whatever it takes to push past imaginary boundaries and limitations.

Ordinary peeps like you and me.

Deep down within them and perhaps you, there is a spark, they are ready to light up parts of their world, and the external world, and they refuse to sit idle, through their dare they are creating peaceful mini-revolutions.

Yet, they arrive here with a fear (or a number of them). Here‟s the thing, if you want to create your life on your terms, you‟ll need to have to have courage, and faith, spirit and stamina to dig deep, get to know who you really are and be 100% willing to do whatever it takes.

It doesn‟t matter who you are, where you are, if your past was good or bad. It doesn‟t matter your her-story or his-story, your life success and quality is created with what you did do, not by what you could’ve done.

I want you to dare yourself to start your crusade.

For you to stop pissing about and blaming, excusing, worrying, fearing, holding back and ignoring your true passions, desires and purpose.

I want you to dare you to live an awesome, remarkable, loving, truthful life.

Ready? Want to dare? Just sign up below, you’ll get all the toolkit goodies and updates. No, I won’t spam your inbox – urgh, who does that?

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Do You Have a Fear of Speaking In Meetings?

February 9 Dawn

Sent via email this week was ‘When it comes to speaking up in meetings, I just panic, my mind goes blank, I feel stupid and it looks like I don’t know my job!’

Yuck! Not pleasant, and yes we all know that speaking in public is a huge trigger of anxiety for many.

Here’s my reply and there’s a little exercise for you at the end if this email applies to you also.

“I’m going to assume you do know your job, and that’s not the problem, yes?

Questions for you: has it always been this way? Is this a new behaviour? Is it every meeting? Do you know when it started?

Funny, I was just speaking to a friend the other day discussing the time when they took on a new position. They went from being (their words) ‘one of the boys, on the floor, hands on’ into a management role, which included weekly meetings with individuals who were in senior company roles, ‘the professionals and academics’.

They went on to say they ‘didn’t feel as worthy as everyone else in the meetings, no qualifications, training, big words or the same salary’. They would feel out of place, and thought that their contribution wasn’t as valuable or important as their peers.

Okay, for my friend there was something going on with self esteem and self image, they built these weekly meetings into mental monsters, their solution was hypnotherapy which helped reduce the anxiety.

Are you having emotional and physical responses to speaking: sweaty palms, raised heart rate, dry mouth, shaky?

You specifically used the word ‘panic’, so that would suggest to me that the above physical symptoms are happening, plus the ‘mind blank’.

You perhaps listen to conversations, however not really taking it in, because you’re thinking about you, and worrying about when it’s your turn to speak?

Would that be accurate?

Here’s The Great News

First, be thankful that your brain is doing its job, keeping you safe. The brains primary role is survival first, fight or flight, when you’re in a state of ‘panic’ it’s shutting down other areas and focussing on what do next.

Simply, brain science ahead…when the brain is in threat, it literally floods itself with what are known as stress hormones: adrenaline and norepinephrine. Basically, your brain switches to massive hyper-alert! It’s not concerning itself with the emotional or thinking parts of the brain – all focus is on keeping safe, hence why you may forget why your in the meeting in the first place or why you go mind blank!

The good news is you can’t turn off this response; the bad news is you can’t turn off this response; you can easily turn it down or more accurately control what is stressful or puts your brain on red alert!

Takes a little practice, will require a bit of focus, but absolutely can be learned and/or managed.

Somehow it’s become ‘normal’ or habitual for your brain to behave this way, at these events. I’m sure you’ll know why, however content is not important, let’s try and change it.

Here’s a technique:

Stage 1: Prepare Yourself

You’re going to create a few new ‘mental movies’. First, find a quiet place to go through the exercise (it helps if someone can read it through, if that’s not possible, read it a few times and then try), it may seem odd at first attempt, and perhaps the second, by the third you’ll probably find it quite easy.
First, close your eyes, you don’t have to, but some people find it easier.
In your mind, picture ‘you’ at one of your meetings, for the exercise you are watching ‘you’, from a distance. You are just an observer in this exercise; the ‘other you’ is doing all the work and learning.
See the environment, place the people that are always there then focus in on ‘you’ and look at you, see ‘you’ with all the skills, confident feelings and assertive behaviours. Watch ‘you’ in the meeting you are playing in your head as you speak and effectively communicate with everyone in the meeting.
In the ‘movie’ play the images as you want and know how they can be.
Play this movie over and over and stop when you have a detailed movie of how you wish to behave in meetings.

You will probably find it’s a ‘bitty’ movie – the time it takes for you to play an entire meeting may only be 10 minutes in your mind, that’s okay.

Stage 2

Now, choose a topic you know very well at work. When you have the ‘mental meeting’ above to a level that you agree with, you are now to play the same reel, with you standing up and talking about that one topic you are passionate about.
Replay the movie – this time with the focus on you delivering your topic, see the other you talking with clarity, purpose, passion, and focus. Watch how others are responding to the other you, intent, interested, paying attention.
Keep playing this movie over and over.

Stage 3: Repeat to Remember

Play the next meeting 10x in your head, exactly the same as above. See the other you before the meeting, going into the meeting, at the meeting, leaving the meeting. Notice how you leave, is it confident? Professional? What words or emotions do you leave each meeting with? Insert them into the movie.
As you ‘leave the meeting’ repeat these words in your head. The positive feelings.

Stage 4: Pull It All Together

Only when you have a clear, accurate and positive picture of the other ‘you’ in meetings complete this stage.
Step into the other you and play over the meeting above again at least 10 times. If there is a glitch that comes up, deal with it there and then.

Why this exercise?

It’s visualisation – the reality is that the brain doesn’t know what event is real or imagined.

By repeating each step (watching the other you, then stepping into the other you) you are simply confusing the picture, feelings and emotions you currently have with meetings.

Repetition is key (only when you have the positive movie), we repeat to remember. Your simply creating another dominant picture for your brain, the ‘mental movies’ allow you to create new behaviours and habits, in a safe environment.

Have you experienced this? What helped? What didn’t?

Time To Rewrite Your Stories?

February 1 Dawn

What’s your story? You will have one, we all do.

I’ve heard many stories; sometimes I’m the listener to an individual sharing their ‘story’ for the very first time.

And some have been horrendous in content: full encyclopedias of fear, loneliness, addictions, pain, vulnerabilities, sadness, lack, hopelessness, and worthlessness.

And some stories, I can’t help with, I’m not experienced or the best person to help with the re-write.

For some it could be the 100th time they have ‘told’ their story, but the first time it has been listened to, believed, acknowledged and understood.

When coaching, it’s my role to listen first, and then help a person to unravel the structure, the content and the plot so that, should they want to, they could close the pages on that particular story and begin another, safely knowing that those chapters are purely there for reference only.

At other times, I can hear the same story repeated over and over again, just in case I didn’t get the ‘plot’ the first time.

You see, some people are extremely attached to their personal stories, they have the telling of it so well crafted, they hold onto so tightly because to give it up, they may be frightened they may have nothing else to write.

It’s because of this chapter I am who I am today.

It’s because of these characters I can no longer (fill in the blank).

It’s because of this ‘baddie’ or that ‘ogre’ that I’m unable to move forward.

It’s because of this ‘speech’ someone once gave me, I lack confidence.

It’s because of this plot, I couldn’t possible attempt what I need to do.

Stories are extremely powerful, including personal stories: when shared they can inspire, influence, persuade, make meaning where there was once confusion, and inform.

They can create order out of chaos, can challenge your way of thinking, your beliefs and your assumptions of your world and how you ‘see’ it.

Our brains can’t remember every detail of our life, so it makes sense that we can chunk our lives up into various chapters, doesn’t it?

Sadly for some, they come to rely on their stories so much, they can’t move their ‘work of creative genius’ (their life) forward – their story has become a ‘Dictionary of Excuses’.

And for some they can’t complete the story because the pain is so great. There are blanks.

There is nothing wrong with having a great (life) story, the more hurdles overcome and barriers broken down the better.

Do you have the need to repeat, share and divulge your story in the hope that someone will understand you a little better?

“Please hear my story, when you hear it, you’ll understand why I am the way that I am? I have deep secrets, that in order to really know me, I have to tell you them. I know you won’t accept me, unless you can hear where I’ve been, know what I’ve seen, and I’ve shared what I’ve felt.”

Do you consistently refer to your past story?

Some of the repeated stories I’ve hear often are: the ‘Blame Story’, ‘Failures of the Past Story’ or the ‘Fear of Action Story’ is popular, quite eye opening is the ‘All Men are Bastards Story’ or the sequel ‘My Girlfriend is Two Timing Cheat Story’, ‘No Education Story’, ‘No Good Enough Story’ or ‘Bad Relationships Story’ , I could go on forever.

They were all fabulous stories. But that is all they are, just stories. They matter, of course they do. The great stories are the ‘fear’, ‘victim’ and ‘sabotaging’ stories: our brains love a great survival story, but their impact doesn’t last. Eventually these stories, after being heard once have no relevance or impact.

As a trainer and teller of stories, the most remembered stories are those that offer hope, solutions, alternatives, a hero’s ending or the opportunity for personal growth.

Have you heard a story that has touched you? You can still recall it’s telling, the meaning, the moral and how it made you feel? Perhaps at difficult times in your life you can instantly remember it, and it offers you calm and clarity? Maybe you share it with others? It can be a story someone tells you, a quote, a film, a poem.

Okay, what about you? Is there a story or chapter in your life that needs to move to the out of print section? Is there a story that you are keeping alive, that no longer needs to be told? Are you using past stories as excuses today?

Tough questions.

Are you holding onto a plot that is obsolete? That no one reads any more apart from you? Do you want to let go of a story that no longer needs to be part of your identity? Do you need to rework your story now?

Have you ever written your story down?

Isn’t funny when the ‘s**t is hitting the fan’ many of us say ‘oh, one day I’ll write a book about this’.

So write it, even if it is just a chapter in length. I can hear you, ‘I’m not a writer!‘ This isn’t an exercise in penning the next Booker Prize winner or writing your 800 page memoir, it’s just a little exercise in reframing:

To coach and empower yourself, are you able to write it this way…

Are you able to write it from a ‘hero’s’ perspective?

Are you able to take all the characters, the plot and turn it into a story of hope? Smaller stories, that if you shared them, yours would be the story that another remembers, for years after you shared it?

To get started here’s the writing secret:

Start

Continue

End

Here’s your opening line ‘Once upon a time…’ (Why start with that? Because it starts to reframe the time, your story becomes past tense)

“Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, the power to retell it, rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as times change, truly are powerless, because they cannot think new thoughts.” Salman Rushdie

Photo Credits: Paul

Coach Yourself Quick Tip Ask ‘How Do I?

January 31 Dawn

Here’s a quick technique you can use to coach yourself:

Get a pen and write down the fears that are holding you hostage right now. You don’t need to get into the detail, because you’ll know what it means, bullets or short sentences will do.

Next, take the fears and turn them into ‘How do I?’ questions.

For example: I don’t have any confidence becomes ‘How do I become a person of high confidence’, ‘I’m fearful of the opinions of others, becomes ‘how do I no longer care about what others think of me?’ or ‘I cannot speak in public’ becomes ‘how do I become an awesome public speaker’.

Then, write down your solutions.

Why am I sharing this with you? You will have the answers to your biggest fears, okay the next part — taking action may require a little more work!

We can sometimes become so caught up in the ‘fear’, without asking the right questions we can get stuck, getting bogged down with the problem and shutting down the creative conscious that may offer us solutions.

The Stages of Learning

January 25 Dawn

Have you experienced a time in the past when you thought to yourself ‘I’m never going to understand this’ and then all of a sudden, you have a ‘lightbulb moment’, all the pieces just come together?

Many people give themselves w-a-y too hard a time when they’re learning new information. Learning anything for the first time, you are a beginner again.

It was a dude called Noel Burch who developed The Four Stages of Learning back in the 70’s: it is a model, a theory it offers up suggestions as to how we learn.

So before you get frustrated. Give up. Pull your hair out. Quit.

Here they are…

Stage 1: Unconscious incompetence

You don’t know what you don’t know.

Think of something that you’re really good at now, there will have been a time in the past where you knew nothing about it and were completely unware you needed to learn it.

Stage 2: Conscious incompetence

You know about it, but aren’t very good at it.

Driving is a perfect example of this. If you’re driver do you remember the learning, and how clumsy it was?

It’s during this stage you feel the learning is slow, because you’re consciously aware of all the mistakes you are making, you know you’re not good at it, yet!

However, this is the fastest learning stage. Your brain is making sense, creating clarity out of your felt confusion. Unknown to the conscious ‘you’, your brain is loving the new information (our brains love new things keep feeding it) and getting the information ‘down good’ for you.

Then comes stage three: Conscious competence

You know it well, you are still having to concentrate.

You have the learning, however you may feel that you are having to really focus and concentrate. This is a slower learning stage than stage two, the new learning is not yet habitual and consistent. Mistakes may still be made, however slow you may think it is, progress is still happening.

Stage 4: Unconscious competence

This is where the learning has become habitual and automatic. Your unconscious mind takes over, leaving your conscious mind free for something else.

So for drivers, consider the stage of conscious incompetence, when you had to focus your attention on all the detail. When you drive now, is it not possible you are able to drive, talk and listen to radio all at the same time? Your unconscious mind is on automatic. Have you ever driven from A to B, and you can’t remember the journey.

Okay, why am I sharing this with you.

Give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack.

If you are new to all this personal development melarkey, your brain needs a settling in period, it needs to create the new routes. Your always gaining, even if you feel it’s slow: it’s happening, you may not be aware on a conscious (the hear and now) of it taking place!

Stage 5: Mastery

Ever watched a ‘master’ at work? This is stage is beyond Stage 4, it’s the ‘flow’ state. Beautiful to watch.

Goal Setting and Timescales

January 23 Dawn

Don’t Let Time Freak You Out

Setting timescales can be extremely motivating for some, or feel like a heavy cloud looming in the distance for others.

Setting a deadline can inspire, help you stay focused and ensure that you are taking action, staying committed, working smart and deliberately leaping over obstacles and barriers in your way.

Or, you could get freaked out, because things aren’t going to plan, it’s not happening quick enough, or you’re going to miss the timescale and not have achieved what you set out to do.

Realistic Expectations

When we set out on a goal, we usually have very high expecations of what we are going to have completed by a certain time.

However some us fall into the ‘too high expectations’ category. There is nothing wrong at all with setting goals that require you to push yourself. The problems can arise when you set the goal too high for where you are currently at.

That’s not an invitation to set them too low, you’ll get bored and not be motivated.

Your goals remember should be out of reach, but not out of sight.

Our expectations get us into trouble more often than we’d like to admit. If we expect something to go well and it doesn’t, we feel angry and disappointed. If we expect results by a certain date and it doesn’t happen due to circumstances beyond our control, we can lose all hope and give up because it seems futile to continue. I’m sure you’ve experienced situations like these before – most of us have.

While it’s favorable to set a timeline for completion of your goal, may I suggest you don’t become emotionally attached to the time?

I mean don’t get hooked on the idea of certain things happening at a certain time – especially if those “things” are largely out of your control.

Instead, focus more on your actions than the results. Set a timeline for completion of each of your actions, rather than the results you see from your action steps.

Also, be sure not to set unrealistic timelines.

Don’t create more stress for yourself by taking on a massive project and expecting to complete it within a few days. Moderate, consistent actions will be more effective than getting burned out.