Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

All blog post Moxie Living

So, Are You A Genius? Oh, You SOOOO Are!

What’s a genius anyway?

How do you know you aren’t one?

I think…

Thinking independently, is genius
Being gentle to yourself, is genius
Giving back, is genius
Saying I love you, is genius
Comforting a child, is genius
Admitting your weaknesses, is genius
Doing something about them is remarkable and genius
Caring for a loved one, is genius
Empathy, is genius
Being willing to learn and grow, is genius
Laughing over spilt milk, is genius
Persistence, is genius
Starting and not waiting, is genius
Genius is realising that if it isn’t working, having the conviction to change it.
Accepting and giving love, that is genius
Allowing yourself to ‘be’, that is genius
Letting go of the past, is genius
Confronting and overcoming fears, is genius
Standing up for injustice,  is genius.

Would you like to add to the ‘what is genius’  list? Feel free!

Genuinely, Are You Authentic?

“The authentic self is the soul made visable” Sarah Ban Breathnach

Do you remember cabbage patch kids? They gave me the creeps!

What about one those annoying little Furbys?

Are you the proud owner of a Steiff Teddy bear?

And if you do have the  The Real McKoy (that’s Scottish-ness for the genuine article) version lurking in your attic, you’ll also have their Certificate of Authentication.

That’s the proof that they aren’t fake: rip offs, a sorry second on the real version, cloned alternatives, probably sold from the back of lorry.

But dodgy looking dollies, and annoying freaky furballs aside…

What Does Authenticity Mean to You?

Is it any of these?

  • ‘Be yourself’
  • ‘Be true to who you are’
  • ‘Sit in alignment with what you believe’
  • ”Be honest’
  • ‘Stand out’
  • ‘Own your own voice’

Authenticity has become a big word recently, especially in business.

Authentic simple means not fake.

Genuine.

Congruent: who you say you are, is what you are, what you are on the outside, is who you are on the inside.

To be true to who you are, not a copycat, or second rate version of someone else.

And I think, although the word is well said, the behaviour of the word isn’t, and I’m guilty as charged!

But I’ll get to that in a minute.

Why Is Authenticity Hard-ish?

I believe, it’s not because we can’t do it, but because it feels incredibly vulnerable and my second opinion is the word has been mucked about with too much.

It can be scary, frightening even, to ‘just be yourself!’

In business, to ‘just be yourself’ people may turn away not liking what they see. Deep down we may not want to share those inner and hidden parts of us that are reserved for the people that know us well. Hence it being vulnerable.

We may choose to hide behind websites, smart words, blogs and logos.

In my personal life, authenticity is a core value, and it is in business as well, but for some reason the early years of self employment it was a real struggle.

And if you can relate, that doesn’t sit well, does it?

You see if I had stuck with the core value, all would have been well. Sadly, I confused it all.

A few examples:

  • Updating my personal profile on facebook, easy. My business page, ages.
  • Using ‘we’ on a website, when it’s just me. Why? To appear and seem bigger?
  • Personal profile picture: airbrushed and professional looking for business and the real me on Facebook personal page.
  • Playing it ‘safe’ so as not to risk offending anybody.
  • Watching how others did ‘stuff’ and trying (and failing miserably) to replicate it in my business.
  • Lurking! Not taking part, just watching from the sidelines.

I did deliver what I said and promised, it’s the ‘soul made visable‘ part I’ve tussled with.

Faker You’re Spotted

When I was little my folks used to (I think) shop regularly at the ‘Fallen Off The Back of The Lorry’ department store!

This isn’t a sob story, just fact.

I knew no different, not until they broke. Or they were removed from me because of the lethal parts popping out. They only lasted so long before they fell to pieces. Although they were good copies, they still never looked or behaved the same as the ones that were original.

Does he need an introduction?

I’m not saying here that you must buy the best of stuff for your children (or risk a trip in a police car). This is just a metaphor. In fact, I only ever remember one toy from childhood, Mr Potato Head, he rocked and he was a cheap as chips, sorry!

Anyway, the metaphor.

We can only ‘be’ and ‘act’ in accordance to our own beliefs. We can’t maintain what we aren’t.

People begin to mistrust. People are smart, really smart. Can spot a faker a mile away. They shut down, shut you out, turn you off.

Is it not better to be turned off for being yourself, rather than turned off for what you aren’t?

I’d say yes. And it wasn’t until that penny dropped did authenticity in my business become easier. But this isn’t just for business it applies to all areas of life.

7 Ways to Earn Your Own Certificate of Authenticity

1. Go Back to Roots: Write down who you are and what you truly believe in. What are your core values? What will you tolerate and not tolerate? What’s your negotiables and non-negotiables? What will you do if they are crossed?

2. Where Have You Veered? It’s okay if you have, you can undo.What are you currently doing that ‘does not sit well with you’? Why are you doing it? What results are you hoping to achieve? Can you get the same result by being you?

3. The Real You. What do you stand for? What are the parts of you that you keep hidden? You don’t need to share it all, but with what you are hiding if anything, what’s your reason?

4. Why? Why do you think you have mistrusted your own self? What are you afraid that others may find out you? What do you fear might happen if you took the plunge?

5. Commitment. Promise yourself that no matter the challenge, the fear, the possible outcome that you will only ever be true to yourself. What does that mean? Stop copying (model is acceptable) others.

Easy to say, hard to acknowledge is the saying ‘the most intimate relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves’. Commit to getting intimate. That means, loving all of you. Getting cosy with the good and not so good. What your struggling with, so are others!

6. Congruence. You are what you say you are. Accept that not everyone will ‘like’ what they see about you, it really doesn’t matter. Life truly isn’t a popularity contest.

7. Make a Promise. To yourself, nobody else. That you’ll never be the second rate version of someone else. That you’ll never try and copy another because you think there way (or them) is more valuable.

Final Thoughts

Authenticity is easy.

It’s our brains and fears that muck it up. Plus perhaps expecations from others. People will come and go, some will get you, some won’t. And it’s okay. You can’t appeal to everyone. But you can appeal to yourself.

Or, refuse to be authentic, sell youself up from the back of the lorry! Someone will buy you, but when they realise that they have bought into a fake I can pretty much guarantee they won’t purchase a second time.

Back to my original question…

Genuinely, are you authentic?

Have You Been Brainwashed?

Yep, you have.

So have I, and so has everyone else on our planet.

Beliefs and values have been instilled and conditioned in us since our childhood.

Fact.

I grew up in Scotland, and if you also grew up here we would probably share some similar beliefs such as: the weather is awful, the winters are harsh, we are a small nation with big heart, we have a serious issue with heart disease, and we’ll laugh about Scotland ever qualifying for the world cup!

But we’ll have our differences, for example:

I’m a vegetarian, which may give you a picture (based on your beliefs) of a long haired, pale-skinned, ‘hippy’ dressed, tree hugging individual, who seriously needs a good scrub with an antiseptic soap!

You may say to me you ‘work in the city‘, I may picture (based on my beliefs) a well suited, high powered, harsh, cold individual, drinking over prices lattes and credit cards maxed out. (I don’t, that’s not my beliefs!)

You may tell me your a Christian, I may (based on my beliefs) raise my eyebrows, and think ‘God Squad’ and may think you lead a ‘safe’ and boring life. (Again, I don’t, just an example!)

I may tell you I don’t follow any religion, and you may think (based on your beliefs) that I’m doomed, lost, lead a life that is shameful and promiscuous.

Here’s The Problem

The statement ‘based on our beliefs’.

Our beliefs are not the absolute truth.

It takes a brave and very courageous person to ask of themselves ‘is this belief true’ or ‘am I seeing all there is’?

Because the answer may indeed turn a world and life upside down.

And sometimes all it takes is to change a belief is exposing yourself to an alternative.

e.g. If you came from New York and the only experience you had of Scotland was parades, bag pipes and haggis, ginger hair, beer swirling, whisky drinking, kilted ‘och aye’ Scottish-ness, then automatically you would need to question your beliefs about Scotland based on one meeting with me.

So, life.

Yes, it’s easier to not question your beliefs.

It’s easier to go with the ‘norm’, accept the rules, groupthinking and ‘hand-me-down values’ from others.

No carts are overturned and nobody gets hurt.

But easy does not mean best.

Is not to question, to remain asleep?

To remain closed to thousands of other possibilities?

No doubt, my line of work is to help individuals identify what areas of their life aren’t working, identify the beliefs around the area and then to ask the right questions to open up alternatives.

And there probably will be a period of ‘waking up’.

A time when a you perhaps struggle with letting an old belief go, a time of remorse, a realisation of so much time wasted, or perhaps regret, guilt and blame.

But these pass.

The beauty of beliefs: when you question and breakthrough an old, limiting and self sabotaging belief (or brainwash) from the past…you cannot go back to the old belief.

Can We Learn Empathy? Teach It?

 We all say empathy is being able to put ourselves in anothers shoes, but do we?

Walk a Mile In These Shoes?

A simple definition (I think), for having the actual ability, motivation, and desire to see, feel, understand and perceive the world through the eyes of a fellow human being.

A little share…

Yesterday I met a close friend who on Saturday had to put their animal companion of 16 years to sleep.

If you’ve been there, you know how devastating and painful this decision is, (we all know how pets wash our souls with unconditional love and touch parts of us we never knew were empty, yes, been there too).

Their boss however doesn’t understand why they are so upset, or why my friend needs to take a couple of days out of work, it was ‘just a dog’.

Are they completely unconscious and unaware of the grief that is attached to my friends experience, do they really believe ‘getting back to work, will help them get over it quicker’.

That example is just a metaphor.

I’m not judging their boss, I’m just considering their empathy.

In writing this post I came across an article by John Marshalls Edwards The Empathy Paradox, which led me to watch his talk “The Global Urgency of Everyday Empathy” on Ted Talks, if you have time, please watch, it’s good.

The opening line to The Empathy Paradox (and the premise of his talk is) “I passionately argued that era of empathy is now upon us.”

And I agree with him.

I don’t know about you, but I hadn’t even heard of the word empathy in my childhood. Sympathy yes, but the two are not the same.

Can empathy be taught?

We can teach the theory and definition sure, but is it a skill that can actually be learned?

How would the world be different if we all showed more empathy?

Us humans, (unlike other animals) can look in a mirror and recognise ourselves, it’s at this point (around 3/4 years) when our ability to be empathic emerges. We learn that we’re an individual, that we aren’t all the same, that we are unique and different.

Empathy is about paying attention to another human being, giving them our focus and asking ‘what are they feeling?‘, ‘why are the feeling this way?’ and making a commitment to understanding what is happening in their world.

Unlike sympathy, empathy doesn’t require you ‘step into’ their world and feel what they are feeling.

Unlike sympathy, empathy doesn’t require that you have the same values and beliefs, it only ask s that you try to understand from another perspective.

If we all empathised more, I wonder what would happen? What kind of world would we be living in?

  • Less conflict?
  • Better relationships?
  • More effective communication?
  • Greater trust?
  • Deeper compassion?

How can we develop our empathic skills?

Pay attention. Recognise that all the feelings you have are present in another human being.

Acknowledgement (without sympathy). Validate what the person is feeling i.e. ‘I can see your really angry’ or ‘I can feel that you are incredibly upset’.

We’re all in this together. ‘This’ being living and life. Compassion is free.

Stay motivated. During a day we probably come into contact with hundreds of people: from family to friends to workmates to the person serving us at the supermarket. Be present at each social interaction. You don’t tire being empathic, but sympathetic, yes.

Share. Ask people to ‘tell you more’.

How do you feel when someone shows you empathy as opposed to sympathy?

Photo Credit: Katerha on Flikr (many thanks)

How Do You Feel?

Asking a person ‘How do you feel?’, touches just the surface.

Feelings are what hurt a person, and as human beings we are drawn to a persons pain, hoping that we can fix or repair it.

However, feelings are never the root or cause of a problem.

The ‘problem’ has come from how a person has perceived, recorded, paid attention to an experience or event (plus a lot of other brain functioning!)

If a person is in ‘pain’ caused by the feelings, here’s some alternative questions to ask

  • ‘how do you see the world?’
  • ‘how do you perceive the problem?’
  • ‘how do you know, you feel this way?’

Practice them on yourself the next time you say ‘I feel…’, follow it with ‘how do I know?’

Much deeper.

These questions can really get to the core of an individuals perceptions and beliefs, and allows them the opportunity to understand more of who they really are, and the ‘truth’.

Plus, if you ‘use on you’, don’t surprised if you can’t find any evidence to back up the feeling! Or if what you think you’re feeling, isn’t actually the feeling that is being felt!

Photo Credit Jon Hayes (flikr)

Assertiveness – What Is It?

To some, when assertiveness or ‘asserting yourself’ is mentioned it conjures up a lot of negativity, simply because assertiveness (positive) is confused with aggression, it is not the same.

What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is a way of behaving.

It is communicating confidently to others about your want, needs and feelings. It’s not about being aggressive or abusive, manipulative, or passive. It is loving empowerment, not abusing power. Having your human rights met without taking anyone else’s away.

Assertiveness by Definition

Assertiveness is a behaviour that expresses the person’s feelings, attitudes, wishes, opinions or rights with directness and honesty. It encompasses respect for the feeling, attitudes, wishes, opinions or rights of the other person.

Testing Your Own Assertiveness

How do you know if you lack assertiveness? Below are a few questions for you, answer yes or no:

  • Are you able to say no to unreasonable requests made of you? How do you feel when demands are placed on you that you feel are unjust and unfair?
  • Do you feel guilty when you change your mind?
  • Do you believe you are a confident, valued and worthy human being?
  • Can you handle difficult, awkward and conflict situations?
  • Do you feel awkward with silences?
  • Do people ‘hear’ you not just listen to you?
  • Do you feel awful if you make mistakes?
  • Do you have the confidence to ask people to repeat what they have said?
  • Can you communicate clearly your wants, needs, and feelings?
  • Can you persist to adovate your own and others rights?
  • Do you let others ‘put’ you down, and walk all over you?
  • Are you able to say exactly what you feel without any backlash?

Obviously if you answered yes to all the questions above, you are assertiveness. If you answered no to the majority, then perhaps a missing lesson for you is assertiveness.

Here’s The Good News

Assertiveness can be learned. It’s a skill once mastered last a lifetime. Yes, the ‘skills’ require practice and to fully use you may need to work on confidence and self esteem first.

Assertiveness Rights

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Photo Credit Me’nthedogs (thank you)