Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

After being told off by mum one day, I stormed out the house almost taking the door off its hinges when I slammed it behind me, thudded up the garden and then I turned around and gave her the two-fingered salute. I didn’t know the impact of the hand signal (I was 7 or 8), but needless to say, I had an audience, she saw it, then she moved like a tornado after me. She went all Olympic runner, caught me, and I got hauled back inside for another rollicking.

From that day, there was always this little niggle that whatever I got up to, the parentals would be there, like they had invisibility cloaks or some other weird and wonderful magic ability. Ready to judge, comment, raise an eyebrow and ‘tut’, nicknamed ‘The Watchers’.

Then, when I became an adult and moved far enough away to not be ‘caught’, I substituted the parentals for other people.

Constantly I would be wondering and worrying about the audience: a generic term because I couldn’t even tell you who they were, I don’t have their names. I would hold back just in case I was making a mistake or worried about how my behaviour would be viewed in their eyes. I would join in when I wanted to separate, laugh because the audience was laughing even though I didn’t find it funny, I would be nice so as not to be hated. Recite the script that I didn’t write or believe in. Stay seated, even when I wanted to stand.

We think others are watching and judging us, more often than not we are watching and judging ourselves.

As you work on your goals in your life, and whenever you hear the words in your head, ‘What will people think?’

Ask yourself: which people specifically? Or have you got an imaginary group of Watchers, throwbacks from the growing up years? Journal the hell out that baby! Seriously. Nobody is watching you, they have there own battles going on.

You want change. It has to be different. Life. Whether it’s an internal problem or an outward condition you’ve reached the stage where the old way must be gripped, released, put down, left behind. But why is change so darned hard at times?

Imagine you have been viewing your life through the bottom of a thick glass your entire life. It hasn’t blocked anything out but it has been distorted, unclear and not giving you an accurate representation of what’s really there. You’ve lived with it. It’s what you know. You’ve become used to not seeing the whole picture.

Now, imagine that someone who loves and cares for you comes along and tells you that you don’t have to use the glass to see through any more. You can put it down and if you do you’ll be able to see with more clarity and have a better perception of all and everything. They tell you that others before you have laid down the glass and they are struggling less. Life has become easier because of the simple fact they can see clearly where they are going.

Would you put down the glass?

Even though you’ve been carrying it your whole life and you don’t know anything else yet?

Would you resist? Would you ask your friends a heap of questions first, just to make sure you were doing the ‘right’ thing? Would you ask for proof and evidence that the ones who have removed the glass are happier and more at peace? Would you be worried that if you removed your glass you would be open and vulnerable, and want to be sure that if you didn’t like the new way you could return to the old? Just in case, right?

Change isn’t always easy because you are so used to the way things are. Even the parts of your life that you know cause you upset, pain, struggle, anger and frustration aren’t always easy to change because it doesn’t matter how ‘awful’ or ‘bad’ it is, we have to be getting something (positive) from the pain and upset otherwise we would have changed already.

When you dare to remove the glass, to put it down and see the (your) world as it really is it may be a shock, it may not be the way you want it yet. The picture is all new, you are back at the beginning again. It’s okay, really. From a glass put-er-downer. You’ll be okay.

Try these journal prompts. Try them. Who knows?

I wrote once in Facebook, ‘You can always trust yourself’.

Someone replied, ‘No, sorry, I disagree, the state of my life tells me that is simple not true’. 

I wrote once in a blog post,’Watch your words. They become your reality. 

Someone replied, ‘What a pile of old baloney watching my words will not help me change my life. My life sucks. F*cking self-help p*ss!’ 

I wrote in an email, ‘We can all do what we love to do.’

Someone once replied, ‘No, we certainly cannot, the entire world is in a terrible mess, and some of us have to work’.

My point is this, when you start to open your mouths and speak not everyone will want to hear what you have to say (this is a good thing), not everyone wants to listen to what you’re saying (this is a good thing), not everyone will side with your view and map of the world (this is a good thing).

You still must own your voice.

My next point is this, when you start to put the time into yourself, when you open your hearts and create not everyone will like, approve or acknowledge what you are up to. Not everyone will understand, everyone will not be waving sparkly pompoms and high five-ing you on. Not everyone will ‘witness’ you.

Some people will enjoy giving you unsolicited feedback at how well you are not doing in their eyes: why you stink, how they would do it better, tell you where (they think) you are flawed… according to their map of the world, their standards, their opinions, their views, their experiences.

Some of these will wash across you.

Some of them won’t.

But you knew that right?

Feelings will rise. Doubts will drive in. Fear will appear, Confidence will be wavered. Worth will be dwindled. Esteem dented. Maybe.

But.

Inside you. Inside me.

It’s the quiet place where others opinions can’t be heard, they are drowned out by your own truth and love for yourself to make your experience matter.

It’s where you trade getting sucked into others telling you who you are, what you are like, what you should be doing to the booming voice that whispers to you, ‘You can do this. You know you can. Now. Is. The. Time’. It’s where you are free, not imprisoned by steel walls of fear.

It’s a tranquil and calm place where no doubt exists, where you swap feeling scared, doubtful and vulnerable to declaring with your whole self, ‘This is my life, and I will live as the best version of me’.

It’s an oasis of peace. It’s where you trade in worry, what-if, I can’t, this is too hard, I’m letting myself down for, ‘Screw it, I’m here now’.

Go there.

I’ve lost my voice. Apparently. According to me. I’ve been looking for it. Not for want of trying to ‘find it’. When I temporarily ‘shut the window’ to Living Moxie, I didn’t think what once (this site, my business, courses, people, clients) I poured my heart and soul into for (gasp 10 years) would take me 3 years to return. I really didn’t. I feel I should have written you a letter ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ type thing. But I didn’t. And I am so sorry for that, I had my own shit happening, and it became priority.

Here we are. 2017 – has become 2020 (and this has been a really good year if you’re a virus, the rest of us are pretty screwed up!). 3 years! Fuck! 3 years. Wow. And the thing is, those 3 years have felt like 3 months, 3 weeks!

On Voice Losing

It all started with me knowing I needed to make massive changes in my life, and the first goal (read: emotional and physical necessity) to achieving this was getting a J.O.A.B – shock horror – yes I know, a proper, grown up, regular money in your bank account each month job type thing. No more hustling, marketing, networking, selling, worrying if the money would be there each month. It. Had. To. Be There. Otherwise I would be stuck in the situation I had created for myself. And, I don’t know how long I could’ve lived that life.

So, I took up the position of Manager at a Social Enterprise that was going down the tubes financially. If you ever have walked into a role with the gut feeling it’s going to go ‘tits up’ you are probably right. Loved it. Sadly, it had always lost (wasted) money and was reliant on funding for y-e-a-r-s. Loads of stories from that experience, but that’s for another time, in short, social enterprise is business just a different bottom line.

From there I became (and still am) the Trust Manager for a development trust. I love it. Oh, does that mean Living Moxie is now my ‘side hustle’? How exciting, I have never had a side hustle! Maybe, perhaps. The current gig has been um, well, eventful, never a dull moment and it continues. Whoever thinks charity work is all fairy and lights with hugs a plenty is seriously out of touch. It’s been a ‘friggin nightmare from start to now. But still. The team. The cause. The community. They made it/make it all worth it.

I would be mega disappointed if after 3 years I haven’t learnt a darned thing. The past three years have been Planet Shit Storm professional and personally. I talk values all the time. It’s been like someone has been saying, ‘Come on the Barclay, how much do you believe in what you say you do, wanna test it, have this … storm-o-shit, and another, and another, and another!’

When I do find my voice again, I think I will have a few lessons to share, so here we go, it might help you, it might not:

When I Find My Voice Again Lesson 1:

I will open the chest – and encourage you to also – as if it’s been a lost treasure: valuable, full of nuggets, shiny, been kept safe in a locked box. Who knows what I placed there, what you’ve placed in yours. Who cares what I take out to keep, and leave in for another few years? It has to be full of new ideas and missing pieces. Surely?

When I Find My Voice Again Lesson 2:

I accept the fact (and you may want to also) that I may say ‘oh, that’s where you’ve been, I’ve been looking for you’ and you/me have to make a choice. A decision. You/me have to choose if what you/me find is actually what you/me want to say now. Is this ‘voice’ you thought you had lost actually the one you want find and keep, now? Maybe it’s not that voice you have been looking for, maybe your voice has changed and you are ready to tell a different tale. I am. I so am. No idea how, but that doesn’t matter. I will find a way, so will you.

When I Find My Voice Again Lesson 3:

Voice (to me) is about authenticity. It’s all about saying what you feel and owning what you say. It’s not a shoddy attempt at copying ‘their voice’, it doesn’t choke, hold back, stutter, take time for a throat clearing. It’s unique. It will piss some off, others will love it. It’s shaking at the part ‘speak you truth, even if your voice shakes’, maybe crying, perhaps a shivering bottom lip.

Now I Have Found My Voice Again

I won’t stop what wants to come out to help you because I fear there may be repercussions, judgement, raised eyebrows or tut-tutting, neither should you when you find yours. It’s your voice. You can only say what you want to say. Assuming you aren’t out to hurt or damage anyone and stuff needs to be said, I want to help you say it. Values. Your core. I know I harp on about them so much, But you know when you aren’t living yours. You know it. So did I. And that, dear friend, will, if you are steering away from them hurt you so badly over everything else. No job, relationships, other human has the right to trample all over your core and gag you to shut up.

I want you to know. Really know. Really really know. That it doesn’t matter how shit life may be right now: that you could be in the worst living environment, relationship, job, no control over experience – life can (and does, it really fucking does) change in a moment. You have to decide on what you want, picture and feel that shit (as if your life depended on it, and it does depend on it).

You have to speak up, even when you feel you aren’t being heard. You may be shouting at mountains, and words echoing back to you. Fuck it. Say them anyway. Never ever stay silent when you are required to speak up: on behalf of yourself and of others who aren’t even invited at the table to contribute. Speak for them (with their permission of course).

I want to help you to not sit down, hold back, or play it safe for the fear of upsetting anyone who is using fear, bullying, gaslighting, abuse, status or words to confuse you out of what is your truth.  All these are unacceptable. End of. No debate. End.

I want to help you to use the word sorry for when it is meant not at the start and end a sentence.

There’s more, but for now, I am getting my voice back. In the meantime, as I spring clean around here and get my shit together download this, it’s not the definitive guide to getting your shit together, but it’s a good start.

Lots of love,

Dawn

P.S. I promised myself that Unfolding would be updated from 2020 into 2021. It is. I wanted to updated the words but ‘work’ meant I couldn’t/didn’t have the time. But. Here we go. If you want to unfold any year, (pandemic or not, this will help). Lots of love. Dawn xxx