Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

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Paying Attention. Why Do We Only See What We Want to See?

April 16 Dawn

Human brains have a very short attention span.

Unless it’s novel, pleasurable or ensures your survival the chances are you won’t pay much attention to it.

That Inbox of problems you have to deal with? It’s no surprise it scares you half to death when you become aware of it.

What are you paying attention to now?

I bet it won’t just be the words that are here.

Have you already scrolled down and up the page to find some more of those novel optical illusions?

If I’m lucky, you’ll scan a few sentences, you may spot the spelling mistooks, you might read the last paragraph: just so you have closure.

If you want to skip to the last paragraph feel free, I won’t mind, I’d totally understand you can’t help it.

One way I could hold your attention is to instruct you on what to do, such as:

“Read every word here on this page, it will ensure you a lifetime of happiness”

It won’t, but the promise of pleasure like a lifetime of happiness may grab your attention!

Have you ever read messages like these?

‘These Seven Never Before Revealed Secrets Saved This Man Thousands ‘

If you’re in debt, your brain will probably notice that one.

Here’s another: ‘This Woman Lost 35lbs in Two Months, Without Dieting‘

If you’re overweight and hate dieting, yep, you would probably pay attention to that.

Or ‘Business Owners: How to Triple Your Clients Overnight for FREE’

If you’re a business owner with no clients and skint, odds are pretty high that will get through.

Here’s one that grabbed my attention when I was supposed to be focusing on writing this post:

‘We Need Cake Eaters!’

Being a passionate lover of all-things-cake-like, I read!

See how easy it is to be distracted?

All of the above are novel: secrets, without dieting, overnight, cake eaters!

They are also pleasurable: thousands, triple, lost, free, cake!

Are the first three messages true?

Who knows. To the marketers, they just wanted our attention.

Try this: The next time you read a newspaper, open Facebook, watch the news, click on a tweet or ask for advice: wake up, observe yourself, pay attention to what gets your attention.

I bet it’s either novel, pleasurable or to do with your survival.

Is This You?

One way I could hold your attention is to ask you a few questions:

Have you ever had to rewind a film because you lost the thread?
Have you ever had to flick back a few chapters of a book because you don’t remember the plot?
Ever driven from here to there and have no recollection of the journey?

Maybe you answered, ‘Yes! That’s me.’ In which case, I may have the pleasure of your attention for a little longer.

If you answered no, then I better do something else to keep it.

Time for a story?

Once Upon a Time…

There was once a man who was being chased by a ferocious tiger across a field.

At the edge of the field there was a cliff.

In order to escape the jaws of the tiger, the man caught hold of a vine and swung himself over the edge of the cliff.

Dangling down, he saw, to his dismay, there were more tigers on the ground below him! And, furthermore, two little mice were gnawing on the vine to which he clung. He knew that at any moment he would fall to certain death.

That’s when he noticed a wild strawberry growing on the cliff wall. Clutching the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other and put it in his mouth.

He never before realized how sweet a strawberry could taste.

Get it?

Do you know what you pay attention to?

Here’s the good (and bad) news: you don’t have to pay attention to everything, your brain has a wonderful little involuntarily regulating system (filter) that does it for you, it’s called your reticular activating system (RAS for short).

In brief, as I’m no scientist, it’s your RAS that determines what events, situations, stimuli, content gets your attention (survival, novel, pleasurable.)

You may think you’re paying full attention, but your RAS is happily working away in the background, I’m sure you aren’t paying much attention to the seat you’re sitting on, the wall behind you, or the noise from the street, are you?

What noise?

Precisely. You aren’t aware of it. Or are you now?

If everything were to get through the filter, you would be overwhelmed by all the information that hits your senses.

You think that’s good news, right?

Well, in terms of overwhelming, heck yes. But without all the information, how can we make the best choices and decisions that we have the potential to.

We think we don’t have any answers to the problems we face.

What if they are there, staring us in the face but because of what we have chosen to let in and leave out we just aren’t ‘seeing’ them.

You’ll ‘see’ the information that fits with how you see the world, confirming to you that your view is correct.

You’ll ‘see’ the information that matches who you think you are, to confirm that you are who you think you are.

You’ll ‘see’ messages that will conform to your own belief and value system.

Why do we only ‘see’ what we want to see?

Imagine you are sending a text message and crossing a really busy street at the same time, a bus is heading straight towards you (assuming you had no intention to be run over), your RAS is automatically on the case (okay, ‘on the case’ isn’t the scientific term, but hey I’m not a scientist.)

Survival!

Filters open, your perception kicks in, your brain notices the bus and observes the speed, the sight, the sound, the smells. Instinctively your neurons fire up, your brain knows that a bus heading at speed towards you is not good (based on all the information you have previously gathered in your life.) You’re flooded with information.

Your cognition allows you to evaluate your perception (the information you perceived) and make a decision on what you should do.

You would then take action in accordance to what you perceive and what decision your cognition made.

Jump or stay.

Thank your RAS (perception, cognition, and action) and hope that you have enough clock time to get out the way.

What does it mean?

How does this information apply to your life, all this is interesting but how can you take it and make sense of it, so you create the changes that you want to make?

For that, I have to hold your attention and give you some examples and hopefully one of the following examples below will get through your RAS.

Let’s assume you hate your job and you want a new one.

You believe (based on perceptions), to make this happen you have to complete a lot of exercises that you don’t find pleasurable or novel: CV’s job search, application forms.

You perceive (based on your past experiences or conditioning from others) that this is boring work, it’s hard, it’s difficult and time-consuming.

Your brain seeks pleasure, so instead of doing the work to get your new job your cognition evaluates and decides you would be better doing something that is pleasurable. So you take action, switch on the TV and watch a repeat of CSI.

Or let’s assume you want to lose weight.

You pay attention to the clothes that don’t fit, the feeling of shame when trying on clothes in shops (that moment when you struggle to get them off without falling through the changing room curtain.) You decide that you are going on a diet.

Your brain freaks out, it remembers the last time you starved yourself: you ate beans and soya milk for a month.

It was so unpleasant. You hated it. You were miserable and hungry. So your brain automatically thinks ‘we can’t survive this’ – it can’t help it, you taught it dieting was a chore. Instead of finding some brilliant recipes that are great to cook, that doesn’t leave you feeling hungry or miserable. You begin the process of torturing yourself.

Pretty soon your brain takes over. You perceive that this diet is like the rest, your cognition evaluates and says ‘this isn’t worth it’ and reminds you that ‘you only live once and should eat what you want’. Before you know it a packet of crisps have been eaten, a cake and you’ve assed an entire packet of ginger nuts.

What are you struggling with?

Ginger nuts? Oh, no that’s me!

Let’s assume you know what areas of your life aren’t working.

For long lasting change and effect, you may need to ‘see’ differently.

You may need to retrain your brain. You may need to let other information through the filters.

Easy? Not really.

Impossible? Heck no. Totally possible.

Challenging? Yes, in a good way, though, it can be fun.

Time-consuming? Maybe.

It’ll take loads of practice. Remember, your brain has a short attention span, it would be quite happy if you take the easiest route (way out?) and loves it when you ‘stay with what you know’.

1. Seek Truth

We only will ever see a fraction of what is actually available to us. Some see more, and some see less.

Why, though? That’s another post. However (from my experience) most people only see a fraction of their own potential because of their beliefs.

Answer: question your beliefs, observe them, pay attention to them.

All of them?

Yes, as they come up, one by one.

2. Self Image

You have accepted your current self-image as true. However, a self-image is like a mask, a veneer, a cover up to keep hidden the real you, your true identity.

If images aren’t real, then they can be changed.

Again, pay attention. What categories, boxes, labels, roles, status, programming is your mask?

These aren’t the whole truth.

When people say they have ‘lost themselves’ or want to ‘find themselves again’, it’s usually the removal of the layers that have been added to (sometimes for survival) over the years.

You aren’t lost, the real you is there, it hasn’t gone anywhere just merely tried to fit in and survive!

Wake up your full attention.

See what you are missing.

Your true self isn’t buried or hidden from you.

You don’t need to travel far to find it.

Be passionate. Keep walking. Remove the darn filters.

Deep? Is it buried deep the real me?

Some would say it is. Some say otherwise. But what do your beliefs say?

Quit looking for the symbols and signs that your image is ‘correct’, that you require external influences to confirm you are ‘okay’.

You are okay.

3. When I Change One Small Thing, Everything Changes

I believe that the one small thing is our beliefs. And I also believe that we can work on those every single moment of the day.

If we pay attention to our thoughts and what we say about our lives.

As soon as we make a statement about ‘this is the way my life is’, we can’t see any other information. Everything we perceive will be in alignment with these beliefs.

Grab yourself a piece of paper and try these:

What do I negatively believe about my life, career, business?
What ‘proof’ or ‘evidence’ have I accepted to confirm to me this belief is true?
What language do I use daily to keep the belief alive?
What do I positively believe about my life, career, business?
What ‘proof’ or ‘evidence’ have I accepted to confirm to me this belief is true?
What language do I use daily to keep the belief alive?
Who has confirmed it for me? What specifically did they say?
Whose opinions do I listen to? Are they accurate?
What do I believe? What’s my truth?
How can I remain true to myself, not what others expect of me?

And you’ve made it to the last paragraph! I have no idea if you will ever look at those questions.

Heck, you may have skipped the lot and just read this sentence!

Here’s a thought for you:

You’re in the process of making choices and decisions right this second.

Do you know who is making them?

Paying Attention. With So Many Things ‘Wrong’ Where Do You Start?

April 16 Dawn

payattention

Remember this?

“Right class 4b in order to find the right answer, you must stop fooling around and pay attention.”

Sitting in rows facing the authority figure towering above us, we were instructed not to drift off, zone out or spend time day dreaming (or doodle!) If we shut up, stay quiet, ignore distractions and use laser focus, then we will be able to work out all the problems in front of us.

Sounds simple enough, right?

Now that you’re an adult, what if paying attention to the problems scares you half to death?

Huh?

Let’s assume you find it easy to write and list all the parts of your life you’re struggling with.

From the career you hate to your relationships, no social life to feeling miserable, from your lack of finances to unacceptable living environment.

It feels like every single area of your life is on the list, all parts on a downward spiral and slipping out of your control.

Pay attention?!!

Where do you start?

When you attend to the list, you observe your life as an Inbox of problems: concerns, pains and a current reality that you don’t even remember creating.

“It seems our brain was designed to pay attention to sudden, dramatic changes and to simply ignore or monitor subtle differences, steady states, and gradual changes.” Robert Sylwester, author of How to Explain a Brain.

There are thousands of messages and subjects headings that haven’t been opened and read.

They’ve crept up on you.

Life wasn’t always like this!

The Inbox piles up, you ignore it, zone out and think, “I’ll get round to it, one day.”

One day becomes one week, one week becomes a month, one month becomes one year, one year becomes two.

Your Inbox happily piles up in your absence of attention.

You want to take back control.

So, in a moment of slight insanity, you open everything up in the Inbox.

You view every single area of your life, you flag a few areas that are really important, you put a mental star beside those that are urgent, you shuffle and rearrange trying to collate what you see into neat little boxes so you make sense of it.

“How, when, why did it all get this bad?”, you think. “I’ll never be able to sort this out.”

When you view the big picture, you’re scared. What if you never get a handle on it again?

Fear creeps in, so you close your Inbox down (again) and choose to leave it for yet another day: when the moment is right, when you feel stronger, when this and that has settled then you will have the courage to start properly.

More clock time passes, for the most part you’re able to ignore the Inbox.

If you refuse to look, it might just go away, right?

But it niggles you, wherever you go it’s hitching a ride.

The content of the Inbox is there when you wake, before you go to sleep, when you eat, when you work, leisure time, time with friends and family.

But still you refuse to pay attention.

You think, “What if you begin and are left feeling wide open, vulnerable, or have more questions than you have answers, or worse, what if you don’t have any answers?”

You find you get upset easily, some days you think you are going insane: one minute you can’t get out of bed and the next you explode at the slightest annoyance that in the past would not have phased you.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” you say to yourself.

You move from one intense emotion to the next in a matter of seconds.

You want some time, some breathing space, a mental break: a little respite so you can take the Inbox, go through it and deal with the messages: delete, save or action.

You’re not stupid, you know there is more to come, that box will never be empty, there will just be new information coming your way as clock time continues to move forward.

The fact that you have observed the Inbox at all, is fantastic news.

Might not feel like it. But it is.

The fact that you tried to tackle everything at once, is a great endeavour, very brave.

But in all my years working with people I don’t think I have ever met someone who successfully changed all areas of their life, all at the same time.

They worked to the premise, “When I change one small thing, everything changes.”

They stopped trying so hard to:

Fix it

Sort it

Mend it.

Tackle it

Repair it.

They stopped looking at the Inbox with the same thought that created it.

Or, as Einstein said “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

They taught themselves not to pay attention to the Inbox at all.

May I make a suggestion?

Start with paying attention to the outbox it doesn’t contain habits, perceptions and illusions.

How to Find Yourself Again: Please Wake Up

April 10 Dawn

To wake up and live consciously.

I’ll admit, I’m a little nervous hitting publish on this post. Partly because I’m about to tell you that you could be asleep, it’s not an insult. So am I.

The question I’ll ask you to ask yourself at the end of this post, is the question I ask myself…daily! And I don’t want to be the next mini dictatorship in your life, or false messenger, telling you what to think or what to believe.

These are my thoughts. My understanding, because it’s all I have, so have a read and think for yourself.

If you haven’t read the introduction to this post you can do that here.

Wake Up

If you find the courage to wake up, and question everything, to become fully aware of the real world around you, and the one within you, you not only will ‘find’ who you are, you’ll never fall back asleep.

That’s a massive claim for me to make.

In my experience it’s easy to get sucked back in and have a snooze.

But once you begin to ask, there is no turning back.

Are we asleep?

Filters up.

Head down.

Plodding.

Following the herd.

Some people accept jobs and enter careers, asleep.
Some people get married, asleep.
Some people have children, buy homes, move countries, asleep.
Some people cook, clean, drive cars, asleep.
Some people start businesses, asleep
Some people watch TV, asleep.

You might think that you cannot do any of these things asleep.

Have you ever said ‘what was I thinking?‘ to an event, experience, where you have no idea why you did what you did, said what you said, or behaved how you behaved?

I have.

= 100% asleep! On automatic, plodding along, running the software to others programs not my own.

… I wasted too much of my life not being me! I was afraid, I guess. You know how it is. You keep your head down and you hustle and hustle. Then you look up one day and wonder, “How did I get here?”

Most of us don’t know ‘how we got here’ because we’re in, what I’ll call, a Walking Coma due to the result of a lifetime of conditioning from the ‘fake’ messages assaulting and bombarding our senses, creating our perceptions and giving us perceived realities.

Then, for some, there comes that moment when you’re aware you’ve been sleeping, you wake up, even if it’s just for second to ask ‘who the f*ck am I?‘ or declare ‘I have no idea who the hell I am anymore!’

Scary time? You bet.

To realise that everything you thought about you is a lie, of course it’s scary.

To have no answer though, is beyond terrifying.

To go back to sleep, no!

It really is no surprise to me the majority of people are miserable, stuck, and unable to move in any direction.

We continually are waiting for the ‘instructions’ dealt out by others because we don’t trust our own.

For the majority of us we live in a permanent state of ‘fear’, worrying and concerning ourselves to distraction about what others think, if we’re being ‘normal’ enough, are we acceptable to the masses, are we acting in accordance to the rules set down by the herd?

From the Internet to television, newspapers to magazines, social pressures to group thinking, advertising to governments, coaches to goo-roos, systems to rules and regulations, soap operas to society, religions to peers and family all of them fight for your attention so that they can give you their script on how to run your life.

All consciously and planting subliminal messages saying:

This is who you are and this is how you should think

This is how you should look and this is what to wear.
This is success, this is failure.
Here are the strange and crazy people, here are the ‘normal’ ones.
This is what you should be fearful of, this is what’s safe for you.
This is normal society and behaviour, here are the misfits and losers
Here are the nasty people, here are the good ones
Here are the pillars of society, these are the freaks
Here are the beautiful people, here are the ugly ones
Here are the terrorists, here at the good guys
Here are the unsafe people, here are the safe ones
This is acceptable, this is non-acceptable

Is it any wonder you ‘feel’ lost?

Some churn out, we have 80,000 thoughts a day. I ask, how many of those are our own? Not the thoughts pieced together by the false messages above.

You want to ‘find yourself‘ right?

You want to know who you really are?

Then I believe the first step is to deconstruct and question everything you’ve been taught and led to believe about your life.

Unlearn. Then relearn.

And I believe, it could take you and I a lifetime.

You don’t need to put on a white gown, sit at the top of a mountain, not eat for 40 days and 40 nights, practice meditation, do yoga or eat only berries and you certainly don’t need to ‘go off and find yourself’ – nobody needs to physically go anywhere. The ‘real you’ isn’t out there, it’s not an external quest, it’s an inside job.

It’s not thousands of miles away. Wherever you are. That’s where you’ll find it.

It takes no special technique, you don’t need anything else, you have all you need.

When you wake up and finally realise that the vast majority of messages are fake, a con, an organised plan to keep you asleep, you can’t go back to the old you. (Again, my opinion, my experience.)

How can we wake up, if we have no idea we are asleep?

Ask yourself at every conscious opportunity:

Are these my own thoughts, or someone else’s for me?

Remember just that one, ask it daily, but here are some more:

Are these my own goals, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my own beliefs, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my own opinions, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my idea of success, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my concept of meaning, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my regrets, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my fears, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my dreams, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my own life blueprint, or someone else’s for me?
Is this the standard of my life, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my own rules, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my own path, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my passions, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my full potential, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my strategy, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my happiness, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my joy, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my story, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my knowledge, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my truth, or someone else’s for me?

History is full of examples of how easy it is to control, manipulate an individual (entire societies) on what to believe and what to think.

Wake up.

Question everything placed in front of you.

Try this: why not assume you’ve been asleep?

With the question ‘are these my own thoughts, or someone else’s for me?’ in your mind, answer these:

Who am I?
What am I?
Where am I?
What are my strenghts?
What are my achievements?
What path am I on right now?
Where do I want to be heading next?
What do I want my life to look like?
What are my goals, my values?
What would make me happy?
What does flourishing mean to me?
What will give meaning to my life?

Your Turn

What are you thinking? Is it your thoughts, or someone else’s for you? :-)

How to Find Yourself Again

April 10 Dawn

When did you last feel complete, whole, happy, brimming with joy, at peace, in full creative, sparkling go get’em working order, unstoppable, in the flow, flourishing, achieving, thriving and fuelled by passion and purpose?

Today, before lunch?

Yesterday?

Last week maybe?

Oh.

Should I cue the sounds of crickets as you try to hazard a guess?

Too long ago, you can’t remember?

Take Comfort: You Aren’t Alone

Ohhhhhh, you so aren’t.

The lovely people who sign up for the “Nearly a Newsletter”, all get asked: ‘What are you struggling with right now?’

Not everyone replies. From the ones who do, about 90% are one-liners (thank you for being brave and hitting reply) and the rest are essays.

They are passionate. Deep. Sometimes really funny and quirky. Sometimes I need to take a break to digest the story I’ve just read.

I ask people to ‘get off the starting blocks’, not to worry about creating a written masterpiece, but just to get their content or ‘story’ out.

Here’s the thing, the same replies keep coming up time and time again.

One line or an essay.

“I’m stuck. I’m lost. I have no idea who the hell I am anymore. I’m unsupported. Overwhelmed. I’m worried about what others will think. I’m scared I don’t have the time left. I’ve made so many mistakes, I can’t make any more”

People then go on to describe what they really want their life to be like.

They talk about their dreams and wishes for their future, but sometimes they introduce me to their family, their friends, their children, their community and the legacy they want to leave for them.

The most repeated reply is:

I want to find me again

For the most part, the writers describe a struggle, an adversity, an experience that has left them washed out of any sense of self.

And at first glance they do appear to know what they want their life to be, what they want life to mean to them, they do have answers.

Sure, they may not have the finer detail (strategy, plan, tools, some techniques, the focus) of how to make it happen, but for the time they are writing, they are remembering why they need to return to who they truly are.

Waiting for The Lights to Change

I get the feeling, when reading these replies, many people are waiting for the red light to switch to green.

The go ahead, the permission, the starter’s gun.

The visual I have in my head is a line of cars with people sitting in them, with one foot on the accelerator, ready to move, the other on the brake.

But they allow the lights to switch back and forth, unable to put their foot down.

Not because they don’t want to, but because they’re scared.

They sit, wait, hoping someone will get into the passenger seat and take the journey with them, to say ‘it’s okay, go create, do it, you’ll be just fine, we’re here, your supported, go do your great work.’

You know, to hear the words ‘It’s okay’, I believe is really powerful, to say them to ourselves? Priceless.

But I’m not naive, it’s not that easy when you feel you haven’t got a clue who you are anymore.

When you’ve lived a little, taken a few risks and they haven’t worked out the way you planned, it’s no surprise (to me anyway) we become wary, cautious and spend too long hanging out at the red lights.

The emails almost always end ‘How can I find me again, Dawn, can you help?’

My answer is yes and no.

Yes. I can give you my thoughts.

And no. I can only give you my thoughts.

I’m wary.

See, I don’t believe that any human being is ‘lost’. I also believe that ‘finding yourself’ isn’t a just a task carried out in times of chaos, uncertainty or when life isn’t playing the way you want it to.

It’s a constant conscious act. A continual questioning.

I think we’re easily distracted, because of our programming, and it’s too easy to be sucked back into, what I call, the ‘Walking Coma’.

I also know that I am not expert about your life.

I may give you an answer that in your eyes is a pile of hoohaa, or you may feel I have offended you in some way.

Or I may say a few things that fit with ‘your map of the world‘ and then (worse) you believe what I say is ‘the truth’.

I believe we follow the thoughts, opinions, ideas, beliefs belonging to others far too easily and it’s the biggest reason why we haven’t got a clue who the hell we are.

But I’m here, ready and willing to give it a go.

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? That Is The Question

April 3 Dawn

Here’s a question for you…should we always forgive?

Yes?

No?

Maybe?

Depends.

On what though?

The damage caused, the long term effect, the severity of the pain, the way in which the hurt was given out?

The reason I’m bringing this up is because of the pain, anger, hurt, bitterness, regret, shame, vulnerability, loss, grief, sadness caused at things that have past.

Recent email replies from nearly a newsletter subscribers have been:

“I can’t forgive my husband, he betrayed my trust. I’ll never trust anyone again. Only to be hurt.”

“I didn’t realise how cruel she was (mother). I’ll never forgive her, she ruined my entire childhood!”

“I know what I’m capable of, but everything time I begin, I can hear the voices of the bullies at school playing in my head telling me I’m just a loser.”

Self-help land asks the question ‘who do you blame?‘ has anyone ever asked you ‘who do you forgive?‘

No?

Nor me, never.

CS Lewis (Narnia, fawns and wardrobes fame) wrote: “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive”.

Lot of truth there.

How about this one instead?

“Forgiveness isn’t something we do for others, we do it for ourselves so we can get well and move on.”

Ah. More truth. Different take on forgiveness though.

I’ve settled on the second.

(Today, I’ve settled on the second. Hey! I’m human, a work in progress, oh, and I have a future to come, I may need to review it.)

You? Two very different paths, huh?

If you choose to forgive, what might happen?

If you choose not to forgive, what might happen?

Questions only you can answer.

What if you want to forgive but don’t know how?

Oh, who hasn’t been there! A few ideas for you…

1. Be Clear About The Pain

Know the detail. Be specific. We are very good at creating stories to protect ourselves.

2. No Fiction or Add-On’s

Have you ever noticed how memories can build and create pictures of events that didn’t happen? Stick to No 1, the facts only.

3. Feel + Express The Pain

Somewhere, with someone. If you can’t take the pain to source that had a hand to play in it’s creation, take it to someone who is equipped to help you feel it safely.

4. Forget to Remember

Do you play events over and over your head. Wishing you had said this, or done that. The event is over. Choose not to relive it. You may not be reliving the experience, but you are feeling the emotions — same damage.

5. If You Can’t Let Go (Yet), Let The Memory Die

That’s what it will become, just a memory. Refuse to play it. Try just saying to yourself ‘Right now, I choose not to think about that’. Remember No 3 though!

6. Forgive Yourself First

Can you? Are you able to forgive yourself? You don’t need to carry guilt. You can’t be judge and jury equally. Let go.

7. Blame

Refuse to blame others for the future you. You do have full accountability, ownership and control of how to feel now. (No 3!)

8. The Experience is Over

You can’t relive it. All that remains is memory and emotion. That you can control.

9. Love

Just that. To heal: love + self care, has to be the dominant picture. Extend love to the things even you don’t understand (tough one, but doable!)

10. Power of Freedom

You have no power in the past. You only have power to change this moment. It’s all a very simple matter of choices and simple decisions. The thought of reaching a decision may be painful, yet once made, it’s clear.

Freedom. Forgiveness. Letting Go. Holding On. Bitterness. Guilt. Anger. You get to choose.

Stop. How Are You Doing?

Let’s pause for a minute.

I’m just wanting to check in with you.

Where’s you’re head at right now?

At the place of ‘I wish it were that easy?’

Are you thinking:

‘I want to but can’t, the pain is too much’

‘I want them to pay for what they did’

‘I need to have justice, then I can move on’

‘I can’t forgive them for what they done, they took away…’

This is the point. I believe forgiveness is a personal decision.

One choice. You forgive or you don’t.

No half way measures. Forgiveness isn’t memory loss either ”I can forget, but I can’t forgive!’

I believe forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person(s), it’s an inner act. The person who has hurt you may never request for your forgiveness.

Here’s a Little Exercise For You To Try

It’ll take you about 10 minutes.

You’re going to give thanks to those who have hurt you.

Give thanks?!!

Yup.

But the pain.

Look, I know, I’ve had my own really crappy life events but try not shut down an idea before you give it a go. (Go back and read No 3, people are trained and highly experienced in helping others work through horrendous pain and past memories.)

Ready? Look, I’ll even go first so you don’t feel so vulnerable, okay?

Dawn, this is too weird.

No, this little exercise is every so purifying! (I was going to use cathartic, but that’s wrong, is it catharsis? You know, a purging. Anyway, I’ll look up the dictionary later and get on with this.)

By doing little exercises like these, they allow you to see situations and past events in a different light. Do it or don’t, you’re call.

You’ll need to record your thoughts. So get a pen, paper or slap your fingers across a keyboard.

List some people who have hurt you (stay safe, only work with what you can handle alone.) What did they do? What was the situation specifically?

Then who you are now, your values this minute and the way you live your life today, thank them for what they taught you and declare why you choose to (or not) forgive them.

As I Said I’ll Go First…

Arghhh! Vulnerable. Ah well. If I can’t do what I request others to do I’m a hypocrite. So here goes…

To the guy who bullied me for the first 4 years of high school. It was never true that ‘sticks and bones will break my bones but names will never hurt me’. They hurt. Your taunts, teasing and cruel words meant I spent 16 years on a diet.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience, I’m able to stand up and speak for and on behalf of others who are being bullied, belittled, mocked or ridiculed.

To my primary school teacher, who gave me the belt when I was 5, and humiliated me in front of my class, the day I halved the crayons. I was actually thinking ‘out the box’, there wasn’t enough red crayons to go round. Splitting them in two meant we could all take part.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience I learned that children need to be really listened to and always be protected from harm.

To the manager I worked alongside for one year. Your screaming, anger, pettiness, lack of compassion and back stabbing hurt an entire team, we feared you.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience you confirmed for me how I will lead.

To my ex, who took great pleasure in breaking my spirit, faith, confidence, self esteem and worth.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, it’s because of that experience I can communicate with women who are going through similar abuse. I am one strong, strong, woman.

To the guy in Secondary School. I know you and your mates found it funny that you said you meet me and take me to the club, when you had no intention to do so. When you told me ‘you wouldn’t been seen dead with me’ after I had travelled an hour to meet you, that experience made me feel like the ugliest person alive.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience I will work endlessly to make sure young women and girls (and boys) have high confidence and self esteem, and know they are worthy.

To my secondary school maths teacher, who’s class I detested for four years. You slapped heads with jotters, threw anything you could to a pupil who didn’t understand.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience I learned how to inspire others to grab a passion for life long learning even when they hated school.

Phew!

Your Turn/Thoughts/Comments/Opinions

Should we always forgive? Please leave a comment below. Let’s talk about forgiveness.

You may recall the hurt, but you will not relive it. No constant reviewing, no rehashing of the old hurt. No going back to the old gravestones where past grievances lie buried. True, the hornet of memory may fly again, but forgiveness has drawn it’s sting. The curse is gone. The memory is powerless to arose or anger. The past is the past. And nothing can alter the facts. What has happened, has happened forever. But the meaning can be changed. That is forgiveness. Augsburger

Monday Morning Pep Talks: The What I Really Need to Feel Whole and Alive List…

March 19 Dawn

This was in the ‘Nearly a Newsletter’ Not signed up? See that big box over on the right. You got it. Fill that in, and I’ll send a copy. (It’s suitable for dog lovers!)

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you! Dr Suess

(Don’t you dare roll your eyeballs! If ‘whole and alive’ is too woowoo and touchy-feely for you. Rename it: ‘Things I Must Have In Order to Stay Healthy’. Do what works for you.)

Breathe.

Ahhhhh! Good, huh?

Get a pen, paper, give yourself 10 minutes (go on I dare you!), grab a cuppa or a double brandy, whatever you decide.

I asked on Twitter ‘What do you need to do to stay healthy?‘

Replies came in: sleep, follow purpose, wine, space, time to think, exercise, read, other people, a good laugh, nice simple, easy things.

We’re going to write a list. 10 things. No big hardship. And you’re going to pin it to a wall and let them happen over the next month.

What do you really need to feel whole, healthy and alive?

What are the things that you know are good for you, you know make you feel healthier, happier and hotty (okay, maybe not the last one), but you don’t do enough of them.

The simple things.

The things that only you would know.

The things that if something happened to you, you would want people to know them so they could keep them up, ’cause they make you feel (clap your hands) h.a.p.p.y and in the flow.

Write them out.

In detail. Nobody is marking them. Nobody is judging them.

Get them out. You might get to three and think that’s it. Wrong. Ten. Ten. Ten.

Start them all ‘I feel alive when…’

Declare them, say them outloud (when nobody is listening of course.) Shouting ‘I feel alive when…’ 10x may get you a few stares.

Post them to a wall, a door, a fridge, your lover, dog, cat: anywhere you will see them on regular basis.

Complete all ten in the next month, and if you are able to, do the same next month.

Notice how simple they are. Are they wild and outrageous? Probably not. I bet they are small things that you know are good for you but you forget there importance, I’d take a guess that they are vital to your health, physical and emotional wellbeing, but have been put aside because you spend a lot of time forgetting about you.

Who? You! Me? Yes you!

Self care peeps.

Taking.

Care.

Of.

You.

Because you matter.

You do.

Your health matters. Your emotional well-being matters. You matter to other people. How can you expect to create a wildly passionate hot to trot it life, career or little biz if you aren’t looking after yourself.

It’s not selfish. Selfish is saying ‘I’m more important than you’, not ‘I’m important too’.

Get it? Go. List. 10 Things.