Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

All blog post Moxie Living

Come, Just As You Are + Gingernuts

A little warning: I haven’t become a foody-blogger! All will become clear…

Every day is one to celebrate, some days need a little more fanfare…

It’s National Gingernut Day! 

I believe it’s only fitting we take a second together, join virtual hands and be thankful for the lovable-dunkable-eat-a-packet-with-one-brew biscuit!

Hi, my name is Dawn, I’m a ginger.

A red-head.

A strawberry-blond.

Jealous? See, no matter how good the hair dye, ginger is a real toughie to replicate with ammonia, diaminobenzenes, phenylenediamines, resorcinol and phenols, it never looks natural!

Today I’m proud of my Ginger Roots (Roots, do you get it? Roots as in hair, roots as in belonging, a little word play there, clever me.)

Back in the days of bullying, whoops, I meant school I didn’t feel the same way about my golden lush lockets.

For years I got called:

  • Genghis Khan – did he actually have red hair?
  • Duracell – as in the battery, with the ‘copper’ coloured top. Funny. Not.
  • Orangu-turd – like an orangutan but with ‘turd’ on the end making out that peeps with ginger hair are poo-ey people.
  • Ginga Ninja – I quite liked that one, and I think that’s where the member of staff at Pixar/Disney, obviously a ginger themselves and after a few too many, got the idea for their new additon Brave. I’m even thinking they based it on me. I’m mean she’s Scottish too, just like me.
  • Ginger Minger – the worst. Minger being a Scottish word which means ‘you dirty lush’. But then again, said in a Scottish accent, it does have nice ring to it.
  • Shrek – which is a recent one I was personally called, that must be a new one for the ginger haired children today.
  • Fireman – yeah, my sides are splitting.
  • Ketchup Kipper – I got the ketchup part. But kipper ( a Scottish word for herring!) I didn’t get, unless I smelled of fish too. Which I didn’t.

…and a wheen of others and of course Ginger Nut, seeing how this is all flowing together nicely now?

Feck, I do realise that I have just created a reference sheet for bullies to call their Ginger classmates. Darn.

Anyhoo, for 20 years I tried to get rid and cover up the Ginger Minger. It’s been every shade of L’Oreal blond – no’s 22, 25, 42, 123, 171 to colour infinity.

It’s been hennaed, cut, bleached, permed and during my exploration of inner self years (read –> bumming about travelling in the US ) it was dreaded and braided.

And yet, here I am. Today. A Naked Ginger.

I want to say the colour of my hair isn’t important. But it was aged 5 – 16, this video sums it up:

 

Come, Just As You Are

Hair colour was one of the things that I wanted to change so that I could just fit in and be like everyone else, where I didn’t have to worry that I may be taken by surprise at words spat, sometimes from strangers.

What’s yours? Feel free to comment below.

What parts of you are you trying to cover up because you want to be accepted and fit in? What are you not saying (or writing, producing, creating) because you aren’t yet accepting your true colours?

Where in life are you conforming to the pressure of rules and expecations of others?

What do you want to share but are holding yourself back because playing it safe and not allowing people to see your ‘ginger hair’ is a safer route?

You can’t be every shade to please everyone. Hair-dye fades, it grows out, they aren’t ever permanent. When we pretend to be something we aren’t, the veil slowly slips, and it’s so tiring trying to keep it in place.

There’s no need to try and replicate anyone or anything.  What matters is what you are, not what you are called.

Come. You’re good enough. Just as you are.

And repeat after me. I’m dunkable!

 

 

 

PS: If you are scared to put the real you out there, remember to get your copy of Dare to Be You, just click the link.

 

 

When Someone Hates What You’ve Produced

dealing with criticismLet’s assume you have created a piece of work, and you put it out for the world to see: an idea, a plan, a blog post, a hobby project, a presentation.

Let’s say 500 people take a look at what you’ve done.

499 people like it: some praise you, some tell you it’s wonderful, some say nothing.

1 person hates it, and you plus your approach, then tells you publically. 

Who do you listen to the 499 or the 1?

Logically you know:

a) not everyone is going to like your work or what you do (or you).

b) not everyone is going to say ‘well done’.

c) 499 is really a fantastic result.

So why the hell does 1 person make more impact on you than the 499?

I’ve watched this happen to three people last week, and I’ve been there. They have let 1 person decide the value of their work.

Why this really bothers me.

Because I’ve seen too many people being utterly destroyed by folks who’s only remit is to belittle and destroy a person, and the ‘work’ or what they have produced is the easiest way they can begin the attack.

  • One comment can stop a person producing and creating.
  • One comment can stop a person working towards the career and work they dream about.
  • One comment can ruin a persons chances of every claiming back their confidence and self esteem.

If we don’t like something, fine, we can say so, that’s our right, but to rip an individual to shreds because what they’ve produced doesn’t fit with their view of the world (I think) is just wrong, what do you think?

If you’re affected by the ‘one person’ comments, this is a problem that only you can fix.

Because these comments (and people), if you keep producing, growing and changing will keep coming up time and time again.

So you have choices to make and you have work to do:

Choices:

  1. Ignore. And I mean ignore. This isn’t hard, we make it hard because we tie up emotions in there. Ignore means you finding the ‘screw it’ button and turning it on.
  2. If you get the opportunity, ask the person ‘what would you do to improve the work’, don’t wait for answer though, I’ll bet they haven’t got one if they are attacking you and not what you produced.
  3. Pull up your panties and be prepared for negative comments.
  4. Toughen up. I don’t mean grow a hard heart. I mean toughen up. Thick skin and all that. Oh, sorry should get all deep and meaningful here. Screw that. Look, sometimes you just have to toughen up.
  5. Next time aim for 100 people hating it. Why? Get the rid of the myth in your head that in order to be successful you have to liked and loved by everyone. Produce your work, in your voice, in your way, develop your own unique style or blend in to keep everyone happy, your choice.
  6. Listen. And if they have something constructive to say, sure you may learn something. If it’s an attack on you, you’ll know, you’re smart.  Back to number 1.

The work:

If you are emotionally upset by what others think, you have work to do on yourself.

Yes, you do.

It’s not a trip to the therapist, you can do it yourself while lying in bed eating ice cream. I suggest you work out why it bothered you so much and I’ll take a stab it will all be wrapped up in the past.

  1. Who has laughed at your work before?
  2. Who has ever said to you ‘that’s not good enough’?
  3. How were you given feedback growing up?
  4. Did you ever hear ‘try harder’ or ‘next time you can do a little better’?
  5. When has your best never been the best for someone?

Identify the pain behind the comment. That’s the best place to start, I bet you’ll discover that the 1 person comment is a combination of all the people who said your work wasn’t good enough, however you may have learned these messages when you think you heard ‘you aren’t good enough’, big difference.

Your Turn

Have you been the attack of a one person comment? How did you react?

The Benefits of Creating and Starting Mastermind Group (For Any Area of Life)

MastermindEvery Wednesday evening I attend a mastermind, and it’s one of the highlights of my week.  Although the word makes me sound like I belong to a dark secret society, I can assure you no cloak and daggers are being swished and swashed.

Never heard of it?

No, neither had I until a few years ago, all will be revealed by the end of this post and there’s also links to fantastic resources for further reading on how you can set up your own.

The big picture first, let’s focus on what it is, what it’s not and what are the benefits.

What is Masterminding?

The most popular definition is from Napoleon Hill, author of Think and Grow Rich he described masterminding as “the coordination of knowledge and effort, in a spirit of harmony, between two or more people, for the attainment of a definite purpose.”  (Read: two brains are better than one. )

Sounds a little clunky? Try this…

A mastermind is when a group of individuals come together on a regular basis to help one other, support one another, grow in the specific area of the mastermind.

Do you think it sounds a bit technical? Too much geared towards business? Try and pop that aside in your head, it may be popular in business however it’s not solely reserved for it.

You can create a mastermind around whatever area of life you want. Crochet, careers, confidence, parenting, fundraising, projects, marketing, health…the focus of the mastermind is the choice of the group.

Let me help you out by making it real and explain how we do it.

Our definition:

“Three-ish hours of laughter, support, being exposed, vulnerable, connected, working on our business and being thankful for each other”.

Because we all live in different parts of the world, we hangout on Google+ (so we can see each other), but Masterminds can be in person, on the phone: really whatever is the best method for everyone. We meet weekly, some masterminds are monthly, again the group decides what the timetable is.

We cover a lot of the ‘business’, which I’ll describe in a minute and to prove to you it’s not too technical and heavy, we shoot the breeze like you would not believe, on such lovely topics such as: dogs licking bottoms, American and Scottish words, camping, leaving mayonnaise on the bus, we’ve even Google Earthed each other’s homes, not to mention the fact one of us (not me!) attended from the comfort of their own bed.

What are the benefits?

Because the relationship is authentic and real the rest of the mastermind group have no hesitation in questioning an idea, a thought, a plan, a goal, a piece of work I’m doing, and vice versa. For me, the mastermind supports me, my business and calls me to task on all my (business) crap.

Sounds harsh?

No, not at all, not if the relationships within your mastermind are built on respect, trust, honesty, support and genuineness from the start.

Do you need an agenda?

Well, when The Ladies and I first got together we were very “business-busy”.  For us, it’s laughable now, but we even had a written agenda (which some masterminds always have but for us it didn’t work, again the choice of the group) and before we started we created a survey answering why the hell we want to hook up every week without fail.

The official agenda no longer exists, yet we still cover:

  • What we’re struggling with and where we need input
  • Where we need help, ideas, suggestions
  • What’s working and what’s not
  • What we’re working on
  • What are our goals
  • What we’ve learned
  • Complete nonsense and rants

Our mastermind carries on throughout the week, quick check-ins and how are you doings. It’s not just those hours sitting with wee headphones on looking like an ex-employees for the Starship Enterprise, the support is there all the time.

The Right Mix

On that last point, the people you mastermind with have to be the ‘right’ group of people for you. Starting a group with people that just don’t ‘feel’ right is not such a great idea, people hold back because they don’t feel safe.

You don’t have to be best-buddies, nor do you all have to be in the same field or at the same level of competence, a mix can be good.

How do you find people? That’s coming in the resources below.

What’s In It For You?

Different perspectives:

We work in very different fields, which is a massive plus. All too often we small and solo business owners aren’t willing to step out from our own field, have a nosey and  learn from other areas, then perhaps apply what’s working over there in our own business.

Whatever the focus of the mastermind, there is always the opportunity to learn from ‘how others do it’.

Getting over stopped:

We’ve all been there, being too close to our own work we can’t see alternatives. When sharing with others they can hear what you are saying, pick up what you’re not saying and then ask you powerful questions you have forgotten to ask yourself.

We all don’t think in the same way, so on a mastermind someone may have the suggestion or idea that for some reason you weren’t seeing yourself.

The support, relationship and connection:

Vital to all of us, especially solo business owners. Before my masterminds (I’ve been in three) this was a real concern of mine. Sure connection was happening via social media and live networking events, but a great mastermind goes much deeper.

When the initial ‘norming and forming’ was done the real truths came out, to know ‘you’re not alone out there’ is priceless.

Accountability:

Each week, we state what we will be working on for the week ahead and we set ourselves short term goals. To turn up the next week and say, ‘I didn’t do it’, urgh.

When we work alone, one of the biggest lessons I think we have to learn and maintain is to hold ourselves accountable, to take ownership and control of what we are doing, when we are going to do it by and get it done. Telling people you’re going to do something by a certain date adds to the urgency. See, we’re growing together, I sure as hell don’t want to be the one to let the side down.

Other ways of doing things:

I believe, what a mastermind shouldn’t be is a group coaching call, a mastermind is a collection of brains, not one brain coaching 4/5/6 other brains.

Imagine the power of all the ideas, suggestions, advice and tips coming from all those brains? If you need a coach, don’t substitute a mastermind in it’s place, as they are very different.

Genuine support:

You may have great friends, a loving family, a supportive significant other, the cat doesn’t count (they rule you) and the dog couldn’t care less. But, do you have someone who has no secret agenda?

Huh?

I have a supportive partner, no question about it. But they have a secret agenda, and rightly so: we agreed to share our lives, if I’m struggling with an idea or a thought, they will (because they love me) try and fix it.

My family is supportive, but they haven’t really got a clue what I do for a living, their secret agenda is they just want me to be happy.

With the ‘right’ people in your mastermind genuine support with no secret agenda is on tap. They care about you enough to not wrap you in cotton wool. They care about you enough to call you on your stuff.

Does that mean you need a thick skin? No, however my advice is be willing to share honestly and openly, that does require bravery because sometimes you have to expose all those vulnerabilities and fears.

How to Set Up Your Mastermind Group

I’m sending you away now around the web because there are great resources to be had.

The first:

Karyn Greenstreet is a Small Business Coach and has a fab website called Passion For Business, she also set up and owns The Success Alliance which is a website dedicated to Masterminding.

She has a great free ebook over on The Success Alliance on How To Create and Run a Mastermind Group (you’ll need to give an email address), can I say that I do recommend Karyn and trusted her with mine.

Karyn also runs classes for Starting Up Your Mastermind Group.

I shot her an email before publishing this post (mainly to warn her I was linking to her website and to double check she still runs the workshops) the classes are for small and solo business owners, personal groups, non-profits and corporations.

If you want to head over there, here’s a few popular posts that Karyn (thank you Karyn) put together for you (and me):

2. Although the contest is over, there is a great video over on Jennifer Loudens website (it’s an interview with Danielle La Porte) on masterminding, or ‘Brain Trusts’ as Jennifer calls them.

The biggest takeaway from the video I got was ‘connecting with people who meet you on a soul level‘, agree the love has to be there.  Here’s the link to the video (no longer available) on Jennifer Loudens website or watch it on Danielle’s (no longer available).

3. Over on Jack Canfields website The Success Principles download the Mastermind Planning Guide, no sign up required, click the link and the workbook will open in a pdf. Personally I prefer Karyns, there’s a lot more information and detail, but Canfields includes a nice template.

4. Join meetup.com and search for groups in your area.

Not technically a ‘mastermind’, however you never know who you’re going to meet and where relationships can take you.

Meetup is free to join, but some groups may charge, or heck, start your own (fees are about £80 for the year to have your own group) and bring together you’re own masterminds.

Your Thoughts…

Are you part of a mastermind group? What’s the biggest positive? Have you any questions, just pop them below and I’ll try answer them for you. What area of your life would you love to create a mastermind around?

 

On Being Stuck and Why It Isn’t So Sticky

I’m sure if you go through this website you’ll find helping you off stuck typed hundreds of times.

If you asked me what do I do, I would probably forget my ‘elevator pitch’ and start with ‘I help people get unstuck.’

I’ve changed my mind. Not the helping people off stuck, just the word stuck.

I’m reclaiming ‘stuck’, because I’m having 3.14am bizarre thoughts.

Has she gone mad!

No, not yet, go with me a little and hear me out…

Let’s say you want to change career and follow a completely different path to the one you are hurtling down now.

You aren’t sure of the route, the opportunities, what you need to do first in order to make it happen, you would probably say, “I’m stuck’, right?

But what if you looked at from a different perspective?

Here’s my bizarre too-early-in-the-morning-for-this thoughts…

Bizarre Thought #1: When we’re stuck, we know something is wrong.

Isn’t that a good thing? To actually know that you aren’t on the right path, that’s a gift. When you finally realise you aren’t going the way you want, motivation to do something else. Yeah stuck.

Bizarre Thought #2:  Being stuck will bring up all the baggage for a washing out.

Resistance and fears that need to be exposed and dealt with so you can move forward come up when we’re stuck.  Have you ever used the word ‘stuck’ in the past, and what you really meant was ‘I’m scared’? Stuck rocks.

Bizarre Thought #3:  Being stuck cannot last.

Nothing stays the same way forever, you know a change or shift will be made. Yes, it may be draining being in the one spot for too long. But what if you used that time to really figure out which way you want to be heading? So ‘I’m stuck’ becomes ‘I’m pausing for a while’. Go stuck, bring it on home.

Bizarre Thought #4: There is a higher chance that when we’re stuck we will use all the tools we need on ourselves to get out of the mud.

You go searching for the information to unstick yourselves. You learn in stuck mode. Feck, some peeps only set goals when they are stuck. Way to go stuck.

Bizarre Thought #5:  Being stuck teaches us more about ourselves than any self-improvement program, coach or book of the shelf help variety.

Choices and decisions have to be made. You don’t like being stuck, so do you actively search for a way through when you are? As opposed to the majority of the time plodding along? Result = stuck is awesome.

Bizarre Thought #6:  Being stuck can create the change we really want.

I’m thinking puddles: do you go straight through them, or do you balance your way round the sides, clinging to nearby branches hoping you don’t fall in and get your tootsies wet? Is being ‘stuck’ one way that life says take that risk? Win to stuck!

Questions to ponder over having your breakfast:

  • Are you stuck or are you really scared to move forward?
  • Are you stuck or are you realising that you have barriers and obstacles to remove?
  • Are you stuck, or are you really worried that you come out the mud the wrong way, have you decided to stay safe in the mud?

Okay, before anyone screams at me ‘but I am genuinely stuck’, is the word ‘stuck’ keeping you stuck?

You say ‘I’m stuck’, your brain says ‘can’t see anything else, yes we’re stuck!’

Semantics? No, language is very powerful, it can build and destroy.

  • When we say we can’t, we can’t.
  • When we say it’s impossible, it’s not possible.
  • When we say I’ll never be able to, we’re never able to.
  • When we say I’m stuck, we’re stuck.

What do you think? Any lessons on stuck? Care to join me in my bizarre thoughts? 

 

3 Ways to Deal with Drama Kings and Queens

I know someone who creates a drama out everything that doesn’t go her way.

She thrives on creating ‘a scene’ and doesn’t stop until someone is paying full attention to her, and only her needs.

Maybe you know someone just like her? At work or in your personal life.

I’ve witnessed this person leave others utterly speechless with their emotional explosions, and sometimes it’s not noise and mayhem she creates, she can change the mood of a room, and even a party, with her coldness and silence.

In the past I’ve had to mentally prepare myself before I made a visit to her home: just in case the day I picked a drama was occurring, brewing or had just passed.

Remove them from my life?

No, I love them, it’s only a behaviour I don’t like. They do have some wonderful other qualities.

 

  • When someone is continually sucking you into their life drama, how can you stay apart from it and still be there for them?
  • How can you care and not allow someone else’s drama to become yours?
  • How can you create a safe relationship where both sides are equal, even if one person doesn’t think the needs of the other are important?
  • Can we?

Here’s my thoughts:

I think we can. But I also know (from the experience above) that we also need to protect and respect ourselves. Because maybe one day the drama will stop. I’m a big girl, I wish they valued another’s needs like they do their own, but for now they don’t.

#1 Stay off the Stage

The drama queens and kings like nothing better than to include people in their performance. You don’t have to take part; you don’t need to step onto that stage with them. Watch from the balcony, as soon as you start paying attention to the drama or the performance, pull yourself back to your seat.

Ask yourself: what can I do to help (not rescue) this person right now? Then do it. That may include walking away.

Ask yourself: what are they getting from this drama? Are they trying to tell me something that they can’t manage right now?

Ask yourself: what do I need right now? And do it.  Nothing states anywhere you have to watch.

#2 Remember It’s Not Your Show

I’ll admit it’s difficult watching and listening to my friend going through the ‘dramas’, there’s a part of me that  thinks ‘why do you do this to yourself?’ I know the answer: they are getting something from it. Play it cool. Don’t fuel their emotions with your own.

Whatever their reasons (which they will have) know it’s not your play, it’s not your story.

Be honest with the review. If you don’t like a behaviour say so, you can do this and still respect the other person. You could try:

“When (insert the behaviour) it makes me feel (insert the feeling), I would prefer it if you would (insert the desired behaviour).

Of course, they don’t have to listen. But if they don’t, that says a lot more.

#3 Bring Down The Curtain – Boundaries

All relationships have boundaries.

And these boundaries will be a different person to person. If you were a coach you would have fixed boundaries: the lines you never cross. Can friendships have the same? I think so.

Another friend of mine is always late. Not once in 16 years, they have never been on time, ever.

We do laugh at the time she traveled the world for a year and missed the last flight back to Edinburgh from London. We have boundaries now, the wait will be no more than half an hour. Give her time to be who she is, and us both a cut off point.

Boundaries keep you safe. So before an interaction with the dramatist:

  1. Protect yourself for each interaction. Know what you will tolerate, and what you won’t. In coaching we agree times, perhaps you agree with the drama queen a ‘free reign’ of time, and that’s it?
  2. Do what’s in your best interest and theirs. If you can’t listen, say so. If you need to create some space, create it.
  3. Tell them what you will and won’t tolerate. And then know what you will do if it’s crossed. And stick to it.

Your Turn

I asked the same question on Facebook: some would ignore, but what about you how do you deal with people who create a drama out of everything? Do you?

 

Monday Morning Pep Talk: When You Hear The Words No

I’ve done it too. I’ve had a dream and then before I even got past, ‘Wow, that’s so possible for me’: barriers were raised, resistance is reared and the dream  is quickly extinguished.

I believe we spend far too much time with voices in our heads that do not belong to us.

Parents, teachers, friends, primary care givers — whoever, when you hear the word ‘No’, or ‘Not possible’, is it your own voice and truth, or does it belong to someone else?

Try this:

For every single ‘not possible’ or ‘I can’t’ or ‘I’ll never be able to’, and so on.

Simply, ask yourself ‘Says who’? Easy.

Examples:

I can’t do that. Says who?

I’m too fat, ugly, thin, unattractive, and so on. Says who?

I’ll never make it. Says who?

I’ll never love like that again. Says who?

I don’t have the confidence. Says who?

I’ll never find a job I love. Says who?

Life is so hard. Says who?

I’ll never get out of debt. Says who?

They would never hire me. Says who?

You have the opportunity here to work out where the real source of the resitance and barriers are, to dive into the shadows of your past to find out who planted the seeds of doubt in your mind of what you are actually capable of.

As soon as you start to see the truth, as it really is (not as you believe it to be), you discover that the barrier and resistance never belonged to you, was it someone else telling you no, because they never thought it was possible for them? Just a thought.