Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

All blog post Moxie Living

So, You Want to Make a Difference

Dear Moxieologists, a story first…

Between 1993-2002 I volunteered for a children’s charity.

The charity was small and provided residential breaks to young people at risk. The word risk pretty much says it all really, it needs no further explanation.

I loved it.

It was tiring. Fun. Inspiring. Eye opening. Exhausting. Scary. Exasperating. Hysterical, either though laughter or through tears. It was pretty emotional whacking love work. Some days I was great at it, on others I sucked.

In my first year, I put my name down to work a wintry break in October, the group was aged 8-10 years.

Long story short, a child disclosed abuse taking place at home.

Now, if you work in this area you know how this goes. If you don’t there are strict rules of what you can say, what you can’t say, what you legally have to do with the information, what you must explain to a child and so on.

It’s not easy and once it’s reported what happens next is out of your hands.

So it went out of mine. The child finished their holiday and on arrival home the authorities took over. I went home hoping that I had did all the right things.

That was my first experience of an abuse disclosure, sadly there were more, the training (although excellent) didn’t prepare me.

Fast forward 8 years and another holiday. This one for teenagers. After the initial welcome, all the teens who smoked wanted a cigarette.

Because they were legally allowed to smoke, the charity knew they would smoke whether it was permitted or not, so the safest way was to agree with the young person they would only smoke with supervision before they came away.

So, there I was standing outside with a 6ft young man supervising , ignoring the smoking, I started to find out who he was.

After a couple of minutes he turned and said to me, ‘Dawn, you don’t recognise me do you?’ I didn’t. I hadn’t a clue. The horrible moment when someone knows you and you don’t know them. Urgh!

See, I never read their rap sheets, I always preferred to wait and meet the person rather than meet a second hand opinion.

Here he was. The boy who disclosed abuse. The boy who sat speaking of experiences that no 8 year old should have any knowledge of.

The boy who destroyed a room, not out of malice, purely to get someone to listen.

I’ll admit, I felt really bad not recognising him and then worried because I didn’t know what he was going to say next.

He freely gave me the missing years.  He went to live with another family member, told me he was really happy there and he then said, ‘Thank you’.

Why am I sharing this with you?

Making a difference is not about waiting for the right time, right project, right business, right career, right people or the right cause.

When people say to me they want to make a difference I know they mean they want to help change the world by the actions they take. They feel they have to do something of epic proportions.

Making a difference is not always about the biggest impact, it can also be the smallest impacts in a big way.

Making a difference is a way of living your entire life, I don’t believe a make a difference life is something that is switched on and off at a time that suits. It’s all the way or nothing. What do you think?

Every day difference. How?

  • A warm smile to a stranger.
  • Asking someone if they’re okay. Just kind words.
  • Making someone a drink without asking if they need one.
  • A touch on your partners hand when you have no need to do so.
  • When you ask a question and stay around listening to the answer.
  • For giving people the chance to speak their truth without any judgement on your part.
  • Send a card. Drop a gift.
  • The gifts of encouragement and saying ‘I believe in you’.
  • A hug at the right moment.
  • Saying ‘I hear you?’
  • And on, and on, and on, the simplicity makes it different.

Sometimes I think making a difference is about knowing the norm and doing the exact opposite. 

Making a difference is about being diverse in your actions. No two people are the same, you make a difference by recognising this and acting accordingly.

The difference you make to a person at any given moment in time may be your only chance to give it, just at the point when they need it most.

I guarantee you it requires no major life overhaul. It’s a simple choice, with epic results. We don’t know when we are making a difference.

Take the words ‘making a difference’ and turn them into a daily gift. The best gifts have to be shared and passed along.

As the saying goes …

“People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel. Remember what you do echoes in eternity.”

 

The Massive Problem With ‘Anything’

The problem? You’ll probably get anything. (It’s only a problem when you know you want something else!)

Anything is an unspecific everything.

Anything is also nothing.

Anything is a whatever, don’t care, not bothered.

Anything is indifferent.

Anything is no decision.

Anything is a shrug of the shoulders, couldn’t care less, it doesn’t really matter.

Here’s the thing, we sometimes say anything because we’re scared to admit we have a desire to wanting something else or the real thing.

When you settle for anything, you’re settling for any excuse not to decide.

When you settle for anything, are you confusing I can’t with I won’t?

When you live in a world of anything, does anything of meaning to you really happen?

When you accept anything is good enough for you, are you denying that you’re worthy enough of the real thing?

Anything involves a lot of but-ing and I can’t-ing and because-ing.

Examples:

I would love to do that but I don’t have the energy, time, money, support, resources, education, qualifications, experience … and so on. 

That would be so amazing for me but I can’t because I don’t have the energy, time, money, support, resources, education, qualifications, experience … and so on. 

Tip: Replace but with however, it helps eliminate the negative after the positive when you’re talking about what is possible for you.

To do: (Not new in shelf help land and incredibly easy) Ban the word can’t from your vocabulary for one week (build it to a lifetime if you can!), become an observer of those around you, count how many times you hear others use it. Startling.

The first decision to make is are you worthy of something?

If yes, the second decision is, make decisions.

If no, click here.

Take action on the something, do anything but accept anything. 

 

Is Your Time Well ‘Spent’?

Is Your Time Well Spent?How do you feel about the number 86,400 (if anything)?

It’s an important number however many of us complain that we don’t have enough of what the number is made up of. You have already used it, reading this far, we’re talking about time.

If time were money, would you waste and fritter away as much of it?

Think about it for a minute; consider the last week of your life, how much time was spent and for no return? If you have time the chances are you are making money with it, however money will never buy you some more time.

We all have 86,400 seconds in a day, no more, no less. It doesn’t matter who you are, what shape your finances are in, whether you think you are successful or not, whether you are in or out a relationship, whether you have a brilliant career or a job that pays the bills, that’s the totally figure of all the seconds we have in a day.

You have no more or less than anyone else.

Why do we not see time as the precious commodity that it is, unlike how we place such a value on money?

Every day when we wake up, put into our ‘time bank’ are precious moments that have not yet been used, however we cannot store it up for the future, or keep it for a rainy day.

As soon as we realise this, it can make a huge shift in our motivation to fill it in the way that we want to.

  • Unlike money, time never has you in debt.
  • Unlike money, no-one can mug you for it (well, unless we give it away emotionally) and no one can steal it from you.
  • Unlike money, we can’t balance transfer it somewhere else and neither does it ask us to pay us back, once we have spent it, that’s it.
  • Unlike money we don’t receive a statement telling us what balance we have left.
  • Unlike money you cannot borrow it now and pay it back later.
  • Unlike money you also cannot waste it, because time is not yours to waste, it only belongs to you when it comes!

Out of your allotted 84,000 seconds in a day, you decide how you spend it; sleeping, eating, making money, watching television, playing with children, having conversations you want and don’t want to have.

You may spend it on pursuits that make you happy, healthy and positive.

You may on the other hand spend it on activities that make you feel you are living in debt by pessimism, unhappiness, jealousy, and feelings of lack, hate and poverty.

If in anyway you can realise quickly that this is spent time, you may shift your attention. However we look at money as being the most common thing there is, it isn’t, your happiness depends on you refocusing your expenditure of time and if life is not working for you choosing another ‘bank’ to use your time.

How do you want to spend your time? How can you ‘shop’ and buy so that you are balancing effectively ‘this is the life of my choosing’?

First, accept and think about time as something that does not cost you a penny, it’s yours, it always has been.

Up until now if you have filled your time with ‘I will do that when I have more time’, realise that you will actually never have more time, we all have the same amount.

Embrace time, place a value upon it. Time is continually being spent, and once it’s gone, you cannot return it or ask for an exchange, just because you did not spend it wisely.

As you have time now, you have been given your biggest resource. In how you spend it that is up to you, but it’s a sure guarantee that how you spend this moment will determine the type of return you have on those times yet to come.

No one has more than you; we are all equals in time.

How you cash in on time is your choice, so are you spending yours wisely?

Updated: 31/12/2012

Are You a Strong Starter or a Slow Burner?

Which are you?

There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer.

Both can reach the finish line.

Slow starters can finish strong.

Strong starters can finish slow.

The tip is: keep moving and stay lit.

I notice this with new business owners once the excitement of start-up is over: See, in the beginning, it’s all about first times: pretty website, blog, social media, meetings, telling people. Once the initial euphoria fades – and the actual work begins – then they have to find their way to keep all those initial sparks alive.

If you feel your spark wavering:

  • remind yourself consistently why you started, the real reason.
  • reinforce your capability to get the job done.
  • don’t judge yourself harshly, you don’t need that nonsense, have some compassion for yourself and ask other questions of yourself to stay lit.
  • focus on your strengths and don’t linger too long your weaknesses.
  • remind yourself of the journey so far.
  • get real: did you set your expectations for a superhuman, do you judge yourself too harshly?
  • review your goals: what can you add for self-motivation and take out because it does nothing for you?
  • speak up and ask for help or other perspectives; sometimes we are too close to our stuff we are missing the whole picture

Dawn

Having the Courage to Dare: A Quote Post

If you like this post you can download a copy of Dare To Be You by using the little box there on the left. Not only that you will have access to all the rest of the toolkit.

Having the Courage to Dare

I don’t know if you were ever dared as a child.

I was.

And I always accepted the challenge. Even though some were dangerous and reckless.

As an adult I may not dare or double dare myself in the same way but there are still times when I experience the feelings of daring myself. It feels like standing at a cliff edge and knowing the only way to grow and develop is to make the leap, to take a step, to trust myself, my skills, my learning, my belief that everything will be okay.

To dare doesn’t need to be reckless. To dare is an act of courage, daring, a challenge.

I realise that you may not agree with the quotes below, that’s the thing about quotes we either love or loathe. Some give us a quick lesson and others leave us stumped. So, if you have a few favourites please leave them in the comments below, you’re an original and I’m sure your list will be different to mine.

1. Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary. Cecil Beaton

To be the one who is stepping away from the norm takes courage. I love the phrase ‘slave of the ordinary’ to me in conjures up images of the start of the film Metropolis.  Set in 2026, we see formed lines of workers, walking in sync, heads down and nothing to differentiate one person from another. They are slaves to work, to a system, to the rules, to the common place.

If you haven’t already, you can download Dare to Be You by clicking the link.

2. Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward; they may be beaten, but they may start a winning game. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

We never know how anything is going to go in life. We can plan, organise, write down pros and cons lists, set goals for ourselves with timescales attached, but still we don’t know. Sometimes in life we need to dare ourselves to start, to begin, to make a move.

3. It is better to err on the side of daring than the side of caution. Alvin Toffler

On first reading I didn’t think I liked this quote. There is nothing wrong with being sightly cautious is there? But to always be cautious? To be on permanent alert and guard making sure that no risks are ever taken? Not for me, I prefer to err with the daring, you?

4. The loving are the daring. Bayard Taylor

To love deeply, to care, to show compassion, to open ourselves up fully to others even with the risk that the love will end, change, perhaps turn to anger and hate. But still we love even with the knowledge and experience of what has been before, that’s courageous.

5. If you do things well, do them better. Be daring, be first, be different, be just. Anita Roddick

Being just. Being honorable, true to your word, fair, congruent and consistent.

6. You can’t outwit fate by standing on the side-lines placing little side bets about the outcome of life. Either you wade in and risk everything you have to play the game or you don’t play at all. And if you don’t play you can’t win. Judith McNaught

Win against what? Who? Although this quote asks us to embrace life fully I have a slight problem with the ‘win’ thing. Maybe you don’t, maybe you see winning as perfectly okay. And that’s fine too. But McNaught is right so far, if we aren’t there, in it, showing up and embracing life we aren’t really living, merely existing.

7. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.  Helen Keller

Enough said.

 8. Courage to me is doing something daring, no matter how afraid,

insecure, intimidated, alone, unworthy, incapable, ridiculed

or whatever other paralysing emotions you might feel.

Courage is taking action…no matter what. 

So you’re afraid? Be afraid. 

Be scared silly to the

point you’re

trembling

and nauseous,

but do it anyway! 

Richelle E. Goodrich

This is my favourite. It’s the quote that recognises the fears we all have … from time to time. It’s what  call an ‘ass kick’ quote. I get it. Do you?

9. People should always force themselves to do daring things.  Gordon Forbes

10. Devote today to something so daring even you can’t believe you’re doing it. Oprah

And they don’t have to be the big life adventures. I hear the phrase all the time, ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this’ on charity firewalks. Groups of people coming together for a common cause, daring themselves to push their boundaries. But the some things don’t have to be that big, they can be simple tasks and actions you have been putting of because of the fears mentioned in quote 8. It’s not the size of the dare, it’s the follow through that matters.

11. We must dare, and dare again, and go on daring. Georges Jacques Danton

Yes. Because every day we are faced with new challenges.

12. Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. André Gide

Love this. How many of us stay on the shore, never setting sail? To have the courage to step out into the unknown takes guts. Sometimes we have to give up and let go of what we know and what feels secure in order to change and grow.

13.  If you get the chance to do something and don’t do it then you’ll simply live with regret. That’s a worse situation than trying something daring and maybe not succeeding. At least you tried. Lorena Bathey

I’m not convinced we’ll always live with regret if we say no to certain things. But I don’t think that’s the story Bathey is trying to tell. You? Would rather try knowing there is a possibility of failure, rather than not try at all?

14. Faith is the daring of the soul to go farther than it can see. William Newton Clarke

Faith: totally confident in your belief. I adore this quote. I know myself I sometimes think smaller than what I am capable of. Sometimes we can only see so far based on our beliefs (conditioning) of what is and isn’t possible for us. What do you think of this one?

15. It’s daring to be curious about the unknown, to dream big dreams, to live outside prescribed boxes, to take risks, and above all, daring to investigate the way we live until we discover the deepest treasured purpose of why we are here.  Luci Swindoll

Daring to investigate? I love it. To become our own detectives. Searching and seeking for our own truth. Asking powerful questions. Ripping apart learnings and relearning.

16. I believe the most important single thing, beyond discipline and creativity is daring to dare. Maya Angelou

Agreed Maya. Agreed.

17. All glory comes from daring to begin.

What would it feel like after you take the first step?

18. It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.

Dare to be you.

Your Turn

Do you know any daring quotes? Leave them below in the comments.

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Crickey. If Life Is Tough Just Think ‘At Least I’m Not a Giraffe’

I first heard this story 10 years ago, and it’s a goody. But. I’ve spent the last two hours searching for some evidence of it being accurate. Guess what? I have found nothing to confirm. So, if Giraffe-ology, Zoology, or some other ‘oology’  is your thing and you can tell me categorically it’s correct I will remove this little box.  See, I’ve learned a wheen about giraffes in my search and did you know that these long necked gentle creatures can take out a lion with a kick — so it makes me question if Mom giraffe would actually do such a thing. Yet another but … it’s still a bloody good metaphor! Read now …

If you were a new born giraffe, your first moments in the world would be hard.

First, you will probably fall 10ft from your Mums womb. Second, you would tuck in your tiny giraffe hoofs and try to shake all that birthing fluid from your eyes, ears and nose and try to stand up.

And try.

And try some more.

You’re wobbly.

You fall down.

Try some more.

You don’t get up.

Eventually you make it.

You will receive no encouragement from Mum way up there, she will just stand and watch, maybe she may give you a lick or two but that’s it.

No Fisher Price toys for you to lean on as you take those steps or a sofa to prop yourself against. No grandparents, aunts or uncles giving you a round of applause.

As soon as you make it to standing, and Mum sees your success — which has been hard enough with those long legs of yours. Your Mum then does the unspeakable — she knocks you over.

Back to where you started.

So you have to go through the whole process again.

You try to stand up.

And try some more.

You’re wobbly.

You fall down.

Try some more.

You don’t get up.

You make it.

Next. She repeats the knock. Again you repeat the standing.

Over and over she knocks you down until eventually you can get up quick with no wobble, no falling, no hesitation.

She does this for her love for you.

All her instincts tell her that in the wild if you can’t get up in a split second and move with the group when danger strikes, you won’t survive. You’re toast. Well, dinner for another animal. Maybe not toast!

She doesn’t want you to just learn.

She wants you learn and remember what to do.

Moral? Mmm. What’s Yours?

I’ve plucked this story so many times from the memory bank and used, but for now:

When life kicks you hard when you least expect it. Get up. Stand up. Try again. Trust yourself that no matter the odds you can pull yourself up.

Whether kicked, beaten, down trodden, ridiculed, belittled, judged, mocked … stand up every time. Every. Time.

Sure, you can lie down on the mental ground and think, ‘Why the hell is this happening to me over and over again?‘. Just stand up.

You, me, everyone we all need to learn, the way we learn has nothing to do with the techniques or methods, the beautiful thing about learning is we already know instinctively what we need to do.

Stand up. Stand up with your whole self: mind and body. You know this learning. Instinctively, you know.

 

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