Helping you align all that you do with your core values
All blog post Moxie Living
Ann
“I take the time to see everything now that I didn’t before. Just the beauty, the trees turning, the birds nature, my son smile, how beautiful he is … I just take a lot of time to notice those things … and that is the trick … to living this moment … most people live with blinders on and they are so caught up in the little things … that distract you from what really matters … all that stuff is washed away, and you see what really counts … and that’s the people you love.”
A nervous client recently said to me they were a little scared about letting someone else in and they had to pluck up the courage to call because coaches have it all together.
Er.
No.
Myth.
Well, this one (me!) has never experienced life as all together.
An analogy: it’s a bit like going to see a Dr. Because of the job title they have, we automatically give them a lot of authority and instant power over our health, they have the title, so they know best, right? (Do they?) And we can (rightly or wrongly) assume that their life is in perfect working order: they probably don’t eat junk food, smoke, drink too much, or snort a line of the white stuff.
What do we know?
Their personal life could be crumbling apart around their stethoscope, they could be a regular at AA meetings, be covered in nicotine patches, going through a messy divorce, their kids could be not speaking to them, their partner having an affair and yet they come to work, leave their baggage at the door and then pick it up again at the end of the shift. We don’t get to see and will never know what goes on when they take off the white coat.
I mean, can you imagine a GP sitting you down and telling you their worries and problems? No, it wouldn’t be right.
As a coach and trainer I pay for professional support and supervision. Because I’m self employed I don’t have the luxury (or dread depending on how you see it) of monthly support and supervision sessions with someone higher up the ladder (as I’m the only one my ladder), or an annual review.
I decided early on in my business that I wanted to pay someone who had no emotional investment in my business and who was prepared to just listen. To be there. To not judge me. I didn’t want business coaching, I wanted support.
So, every couple of months I pay a professional who who sits and nods as I tell them my woes, worries, concerns and strife’s, without ever mentioning names I tell her about things that I couldn’t help with, where I got stuck and stories I didn’t understand. I share with them moments when I feel lost (out my depth even) or when I struggled, or wished I had approached a situation in completely different way.
She asks the questions, I provide the answers. And I always come away from there feeling supported.
See, sometimes this work can be tough. Once you get used to me and I you, once we’ve settled in, and our relationship is formed, when you begin to open up and peel away the layers you feel safe in exposing and share the parts of who you really are I for one need support to help you.
Professionally I know your story is not mine: your problems and concerns don’t belong to me, but as soon as you share them I want to be able to help you in the best way possible for you at this time.
Occasionally your stories are hard to listen to. Sometimes when you share with me, even with all the professional training in the world, I still can quickly be reminded of an event in my own life. I can’t help it, emotions are funny buggers, they spring from no-where.
And that’s why I pay for support and supervision, I need to always know where I end and where you begin. I need to know that my stuff isn’t encroaching on your stuff.
I want you to know that even though I do what I do (and others like me) appear to have all our ducks lined up, that we appear to have life neatly packaged and bowed, we don’t. Well, I don’t. I can’t speak on behalf of others.
You said you’re scared about letting someone in, sometimes we’re scared that you’ve picked the right person to invite in. We have our limits too you know.
We’re human. Just like you. We have our own stuff going on, we may never share it all with you because you aren’t paying us to listen to our worries. We’re trained to leave our own luggage at the door, and rightly so. Sometimes we’ll give you snippets, if it’s appropriate to do so.
But please, leave behind that thoughts that coaches are all sorted. I don’t think it’s true. But (again) I can only speak for myself.
We can perhaps relate to your story because in some bizarre way it’s formatting is a little like our own. But we would never merge the two.
When you pick up the phone, send email or get in touch we know how hard that action could’ve been. We know that because we’ve probably been in a situation similar.
Most of the coaches I know don’t work in total isolation, they want to give you the best service, when you’re with them remember they are probably getting support behind the scenes for their life and work too: either through a regulating body, association, mastermind group, paid for support and supervision or even their own coach.
We do all need support.
We all need someone who’s ‘upright’ in our life.
Dear Moxieologists,
NB: this is actually a post about observational learning, but we are going to get to it by talking about dog poop, as you do!
This is one of those weird experiences in life you have to tell people about in the hope that they will go ‘Really! No Way! Wow!’ instead of looking at you as if you’ve just landed on earth.
So I’ll start by saying I have the most talented dog in the world, you know how some think their kids are the smartest, prettiest, funniest, most intelligent and they let everyone know about it, well I’m owning all that above and applying it to Inca the dog … er … because I can.
She has a few issues that she needs to take time for herself and work on, she isn’t perfect: she raids the bin, throws up on your lap, puts holes in your socks, and the worst is her rather embarrassing licking habit.
Want to stretch your comfort zone?
Come, borrow and walk Inca: don’t worry she’ll always go with you, she goes with everyone, she’s that not fussed who takes her to the world beyond the front door.
At some stage on your walk she’ll pass a stranger and before you even remember the last time it happened, she’ll have given the unprepared souls bottom area a quick sniff and a couple of licks.
Comfort zone? I swear having to apologise to a complete stranger for your dog having a sniff and lick of, I’m sorry, what can only be a whiffy bottom, is a major act of courage and confidence, comfort zones stretched in a second.
There was a lovely lady once who said, ‘Oh, don’t worry, it was quite pleasant actually!’
(She does the lick to my friend Matt’s bottom, but that’s acceptable, she knows him and is used to his smells. Not that he smells, she just has a supersonic doggy nose.)
Got a picture of Inca? Excellent.
Living with cats (oops cat now, no plural, *sigh*) and dogs it’s pretty much guaranteed that poop is a big part of your life.
Whether trying to find it in the cat litter tray or wanting to look as cool as Jay-Z having a cry while at the same time picking up the doggy droppings with a nappy sack, holding onto a ball thrower, your keys, a phone, pretending that the scoop-that-poop performance is something you dig yo, is a challenge.
Anyhoo, the other day I thought that Storm (she’s the remaining cat *another sigh*) had some serious bowel issues going on.
Going in for the Cat Litter Tray Swoop Manoeuvre (a quick dive before the smell hits and you keel over), faced with what I saw, I did think for a second, ‘Geez, that cat has lost her inners!’.
On a second observation however I recognised the poop as Inca’s.
Ah, not a doglet owner? Well, poop identification is not some weird poop fetish thing, we dog owners (after a while) can recognise our own dogs shite. That could be a new reality TV show? Mmm, a field, a hundred dogs, winner of most collected poop from own dog gets …
Anyway.
And this is the talented part, Inca had done her business inside the cat litter tray.
You can think ‘WOW. Really. No-Way’ now.
Go on.
I’ll wait.
Soak up her talent.
Or you may think ‘Dawn that is really no big deal’. And I would have to stop you there … you … you … unimpressed one, and remind you that Inca is a collie dog, she’s fairly big and the cat has a teeny weeny toilet. And this poop was in the middle. Inca had backed herself strategically in to make a deposit.
On my discovery I took a breath in and I was about to call her name with the get-here-you-little-bugger tone, when she came bounding up, tail wagging and totally pleased with herself. Bless. So all I could manage was, ‘Who’s a good girl then. Who’s a gooood giiiiiirl?’ What else could I say?
And if you’re a doggy trainer or Cesar Milan yes, yes, yes, I know it was the worst thing to do. But come on, this is clever stuff, she wasn’t taught, she didn’t have a little potty trainer stool from Ikea bought for her as a puppy, she eats toilet paper and thinks cat poop are flavoured biscuits most days. So, how? How can she have known.
I think (which is probably not the reason but I want to believe it is), remember I told you about taking Tipsy to the loo when he broke his back? She was there. Inca, being a typical collie, needs to know where all humans and other four legged things are at all times. And she watches. She is observing and making her next move constantly, she can’t help it, it’s the breed.
She has taught herself! She’s modelled the cats!
You can say ‘Wow’ again now! Don’t resist it. Go on.
You could say, ‘it’s the smells’, but she has never done this ever before in the house. “She needed out?” Nope, I was in and she knows the routine (usually).
My dog has taught herself to use the cat litter tray.
Now, you can tell I’m excited about this because I’m thinking long boat trips without land in sight, a cat litter tray down below for the doggy in a life jacket. I can sail the world with her! Not that I want to do that but if I did we would be sorted in the doggy business department.
Oh, and she isn’t going to be doing again in the future, not on my watch, I mean I’m not going to just let her, what do you take me for?
So there you have it, I have the most intelligent dog in the world.
And now, her owner (me) is sitting here thinking how the hell can I turn that into something more meaningful … I know …
Have you heard of Observational Learning?
Observational learning or social learning theory is a ‘wow, really, no way’ baby from Psychologist Albert Bandura (that’s Bandura, not bandanna) . Basically (and briefly as it’s a massive topic, I’m not a psychologist or his research assistant, and I won’t do it justice in a blog post) social learning is when an observer changes her behaviour after observing the behaviour of another, known as the model.
The change or behaviour can be positive and negative, the observer doesn’t need any encouragement or enforcement for the learning to happen, but the extent of the behaviour can be reinforced positively or negatively.
Got a child who is behaving strangely or not like themselves to you? Chances are they are just modelling what they have observed, if going by social learning theory. (Note: the theory would include you as the model.)
Social learning theory, I think, totally backs up the common statements, ‘Oh, wait until they get to high school, that’s when the trouble starts!‘ that parents make.
No, that’s when the change of behaviour begins because of what they are giving attention to every day.
Example: a child has seen that another gets attention by shouting, they want attention, they shout, their carer/parent shouts at them to tell them not to shout. But the negative behaviour has been reinforced because they got the attention, and shouting was part of it. Negative reinforcement has happened.
Not all observations of models ‘get through’, just because we pay attention to something does not mean we will learn and change behaviour. The crucial part in all this is the production and what happens when we do, the motivation.
There is a phrase/quote that goes around shelf-help land, Facebook walls and motivational posters with big text along the lines of, ‘You become who you spend most of your time with, choose wisely’.
But is it accurate? Many think of people in their life when they read that statement. But people aren’t the only models: TV, magazines, music videos, celebrities, reality TV shows, cartoon characters, films, the news’ everything we pay attention to and observe has the potential to be modelled.
If you’re in the process of change, I have no doubt you’ve read and watched plenty on pay attention to yourself, to observe your own behaviour, habits and attitudes, to become the watcher of you. I have written, and I believe, it’s something we can all do to help us understand our own motivations better, to go inside.
But, if going by social learning theory, I think we can understand more of who we are by observing and paying attention to what we are choosing to observe on a regular basis on the outside.
So, my question is this: who or what are are you observing?
Next.
What are you giving your attention to? What’s getting through? What is it teaching you? What are you learning from it? Who or what are your models? Are you unhappy with the way things are in your life today? Have you learned inaccurate information from what you modelled?
If you’re not happy with the way things are at present do you need to refocus and observe something else?
Need a couple of examples? Okay …
Example 1#: you have been trying to lose weight for years, you know it’s not working and yet you still pay attention to new fads, diets, celebrities, TV, what would happen if you started paying attention to another model? What if you started to observe fitness instead of weight lose?
Example 2#: you may want to change career, you’ve paid attention to ‘How to Change Career’ books, blogs, your CV has been worked and reworked, you’ve spoken to advisor’s, you’ve taken a course, and still it’s not happened. What if you gave your attention to volunteering instead? What if you read more on being happier and living a fulfilling life?
Look, I’m not saying these will 100% work, but if you’re unhappy and what you’re doing isn’t working, how about paying attention to another model for a while?
I love the fact Inca pooped in the cat tray.
I love the fact that pets teach.
I love the fact that I daily observe and watch how this four-legged fur ball of mischief runs her life and how I change because of her
I think it’s fecking hysterical that I’m sitting next to three book shelves teeming with more titles than Amazon in their personal development section, but my lessons come from paying attention to dogs popping in cat trays.
What about you? Is there any area of your life that needs a refocus of your attention? Please a comment if you fancy. (And if you have a ‘learned from my pet lesson’ feel free to share because those stories are usually awesome!)
This happened.
Last year, my mastermind group made a commitment to each other that we would blog each day in August.
Why? Was it for the SEO? For the traffic? For the achievement? Nope, alas nothing that planned, purely because we had been lazy sods all summer and let it slide. Our blogging efforts were shocking. Really awful. No oomph or excitement about it all. We wanted to get back into the swing-a-ling.
Away we went, happily clicking and tapping on our keyboards, then we started talking about our little challenge, before we knew it we had other solo business owners joining us (50, mainly therapists): completely unplanned, no big deal, fanfare or big launch thing. With some of them using the challenge to start their own blog or get serious about the one they already had, and others just wanting to get in the flow.
We then said, ‘Let’s put on a beginners course for new-ish bloggers, peeps like us with people helpery businesses, so we did. We had been wanting to work together on a business-type project together, and this seemed like the ideal and natural thing if going by all the feedback, questions and ‘problems’ from the unexpected little community that had popped up.
We delivered webinars, made videos, worksheets, instructions and how to’s, created a forum, a secret cloak and dagger Facebook group, sent daily emails, ran Google+ Hangouts, and all the other bits ‘n’ bobs that go into making an online course. We got it all up and running in a week. Which is funny considering it took me two years to launch a new website.
Then we thought, we probably need to get a website and, erm, well, a blog since it’s a blogging course. So we did that. Then we thought do we need other social media accounts (apart from our own), so we created them too.
Everything upside down, topsy turvy and back to front.
Here’s my thinking on this: in business world (life?) we know that planning is an excellent thing to fall in love with but sometimes I think you just have to fall in love with the intention, decide on how you want to people to feel at the end (or yourself), then jump right fecking in.
Learn, apply and make it all happen as you’re doing it, and that includes admitting errors and rectifying mistakes.
I honestly believe that spontaneous and unplanned course was one of the best things that happened last year in my business, for so many reasons. I remember other events and courses that have worked exactly the same way in the past.
I’d love your thoughts on this, but I believe that it’s so easy to get caught up in the ‘how’, that we can talk ourselves out of doing what we know we are more than capable of. It was also where I learned, really learned, that wanting to create perfection was getting in my own way … big time. There was no time for perfectly perfect, the course had to happen, people were already in their seats.
Yes, there was loads we would have done differently, that’s true. Yes, it was stressful at times. No, I wouldn’t recommend I do everything this way. It just felt right. We did say to people joining the online class at the start, ‘please come but there will be hiccups and whoopsies, but if you can hack that so can we’. And still, they came. We weren’t 100% ready, but we were perfectly ready to start. And yes, we made errors. Having to admit them? A priceless education in being human.
But then to receive emails that people had been offered business, contracts, able to work with the people they really love to work with because of their blog a few months later. That was amazing. And I feel really honoured to have been a little part of it.
1. For you to ask yourself, ‘where are am I getting in my own way?’ Where are you worrying too much about the how? Is there a little bit of perfection in there? What would happen if you let us in and showed us what you were creating?
2. We are having another blogging challenge (on the new website) and (if you fit the criteria) we would love for you to join us. Now closed.
3. Anne Frank said, ‘How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.’ And look, she still is.
What are your thoughts? Do we worry too much about the how? Feel free to leave a comment, let’s discuss.
You know how it goes: everything is going really well, you feel great, things are happening, you’re creating awesomesauce by all the small steps you’re taking, things are moving forward in exactly the way you wanted them to when you set out, self efficacy is high and optimism is through the roof.
You’re getting on with it , in the flow, cruising along and trusting your own instinct. Well done you.
But.
In it creeps.
The doubt.
The thoughts of ‘what if this doesn’t work?’
How? When not two minutes before everything was okay?
Answer: a belief. Or a few of them screwing you up in the here and now.
But how?
Oh, a few failed attempts in the past, a bad experience of the past, people questioning what your doing and spending ( wayyyyy too much) time in the company of people who think you’re on a hiding to nothing are all fuelling the beliefs that support pessimism not optimism.
You sanction your optimism, you begin to give yourself the red light. You stop. Even though it was go go go green light that felt good you slow it down. Stopping. Not driving anywhere.
You suffer and torture yourself, putting your own self on trial. How dare you think it would be a success? Failure may still happen. What’s the point anyway? Urgh!
You restrain yourself. Where your creativity was flowing, the punishment wipes this out, you hold back. You stop putting out what you knew was the right thing to do.
Look at your beliefs. I know, I know, not those bloody beliefs again. There is a limiting one in there somewhere. Dig it up. Question it. Explore if it’s true.
The fact you have believed the outcome/goal/end result is possible you’re playing well.
The only way any of us can know what is possible for us is when we achieve it. We don’t know what we are capable of. You can’t prove you will never reach a goal or outcome, the only truth is you haven’t achieved it yet.
Get honest. Be truthful to yourself about the end result. Understand that everything has an outcome, there is no right or bad outcome. Optimism is not the end result. Optimism is the state that says the end result is worth it.
Watch Your Language. Changing your language changes your thinking which changes your beliefs. Begin by not giving sanction (or saying) what isn’t possible.
“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” Mohandaz Karamchnd Gandhi
Do you punish your optimism? Do you know why?
Stop it. Please. Seriously. I say be realistically positive!
Update: After posting this post on Facebook Jennie at JJHummingbird pointed me to this video. It’s a TED Talk by Tali Sharlot called the Optimism Bias.
Sharlot asks the questions, ‘Is optimism good for us?’ and ‘How do we maintain optimism in the face of reality?’. She argues that some people say no and choose pessimism over optimism so that they won’t be hurt or shocked if they fail, ‘If we don’t expect greatness we won’t be disappointed’.
She then flips this and says that people with higher optimism/expectations whether they succeed or fail always feel better and that regardless of the outcome, to us all feeling of anticipation makes us happy (5.28 minutes in).
I am soooooo Optimism Biased with a hint of reality.You?
Dear Moxieologists, a story first…
Between 1993-2002 I volunteered for a children’s charity.
The charity was small and provided residential breaks to young people at risk. The word risk pretty much says it all really, it needs no further explanation.
I loved it.
It was tiring. Fun. Inspiring. Eye opening. Exhausting. Scary. Exasperating. Hysterical, either though laughter or through tears. It was pretty emotional whacking love work. Some days I was great at it, on others I sucked.
In my first year, I put my name down to work a wintry break in October, the group was aged 8-10 years.
Long story short, a child disclosed abuse taking place at home.
Now, if you work in this area you know how this goes. If you don’t there are strict rules of what you can say, what you can’t say, what you legally have to do with the information, what you must explain to a child and so on.
It’s not easy and once it’s reported what happens next is out of your hands.
So it went out of mine. The child finished their holiday and on arrival home the authorities took over. I went home hoping that I had did all the right things.
That was my first experience of an abuse disclosure, sadly there were more, the training (although excellent) didn’t prepare me.
Fast forward 8 years and another holiday. This one for teenagers. After the initial welcome, all the teens who smoked wanted a cigarette.
Because they were legally allowed to smoke, the charity knew they would smoke whether it was permitted or not, so the safest way was to agree with the young person they would only smoke with supervision before they came away.
So, there I was standing outside with a 6ft young man supervising , ignoring the smoking, I started to find out who he was.
After a couple of minutes he turned and said to me, ‘Dawn, you don’t recognise me do you?’ I didn’t. I hadn’t a clue. The horrible moment when someone knows you and you don’t know them. Urgh!
See, I never read their rap sheets, I always preferred to wait and meet the person rather than meet a second hand opinion.
Here he was. The boy who disclosed abuse. The boy who sat speaking of experiences that no 8 year old should have any knowledge of.
The boy who destroyed a room, not out of malice, purely to get someone to listen.
I’ll admit, I felt really bad not recognising him and then worried because I didn’t know what he was going to say next.
He freely gave me the missing years. He went to live with another family member, told me he was really happy there and he then said, ‘Thank you’.
Why am I sharing this with you?
Making a difference is not about waiting for the right time, right project, right business, right career, right people or the right cause.
When people say to me they want to make a difference I know they mean they want to help change the world by the actions they take. They feel they have to do something of epic proportions.
Making a difference is not always about the biggest impact, it can also be the smallest impacts in a big way.
Making a difference is a way of living your entire life, I don’t believe a make a difference life is something that is switched on and off at a time that suits. It’s all the way or nothing. What do you think?
Every day difference. How?
Sometimes I think making a difference is about knowing the norm and doing the exact opposite.
Making a difference is about being diverse in your actions. No two people are the same, you make a difference by recognising this and acting accordingly.
The difference you make to a person at any given moment in time may be your only chance to give it, just at the point when they need it most.
I guarantee you it requires no major life overhaul. It’s a simple choice, with epic results. We don’t know when we are making a difference.
Take the words ‘making a difference’ and turn them into a daily gift. The best gifts have to be shared and passed along.
As the saying goes …
“People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel. Remember what you do echoes in eternity.”