Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

All blog post Moxie Living

You’ve Got Faults, You’re Not Good Enough

Confidence Quote

Ever quit because somebody didn’t like how you showed up in the world, picked faults and told you? 

Or, ever convinced yourself that you’re not good enough?

A couple of months ago I received an email from a rather angry person that said, ‘You have spelling mistakes, if you can’t spell why should I listen to you?’. 

The writer then took a few moments out of their day to tell me that I should polish up my grammar first, quit using so many exclamation marks and stop using swear words because … wait for it …it doesn’t suit a woman.

Did it hurt? I wonder if you expect me to say, ‘No, not at all, totally washed over me’ being the peep who talks endlessly about confidence, self-esteem and being yourself all the time. But I would be a lying.

Shit like that always stings!!!!!!!! (Damn those exclamation points. Must be because I have boobs or something.)

But a sting is quick right?

It’s a sharp pain that flares instantly and goes quickly.

In the past that sort of feedback used to make me question everything I was doing. 

You and I talk a lot about screwing and ignoring the naysayers and the critics. But even my own advice (applied on me) gets messy from time to time, especially when the Spelling Nazis and Grammar Gestapo are taking a march around.

If I allow it they can bite a little bit of confidence (the key words there are if I allow it … that is always my choice).

And I quote …

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intention.

Augusten Burroughs

Tweet Quote

This uniformed lot hit one of my biggest shames and fears.

Shame?

Yup. Spelling, grammar – I used to hide the dyslexia diagnosis, a year or two ago I wouldn’t even dream of putting this down.

I would tell you privately, never in public. It was my hidden shame. I thought that if I told you, you would think (just like person in the email) that I wouldn’t be good enough. The fear? Being discovered and caught.

I replied to the email. Said thanks for the feedback and that was it.

Some thoughts …

1. When we feel shame we are in fear. Anything you’re hiding?

2. When we aren’t the full expression of who we really are, love is absent.

3. When we give the shitty and shameful parts of us some room to breathe (exposure = vulnerability) we give ourselves the opportunity to let go of the negative grip they have on us. Self love!

4. When we allow the fault picking guards, wardens and militia to rule us and our work/art/projects/ideas, we cannot create and release into the world our unapologetic great work.

5. When we are imprisoned by our own shames and the opinions and judgements from others it prevents us from dropping our own guard. We pay attention to their truth of who they think we are, as opposed to our own.

You’ve got faults, carry on now.

And if you really need help to ignore the naysayers and critics and show up as you in the world there is this.

Your Happiness Is Not An After Thought

Oh, so many miles have been trundled in these hot slippers!

I’m craving a l-o-n-g walk, I’m due a brain-clearing. I’d like a minimum 7 days, 150 miles. Looking at the South West Coast Path or the Pennine Way, both a tad longer.

I was never a long distance walker until one day I just went for a walk.

I long for the silence, to be disconnected and yet fully connected.

I need to light an outdoor fire, sit by it and watch day become night, I need to sleep under canvas, sip wine and just hang out with my mate Ms Nature for a while. I need to feel every muscle in my body ache at the end of the day. I am still a hippy chick at heart. 

I’ve also said four times in the past month that the walk will ‘need to go on the back-burner’ for a little while: work commitments and promises made elsewhere. 

What?

There are no back-burners here. None that I knew about.

I will change the plans.

I will make better promises.

Things can be shuffled.

Needs: your personal needs cannot be queued up at the back.

Never ignore instincts: if they speak, listen up.

When you stop taking care of your own needs you are saying ‘my needs don’t matter’.

Take a moment. Think. Go for a walk. Is there anything that you have been putting on the imaginary back burner that needs to come on the front rings?

This isn’t about ‘finding time to fit it in’, this is about caring for your emotional and mental well-being. What do you need right now? No lectures, say yes to yourself, that’s all.

Choose Yourself

I Choose ME

I remember Indoor Games PE classes at Primary School, we’d all stand in line leaning against the wall bars waiting to be chosen after two class mates were given the task by our teacher to be team leaders. She would flick a coin in the air and shout, ‘Heads or Tails? Tails chooses first’ to decide which team leader got first dibs at picking.

If you were popular that week, you got chosen first

If you were good at games, you got chosen second.

If you had friends in the team, you got chosen third.

If you were a bully, you got chosen forth.

Then it became a hard choice for the selected leaders, they had their team pretty much in place and anything left in the line-up was surplus to requirements. The choosing would slow down. The leaders and those selected up to that point would have a little team-talk-huddle-thing to discuss the leftovers.

From what I remember there was a core group of around 8 children who were always left at the wall bars wishing the process to be over and begging not to be chosen last.

Being a chubby chick let’s just say when it came to springboards, apparatus, wooden horses and climbing ropes I … well … wasn’t great. I could get my legs wrapped around the knot at the bottom of the rope and that was it.

The springboard never seemed to bounce and spring for me like how did for others.

However, when it came to running, I was always chosen first. I couldn’t get my ass over a wooden horse with grace, but I could make it move on a track.

Today I’m wondering what would’ve happened if the Wall Bar Gripper Gang choose to be like Switzerland, an independent team. My imagination is running riot here, it would have been so awesome if it played like one of those Hollywood/Disney movies where the underdogs become the champions.

Are you clinging to wall bars, waiting at the side to be chosen?

Did someone ask you to line up there or did you go there yourself?

Are you waiting to be selected? How’s that working for you?

Yes, I know. You may be thinking choosing yourself is another cookie-cutter sound-bite from self-help-land. I know that you may may be thinking, ‘how the hell can I choose myself when I have no idea who the hell that person is any more!’ (Hint: A great starting point is your values.)

What could happen if you made a decision to appoint yourself? 

What won’t happen if you don’t choose yourself? 

If you aren’t choosing yourself first, what are you rejecting?