Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

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A Reminder: You Are Always the Artist of Your Own Creation

August 29 Dawn

To be who you really are, do what you love to do and make a difference is so simple it does puzzle me that we resist it so much.

See, you are more powerful than you think you are.

You have more power beyond your wildest imagination.

You are free to create.

Cue thoughts of...’I’m not free’ or ‘I have no power’, ‘I can’t create’.

You were born free, powerful and creative. The world has taught you otherwise.

Have you heard the saying ‘your life is a great big canvas, you should throw all the paint you can on it?’

It means that you can create whatever you want to create.

And no, I don’t mean paints and brushes arty-create (although that could be your thing).

If you have a pulse you are a creative being.

Every single moment you are creating.

The canvas is your life. A great big canvas. A great big life.

It’s your masterpiece to the rest of us.

What you throw on it is your choice.

What you display is your choice.

Everything on there is your thoughts, your beliefs, your actions, your values, your words, your commitments.

You have the power to whitewash the entire area and start new pictures.

You can”t undo the past. But you can change how you feel about it. You have the freedom to choose what goes on there. You have the potential to make whatever you want to create. You will never run out of paints. Or the space you have to create.

You may of course create a right old messy splodge at times, that’s okay to, you’re innocent.

You can’t paint today what you want in tomorrow. But you can prepare the tools and colour palette.

That canvas is yours to do with what you want. It’s all yours. Nobody is painting for you.

But yes others will try and direct you to paint what they want your masterpiece to look like.

They can but try.

You are always the artist to your own creation. Always.

5 Things to Practice When It’s All Piling Up + You Feel You’re Going to Break

August 28 Dawn

Life is FABULOUS when it’s…well…going fabulously.

Days, weeks, months can go by and you’re ‘rockin it.

Then something happens. Or a number of things. Stress and strain appear and you don’t feel on top of it anymore: you’re cleaning the house when you’re supposed to be meeting with friends or working, you’re doing a Greta and I vant to be alone, you’re picking wee fights with your nearest and dearies just for the hell of it, sleep is haywire and you are feeling teary-eyed.

What’s up? What’s wrong?

Is there anything wrong or have you just piled your life plate too high?

Before you actually break, try these…

#1 Practice the Art of Zzzzzzzz-ing It More Often

Sleep more.

Obvious? You bet (and a bit rich coming from the night owl). They say (they being Harvard peeps) sleep is needed for your mental and emotional well-being and resilience. So it would make sense that if you aren’t getting enough duvet connection (or need more) that you probably feel like you aren’t being your marvelous self and that tiredness can floor your resilience.

That’s not a chore is it? Sleep.

Warning: this is your mother talking…switch off (you and the gadgets) one hour before bed. And turn off your mobile. The tooth fairy doesn’t come to iPhones and smartphones left under pillows.

Here’s a free wee booklet from the Mental Health Foundation all about sleep.

2# Practice Speaking to Someone

No I don’t mean you have to take a seat in a therapy chair just yet. Have you ever felt strained and stressed, met friends, laughed into your latte and left with everything feeling soooooooooo much better?

Make. The. Darned. Call. Meet. Connect.

And please don’t sit there thinking that you’re the only one who is having a ‘moment’, we all have them. Friends and family can’t help unless you tell them you need help.

You could go further and bring peeps together (who are good for you) for a coffee morning and make a difference at the same time.

3# Practice Writing It Down or Out

What down? The stuff that’s swirling in your head. (You could do it at the coffee morning or in that hour before bed when you’ve switched everything off).

According to mytherapyjournal journalling helps:

Improve physical health and mental well-being
Diminish symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic, substance abuse, PTSD, asthma, arthritis, and many other health conditions and disorders
Improve cognitive functioning
Make therapy more effective
Strengthen the immune system, preventing a host of illnesses
Counteract many of the negative effects of stress
Finally, journaling is for everyone. It just “feels good” to write

Plus it’s always an excuse to buy pretty stationary if like me you are addicted to the smell of notebooks.

4# Practice Taking Time Out

Take your self-care routine to a completely new height. What self-care routine? Um. For you, may I make a suggestion…start one.

Wait. Is self-care a phrase that we can all relate to? Is it another soundbite that we coaches fling about? Okay, then how about this ‘carve some love time for you, you gorgeous thing’.

It’s selfish!

No, it isn’t.

It’s not selfish to show yourself some compassion.

Self-care is not the same as self indulgence.

It doesn’t need to be massive. Oh, before you run a bath, pour yourself a glass of wine and open a family size chocolate bar of Galaxy please note that ‘random acts of being good to yourself’ won’t sustain you long term.

Deeper please. This needs deeper work.

If things are becoming strained and you’ve been feeling it for a while, take the hint. Something needs done. Parent yourself, put yourself on the make believe naughty step for a while, but call it something different ‘chill kerb’ or ‘sanity step’. And then return there often.

No, I’m not going to add a list of self-care things you can do, because it will be my list. But I could ask you these questions:

What sustains you?
When do you feel deprived?
What do you need more of in your life?
What are you hungry for?
What keeps you healthy?
What causes stress and strain for you?
What is not your job?
Where do you practice compassion (for you)?
Where would you go if you took a 24 hour break?
What would you do if you took a 24 hour break?
Who can you really talk to about how you feel?

5# Practice Reducing What’s Piled Up

For a while, or for good.

If you’ve piled it too high it makes perfect sense it’s going to topple. What falls could be something important so who not reduce it yourself?

Am I talking about prioritising? More than that. What don’t you need on your plate? What’s there that doesn’t belong to you?

More time in that journal again might be good here. Write down everything you do in a day (or what’s going on with you that is becoming a strain). Ask yourself what can be reduced or what would happen if you gave it up or passed it to someone else.

Now, you can resist this if you want to. And yes, I know you could be responsible for everything (a solo business owner?). But can I ask you, what have you made a habit?

Discipline yourself.

Boundaries.

Say no.

Condition yourself into developing new habits.

Me: I don’t need to have Twitter, Facebook, Linkedin and all the rest open while I’m working. No, I don’t need to answer email as soon as it comes in. Yes, I can say ‘I can’t take that on right now’ or ‘Sounds great, can we talk about it in a couple of weeks’. No, the dogs don’t need a 4 hour walk every day. I don’t have to allow oooooooooooverwhelm into my life.

Make a wee promise with yourself that you’re important, that the stress and strain isn’t good for you. It all begins with baby steps and then please keep walking. No point in doing things once or twice and let it all that stress build up again.

Practice self-care. Practice sleep. Practice talking about you really feel. Practice saying no. Practice being with people who know and love you (and make you laugh). Practice journaling.

Go.

You’ve got this.

What about you? What steps do you take (or now practice) when you feel it all becoming too much?

Read These When You Want to Go Deeper Than the ‘What Do I Want’ Question

August 20 Dawn

You’re asking yourself ‘what do I really want?’. You are at the point where the answers such as ‘I want a new car, a new job, a nice relationship, someone to love, a holiday, a new kitchen, lost 5lbs by New Year’ aren’t doing it for you any more.

You want deeper questions.

Okay. Here you go. Confusion and uncertainty is quite normal. You are very welcome. You can download them all as a pdf at the bottom.

There’s these three…

who am I?

why am I here?

what is my purpose?

And then these…

what experience do you want?

what can you create today?

what games do you no longer want to play in your life?

where are you using your power and potential to limit yourself?

what rules have you made for your life that need broken?

where have you given up or given over your power?

what does it look and feel like when you have control over your own life?

what gifts do you not need to convince yourself you have?

what talents are you hiding from yourself and the world?

what’s a better way than this way?

what day will you reclaim your personal power?

where is joy and happiness located for you?

what screwed up thoughts need to be let go?

what silly games do you keep setting up for yourself?

what game plan are you working that is not good enough for you anymore?

what will it take to get back to your true potential?

what truth do you need to admit to teach you who you really are?

when do you talk about what is real for you?

where are you fooling yourself?

where have you deceived yourself most?

when have you loved yourself the most?

what have you gained when you have spoken your truth?

how many questions have you skipped?

what are you not listening to but hearing?

how do you want to know yourself?

what are you going to choose from you from this moment forward?

what have you stopped practicing even though it’s good for you?

where do you get your excitement from in your life (except relationships)?

where are you performing the act of wandering, why?

when did you last make any kind of transformation?

what are you ordering for your life just by your thoughts?

what are you going through today that you set up and don’t want?

what are you creating that you don’t want?

what best lessons in life do you need to remind yourself you own?

where have run from uncomfortable but you know you need to stand there for a time?

when you have felt disorientation and confusion because you were scared?

when you see other ways do you take them?

what are you setting up for tomorrow?

what truth are you teaching yourself that’s not true?

where are you pretending you are limited?

where are you throwing your personal power back into the past?

where are not feeling what you truthfully feel?

what needs more feeling?

where do you think you are different and separate?

where do you need to change what you’re looking for?

what would you like to do or see different?

what do you really really want, how are you asking?

Want the questions?

Your wish is granted.

Download the questions above as a pdf file, just point that little mouse over the image on the right and then right-click, then save. Boom.

Just Because You Remember It, Is It True?

August 3 Dawn

Stories4

Over thirty plus summers ago my folks took my sister and I to the Safari Park for the day.

Like most of these places you drive around the park and then you eventually get out the car to get up close and personal with other animals, the ones that don’t have a natural instinct to eat you.

Lions, tigers and bears…oh my.

It was a scary and scarring day.

The park was school holiday busy and I remember my sister had just stopped crying due to a giraffes attempt to eat her plastic strawberry hair bobbles popping out from her under her neat ribbons, which I had found very funny and couldn’t stop laughing about.

Then.

Smile wiped.

I remember a massive commotion. I remember staff rushing about. Lions had escaped and were coming our way. I remember being put in a small cage as everything was brought under control. I remember being with boy about my age and my folks saying, ‘stay there, it’s just for a little while’.

I remember them leaving me, the boy screaming and then the lions. I remember being terrified and the people that cared for me had gone, taking their first born with ribbons in her hair with them.

Me? Caged for four hours.

Here’s the thing…

That memory?

All. A. Pack. Of. Lies.

Well, more a little mix up between reality and imagination. How it got in there I have no idea, it was real for me for nearly thirty-five years until one day I went to visit my folks.

I had been running a group that day and I told them, ”That horrible trip to the Safari Park came up today…’ and on I went reminding them about the scary experience I thought we had all shared as a family.

The room hushed, I looked up from dinner and I caught my Mum and Dad doing that parental eye thing they do with one another, which basically means, ‘What the hell is she talking about now?’

Eventually my Dad caught up.

Thank you Dad.

But he remembers it a tad differently.

Apparently…

A wolf was being moved to a different part of the park. Apparently the staff asked if we would stand behind metal barriers. Apparently I was lifted up and placed behind the barriers for safety because I was little. Apparently my folks were behind me, holding me back from going to pet the wolf because I was so excited. Apparently the boy beside me was crying, but not (according to the Memory of Dad Archie) at the wolf. He’d dropped an ice cream and he ‘wasn’t getting another one’ which caused a right old scene. The wolf was tame, and some of the older children were allowed to say nip up and say hello. It was over in five minutes.

My Dad then said, ‘we should’ve kept quiet and we would have heard how you saved the boy and wrestled the crocodiles in a few years time’.

I have ceased with the story. Well, it’s become this one instead.

Oh, how we chortled.

Then my dad said, ‘What else have we done to screw your life up, any other memories in there that need reviewed?’

Um.

Well.

What about the day I fell into the canal and nearly drowned?

Dad: It was a puddle beside the canal, and the dog pushed you over, you fell in the puddle nose first.

Feck.

Up all these stories came. And the explanation of what really happened (unless they are lying to me now, no surely not). Parents? I know you stalk this website.

We both know that memories can become distorted and mixed up.

We both know that we can create different memories to what actually happened.

We both know that memories are changed every time we think about them.

Ever been dumped or ended a not so hot relationship, at the time of the experience both of you shared 50/50 in all that went on and when it finished you re-wrote the memories? Well, that didn’t go according to my rules, maps, script and view of the world, therefore I will use my incredibly powerful imagination to do a little bit of a re-write so I can put 100% of the blame on them. There we go. That’s better. Now, who can I tell the new story to?

Our imagination is a wonderful place to play in.

It can also be a place where we create legends, myths and hearsay.

Just because we are remembering, doesn’t mean to say it’s true.

Here’s an idea, maybe when you’re playing over a memory, it might be worth you raising your own eyebrow and asking yourself, ‘does this need reviewed now?’ Question it with ‘is this the truth, or is this the truth as I perceive it to be’?

What freedom.

“Just because I remember it, is it true?”

Should Have. Could Have. Didn’t. Whoops.

August 2 Dawn

happy There is so much in my past that perhaps I should have done.

I don’t think I’m alone here, that others (maybe even you) have trundled the ‘should’ve, could’ve, didn’t, whoops’ path. Am I? AM I?

Let’s see…

Perhaps I should have stayed on the train and went to the college that I really wanted to go to but I didn’t. I got off and came back because I met the ‘love of my life’ a week before. Yeah, that worked out, well it did work out, I suppose that is true.

I maybe should have said ‘thanks for the meal but I don’t think we are right for each other’ but I didn’t, I ended up inviting them to live with me. What was I thinking? Was I even there at the point that decision? Whoops!

I maybe should have researched the ‘needs renovated’ paragraph from the Estate Agents particulars on the house I bought but I didn’t. Still renovating. Eight years later. But the garden is nice. I bought a garden.

I perhaps should have walked away from a few projects sooner because my heart wasn’t in them and I was only getting involved to please others but I didn’t.

Yeah. Well. Done now. Gone.

Should Have. Could Have. Didn’t.

What a laugh, we know we can’t go back and choose differently and yet we may insist on replaying the entire experiences over and over as if it’s going to change the outcomes?

It was so bad, I know, for fun I will keep reliving and retelling it, that’ll make so much better. That’s such a good idea!

If you’re looking backwards at some of your finer moments of whoopsies, mistakes, errors, guilts, regrets, what-if’s, should have, could have, missed opportunities and pain. Fear is doing double cartwheels. Celebrating. It loves it.

Why? Because it knows you are in the now, ordering from the past, projecting into the future. That’s hysterical!

And the biggie in all this is: if fear is dining at your table, feasting on your guilt, you sure as hell ‘ain’t partying and getting on down with love. It’s not even invited.

Have you ever been in a heated conversation with someone and they have pointed the finger at you? How did it feel? I can picture an old boss. They feared people with their finger pointing. That is my should voice. It’s angry. It’s in my face. No compassion. No forgiveness. All blame.

Soooooooo…

Oh no wait, can I say this… I take 100% full responsibility for all that I should have done but didn’t…em…now. But for a long time that wasn’t the case. I would look under the bed for people to blame.

If you’re kicking yourself and beating yourself up over what you should have done in the past, feeling guilty, tell me, is that self-love or self-loathing?

Heck it doesn’t even need to be a big life event. Last night I sent an update/newsletter with last weeks Subject line, I forgot to change it. I forgot. Forgot. Forgot. What happens? A moment of insanity ‘I should have checked that, folks will think I don’t care’.

That’s insane.

That’s not the truth, the truth is I forgot.

‘Twas promptly fixed with another thought which was ‘Dawn, get a life.’

If you constantly repeat the same I-should-have-done-this-love-me-please-here’s-where-I-went-wrong-story in order to use it to manipulate another into liking or accepting you now, do you love yourself in that moment, or is it fear?

Does it mean we don’t share stories? Heck no. Stories connect us. How do you know if you are telling or still writing? I can only speak for myself and it’s how I feel. The difference? Well, when I own it, it’s love (and I’m laughing), and if I feel fear (maybe coming up as guilt, shame, anger, regret, embarrassment, bitterness), it still owns me.

Ditching your shoulds

Or should that really be ditching the guilt you hold about your past and continue to punish yourself with today?

I think it starts with awareness and willingness.

The awareness being should is a delightful feast for fear.

The willingness is you not wanting to live in fear.

Right, something to try:

Or not. Whatever. I’m in and playing. Practicing. Life long sport. Because should is crafty bugger, and comes up all the time. Last night?

Catch for one week all the shoulds that come out your mouth. And for bonus points: if you are aware of a thought that pops up, catch that also.

When you notice them, the first thing to say or think (this is mine, so feel free to change) ‘that’s completely insane!’

Laugh. (This part takes practice.)

Then ask yourself this question:

Why?

Aside: a lot of peeps get into a sticky place with this should-ing undoing. They go straight for the ‘well, I should feed the kids’ or ‘I should take the dog to the vet’. In my experience, they are fighting themselves. Go beyond the obvious, and who are you fighting with exactly? If you wanted it then may I suggest you change the word should to want or choose to. It changes everything.

Next (after asking yourself why) notice if the answer is from fear or love.

Eh?

Quick example…

I should say I’m sorry. Why? Because it’s gone on long enough. It was my error. I caused the pain deliberately as the words came out my mouth. I can correct it. Example of Love.

I should say I’m sorry. Why? Because they may not like me anymore. I need them as a friend. I can’t imagine my life without them. They are angry at me. Example Of Fear.

Would it be fair to say we pretty much use the fear should-ing more than the love one?

You can if you want call yourself out by going a little deeper with the why, it could look like:

Why must I be liked and loved? Why do I fear people not liking me?
Why do I need them as a friend? What is it in them I don’t feel I have myself?
Why do I think I can’t live without them? Where did I learn that? What has happened on the past where I felt lonely and alone?
Why do I feel responsible for another persons anger? Why do I find it hard to deal with the strong emotions in others, when I am not responsible for how they feel?

Deep right? This isn’t therapy nor do we have hours together so here’s one thing to try:

You may choose to practice changing the word should to want or choose to. Simple, huh?

I should have explained this better.

Becomes.

I wanted to explain this better.

“Yes, that is what I wanted to do. This is what I can do right now. I don’t have all the answers. I wanted to share why should-ing is from fear. And we can undo it if we want to. I can come back later and change it”

See the difference?

What about the big life should’ve stuff?

Same idea. But here’s a thought…sometimes we have to start smaller than we think. Sometimes we want to dive in and head for the most painful situation and ‘fix’ that first. Um, I don’t know about you but I learned to swim in the shallow end. Once I could swim there, built up enough confidence, when I was no longer scared of the water and knew that I could be in there with no fear, then I approached the deep end.

Start with the small should-ing is my advice. Then work up to bigger stuff of undoing the guilt from the should’ve, could’ve but didn’t big stuff. It’ll be easier because you will have already been practicing on the smaller.