Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

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Fear, Lions, Tigers, Bears and Ice Cream

I used to be fearful of the dark, or so I thought!  

Around the age 13-14, I could be found scuttling from lamppost to tree: my heart would pound, I’d be sweating, my brain conjuring up images of all the nasty things that could happen, oh they were dark, dark, dark times.

I would launch out my skin (bizarre play on words there) at the slightest rustle, movement or scratchy noise.  I’d crisscross streets and walked in the middle of roads to avoid open gates! Oh, brr, I’m getting the shivers even now.

How powerful our brains are: I’m having an experience: an emotional and physical  response to something that happened years ago, it’s only a memory, it’s not happening this moment, but my brain (dammit) remembers!

We lived at the ‘top’ of the ‘scheme’ (that’s a posh Scottish name for housing estate)…lamp posts were few and far between, and to tell you the truth they weren’t that bright.  (Aside: why do we have orange streetlights, is there a reason for that, would white not be better, answers on a postcard please to…)

This fear went on for years, then in one night it ceased. What happened?

Fast forward to 1995, I traipsed across the pond to the States (Boston) to become a dogsbody, sorry camp counsellor for children (I’m joking, it was great, loved it, wouldn’t do it again though, wait, for a million pounds you say…)

Just before the children arrived we ‘Brits’ had to be inducted and part of ‘duct-ing’ was an Adventure/Skills/Beat the Lions, Tigers and Bears 3 day Boot camp affair.  It was (apparently) to be a gruelling, tough, wilderness adventure, no contact with the outside world, remote, an emotional and physically taxing experience  – mmm, we thought it was at first, until we heard the distant, then nearer, then very close clear crispy chimes from an ice cream van, then we realised we were actually on a rather nice 5* campsite!  They thought they had fooled us by taking us in the back entrance.

The ‘Commander’ assigned to our ice cream loving group was non other than a living, breathing, talking, and walking Action Man who thought he was leading up an SAS mission!

The first night on ‘campout’ we had a spot of improvisational theatre, acting out the Blair Witch Wimp Project at his request: just like the father in Hansel in Gretel (minus the sweets to find our way back) he led us into the woods, dumped us, and then told us we had to return one at a time (20 minute intervals apart) back to ‘base camp’.

Now, as this was my first night with a group of strangers there was no way I had disclosed my ‘hidden fears’, we were still at the social/group ‘norming’ stage, you know, niceties, pleasantries and talk of the very small variety!

Here’s what happened…

I walked back to ‘base camp’, in the pitch black, alone. Instant belief change.

I know! Weird eh?  How?  This is the technique I used, ready? You don’t need a pen…

Before I give it to you: as I set off and took those first steps into pitch blackness my thoughts were all over the place:

‘you’ll get mugged’, ‘no you won’t walk’, ‘someone will steal you’, ‘who’s going to steal you’, ‘you’re ‘gonna cry soon’, ‘just say you can’t do it’, ‘no, don’t do that someone will laugh’, ‘just run’, ‘don’t do that, you’ll fall, noone will find you for days’

that sort of thing.

Have you ever noticed that? The conflicting voices or thoughts that wake up when at the point of breaking through a fear are heightened!   It’s a horrible ‘mental space’ to be in.  I call it the Uncertain Memento or the Indecisive Minute.  Do I? Don’t I? Will I? Won’t I?

Right the technique.  Ready?

When you’re thoughts are overwhelming you: when they are conflicting, noisy, full of advice and YOU can’t think straight or decide which thought to go with…stop, breathe and say to yourself  ‘shut the f*ck up’!

That’s a technique? Yep! Then…

Manage your own thoughts.  How?

Okay, back to the walk in the woods, when you stop the thought (using abovementioned technique) you have created space in your head to really listen, you relax, and (with practice) you can hold onto that calm, peaceful state.  You control what you think, always.  You’re smart, you’ve more than enough mental capacity to create states that are good for you.

An example: public speaking, that fear is renowned and yet the ‘nervous’ speaker makes it a thousand times worse by saying or even thinking:

  • I’m ‘nervous’
  • I’m going to dry up
  • I’m shaky, sweating
  • I can’t speak in front of people

Then on top of those are the other thought streams…

  • It’ll be fine
  • Ill be okay
  • I can do this

Talk about mismatch! By the time they get onto the podium they genuinely are confused, rattled, incoherent, lost and spaced out, then the talk/speech is the same!  All their own doing.  Their subconscious has no idea how it should be instructing them to behave, too many conflicting messages.

Stop, breathe (breathing is good you know!), deep breathe in, and slow breathe out.  Pause your thoughts.  Focus on the internal dialogue not the fear itself.  There is nothing in life we cannot overcome; there is NO fear bigger than you.  None.

Maybe like what I did, you have convinced yourself that YOUR fear (because it’s YOURS and noone else’s) is so very real.  It’s not.  The only thing that is real is your thoughts and your emotional and physical reaction to those thoughts. 

Okay, suppose you have a ‘fear of flying’, what is the truth?  Are you frightened of flying or is the truth you are frightened of crashing: the wings falling off, sticking your head between your knees as you make an emergency landing into some shark invested waters?  In order to overcome fear, we have to be genuine and honest to ourselves, and acknowledge the truth.

And my last note about fear, lampposts and wilderness walks.  Here’s what I DID learn that night…

Up until my GI Jane moment, I was living someone else’s fear: my mums.

Who to this day still says ‘you walked in the DARK, WHAT alone?’ (with verbal emphasis on the capitalisations) and the clanger ‘you don’t know WHAT can happen in the dark’.  Her fears, not mine, I’ll put in the therapy bill at some point, my Dad’s had his, only fair.

The truth for me was, I was never actually frightened of the dark, I was fearful of what could happen in the dark.  This was based on ‘fake evidence’ I had gathered through my formative years that turned into beliefs: parents telling me to ‘be careful’, media, my peers as we told ‘horror’ stories in the dark.

In order to breakthrough and let go of a fear, you don’t need to know where they came from. 

If you’ve collected so called ‘truths’ that are stopping you, start questioning them.  Who gave you them?  Did they give you them in good faith?  Are they true?  Are you’re thoughts your own or hand me downs?

You may have needed the hand me down beliefs at one time in life, but not as an independent adult.  Time to give them back, return them to their rightful owner!

Have you overcome a huge fear? 

How did you do it? 

Feel free to leave a comment below

 

Social Media Tips for Your Career

Social Media is hot! And in the near future it’s not going to be cooling down: Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, You Tube, WordPress…how can they benefit your career?

Facebook alone there are:

More than 550 million active users (and 170 MILLION business pages…that’s important for your career) 

50% of users log on to Facebook in any given day 

Average user has 130 friends 

People spend over 700 billion minutes per month on Facebook! 

Leveraging the Power of Social Media for Your Career, is about using all the popular platforms to ensure you’re visable, networking, sharing, building credibility, connecting and creating awareness to the people that you want to matter or otherwise known as marketing and branding yourself!

1. Make sure that you use the privacy settings available – a ‘checking employer’ doesn’t need to see what you got up to last Saturday night!

2. Use Google Alerts or Social Mention to quickly discover the jobs/positions that are available in your field.

3. Set yourself up a blog. What, you? Yes, and blog about the industry you wish to enter. Write a couple of articles about your industry.

4. Ask for introductions or introduce yourself to people you want to connect with. What benefits are there to knowing you?

5. Brand all your pages. Keep the same ‘personality’ on them all.

6. Use the Facebook ‘Friends List’ if needed on Facebook, to ensure your status updates are being seen by the right people.

7. Comment and have conversations with the people you are connected with. It is called social media for a reason.

If you can get to Edinburgh on the 6th December, and you would like help with your career, please accept my invite to a free seminar ‘How to Market Yourself a New Career’ click on the link for full details.

Courage is Not The Absence of Fear

Courage isn’t the absence of fear.

It’s the strength to be whom and what you are, in spite of the fear! Here are tips to develop courage and release the fears that block you:

1. Acknowledge the fear. Don’t make excuses and name it something else. You can’t defeat or move through your fear if you don’t acknowledge it’s existence. You can fault somebody else, you can call it inconceivable or you can simply admit that you’re afraid. Once you acknowledge that fear is in operation, you can start to alter it.

For example: have you ever said ‘I hate speaking in public’? Is the true fear something else? Such as ‘I hate being judged?’…just a thought.

2. Acquire understanding from the fear. What are you founding the fear on? Choose to see a richer truth. We feel fear when we trust the lies that our ego is telling us. We believe what we have swallowed as truth either consciously or unconsciously.

For example: fear interviews? Have you had one ‘negative’ experience? Is one time enough evidence to form a truth? 

3. Dedicate to courage. Announce the deeper truth. Persistently reprogram yourself for success and brave actions. Remember that eminent love and great accomplishments demand great risk.

Reprogramming is not ‘instant’ – sorry but it’s not, others will try and sell it! Because they pray on out fears. It’s got to become habit. 

4. Confront the fear. Sense the fear and do it anyhow. Respect your courage. Take action.

5. Respect yourself every time you face a fear. Particularly the little ones. When you have admitted its only fear keeping you back, you can proceed through it.

To conquer fear: every now and then, take that first step, nothing can change from standing still.

Assertiveness – The Rights

As I’m putting the final touches to the December Assertiveness Training Course, I’m reminded of the assertiveness rights.  As far as I’m aware they orginally came from Manuel J Smiths book ‘When I Say No I Feel Guilt’.

Here you go:

 You have the RIGHT

…to be treated with respect and as an equal human being

…to grow, develop and change not just today but every day

…not to get involved in my problems if you choose

…to be an individual

…to live your life as you choose, without approval or judgement

…not to feel guilty when you’re being honest about how you feel ...to take full responsibility, accountability for the consequences of your own behaviour and actions

…to choose who is in your life and the relationships you form with them

…to express your own feelings and opinions

…to live many roles in your life, in each you’re independent, you can make your own choices and choose how you want to behave

…to say NO and mean it (and say YES and mean it), if you then decide to change your mind, you have this right also

…to express your needs, wants and wishes and state what you want (howeverI know you have the right not to say yes.) 

…to lead a happy, successful, safe life 

…to privacy and dignity 

…to state and choose when to be alone 

…to make your own choices  and make mistakes and never fear the consequences 

…to seek help and support 

…to live without fear, violence, bullying and other abusive behaviours 

…to ‘be human’ and all that entails

Books on Assertiveness 

A Woman In Your Own Right Anne Dickson Quartet ISBN 0-7043-3420-8

When I Say No I Feel Guilty Manuel J Smith Bantam Books ISBN 0-553-02268-7

Assert Yourself Gael Lindenfield Thorson ISBN 0-7225-2652-0

Self Esteem Gael Lindenfield Thorson ISBN 0-7225-3017-X

Games People Play Eric Berne Penguin ISBN 0-14-002768-8

What Do You Say After You Say Hello? Eric Berne Corgi ISBN 0-532-09806-X

I’m Ok, You’re Ok Thomas A Harris Arrow ISBN 0-09-955241 -8

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway Susan Jeffers Century ISBN 0-7126-2555-0

You can buy these books here,

How to Rewire Your Brain for Success, Got a Shovel?

C’mon Brain Give Up Your Secrets!

The brain fascinates and keeps me curious.

Being a trainer I’m intrigued about the impact of learning on the brain: I’m a huge supporter of brain based and accelerated learning, committed to creating ‘environments’ where all can learn, and the more I delve deep, the more I wish the brain would give up it’s secrets, a little amount, at least in my lifetime!

Looking back over brain research over the past 100 years, it’s amazing what was once taken as fact is now classed as complete baloney.  I can’t believe the way we treated the brain.  For people experiencing mental health illness in the past 100 years this ‘treatment’ was horrendous.

Did You Know This…

The Taub Therapy Clinic  (University of Birmingham, Alabama) has been reseaching and treating people who have experienced a stroke with CI Therapy (Constraint Inducement Therapy.)  Ya, what?

In brief: they have been treating people who have had a stroke by ‘disabling’ their ‘good’ limbs or  strapping them down (well, it’s probably more medical than ‘strapping’!)

And the result is: the severely damaged (note: I used damaged, not broken) brain starts to re-wire and re-boot itself, the brain finds a navigates a different route so that the person begins to use the limbs affected by the stroke. 

Scientists discovered that by denying the person the ability to access their ‘good’ limbs increased the chances of the brain finding an alternative pathway…a rewire!

You see, on the side which is limited in movement, everything is still in working order (it’s ready to go) but the signals or messages from the brain are not getting through because of the damage left by the stroke.

I can’t even imagine how frustrating that must be for the individual, however, the best part is the Taub Centres success rate, which is an astounding 95%!

The Brain Always Takes the Easiest Route

Why Tie Up the ‘Good’ Limbs?

Simple, our brains always take the EASIEST route!

I didn’t say the most ‘always the most beneficial route to you’, I said the easiest!

The easiest route for the person who has suffered a stroke is the pathways currently working  or the strongest wiring.

(As a trainer, this is awesome, it’s another great example of the saying ‘Use It, or Lose It’)

And this ‘easy way’ is not just happening to people who have had a stroke, brains seek the simplest and easiest route…always!

Here’s An A-ha Moment

Could this be the reason why we can write our goals easily, however, reaching them is (generally) considered tougher than writing them down?    Why do some of us start a goal or go down a specific path of action and quickly resort back to the old behaviours and habits?

What’s needed?

A re-wiring in the brain, shutting down the old paths and firing up and new ones.

How, though?

We’ll get to that…

For example: imagine someone who is sitting in a car and hasn’t learned to drive.  They know everything works yet it cannot be driven because their brain has not made any ‘wiring’ about how to drive a car!

The brain needs to learn the information first, wire it in (connect all the dots) deep, only then will the brain know how to drive and send messages to the different parts of the body, telling it what to do.

What about someone who has set a goal to lose weight: they know it can be done, they have the power, resources and ability (they have probably proof, a part of the wiring in place already if they have been around someone who has lost weight.)

Why do many resort back to over eating? Because the brain has not rewired itself, the easiest route is to eat!

What about fear? Again, (I’d say the majority of us) do everything to avoid the things we fear the most, which makes sense, we need to deconstruct the old wiring first!

The bizarre thing is we all know that to deconstruct the wiring of the fear is do what you fear the most!

Why?  You’ll create the new path (new programme), you’ll be re-wiring your own brain.

How about changing career? Again many take the easiest route…they do what’s simplest or most comfortable, not because they don’t have the ability to do something else because we haven’t a created a new pathway.

Which is why many change ‘job’ and not the career!  Same crap, different wallpaper!

Is this why our confidence levels go up and down.  We have a wiring of where we are confident in life and where we aren’t.  The goal is to make the path to the most confident you the strongest, creating a pathway so strong it overrides all others.

The dominant wiring has to be you, being the most confident you.

Think about this deeply, you can see this happening everywhere…

For some people losing weight, they may take a huge step (perhaps Gastric Bypass Surgery) and remove from their life the easiest route (eating), in doing so, the brain has to re-wire itself.

For some people dependant on drugs and alcohol, they remove the easiest route (easy access to substances) and perhaps live for months in an environment where they are forbidden to use.

What about a life full of fear?

Fears are unique to the person and can cover millions of fears.  I’ve been working with someone recently who is fearful of never being loved by a significant other.  How does that become rewired? We cannot create or demand a person love us: but can we re-wire the fear?

What about the fear of never ‘making something of their life, dying with regret’ can that be re-wired?

Basically, the internal fears, limiting thought patterns, beliefs and habits are they harder to re-wire?

I have to say no, they aren’t harder.

Whatever we want to re-wire we must remember the brain likes the easiest route.  To change anything  the easiest route is to say ‘it’s just to hard to re-wire’, we probably wouldn’t say that, it would more ‘I tried to, but it didn’t work’ or ‘I failed’ or ‘I’m just not good enough’.

Create New Pathways.  How? 

You could use coaching, hypnosis, counselling, CBT, NLP.

Finding someone who doesn’t have the same wiring as you?  (The more you confirm that your wiring is right, the stronger it gets, making it harder to re-wire.  Have you not liked someone very much, friends disclosed to you they didn’t either and before you know it you hate them with a passion?)

We all know that easiest way to conquer anxiety and phobias is to do what we fear the most, like the individuals above who had experienced a stroke, their treatment must have caused such pain.  But they gave themselves no choice but to push through the pain and fear.

Here’s a thought…

To deconstruct anything, it’s simple case of taking it apart, piece by piece:

Take one of your fears

  • What evidence do you have that the fear is wired?
  • Picture yourself carrying out the fear you once had successfully.
  • Keep playing the picture over and over again.
  • Only see, think, feel, be success.



In a Negative State? Interrupt It…

Have you ever accomplished anything in a negative state of mind? Did you get anywhere?

  • Do you ever stop for a second and ask yourself ‘what state am I in?’
  • Do you think it is possible to change your state of mind instantly?
  • Is it possible to interrupt your own state, so that you can change your negative state in to a more resourceful one?

If your on the fence, here’s something that may help…

Pattern Interrupts (A Very Brief Intro)

What are they?

It’s an abrupt interrupt (movement, gesture, words): which allows a break in a persons negative state or pattern, the breaking  then allows space for the person to be more open to suggestion.

Here’s an example, can you watch this little advert…it really does do a pattern interrupt very well!

Love it?

Most parents in that situation would not use that tactic to quieten a child having a tantrum! (Or would you?)

If you’re a parent you probably know how challenging it can be to get the attention of a child while in this state.  Easy?  How about when they are crying after hurting themselves? What a state, huh?

The adult in this video does an excellent job of interrupting the negative state of the child.  You can tell by the confused look on his face.  Pattern interrupts ‘stop’ people in negative states, bring them out of that state, by doing so they are so confused, they lose their train of thoughts, it’s hard for them to return to that same original state.

In the video, the breaking of state by the child would mean he would be more open to the suggestions of the adult.  Saying to the child ‘Put it back’ wouldn’t have worked before the state change, but it would a better chance after she interrupted his state.

How Patterned are Your Arguements?

A while back I was having the ‘patterned’ arguement with my beloved.

We were walking down the busiest street in Edinburgh and both of us were in a state of ‘I’m right, you are so very wrong’.  Not much listening going on.  No backing down.

The ‘pattern’ or habit we had created for our arguements would have normally went: argue, argue, argue, huff, tutt, walk off, not speak for an hour, sorry, sorry, whats for tea?

However the pattern and negative states were interrupted…

There was a group of  people wearing t-shirts that had splattered on the front ‘Free Hugs Here’, a man from the group came up to me and said ‘We’re giving away free hugs today, would you like one, no?’

(I don’t know if he was actually aware he pattern interrupted me with that sentence, but anyway…)

Of course I said yes! Hugs rock, even from a stranger!

The point being,  my partner and I both had experienced a state change: an interruption in our ‘arguement’ pattern.  After the ‘hugs’ we couldn’t go back to the heightened negative state.  They had unconsciously taken us from a negative state into a more neutral one.  In this neutral state we were at least able to hear what each other was saying!

Your day to day habits can be useful.  You have the amazing ability to carry out tasks with your brain on automatic pilot, able to tune out what isn’t important from your conscious mind. Some things you don’t have to think about, which is useful! Can you imagine not having any patterns and learn everything from scratch each morning?

Negative States and Paying Attention

However certain patterns can also be harmful to you.  When you live your life just using patterns, you stop paying attention, you can miss vital information, close down your minds to other ideas and suggestions.

You can be the child in the advert all day long.  Never coming out the pattern.  Have you ever had days, weeks, months in the same state?

Okay, if ever you find yourself in a negative, unresourceful, limiting state or you’re around others in that state, how can you interrupt it?

Here’s a couple of ideas:

  • Write down or at least be aware of, when you are in a negative state.  Acknowledge it’s exisitence, but don’t dwell on it.
  • If you can identify times when they exist for you before they happen (warning though, when you’re writing them down, be aware your state will change, remind yourself that this is an exercise).
  • Work out ways you can interrupt the pattern or state when it arises.
  • You can interrupt your own patterns.  The key is to always be aware of how you’re feeling.  State change can happen instantly, may take practise.

If you think you’re experiencing a ‘negative state’, are you able to ask yourself two questions:

  • ‘What state am I in at this moment?’
  • ‘Why am I feeling this way right now?’
  • ‘What can I do this moment to change my state?’

The goal is to interrupt the ‘state’ or pattern so that you are open to other suggestions.