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3 Ways to Deal with Drama Kings and Queens

June 13 Dawn

I know someone who creates a drama out everything that doesn’t go her way.

She thrives on creating ‘a scene’ and doesn’t stop until someone is paying full attention to her, and only her needs.

Maybe you know someone just like her? At work or in your personal life.

I’ve witnessed this person leave others utterly speechless with their emotional explosions, and sometimes it’s not noise and mayhem she creates, she can change the mood of a room, and even a party, with her coldness and silence.

In the past I’ve had to mentally prepare myself before I made a visit to her home: just in case the day I picked a drama was occurring, brewing or had just passed.

Remove them from my life?

No, I love them, it’s only a behaviour I don’t like. They do have some wonderful other qualities.

When someone is continually sucking you into their life drama, how can you stay apart from it and still be there for them?
How can you care and not allow someone else’s drama to become yours?
How can you create a safe relationship where both sides are equal, even if one person doesn’t think the needs of the other are important?
Can we?

Here’s my thoughts:

I think we can. But I also know (from the experience above) that we also need to protect and respect ourselves. Because maybe one day the drama will stop. I’m a big girl, I wish they valued another’s needs like they do their own, but for now they don’t.

#1 Stay off the Stage

The drama queens and kings like nothing better than to include people in their performance. You don’t have to take part; you don’t need to step onto that stage with them. Watch from the balcony, as soon as you start paying attention to the drama or the performance, pull yourself back to your seat.

Ask yourself: what can I do to help (not rescue) this person right now? Then do it. That may include walking away.

Ask yourself: what are they getting from this drama? Are they trying to tell me something that they can’t manage right now?

Ask yourself: what do I need right now? And do it. Nothing states anywhere you have to watch.

#2 Remember It’s Not Your Show

I’ll admit it’s difficult watching and listening to my friend going through the ‘dramas’, there’s a part of me that thinks ‘why do you do this to yourself?’ I know the answer: they are getting something from it. Play it cool. Don’t fuel their emotions with your own.

Whatever their reasons (which they will have) know it’s not your play, it’s not your story.

Be honest with the review. If you don’t like a behaviour say so, you can do this and still respect the other person. You could try:

“When (insert the behaviour) it makes me feel (insert the feeling), I would prefer it if you would (insert the desired behaviour).

Of course, they don’t have to listen. But if they don’t, that says a lot more.

#3 Bring Down The Curtain – Boundaries

All relationships have boundaries.

And these boundaries will be a different person to person. If you were a coach you would have fixed boundaries: the lines you never cross. Can friendships have the same? I think so.

Another friend of mine is always late. Not once in 16 years, they have never been on time, ever.

We do laugh at the time she traveled the world for a year and missed the last flight back to Edinburgh from London. We have boundaries now, the wait will be no more than half an hour. Give her time to be who she is, and us both a cut off point.

Boundaries keep you safe. So before an interaction with the dramatist:

Protect yourself for each interaction. Know what you will tolerate, and what you won’t. In coaching we agree times, perhaps you agree with the drama queen a ‘free reign’ of time, and that’s it?
Do what’s in your best interest and theirs. If you can’t listen, say so. If you need to create some space, create it.
Tell them what you will and won’t tolerate. And then know what you will do if it’s crossed. And stick to it.

Your Turn

I asked the same question on Facebook: some would ignore, but what about you how do you deal with people who create a drama out of everything? Do you?

Monday Morning Pep Talk: When You Hear The Words No

June 11 Dawn

I’ve done it too. I’ve had a dream and then before I even got past, ‘Wow, that’s so possible for me’: barriers were raised, resistance is reared and the dream is quickly extinguished.

I believe we spend far too much time with voices in our heads that do not belong to us.

Parents, teachers, friends, primary care givers — whoever, when you hear the word ‘No’, or ‘Not possible’, is it your own voice and truth, or does it belong to someone else?

Try this:

For every single ‘not possible’ or ‘I can’t’ or ‘I’ll never be able to’, and so on.

Simply, ask yourself ‘Says who’? Easy.

Examples:

I can’t do that. Says who?

I’m too fat, ugly, thin, unattractive, and so on. Says who?

I’ll never make it. Says who?

I’ll never love like that again. Says who?

I don’t have the confidence. Says who?

I’ll never find a job I love. Says who?

Life is so hard. Says who?

I’ll never get out of debt. Says who?

They would never hire me. Says who?

You have the opportunity here to work out where the real source of the resitance and barriers are, to dive into the shadows of your past to find out who planted the seeds of doubt in your mind of what you are actually capable of.

As soon as you start to see the truth, as it really is (not as you believe it to be), you discover that the barrier and resistance never belonged to you, was it someone else telling you no, because they never thought it was possible for them? Just a thought.

How to Defeat the Bogeymen* Before Breakfast

June 11 Dawn

*All inclusive, please read: Bogeymen. Bogeywomen. Bogeywhatevers.

dealingwithourfears — How to Give Yourself The Heebie-jebbies!!!

I woke up a morning last week with the Bogeymen Gang in my bedroom, there are six of these hard asses: there’s Fear (the leader), Terror (Fear’s sidekick), Dread and Worry, and the wannabes Guilt and Regret.

I’m pretty sure this doesn’t happen only to me, that there are some of you who wake up with an unexplained heaviness upon you.

You can’t put your finger on it, the reason why (yet) or maybe you do know, are there are events happening that are affecting your mental well-being?

In the past, this bogus-gang have settled themselves down for the day, week, even months.

I’m sure they will be back again.

Experience tells me if I don’t own the game they instigate and defeat them all before breakfast they own my thoughts for the rest of the day or can shadow my every move.

And quite frankly, screw that because most days I have plans.

Their game is simple:

Dread and Worry start the attack. Before I’ve even opened an eye I’m worrying about: family, friends, the pets, work, clients, my life, my purpose, the hole in the bedroom ceiling, on and on it goes, and as you know: thoughts trigger the emotions and feelings.

In no time at all, Anxiety has joined in. Then, I get concerned over what I should’ve, outta, could’ve done with Guilt and Regret. Fear and Terror just hover around encouraging those four +1 to keep at it.

Not fully conscious, but conscious enough: I call to arms my own homies.

My own sound like an advert for a Superhero movie (cue big booming start of movie voice), “Courage, Strength, Truth, Honesty, Energy and Bugger This, they save the day, one day at a time”

You may be thinking, ‘that’s right Dawn, make it happen, self-fulfilling prophecy and all that’, of course you’re right, yet this is my occasional battle, I think that morning is the last time, only for it to happen a few months later, I’m a work in progress here my lovely.

When fighting this head war, the very brave, one and only Bugger This is always first to step forward and scream, ‘Under attack. Who the let them in so early? Why today? It’s Saturday. We haven’t even had our coffee yet.’

Their cries jolt me fully awake and I leap out of bed with the phrase, ‘No, not today, I’m busy’

Battle Before Breakfast

If the above is you, I don’t have all the answers of how you can change this, here’s a few things that I do, try them if you fancy:

Take action: Maybe just take a few minutes thinking about your answer to: ‘The next time (makes an assumption there will be a next time, that may or may not be true for you), here’s what I will do…insert plan of action…to defeat the Bogeyman Gang (make up a name that doesn’t make sense, changes the program in your head) if they visit before Breakfast.

Ask yourself “How do I feel?” Know and train yourself to become aware of how you feel you when you wake up. Seriously ask yourself ‘How do I feel today?’ You’ll know that answer.

The next part is ‘How do I want to feel by the end of the day?’ Take a few seconds and identify five emotional words, then say them, play them on repeat all day in your head all day.

Listen to music: music changes a mood (can uplift and deplete energy), obviously it’s all a personal choice, and for me I play it loud, play it fast, and play it sing-a-along-y. Tinkly-pinkly water running affairs don’t do it for yours truly.

Exercise: if it’s not being used as a clothes drier, I nip on the treadmill, five minutes is all it takes for me to defeat the gang. Exercise has been proven release natural chemicals to lift negative and heavy moods. We all know that now I’m sure.

Break routines: for me it’s straight in the shower, where usually I take my time waking up, on the gang driven mornings, I break the routines. What routine do you follow that can be mixed up? Changing patterns will require to think about what you are doing, habitual patterns you have less to think about.

Self-care: Sarah at Holistic Hot Sauce asked me about my self-care routine a few weeks ago, and this is one moment when it matters. Having the best coffee in the house, taking time and savouring all I am thankful for, talking to myself like how I would care for a loved one going through a hard time or throwing the leads on the dogs to go for a longer than usual walk.

What About You?

Who are your Bogeymen/women/whatevers? How do you/did you go about beating them before breakfast, if they appear(ed)?

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Why Having 40 Winks May Be The Answer to Your Problem(s)

June 4 Dawn

Has anyone ever said to you while you battle with a problem, ‘just sleep on it’, followed by ‘it’ll look clearer in the morning?’

Have you consciously chosen to put something on the back burner or deliberately incubated a problem for a period of time?

Some research states you shouldn’t sleep on it others swear that getting some shut eye down for a few hours is an excellent idea.

I’m in agreement with the sleep on it people, works for me, but what about you, do you nap out your problems?

Can our problems be solved unconsciously?

I believe we learn best when the learning is unconscious, when we’re engaged in the learning as a complete system.

In learning, have you ever said, ‘where did the time go?’: you were in the flow, unthreatened, no frustration, curious and willing. Where the learning was challenging enough, but not overwhelming. You felt as if you were all there, the time flew by and at the end you just knew you were a lot smarter than when you began?

However with a problem however, have you struggled for days, felt extremely frustrated, ready to throw in the towel?

Did you feel anxious and desperate that you were never going to reach a solution, bored by it, angry even?

Lessons from Children

Have you ever watched a young child solve a toy puzzle?

These youngsters don’t have the linguistics yet to say, ‘oh geez, I’m so darned frustrated, my what a problem!‘, and they never in a teletubby minute give up too soon.

They just focus on the task, totally immersed, curious and stay that way until they solve the problem in front of them, or until they squeal with glee at the end result they have achieved, regardless if it matches the instructions on the box.

That was us once, wearing nappies, covered in droll and excellent problem solvers.

Perfect little sleuths we were: alert, observant and noticing everything around us. Collating all the clues we connected dots and came up with the best solution to the problems we faced.

We knew that in the problem was the solution.

Fecking geniuses all of us, at minus 700 days old!

What happened?

‘Our problems are more serious now!’ cry the grownups.

Yeah, whatever, still doesn’t excuse the fact you used to be remarkable at solving whatever was in your path. We didn’t even need training and management courses to show us how to be creative problem solvers, we knew no methods such as:

Brainstorming: coming up with lots of possible solutions and ideas, then finding the most desirable solution.
Divide and Conquer: breaking up a problem into lots of little problems that can be solved.
Research: finding out information and identifying who had the same problem and applying it to your problem.
Root Cause: identifying and taking away what caused the problem.
Trial and Error: test, test, test, test until you find the solution eventually.
Proof: proving it can’t be solved.

And other common methods such as:

Tossing a coin: heads I’ll do this, tails I’ll do that.
Denial: do nothing, refuse to admit there is a problem.
Opinions: as someone else what they would do and do the opposite!

Incubating and Napping Out Problems

The Latin for incubate is incubare which means lie down on, it’s not denial or ignorance.

Want to give it a go?

In order for incubation to work, you need (according to the big research people) to have completed a few steps first.

Step 1

Identify the desired outcome and understand the problem.
Decide specifically what you want to happen.
Knowing ‘how’ is not your concern, what would the problem look like fixed?
What needs changed?
What are you ultimately trying to achieve?
What you ‘end-result’ thoughts?
What is happening at present?
Pinpoint when the current ‘problem’ became a problem: what happened, why did it breakdown?

Step 2

What do you want to feel when the problem is completely resolved?
What will you hear?
What will you see?
What will you know that you don’t know now (odd question to ask, trust me, you’ll know!)

Step 3

Be a sleuth. Choose your preferred method for information gathering. Gather as much as you can, brainstorm, divide and conquer, pros and cons lists as possible solutions and ideas.

Are there better solutions to your problem?
What research takes you out your comfort zones?

Step 4

Have a go at solving it. You aren’t looking for the solution, you are merely having a go. Work hard on it, use the skills you have and apply the new skills and learning you gathered at step 3.

As we snooze, our brain is busily processing the information we have learned during the day.

Sleep makes memories stronger, and it even appears to weed out irrelevant details and background information so that only the important pieces remain.

Our brain also works during slumber to find hidden relations among memories and to solve problems we were working on while awake. Robert Stickgold Phd, Jeffrey M Ellenbogen Scientific American

Step 5

Let it go, leave it, sleep on it, incubate it.

Observe the solution when it appears. Huh? Be alert to the solutions.

Further Info:

Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi is known for studying happiness and creativity, he’s best known for his work on the notion of ‘Flow’. Here’s his TedTalks video which explains the theory, if you don’t have time watch from 14.00 secs to the end.

Over To You

What do you think? Sleep on it, or not? What’s your biggest problem solving tip. If you watched the video, could your problems be solved in a flow state?

Monday Morning Pep Talk: Your Life Has Meaning

June 4 Dawn

Have you ever said ‘I want my work to be meaningful’?

How about ‘I want to make a difference?’

And finally, ‘I want to be paid for my passions?’

Can we please address this:

Your life can still have meaning if you aren’t getting paid for your passion(s).

What!

Am I doing a 180 on everything on this website?

No.

I’m saying that if you don’t get paid for it, your life is still meaningful.

Ask those that love you for goodness sake.

What if all those questions had nothing to do with your career or what you get paid for?

Are all areas of your life filled with personal meaning? If not, what makes you think can find it in your career?
Are you making a difference to the people that are already in your life on a daily basis? Friends, family, neighbours, children, the person who serves you in the local shop, people you aren’t that keen on?
Are you reserving the energy of passion for a future you? Why not use it now?

I’m not being rude, you aren’t your job, and you aren’t a career, without them you’ll still exist.

What’s your goal?

a) To live a passionate and purposeful life, filled with personal meaning?

b) Or is it to get paid for your passions?

Two things to ponder over:

1. How can you bring the energy of passion into your life today?

2. Where can you make a difference now, regardless if you get paid for it or not?

The easiest ways to live with purpose, passion and meaning:

Everything you do, do it with purpose.

Everything you do, fill it with passion.

Everything you do, make it meaningful.

It’s not that simple.

Isn’t it?

10 Ways to Be Happy At Work (Even If You Hate It)

May 28 Dawn

In my life I have walked out of three jobs: a bank, a call centre and a themed pizza restaurant. And yes, when I say walked I do mean stood up, coat on, bag over the shoulder and left.

Irresponsible? Totally.

Utterly miserable? You bet.

But I’m going to defend myself okay? I was young, I didn’t know anything about the world of work.

It does amuse me when people say ‘school prepares you work’, I disagree. I think for the majority of us it does nothing apart from ‘here’s the next system you enter and the rules that you must follow’, of course your experience may be different.

Educators agree that happy pupils learn better, what happens when we enter the 9-5? Goodbye happiness?

The bank was the worst, crying on the way there every morning was not good for the old mental health.

The last two were jobs I held as a student: the call centre I refused point blank to put my hand up to use the loo (rebel) and the themed pizza place is laughable, apparently ‘ I’m the worst waitress ever’, according to the manager. Personally I didn’t think I was that bad.

There are millions of people doing exactly what I was paid to do and even though I hated it, they don’t. Which makes me want to ask you, is happiness at work the responsibility of the employer or you, the employee?

The Other Side of The Coin

Fast forward a few (many) years and the last role I had where someone else paid my salary was fun, employee happiness was considered important, creativity and play was encouraged. Not at Google, I may add, a non-profit in Edinburgh.

Play was encouraged?

Yes. How novel, huh? Being told to play and get creative at work.

Was the work done? Yes, and people actually enjoyed doing more with no grumping or bitterness. Having the creative freedom meant the team were always devising better solutions, programs and ways of doing things.

Can we be happy at work, even if we hate it?

My answer? No job is meant to make you unhappy, period. I’ve worked with enough adults on employability and vocational programs who were emotionally destroyed by negative, belittling, unhappy, stressful and one-size fits all ‘institutional’ work environments.

However (and believe me it’s a BIG however) there are a few things that you can do to reclaim your sanity and happiness.

To me, work is a social place, and yet the majority of workplaces are sequenced, controlled, compartmentalised and standardised, not much has changed since the workhouses of the Industrial Revolution.

Generally speaking:

You are expected to sit or stand all day long.
You are expected to be a working machine, not a complex mix of mind, body and spirit.
You are expected to leave your emotions at the door.
You are expected to solve problems and strategically plan for people who act like School Masters.
You are expected to follow rules, policies and regulations which don’t help you, but just reminds you that your a cog in a very big machine.
You are expected not to voice concern or raise objections, otherwise you rock the foundations of the institution.

Don’t get me wrong, I know all workplaces aren’t like that, but for those that are, in my opinion, rob you of the joy of making a difference, a contribution and exercising your full potential.

Looky look, the chances are, if you have past the point of no return in your career or current role, a move is on the cards anyway. How do I know that? Because the misery isn’t sustainable. You may change career, you may opt for a new wallpaper at work: which won’t solve the long term misery but at least for a while you’ll be happier as you’ll be learning new things, ideas, meeting new people and so on.

So, take these tips as an ‘in the meantime’ lessons, your call if you try them:

1. Define your own definition of work happiness and satisfaction

What does being happy mean to you? What about work satisfaction? Is it flourishing? Is it belonging and feeling valued? Is it achieving? Is it seeing a task to completion? Seeing a customer or client smile, is that a priority? Everyone has a different defintion of the word happiness. Start with these questions as a baseline. Is there anyway you can bring them into your current role? Even if the boss and management couldn’t care, do you care enough to take full accountability for your happiness?

2. No two days are ever going to be the same

What I learned from the bank was I approached each day in the same way. I had already decided how the day was going to go before I even got there (Read: The Pits. Devils Hall) At every opportunity see each day as a new day, each interaction and communication as new, every event as new. I’m asking you to take a massive mindset shift, you can do it, you are much stronger than a role or what you ‘do’, you and I can choose how we want to feel and our state of mind in a second.

3. Be your best

At what you do. Look for ways to give it your all. Hate the bosses and management? Then do it for customers and clients. Start setting your own high standards. Being the best is not competition, it’s about recognising and being proud of your own skills and abilities. Use them. Excellence, the tiny things will make you happy, even if the company doesn’t raise a smile.

4. Play

Be creative, even if it’s not encouraged. Play isn’t just reserved for children. It doesn’t even have to be childlike. Some organisations try to change their working environment to the benefit of employees, but does putting in a gym or a creative room cut it though? Do benefits create happier work environments?

Play and happiness isn’t a tactic or a system.
Work happiness isn’t a set of rules to be followed or forced.
It’s not reserved for team away days or for you to ‘learn’ on a training course you’ve been sent on.

A happy work environment isn’t about resources and objects it has to become part of the mission: it’s all encompassing and is the culture of the organisation.

Here’s the thing, you are the culture. You may not think you are but if an organisation is paying you for your skills, then you shape the culture. Yes, I know you may disagree with me, you may feel you have no power or status when it come to making decisions in a large company. But you do. Read number 3 again.

5. Create your own standards of excellence

You have the power to decide and write your own personal standards. What personal rules can you live with at work? What’s negotiable and non-negotiable? But I hate it, you cry. Okay, I get it, honest I do. Be exceptional anyway. Don’t let something you are paid for lower your capability for displaying excellence, you are worth more.

6. Be the person you would love to work with

Speaks for itself. Its’ so easy to get caught up in the negativity and pessimism of others. When the role no longer fits who you are, it’s pretty common to moan, grump and be the misery. Think about your ideal workmate: what qualities would they have, how would they treat others, how would they speak, be them. If you recognise the qualities, you have them.

7. Be engaged and engaging

With honesty and genuineness be interested in other people, be approachable and warm. Listen to understand, be empathic. Make people feel important, but do it with sincerity.

8. Play outside of work

Important —> Recognise you are not your job, you are not your career or what you get paid for. Take accountability for your happiness outside work. If you are thinking of a move, can you volunteer in the field you ultimately want to work in? Can you take weekend courses? Can you build in more time with your friends?

9. Give thanks and appreciation + recognise/acknowledge great work

Even if the organisation or culture doesn’t do it, you can. Acknowledge other people and the work they do: if it’s great, tell them. If you spot something that was a great idea, say so. Appreciate the good moments, be there, be present, say thanks, be the person that is creating a new culture.

10. Be altruistic

Give without expecting nothing in return. What! Yeah, toughie for most of us. Try it for a month. Just try. Don’t be a pushover though, that’s not being altruistic. Altruism is about being motivated to give something in return for nothing, but not of duty or loyality.

Will those tips make you love your role again?

(Smiling!) I don’t know. I do know (my experience) when I accept total responsibility and accountability for how I feel, shifts are made. You’ll know what’s on the cards for your career, whether you need a complete change or not. I’m suggesting to you, try it, it’s your call though, okay? And if you are utterly miserable and beyond the above list, action, decide today that you are in transition and begin the journey. You are the common factor in all this, you may not get to where you really want to go overnight, begin the process, start.

Your Wisdom Please

Any tips for being happy at work (even though you hate it?) Lessons from the past? Something you are doing now? Please leave a comment below.

Lastly if you need a little help to find and do the work you love there’s a course that does just that.

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