A Post About Anger, 50 Shades of Red + Forgetting to Breathe

This morning I got myself into a public quarrel.

A verbal exchange of the swear-iest proportions.

Don’t judge too quick…

Usually when conflict arises in my world I’m generally good at:

 

• assessing and diffusing
  
• looking at the big picture
• evaluating
• gathering information and facts
• taking time to work out my role 
• and acting in the best way at that time.

Anger is not normal behaviour for me. It’s rare. I don’t do anger very well. I can’t be doing with it. It’s too painful. Not to mention  the sweats, heart-rate and stress.

Not today. It started, heightened and ended in a flash.

Here’s what happened…

I was walking down my street (not just for the fun of walking up and down, I had been somewhere. I mean I don’t go out and just walk randomly.<– oh, see what I’ve done, used flippant humour to take the eek away from sharing this with you.)

Start again…

I was walking down the street, coming up the road was a man with a dog on a lead. The dog was pulling and just as I was thinking, ‘Thank goodness my two walk to heel’  I witnessed the man yank the dog back, lifting him/her the air, till all paws were off the ground and then kick him/her in the rib area, at the same time screaming to the dog, ‘Walk fucking properly’.

Insert nice quotes about reacting:

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

I  sooooooo reacted.

There aren’t many things in my life that still push those seeing-a-definite-shade-of-red-let-me-have-it-button, but any abuse or mistreatment of animals (or anything that breathes) is one.

Well. Today I pushed them.

I told him that his behaviour was abusive.

He told me to F-off.

I told him he was well out of effing out of order.

Same reply.

I told him he was a cruel b-word.

Same reply.

I told him that instead of abusing, how about some training.

Same reply. He then got up close. Really close. In the moment I did think I was going to be bopped.

So the anger turned to fear. I looked down at the dog and thought to myself this is not a time to back down. Stupid of me? Yeah. Well. Maybe.

Have you ever had a moments when you just come back  into yourself regardless the intensity of emotions?

The moment when you cease to be in ‘it’ and observe it?

This became one of those moments. I’ve no idea where the anger went but when I could see right into the whites of the owners eyes, I said ‘you know it’s wrong, you just know’ and then I turned and walked away.

Fight done. Nothing achieved. Chaos over. Breathing again.

Shaking, yes. But pleased I didn’t start crying until I got in the house. (That would be where the energy of the anger went then.)

Could I have handled it differently? Of course.

Can I see where this came from? Totally.

Could I have ignored what I witnessed? Of course. But why should I look away when the dog couldn’t (oh, I see I’m still angry).

Why am I sharing this with you?

I’m not really sure, I had planned a post about Facebook spamming for today but since you’re here:

• There will be times when all the learning and theory goes out the fecking window. There is a massive difference between knowing something and just knowing.

• Being who you really are also includes those parts of you that you don’t see or (want to) recognise are part of you. We all have them so don’t worry.

• That there will be some events that take you to places emotionally that scare the begeez out of you. Breathe.

• That we can’t possible grow unless we know what we’ve already cultivated.

• That we all have triggers waiting to be pushed.

• Tears are a release. Use them.

• Anger brings nothing.

• Breathe.

• I’m so human.

Here’s what went out the window today:

1. Breathing.
2. Not listening first to what my body was telling me before I reacted. Forgetting to ask myself ‘what do I feel right now?’ Working that out first and then acting.
3. I didn’t tell myself to ‘Get In The Boat’. Huh? A great technique (today I forgot about it, was it because it happened too fast?) Basically think about the times in the past when you have reacted and regretted. Did you feel flooded with emotions? Overwhelmed? Drowning? See these feelings as a fast flowing river, carrying you with them. When you feel them, tell yourself to ‘Get In The Boat’ and visualise yourself doing it. Usually works for me, so give it a go.
4. Not consciously controlling the emotions I could’ve controlled. And trying to control that what I can”t.

Your Turn

Got any tips or ideas for this one? What would you have done? Please share them in the comments, see you there.

PS: I did report them.