I’ve lost my voice. Apparently. According to me. I’ve been looking for it. Not for want of trying to ‘find it’. When I temporarily ‘shut the window’ to Living Moxie, I didn’t think what once (this site, my business, courses, people, clients) I poured my heart and soul into for (gasp 10 years) would take me 3 years to return. I really didn’t. I feel I should have written you a letter ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ type thing. But I didn’t. And I am so sorry for that, I had my own shit happening, and it became priority.
Here we are. 2017 – has become 2020 (and this has been a really good year if you’re a virus, the rest of us are pretty screwed up!). 3 years! Fuck! 3 years. Wow. And the thing is, those 3 years have felt like 3 months, 3 weeks!
On Voice Losing
It all started with me knowing I needed to make massive changes in my life, and the first goal (read: emotional and physical necessity) to achieving this was getting a J.O.A.B – shock horror – yes I know, a proper, grown up, regular money in your bank account each month job type thing. No more hustling, marketing, networking, selling, worrying if the money would be there each month. It. Had. To. Be There. Otherwise I would be stuck in the situation I had created for myself. And, I don’t know how long I could’ve lived that life.
So, I took up the position of Manager at a Social Enterprise that was going down the tubes financially. If you ever have walked into a role with the gut feeling it’s going to go ‘tits up’ you are probably right. Loved it. Sadly, it had always lost (wasted) money and was reliant on funding for y-e-a-r-s. Loads of stories from that experience, but that’s for another time, in short, social enterprise is business just a different bottom line.
From there I became (and still am) the Trust Manager for a development trust. I love it. Oh, does that mean Living Moxie is now my ‘side hustle’? How exciting, I have never had a side hustle! Maybe, perhaps. The current gig has been um, well, eventful, never a dull moment and it continues. Whoever thinks charity work is all fairy and lights with hugs a plenty is seriously out of touch. It’s been a ‘friggin nightmare from start to now. But still. The team. The cause. The community. They made it/make it all worth it.
I would be mega disappointed if after 3 years I haven’t learnt a darned thing. The past three years have been Planet Shit Storm professional and personally. I talk values all the time. It’s been like someone has been saying, ‘Come on the Barclay, how much do you believe in what you say you do, wanna test it, have this … storm-o-shit, and another, and another, and another!’
When I do find my voice again, I think I will have a few lessons to share, so here we go, it might help you, it might not:
When I Find My Voice Again Lesson 1:
I will open the chest – and encourage you to also – as if it’s been a lost treasure: valuable, full of nuggets, shiny, been kept safe in a locked box. Who knows what I placed there, what you’ve placed in yours. Who cares what I take out to keep, and leave in for another few years? It has to be full of new ideas and missing pieces. Surely?
When I Find My Voice Again Lesson 2:
I accept the fact (and you may want to also) that I may say ‘oh, that’s where you’ve been, I’ve been looking for you’ and you/me have to make a choice. A decision. You/me have to choose if what you/me find is actually what you/me want to say now. Is this ‘voice’ you thought you had lost actually the one you want find and keep, now? Maybe it’s not that voice you have been looking for, maybe your voice has changed and you are ready to tell a different tale. I am. I so am. No idea how, but that doesn’t matter. I will find a way, so will you.
When I Find My Voice Again Lesson 3:
Voice (to me) is about authenticity. It’s all about saying what you feel and owning what you say. It’s not a shoddy attempt at copying ‘their voice’, it doesn’t choke, hold back, stutter, take time for a throat clearing. It’s unique. It will piss some off, others will love it. It’s shaking at the part ‘speak you truth, even if your voice shakes’, maybe crying, perhaps a shivering bottom lip.
Now I Have Found My Voice Again
I won’t stop what wants to come out to help you because I fear there may be repercussions, judgement, raised eyebrows or tut-tutting, neither should you when you find yours. It’s your voice. You can only say what you want to say. Assuming you aren’t out to hurt or damage anyone and stuff needs to be said, I want to help you say it. Values. Your core. I know I harp on about them so much, But you know when you aren’t living yours. You know it. So did I. And that, dear friend, will, if you are steering away from them hurt you so badly over everything else. No job, relationships, other human has the right to trample all over your core and gag you to shut up.
I want you to know. Really know. Really really know. That it doesn’t matter how shit life may be right now: that you could be in the worst living environment, relationship, job, no control over experience – life can (and does, it really fucking does) change in a moment. You have to decide on what you want, picture and feel that shit (as if your life depended on it, and it does depend on it).
You have to speak up, even when you feel you aren’t being heard. You may be shouting at mountains, and words echoing back to you. Fuck it. Say them anyway. Never ever stay silent when you are required to speak up: on behalf of yourself and of others who aren’t even invited at the table to contribute. Speak for them (with their permission of course).
I want to help you to not sit down, hold back, or play it safe for the fear of upsetting anyone who is using fear, bullying, gaslighting, abuse, status or words to confuse you out of what is your truth. All these are unacceptable. End of. No debate. End.
I want to help you to use the word sorry for when it is meant not at the start and end a sentence.
There’s more, but for now, I am getting my voice back. In the meantime, as I spring clean around here and get my shit together download this, it’s not the definitive guide to getting your shit together, but it’s a good start.
Lots of love,
Dawn
P.S. I promised myself that Unfolding would be updated from 2020 into 2021. It is. I wanted to updated the words but ‘work’ meant I couldn’t/didn’t have the time. But. Here we go. If you want to unfold any year, (pandemic or not, this will help). Lots of love. Dawn xxx
Hiya, Dawn! I am waiting for more… more…