Should We Always Forgive?

Here’s a question for you…should we always forgive?

Yes?

No?

Maybe?

Depends.

On what though?

The damage caused, the long term effect, the severity of the pain, the way in which the hurt was given out?

The reason I’m bringing this up is because of the pain, anger, hurt, bitterness, regret, shame, vulnerability, loss, grief, sadness caused at things that have past.

Recent email replies from nearly a newsletter subscribers have been:

“I can’t forgive my husband, he betrayed my trust. I’ll never trust anyone again. Only to be hurt.”

“I didn’t realise how cruel she was (mother). I’ll never forgive her, she ruined my entire childhood!”

“I know what I’m capable of, but everything time I begin, I can hear the voices of the bullies at school playing in my head telling me I’m just a loser.”

Self-help land asks the question ‘who do you blame?‘ has anyone ever asked you ‘who do you forgive?‘

No?

Nor me, never.

CS Lewis (Narnia, fawns and wardrobes fame) wrote: “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive”.

Lot of truth there.

How about this one instead?

“Forgiveness isn’t something we do for others, we do it for ourselves so we can get well and move on.”

Ah. More truth. Different take on forgiveness though.

I’ve settled on the second.

(Today, I’ve settled on the second. Hey! I’m human, a work in progress, oh, and I have a future to come, I may need to review it.)

You? Two very different paths, huh?

If you choose to forgive, what might happen?

If you choose not to forgive, what might happen?

Questions only you can answer.

What if you want to forgive but don’t know how?

Oh, who hasn’t been there! A few ideas for you…

1. Be Clear About The Pain

Know the detail. Be specific. We are very good at creating stories to protect ourselves.

2. No Fiction or Add-On’s

Have you ever noticed how memories can build and create pictures of events that didn’t happen? Stick to No 1, the facts only.

3. Feel + Express The Pain

Somewhere, with someone. If you can’t take the pain to source that had a hand to play in it’s creation, take it to someone who is equipped to help you feel it safely.

4. Forget to Remember

Do you play events over and over your head. Wishing you had said this, or done that. The event is over. Choose not to relive it. You may not be reliving the experience, but you are feeling the emotions — same damage.

5. If You Can’t Let Go (Yet), Let The Memory Die

That’s what it will become, just a memory. Refuse to play it. Try just saying to yourself ‘Right now, I choose not to think about that’. Remember No 3 though!

6. Forgive Yourself First

Can you? Are you able to forgive yourself? You don’t need to carry guilt. You can’t be judge and jury equally. Let go.

7. Blame

Refuse to blame others for the future you. You do have full accountability, ownership and control of how to feel now. (No 3!)

8. The Experience is Over

You can’t relive it. All that remains is memory and emotion. That you can control.

9. Love

Just that. To heal: love + self care, has to be the dominant picture. Extend love to the things even you don’t understand (tough one, but doable!)

10. Power of Freedom

You have no power in the past. You only have power to change this moment. It’s all a very simple matter of choices and simple decisions. The thought of reaching a decision may be painful, yet once made, it’s clear.

Freedom. Forgiveness. Letting Go. Holding On. Bitterness. Guilt. Anger. You get to choose.

Stop. How Are You Doing?

Let’s pause for a minute.

I’m just wanting to check in with you.

Where’s you’re head at right now?

At the place of ‘I wish it were that easy?’

Are you thinking:

‘I want to but can’t, the pain is too much’

‘I want them to pay for what they did’

‘I need to have justice, then I can move on’

‘I can’t forgive them for what they done, they took away…’

This is the point. I believe forgiveness is a personal decision.

One choice. You forgive or you don’t.

No half way measures. Forgiveness isn’t memory loss either ”I can forget, but I can’t forgive!’

I believe forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person(s), it’s an inner act. The person who has hurt you may never request for your forgiveness.

Here’s a Little Exercise For You To Try

It’ll take you about 10 minutes.

You’re going to give thanks to those who have hurt you.

Give thanks?!!

Yup.

But the pain.

Look, I know, I’ve had my own really crappy life events but try not shut down an idea before you give it a go. (Go back and read No 3, people are trained and highly experienced in helping others work through horrendous pain and past memories.)

Ready? Look, I’ll even go first so you don’t feel so vulnerable, okay?

Dawn, this is too weird.

No, this little exercise is every so purifying! (I was going to use cathartic, but that’s wrong, is it catharsis? You know, a purging. Anyway, I’ll look up the dictionary later and get on with this.)

By doing little exercises like these, they allow you to see situations and past events in a different light. Do it or don’t, you’re call.

You’ll need to record your thoughts. So get a pen, paper or slap your fingers across a keyboard.

List some people who have hurt you (stay safe, only work with what you can handle alone.) What did they do? What was the situation specifically?

Then who you are now, your values this minute and the way you live your life today, thank them for what they taught you and declare why you choose to (or not) forgive them.

As I Said I’ll Go First…

Arghhh! Vulnerable. Ah well. If I can’t do what I request others to do I’m a hypocrite. So here goes…

To the guy who bullied me for the first 4 years of high school. It was never true that ‘sticks and bones will break my bones but names will never hurt me’. They hurt. Your taunts, teasing and cruel words meant I spent 16 years on a diet.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience, I’m able to stand up and speak for and on behalf of others who are being bullied, belittled, mocked or ridiculed.

To my primary school teacher, who gave me the belt when I was 5, and humiliated me in front of my class, the day I halved the crayons. I was actually thinking ‘out the box’, there wasn’t enough red crayons to go round. Splitting them in two meant we could all take part.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience I learned that children need to be really listened to and always be protected from harm.

To the manager I worked alongside for one year. Your screaming, anger, pettiness, lack of compassion and back stabbing hurt an entire team, we feared you.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience you confirmed for me how I will lead.

To my ex, who took great pleasure in breaking my spirit, faith, confidence, self esteem and worth.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, it’s because of that experience I can communicate with women who are going through similar abuse. I am one strong, strong, woman.

To the guy in Secondary School. I know you and your mates found it funny that you said you meet me and take me to the club, when you had no intention to do so. When you told me ‘you wouldn’t been seen dead with me’ after I had travelled an hour to meet you, that experience made me feel like the ugliest person alive.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience I will work endlessly to make sure young women and girls (and boys) have high confidence and self esteem, and know they are worthy.

To my secondary school maths teacher, who’s class I detested for four years. You slapped heads with jotters, threw anything you could to a pupil who didn’t understand.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience I learned how to inspire others to grab a passion for life long learning even when they hated school.

Phew!

Your Turn/Thoughts/Comments/Opinions