As parents and carers is one of the hopes and wishes for your children that they grow up happy, with the confidence to ‘stand on their own two feet’ and high self-esteem? Ensuring they can cope and still remain strong with whatever to them in life.Children are incredibly resilient, determined, driven and amazingly creative, ah, at one time we all had these skills, they came with being young!
Yet, many parents can see their once confident child completely change before their eyes, she seems to be more fearful and perhaps withdraw from the activities and hobbies she once loved.
When Should You Consider Your Childs Self Esteem?
During pregnancy and as a new parent you may never consider the confidence and self-esteem of your new baby. In fact, it may not even cross your mind at all unless you begin to notice the change of behaviour.
If you’re a new parent:
Spend time thinking (even if it’s just ten minutes every month) about your child’s confidence and self-esteem. Picture as you watch them growing everyday what you wish and hope for in their life.
Everything she sees, hears, feels, tastes and touches will be stored and called upon as she grows, when she is making her own decisions and choices. Actual events may not be remembered in years to come; yet her brain is hard at work registering and programming the world around her.
You see, as adults we can sometimes forget that all through those development years we are ‘conditioning’ and ‘moulding’ and ‘shaping’ her beliefs.
If you’re lacking in confidence and self esteem:
Many times I have worked with parents on courses and they have all said ‘I wish I had this course as a child’.
Children pick up on everything; they can learn the behaviours that come with a lack of confidence and self-esteem. If you feel, you lack both the best time to increase them was before your child was born, the second best time is today.
It can be learned.
Self-esteem is an estimation of your own self worth.
You can learn, yet in the meantime, as you focus on your new role here’s a few self-care rules:
Take time for you, remember you are many roles (not just a parent) and to stay healthy acknowledge them all, you don’t stop being you when you become a mum or dad (or carer), use support networks, be honest with how you are feeling and share it with others.
Work on your own confidence and self-esteem: if you feel worthy and confident, the same feelings will be passed along to her.
Avoid Teaching Fear – I remember once (while walking my dogs), an adult said to their daughter rushing towards them, ‘come back they might bite you’ and they promptly pulled yanked the child and placed them behind their legs.
‘Oh, that’s a shame, were they bitten before?’ I asked.
‘No’ was the reply ‘but I was at their age, I’ve never been keen on them (dogs) since.’
The girl was not frightened of the dogs, yet I’m sure in time they will be, it was their Dad teaching them that dogs are to be feared, yet the truth was, it was his fear, based on his experiences, but it doesn’t end there…
Ask yourself what fears are you teaching your children:
- Fear of heights?
- Fear of spiders?
- Fear of taking risks?
- Fear of putting on weight?
- Fear of running away from problems?
- Fear of money?
- Fear of you?
- Fear of love?
- Fear of authority?
Then think about this…what has your child got to look forward to living with the fear, you should be able to answer it, because you have lived it!
Stay Clear of Damaging Talk – watch your words, if I were to ask you think of an elephant, the chances are you would think of an elephant…you probably didn’t spell the word elephant, letter by letter in your head, you created a picture of an elephant!
The same applies to everything you say to children.
We adults are (sometimes) very quick to use words that automatically and suggestively can create negative pictures.
Listen to the world around you (and yourself) statements are shouted and spat at children like ‘you’re bad’ or ‘don’t be so stupid’ or ‘you’re so lazy’ or ‘you’re such a pain’.
‘You are’ statements are never 100% accurate; in most cases they are labelling your child. (And it’s not just you, don’t worry, they will also here it in the playground, in class…yet said often enough they do become part of the ‘make up’ of your child.)
All this creates in your child’s head is the ‘pictures’ of what someone who is bad, lazy, stupid, being annoying might ‘look like’.
You’ve heard the saying ‘you become what you think about most’? It maybe should come as no surprise then that the unwanted behaviour just gets worse as the pictures are being created over and over and over.
Let’s look at the statement ‘don’t be stupid’. What’s the real truth? Is your child stupid? Probably not. Or has your child behaved in a way that does not fit in with your wants, needs and wishes?
For example…imagine you have ‘hidden’ the chocolate biscuits in the top shelf of a cupboard. Your child (witnessing your childlike behaviour:) decides they want one!
Now remember, children have not learnt fully yet the whole concept of lateral thinking and the ultimate consequences for actions…it makes no sense to them, they are still living in the moment.
What they see is the opportunity to climb! And climbing is fun! And going through their head is: won’t you, the person who loves them most in the world, be so impressed at how high they climbed?
So they climb, and you catch them. I know the hardest thing may to say ‘wow, what a great climber, what are you climbing for, wish I was that good at climbing?’ And then, ask them to ‘see if you can climb down as well’.
Congratulate the climbing and creativity, and then deal with the unwanted behaviour.
No, most would people would promptly pull the child down and say something about the behaviour.
Separate the behaviour from the child, simple!
End Dates With The Boogie Man or Mind Garbage!
As children we grow up hearing, what I call ‘mind garbage’. You know, things like the ‘boogie man will get you’, or the ‘giant beneath the bed will eat you if you don’t go to sleep’, and ‘goblins and trolls will steal your toys if you don’t behave’, to name but a few (these garbage items are passed from generation to generation and some are specific to areas where people live)
And, as children we believed them! They are repeated so often we maybe even created vivid pictures in our heads of what these ‘mind garbage creatures looked like!
There is nothing wrong with using these fictitious characters in stories but when it comes to using them as a bribe or blackmail, out with the context of a good story, it might be more serious.
Now, I’m not saying many children grow into adults up fearing the ‘boogie man’, yet as adults we exchange the mind garbage…’the boogie man’ fear becomes the ‘I’m not good enough’ fear, the ‘goblins and trolls’ fear becomes the ‘I hate myself’ fear.
Think about it for a minute; can remember how frightened you were of those ‘imaginary characters’ as a child and how they gripped you and made you behave in a certain way…BUT now you can probably laugh at how ridiculous it was?
It’s all made up, imaginary, it doesn’t exist, yet you’ve repeated it often enough to build it into something so fearful that facing it straight on has become an impossible task.
Talk open and honestly to your child, they are very bright, intelligent and want to be included in your life (they are your biggest fan!). Yes, I know ‘mind garbage’ is easier and quicker to get the outcome you want, but in the long term?
Create Positive Pictures – as previously mentioned we think in pictures (or the majority of us do).
Create pictures for your child. Here’s an example; recently I was with my 8 year old nephew, my intention was he clean up the damage and aftermath of a so-called ‘cooking session’ at my house.
Instantly they said ‘no’ I replied ‘but I see you as being a great chef and a tidy worker’ they said (because they are used to me and my ways) ‘you’re just saying that to get me to do it’ (bright, very bright and I had been caught!)
My reply ‘well, you’re a great chef, an excellent tidy worker and very, very, very smart at spotting that, can we tidy up now?’
‘Yes’ was the reply!
The point, create the pictures of how you WANT it to be, not how you DON’T want it i.e. ‘you will so tidy up and stop being lazy’…picture creates laziness!
And lastly love…
Love with all your soul, even the behaviour that’s unwanted, because that’s part of your child too. It’s not about displaying affection sharing hugs, kisses and quality time when your child is good.
Love can also be expressed by spending time, listening, respecting, honouring, sharing, being their, putting aside differences, not holding on to past mistakes and behaviour.
Children don’t just ‘lose’ self esteem and confidence, they have experiences (just like you and I) which can create feelings of low self worth, it’s reversible so get educated, learn tools for yourself that you can apply in your role as a parent. Don’t ignore it or think it will ‘pass’.
Leave a Reply