Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

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One Day You Will Be Out of Time. Start.

April 28 Dawn

I’ve just watched an advert with a 52-year-old old ballet dancer. I’ve actually no idea what the advert was for, but the fact she was 52 was what I was to pay attention to, I think.

At 45, a 52-year-old ballet dancer doesn’t make me think, ‘Wow, she’s 52!’

If I was 25 years younger I’m pretty sure my first thought would have been, ‘That’s amazing, for her age!’ Ageist? Yes, I was 25 years ago. Aged 10, like most children, I thought 35 was ancient. As we both know the older we get, when we have more time behind us than in front, we stop seeing the future out there, we notice it hurtling towards us.

As I watched the video a thought popped up, ‘Dawn, take up ballet again, you can do that’, I don’t think so was the second.

Sure I could do ballet but unlike said woman in the video I know I haven’t practiced and committed to that art in 30 years. She obviously hasn’t let anything slide, stayed focused and used her body for what she loves to do that it’s still doing it now. Not that I actually want to do ballet. And it’s not about age. But it is about noticing that where once I thought time was infinite, and it’s not.

‘Live each day to the fullest as if it’s your last day,’ they say.

Yeah, we know. But we get lost in the empty, or just trying – at times – to keep a little in reserve to make it through until an episode of Game of Thrones comes on, We say, ‘I’ll start tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day’, we put plans, ideas, passions, loves aside until the non-existent tomorrow never arrives. We actually think that we are able to reclaim time. Or make it timely for us. As if it’s going to unwind and come back to us.

At the time of the death of my friend a couple of years ago, I sat beside her bed for 5 days. She never woke up. 5 days is a long time to sit in a situation where you feel helpless and all hope is slowly leaving. You think a lot. You become very aware of the state of your own life, and you pay attention to the moment, you come to realise that most of what you are doing day in and day out is just filling up time.

I made promises that week. To her and to my life. Here we are nearly 700 days later and it takes a video of a woman I’ve never met before doing ballet for me to learn what I thought I got back then at my friends’ untimely death.

We happen in time. We are running through it. We think years, months, weeks, days and live by the hands on a clock, but clocks stop for you when you’re gone. Death is never untimely, but we sure as hell lead untimely lives.

We’ve all got stuff we need to take care of, we all have responsibilities from previous choices we made earlier in time. Maybe the person who made them is not the same person sitting here reading this and wishes they had chosen differently.

Yeah, well, we didn’t, did we? We’ve all made choices we wish we hadn’t. But, if you have time, which you do, you can choose again.

Change isn’t always easy.

I get that. I do. It’s uncomfortable. We are surrounded by fear, scare messages and doubt, outside and in our own thinking. But still. Time doesn’t stop. We do. We have to move. It’s not enough to say you want to climb a mountain, you have to take a step towards it, anything else is just words and good intentions.

Living and transformation take energy.

Some days I haven’t got any either. Yes, I would rather have a glass of red, watch Downton Abbey and lick the chilli flavour from tortillas. Time doesn’t stop as we lie on the sofas we’ve placed about our lives. We do. If something is important to your own happiness, well-being and quality of life then you have to take the hurdle over the sofa, the tiredness, the apathy, the doubt, the fears, the ‘what if’s’ and ‘maybe some days’. Learn to hurdle if hurdles are in your way. Remove barriers, and quit putting more down in your path.

You have to find the reason to do, feel it, and it will outweigh all the excuses not to. To take steps. Start. Walk forward.

Pay attention to the choices you’re going to make today because the consequences and fall out of them you’re going to be reaping the benefits of – or not – one day soon.

Take accountability for those that you’ve already made, don’t get mad you didn’t stick at the ballet barre or honed a pax de Deux, start from where you are today, not yesterday.

And where no choice has been made yet, make it one that you are happy to carry with you through your time and in time, so that when you get to horizon of your future, you might be honest and admit you maybe didn’t live each day to the fullest, but you did make sure you were full of life.

For pondering:

Think of something you loved to do but you no longer pursue because you feel you don’t have enough time, secretly you would love to take it up again.
Write down all the ways you don’t have the time: ‘I no longer [insert thing] because [insert excuse/reason/fear].
Consider that life is untimely. What time are you waiting on?
What if you made your time your own? What no longer needs so much of your attention?

The Best Way to Get Something Done Is to Begin

April 25 Dawn

I’d been avoiding the greenhouse. Partly because I couldn’t get in for all the junk that’s been collected since last summer.

Greenhouses aren’t on this earth to be clean. As well as – in mine – old pots, snail nibbled paper, cobwebs, spiders, no longer shiny new gardening tools, they also have bugs, slugs and other Jurassic looking tiny creatures stomping about willy-nilly.

Today a friend came over and with the delight and squeals as a kid on Christmas morning she declared, ‘Let’s Do It! Then we can have a grow-off’! A grow-off is similar to a bake-off but with vegetable seeds, not cake. Yes, we made it up.

6 hours later we were done. I have a greenhouse which is still dirty, but it’s tidy and fit for purpose for another year. Rubbish is gone. Everything in a handy place. Seeds are planted.

In life, especially in periods of growth and change, we tend to think that we have to have a massive mental clear out in order to find some peace and calm.

I don’t think that’s true.

We have to begin somewhere. Anywhere. But start we must. We may want to focus first at unpicking the limiting beliefs that are causing us the biggest hurdles. Once we start to change one area, everything else changes around it.

And hey, guess what, at times we do need and welcome the help of others.

Feck, we all need support. I would hate to think we are so wrapped up in ourselves we can’t ask for it, or worse, think we don’t need it.

Yes, the common wisdom is that the ‘best motivation is self-motivation’ – has that always worked for you? When some tasks seem so large and daunting I think it’s incredible loving to have someone to say or behave in a way that says, ‘Come on, let’s do it, I believe in you, let’s give it a go, shall we?’

Who can you call today to ask for help?
Who can you offer your help to tomorrow?
What start are you stalling on? Begin.

Ahhhhh … The Curse Of Knowledge

February 18 Dawn

I’ve been helping a friend build a website. I’m not a website designer or developer, nor a graphic artist. However, with the knowledge I do have I still managed to drive them successfully into a comatose when I spoke the language of websites, search engines, list building, SEO, RSS feeds, widgets, plugins, ecommerce and other knowledge that led him sitting with an open mouth and glazed glassy eyes.

I lost him instead of inspiring.

The other day, a similar thing, I opened an email from a client which said, ‘I hadn’t got a clue about what you meant, I asked my brother and I get it now!’. I had confused her with my language.

Both are examples of the curse of knowledge.

The curse of knowledge is when we try and communicate a message but what we end up doing is zoning people out, shutting their brain down until they hear nothing.

See, nobody knows what you know.

Have you ever met someone and you just clicked with them? You and they spoke the same language? Okay, compare that connection with someone you’ve met where you genuinely hadn’t got a clue what they were talking about. Which one felt better?

George Bernard Shaw wrote, ‘”The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

As a trainer I plan and deliver with the following rules: keep it real and keep the ball in the learners court.

This simply means that I don’t fall prey to the curse of knowledge, I stay on the side of the learner and deliver in a language that they understand. And sometimes, when it comes to sharing knowledge, it means I have to work a lot harder at putting it an a context or story that that can relate to and understand.

We can put hurdles and barriers in the path of how a message is received with the curse of knowledge.

Have you ever struggled with the curse of knowledge? At work? In your business, or another relationship? What did you do to remove those hurdles and barriers so that the message you wanting to impart is what is actually heard?

Rest Here (Poetry)

February 16 Dawn

To slow it all down you have to focus on the moment.

Yeah, I know it’s hard to not think backwards or forwards, especially at the speed at which we are taught to live our lives.
But you don’t have to live at that speed all the time. You’ve heard of ‘being in the now’ or ‘being present’, sometimes you have to train yourself to actually go there.

Here’s something that may help:

Rest Here.

Relax into who you really are.

You are magnificence itself.

Let go of resistance to everything,

And what remains is the perfect flow

Of effortless Life.

What you are unwilling to feel

Remains as tension,

Becomes gnawing,  grows into addiction.

Restore the capacity to feel fully,

To allow the experience without flinching,

And the addiction, the gnawing, the tension,

Dissolve.

Rest here and things are simple.

~ Arjuna (Bhagavad Gita)

Go now, relax into who you are.

Love,

Dawn

Personal Boundaries (What Are They?)

February 1 Dawn

Let’s have a little blog series on Personal Boundaries.

I have no idea how long it will be, if it turns into a mammoth affair I will pop it in a PDF so you can download it.

Okay. I’ll go through some material from a 2 day Personal and Professional Boundaries live training programme I deliver to front line services (working with vulnerable people in a supporting role). That programme includes a lot of case studies and what if group work and discussions, the chat goes deep into ethics, etiquette, best practice, assumed meanings and values which we obviously can’t do here.

However, we can look at:

What are personal boundaries?
The different types and styles of boundaries.
How to identify, set and maintaining your own.
How to enforce your own boundaries, with respect of the boundaries belonging to others.
And probably a few other bits and bobs as we go.

Little intro over, let’s begin with:

A story.

A couple of weeks ago, I added a puppy to my existing four-legged menangierie. For those of you who don’t know, I said final goodbyes to a dog and a cat at the end of last year. The new addition wasn’t planned until Summer, but hey, as we both know life happens when you are making other plans.

She’s arrived.

At 11 weeks old she is learning about her world (read: a lot of chewing, nipping, biting and making the most of trying to eat her way through her new surroundings).

Right now, she doesn’t have a clue about what is acceptable behaviour and what isn’t. No boundaries. Everything is acceptable to her.

She’s pushing, testing, crossing lines, repeating unwanted behaviours and manipulating me with her extremely cute puppy looks.

However, we are in a human-canine relationship little Ms Scout and I. We need to be able to live together for a long time. Boundaries are a must otherwise, I’ll have a problematic dog by the time she’s 6 months. And I’m sure she may view me as a problematic human.

I hope with love, compassion and understanding (from me) and if I see the world from her little canine point of view, with repetition of this is okay and this isn’t she will – like those before her – grow up to (still) be a happy, content, safe, friendly, healthy, curious and up to mischief at times, canine who knows that this home is hers, mine and one that we share together.

But, we both have work to do.

A lot.

It starts with learning to trust one another – the beginning of all meaningful relationships, human or canine – and we have to maintain that trust for life. It could disappear forever if it’s violated, and especially if we keep stepping on, trampling and making a mockery of boundaries.

It’s obvious you’re not a puppy, and in some eyes Scout doglets boundaries may be viewed as discipline, this is not true as there is no punishment.

One of the main aims of setting healthy personal boundaries is to learn to trust your own Self: allowing yourself to come back to them as often as you need to, time and time again. To not dish out punishment when they are crossed and violated but to teach others – repeatedly if needed – how you wish to be treated.

To trust yourself that you have a voice, and learn to use it in every relationship. To promote freedom, self-love and self-care.

A few signs of unhealthy personal boundaries

Have you ever agreed when you didn’t want to?
Have you ever hidden how you feel just to keep the peace?
Do you say yes, when you wanted to say no?
Have you ever went along with an idea or plan even though it goes against your core values but it doesn’t cause a scene?
Do you fight for the right to be heard?
Ever feel that someone is in your head trampling on all you believe and feel, but you are too scared to ask them to leave?
Do you keep quiet on your personal values and opinions when you really want to say something?
Do you ignore your personal needs?
Does anyone blame you for how you made them feel?
Are you expected to dump your boundaries and values because they don’t please another?
Do you expect the world to confirm to how you say it should go all the time?
Do you ever feel violated and unsure of where you stand?
Do you impose your values on others because you are right?

You may have answered to some ‘it depends’.

You may have found that you answered yes whilst thinking about your workplace, but it was a no in your significant personal relationships or vice versa. You may have very rigid and strict boundaries about your career, but around your family and friends, you find it harder to state clearly your boundaries.

Personal Boundaries aren’t yours exclusively

People miss this, so let’s cover it today.

They say, ‘I want so and so to respect me and my personal boundaries’. I ask them, do they know your personal boundaries, do you know theirs? Often the answer to both these questions is no.

One of the challenges of identifying, setting and maintaining your personal boundaries is protecting them whilst honouring those belonging to others.

And this is where personal boundaries is a deep communication skill.

There will be times, moments, experiences, relationships and interactions with other humans where personal boundaries will clash and be crossed. Occasionally your boundaries will be rejected, and you will reject others.

Personal Boundaries aren’t aggressive, they aren’t ‘My way or no way’, ‘This way, or else’.

They aren’t a threat. They aren’t about control.

They are certainly not about power over. But they are about shared personal power.

They aren’t manipulation, bullying, aggression or coercion.

But they are about protection: physically, physiologically and emotionally.

We all have the right to personal space. We all have the right and freedom to own our thoughts, values, opinions and beliefs. We all have the right to state clearly what behaviours we will and won’t allow in our lives. That means, perhaps for your own protection (and protection of the other individual), there may be relationships that simply cannot exist in to protect your own health and well-being.

What are personal boundaries?

I like them described as an imaginary line or border: this emotional, psychological and physical line determines what – behaviours – you let in and what you let out.

You didn’t arrive with them. You have to identify them.

Growing up you will have experienced boundaries – or not – laid down by the primary caregivers in your life. Some of you will have grown up in environments with healthy boundaries – not too rigid, not too loose, but consistent. Others will have experienced no boundaries in place, and the rest with very fixed boundaries.

What type you experienced will have impacted you, it’s important to say here that it’s your responsibility to work with your boundaries and maintain a healthy set for yourself as an adult.

For example, for years, it was hard for me to follow through on what would happen if my personal boundaries were violated. I would set them. Know them. Be aware of my own lines in the sand, but I found it hard to tell others what they were.

I grew up in a rigid boundaries household, but it was also very confusing for a child. One parent would be more relaxed with boundaries than the other. And challenging a boundary as a child – if I thought it was unfair – was a no no in our household. You didn’t rock boats, and conflict was pretty much avoided at all costs.

One of the main reasons for my wishy-washy (we will get to this phrase) personal boundaries was my people-pleasing little issue I had, stemmed from childhood when it was forbidden to question.

My point: if you know you have unhealthy personal boundaries (see above), you may find it useful to look backwards to notice what was happening in your most impressionable years. The answers will be lurking there.

There is a great one-liner in counselling and coaching which is covered during personal boundaries training, it goes something like this, ‘boundaries help you know where your client ends and your begins’.

This applies to all relationships, not just certain professions. For healthy personal boundaries we work at knowing ourselves, and learn not to merge ourselves with others (that’s co-dependency).

Personal Boundaries are ultimately about the Protection of Self

For me, I used to ask, ‘This protection of self. What am I protecting exactly? My values? Ideas? Identity? Uniqueness? Beliefs? Individuality? Thoughts?’

Answer? All of them.

Self-protection is keeping your own self safe from harm, injury or damage.

We’ve probably all heard of self-defence classes to protect us physically from threat. Protection of Self and healthy personal boundaries are about protecting ourselves emotionally, psychologically and physically: free from harmful behaviours, manipulation, threat and having the tools to ensure that we affirm and maintain self-worth.

Healthy personal boundaries are your safeguard

When I worked with vulnerable adults and children the phrase we used a lot was Safeguarding. In that profession, there was a lot of professional and personal boundaries, practices, regulations and rules that I had to adhere to. To protect myself, the child/adult I worked with, the organisation and society.

They are the limits you set for and on yourself.
They are the lines you use to help you define your core values,.
They are your own set of standards of what behaviour you accept and don’t for yourself and upon yourself.
They are set by you to keep you safe, and (with practice) they help others feel safe around you.
They are your own filtration system of what gets in, what’s left out.
And they are your guide, letting you know what you need to do when you feel your own code of conduct is threatened, violated and stampeded on.

Personal Boundaries are about self-respect

Not about being right or wrong.

Self-respect is your own judgement of you, that you are a worthwhile human being and as such you don’t suppress your feelings, wants, needs and wishes. If you feel you can’t express these at present, one place to look is your boundaries.

Please don’t think that everything you want in life is met, that’s not how life goes. But you respect yourself and see who you are as worthy as stating your sense of Self in all your relationships.

It’s about responding and not reacting when you feel your personal boundaries are being manipulated, violated and disrespected (and not to behave in this way towards others). So, to express them, other skills are required: emotional intelligence, self-love and a positive self-regard.

It’s about respecting yourself enough to not bully, coerce or use aggression when you state what you would like to happen if you feel your boundaries have been crossed. And not to feel shame, guilt or nervous either.

Try this. Next time we will look at the types, forms and styles of personal boundaries, we have a way to go but a lot of the personal boundaries you have today – healthy or not – will have come from previous experiences, significant past relationships (including care primary givers), what and who you observed as a child.

That means some of the boundaries you have set for yourself today may be a fall-out from your past. They may not be yours, but they may belong to those individuals in your earlier years (like beliefs and values). They’ve been handed down to you, the same lines in the sand.

Have a look again at the Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries (above), or download them here as a PDF. Ask yourself for each of your answers: is this acceptable or unacceptable in my life, where did I learn this, what could happen if you set a new boundary for a new behaviour, what would you like the new boundary to be?

Truth and Lies

January 18 Dawn

What is the greatest truth you have learnt so far? And what is it’s story? Do tell, remembering the most important truths can sometimes be revealed in a lie.

– Scottish Storytelling Centre

Often our lies get in the way of telling our truths. The lies are strong. Not that we meant to create them.

We tend to hold on to the lies, believing we can’t give them up. They have been told for so long we don’t know where to start picking to unravel them. Sadly we have no idea when they were first born.

We eventually realise that it’s only our lies that are dragging us down and keeping us hidden from our core. We learn that the lies are hurting us more than anything else possibly could.

In my own experience – and listening to others – what people really want is peace, love and happiness. They want to wake up each day and know they do matter, that they are and will always be okay regardless of what they have to face in life.

But, oh, my, the lies that get in the way of that simplicity. Not only content with learning a lie, we seek out people who confirm that the myths we are telling ourselves are true. Repeated often enough the lies become the belief.

I’ve lied/lie to myself. And I don’t know any other human being who hasn’t. I’ve learnt though that it’s the smallest lies that I’ve told myself (and been taught) that have caused the most distortions in my life. I’ve well and truly deceived myself.

We move back and forth between truth and lies. But it’s only in exposing the lies can you begin the process of turning up truth. The poet, Rilke, wrote: “I want to unfold, I don’t want to stay folded anywhere, because where I am folded, there I am a lie”

There will be times, many of them, when we can hear beneath the endless babble of the lies that a quiet voice speaking to us. Almost inaudible until we turn to listen, but it’s there, always. It’s still us. It’s part of the story. That’s the unfolding.

I invite you to have a feast with your lies. Ask them to sit with you. Expose them. Feel them when you tell them. Don’t resist not looking at them. Accept they have existed and ask yourself how did you learn that lie. Frame it in a past story. Tell it how it was. Then unfold – or start to unpack – the truth.

What is the most distorted lie you have told/are telling about your life? What is the actual truth?

Links: Scottish Storytelling Centre