Are you a person who says often ‘oh, I hate conflict, I avoid it all costs’? The cost you are avoiding is a high price to pay for your own confidence and self respect.
The word ‘conflict’ is loaded with ambiguity. For many of us the word conflict creates negative pictures, it is used in all forms of media and generally is something to be avoided at ALL costs. It is no surprise then that many of us try to avoid it.
There are so many definitions of conflict, however lets define it here as being…
…parties are in a disagreement and feel as though their needs, wants and wishes are being compromised.
It’s a simple definition; yet, we can make meaning out of it.
As long as human beings communicate, there will be conflict. Unless the human race eventually realises that not one person thinks the same way, feels the same emotions, has the same experiences or witnesses events in the same way then conflict has the door to exist.
From a personal development view, conflict can be an opportunity to grow, develop and increase skills in empathy, understanding, emotional intelligence and assertiveness.
On a training course I delivered, to members of the same staff team, they had a period of time when they were in conflict with each other, about what should be happening in the workplace. Although managed, there was an opportunity to resolve the conflict however one person apologised for saying how they felt and other accepted the apology!
Neither had anything to be sorry for, the apology came from a place of ‘please don’t hate me, for saying how I really feel’.
When conflict exist it is really easy to remember that that emotions that you are feeling the other party is feeling them too, and that is the starting point. Explore (even if you have to imagine) what the other person might be feeling, thinking, behaving.
Put yourself in their shoes so to speak.
Unresolved conflict is unhealthy emotionally and physically, here are a few steps:
Acknowledge and verbally state with the other party that conflict exists, be gently and ensure that this is not a conflict! Use words such as ‘I feel that there is conflict here, shall we try and resolve it?’ As opposed to ‘we need to meet to talk’, which says nothing.
Agree with the person a time, space and place to meet and discuss. Be prepared before by creating a list of what you want to say and what you want to understand from the other side.
Set the goal that this meeting is not about adding to the conflict, it’s about resolution, the goal may also include how you want to leave the meeting and how you would like the conflict resolved.
Listen, you could agree that each person has 5 minutes to put across their concerns, views, problems, suggestions etc whilst the other person listens with no interruptions or questioning at this stage. Then let others have the same amount of time. If anyone chips in or starts to question, gently and firmly state ‘let’s have five minutes’ each.
Agree where the conflict exists, what are the specifics, identify where you agree on certain points.
Create a list of where the conflicts are and work through each one.
To set the goal that this conflict is going to be resolved the name of this list is important, ‘The Problems’ is not as effective as ‘Points To Grow’.
Own what you say. If this meeting is loaded with ‘you make me’, ‘when you’ or other ‘you’ you may not mean it however you are not owning what you say.
You could try ‘when X or Y happens, it makes me feel, I would prefer it if…(give an example of how you would like the behaviour to be)’.
You are then not attacking the person, you own what you say…when you use the word ‘I’.
One of the greatest skills you can learn is compromise. Accept the fact that you are not always going to be able to get ALL things your way. That is unrealistic, especially if your conflict is with another human being. Most people DO want to compromise however to do this effectively you need to let go.
No, not give up, let go.
Identify all the possible solutions to the conflict, ones you may not even have thought of. If there are many choices then one or two will possible sit well with you. And one where you can compromise.
Once the solutions have been agreed, they must be actioned.
Ensure that all parties visually agree either by nodding their head that the solution is one that everyone is in agreement with. Acknowledge the fact that not everyone may be comfortable with the final decision however the agreement means that movement forward has been made.
Take action on the agreement and set a time to review the actions have been completed.
If the above falls down and people leave the meeting still feeling resentment towards on another then perhaps a third party who is impartial should be involved.