Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

All blog post Moxie Living

The Case For Personal Development

How come we think we don’t have to carry on our personal development once we have stopped our formal education?

Is it because we equate learning and growth with the educational asylums institutions we attended in our early years.  Are we just ‘done’ with learning by the time we reach adulthood?

Naturally, you keep acquiring knowledge throughout your lives (some useful, some a complete waste of time), and you of course learn new skills and attributes throughout your working lives and all the roles you have played.

If you get to the point (or already have) of thinking that you no longer need to learn, you’re showing how closed your mind is, and how entrenched in your attitudes you are.

The ‘I’know it all’ approach to life doesn’t allow for change, and doesn’t allow for growth. To be a fully rounded and healthy person, is it not necessary to be able to respond to changes in your lives, in your environments and in your heart and mind?

No-one is perfect, and no-one knows everything there is to know. As the saying goes ‘there is always someone smarter than you’. Thankfully you don’t need to know everything, but it’s pretty useful to know when you need to learn something, and when you need to develop new skills and abilities.

Goal Setting Works

Generally speaking, it helps to have a goal or two in mind towards your personal development, and to have the right sort of attitude.

Many people start with the ‘I can’t do that’ approach to goal setting.  They focus on their limits rather than focussing on the solution or end result.   Your energy should be directed to working out exactly what it is we need to do better and how.

Confidence is everything really, and confidence in your ability to learn and improve will make an amazing difference to your success.

If you are convinced that you can’t learn something, then you have already lost the battle. If you can tell yourself that if other people can do it, then so can you, this is a sign that you are on the way to success.

Once you have given yourself permission to be confident about your abilities, and to hold your head high with others, you can really work on the aspirations for improvement.

Make sure you aim high enough

 Low level goals are too easy, and don’t test your abilities sufficiently. Aiming too high means you are less likely to meet your target – so maybe you need to set goals that divide up the big task and deal with these one at a time. It is important to make a realistic assessment about how you are going to achieve your goals.

Once you know what you are aiming for, you need to make a sensible plan of how you are going to get there.

Plans are essential

 Plans allocate time for certain tasks, and break tasks down into manageable proportions. Plans enable you to make the best use of your time, and to develop the skills required to get things done.

It is important to be goal oriented. It is all very well reading up on something, but you need to put theory into practice. For many people, it’s a matter of lots of talk, but not so much action.

With everything you do, try and ensure there is a measurable outcome that you can identify as a target, and can be seen to be done.

Don’t let obstacles get in your way. When things get difficult, it’s important that you don’t give up. If we never have to overcome problems on our way, we would find life to be an easy ride. The test is how you overcome problems on the road to achievement and success.

If you consider some of the most successful people in the world today, you will find many of them have had more than one career, and many of them have experienced failure in the first degree and continued on to great future success. This reflects their self belief and determination.

So when things go wrong, learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others. Never think you know best all the time, and acknowledge that sometimes you do. You should always think it possible to learn something new.

There are various stages in the path to self development. First, you need to take stock of yourself, your life and your dreams. If you don’t have any dreams, or visions of the future, then you need to spend some time working out where you are going in your life, and whether you should be changing anything.

You need to consider carefully whether your attitudes, feelings and beliefs, your behavior and your actions, are quite what you want them to be. Are they going to hinder or help you achieve your goals and desires? Or do you need to take steps to retrain yourself in certain ways, and work towards a healthier, better life management plan?

Self confidence, self belief, a certain amount of modesty, a positive attitude and a serious commitment are all essential elements to self development. Self development involves work, but it is work that will enable you to live your life fully, and give you the satisfaction of making not only your own dreams come true, but helping others to do so too.

Which Sat Nav Do You Listen To?

Last week I was sitting doing the email ‘thing’ and the BBC News threw up in front of me the headline…Man Follows Sat Nav To Edge of Cliff!

Curious, because as you may know these ’strict, very scary voices’ who reside in ’sat navs’ don’t do much for the old self-esteem i.e. when you miss your exit they bellow out of a tiny piece of plastic ‘Turn back, you eegit, you have missed your turning, honestly, tut, have you passed your test, do you listen to a word I say’…and so on!

(If you have not experienced the voice of a sat nav, go on a journey with someone who does have one, but I insist you take wrong turnings…you’ll quickly get what I mean)

Anyway, the headline, in short…man, in a car heading along a dirt track followed his sat nav because it was telling him where to go he said, I paraphrase: “It kept insisting the path was a road, even as it was getting narrower and steeper. I just trusted it. You don’t expect to be taken nearly off a cliff.”

True, and yet…

Who do you insist on listening to, when you already know that the decision you made is the best one for you at this time?

It got me thinking. We are pretty much like sat navs, or lemmings?

Eh?

Well, we are programmed, yes?

We choose one direction over another, right?

And yet, we ‘listen to the experts’ even when our intuition, gut feelings and emotions tell us otherwise. And worse, we generally know when we are completely on the wrong the path and keep going.

So before you go and head of the edge of a cliff…listen up:

If you have ever asked yourself “Where am I going? Is this for me? Is how I am living my life making me happy” well first, take heart, you’re not alone.

Mostly likely you have probably already said this to your best friend over a pint or to family member while wolfing down another roast potato at Sunday dinner. No doubt an answer was forthcoming, but…

Have you ever considered what influence just one opinion can have over the entire course of your life?

One rule set by someone else that shaped an entire chapter?

One wrong piece of info that sent you in the wrong direction?

Okay, we speak to the people we trust and that in itself is vitally important. Family and friends offer (usually) instant confidentiality and some form of understanding.

So where’s the problem?

Unfortunately, us little Earthlings can have a tendency to be Lemmings and easily swayed with what others say. Peoples’ opinions are marred by their own experience and while valuable, should we guard ourselves against it becoming our own?

Here’s the thing…every person’s life experience is unique to them. Yeah, you know that. So, you’ll agree that every opinion therefore is unique to the individual, right?

“This is obvious advice” I hear you cry and you’re right!

Now though, take a moment and look back at your past decisions.

Let’s, for simplicity, use your career…

How many times have you changed what you wanted to do simply because one person said it was a “bad idea” or “You’re too old to start now!”.

So now I’m here giving you a second opinion!

Why listen to just one person! If you desire to ask others opinions (which is pretty human by the way) I challenge you to find a third, then a fourth until you flesh out those questions I mentioned earlier.

“Okay, I’ve spoken to Bob the landlord at the pub, any good?”. Well, if you intend to become a bar keeper and want to pull pints, absolutely! Though, if you’re thinking mechanic, I’d hear what Bob has to say, but pop down and speak to Jake ‘fix it all’ Mechanic in town.

Moral? There is one, honest…

While it is important to bounce ideas of various different people, it’s most important you speak to people already doing what you’re thinking you may want to do, be or become.

I mean if you need your accounts done you’ll go to an accountant, you’d hardly take it over Jake ‘fix it all’ Mechanic.

Are you seeing the moral yet?

Remember, the only person who places limitations on what you can do is ultimately yourself.

Like Napoleon Hill said. “What the mind of man (authors note and women:) can conceive and believe, it can achieve”.

While a nice sentiment you may want to keep in mind: all successful change in behaviour will be exactly proportional to the effort you put into it.

Speak to just one person and you have a single opinion.

Speak to ten and you have lot to think about! Whichever way you look at it you will always gain more by having ‘lots to think about’ and owe it to yourself to do so.

Ultimately this is important: you are the judge, the jury and dependent on how hard you work will be either the executioner or the saviour of your life.

Okay, and the sat nav?

I say, use ‘them’ sparingly – life is not the destination! Programme your own. If you need to use another’s, always have your intuition, it’s usually right- or else go over the cliff!

How Far Do You Go?

“If I expose my nakedness to you, will you make me feel shame”?

Before we go on, let me state pleasantly and without smut, the ‘nakedness’ has nothing to do with shedding your clothes including undergarments and exposing winter skin!

No, the ‘nakedness’ I’m referring to here…is about you: the real you, the you without ego, the true ‘laid bare’ you, the parts of you that you hide, the you that’s only ever exposed in your head, the vulnerable you, the you that hides certain emotions and aspects of your personality, the you that on occasion can make you feel uncomfortable with you!

Get the picture? You!

(As for the second part of the quote, we’ll get to that in about two minutes.)

Maybe you can relate…

Have you ever had a conversation that was full of ‘How are you feeling?’ or ‘How are things?’ or ‘How is such and such going?’ or ‘What about this and that?’  Yes?

You have the conversation, you answer the questions, your provide the information…’oh fine, great, this happened, that happened’ and then…you repeat and have the same conversation over and over, only with different people, in different places (or with the same person with time being the only difference.)

Were you really ‘you’ in these conversations? Or where you just THERE!

These are safety conversations; there is nothing that is going to really require an exposing of the real you, heck, the chances are the person asking will already have your answer (in their head) before you reply.

(Oh, and of course safety conversations have their place.)

Now, are you able to think of the people that KNOW YOU.  That claim to KNOW you really well.  That have perhaps declared ‘I know you better than you know yourself’

Have you managed to think of anyone? How many? One? Two?  Zero?

For some relationships, these same questions cease to exist when they people in question have ‘exposed’ themselves or ‘stripped themselves bare’ with another human being.

Relationships shift and move, you can never have the same interaction twice: and over time, some are developed and some are culled.

Is it when we expose who we really are or when we are unable to look at the nakedness of another?

Just over the New Year I had a friend come to stay.  There were no safety questions, none.  And just recently through Facebook, I’ve made connections with people I have not seen in years…on meeting up after such a long time, again no ‘safe’ questions.

Why?  Is it because somewhere along the in the relationships with these individuals we have exposed to each other to who we REALLY are?  And this exposing is so visible, so open, that time cannot close it down again?

Maybe it events that occurred (that we shared in the past) that because of their very nature have been impossible to cover up how we really feel?  We have seen the nudity of all our emotions, beliefs, habits, attitudes, and values. Been startled, perhaps upset by what we have saw, confused, vulnerable…

And have now reached the point of ‘this is me, this is who I really am, this is what I am, in no way am I shameful of exposing to you’…why?

Because you show me know shame!

And perhaps, are there are people in your life (like mine) who you spend vast amount of time with, where you share and interact, yet you have never opened up in the same way?

In some relationships, questions are asked that probe, demand, request, bully you into sharing who you really are.  And unfortunately, once they have broken the seal and the box is open they reject you; they will set in motion a series of behaviours that let you know that your nakedness is too shameful for them.

They may go on to make you feel guilty that you have emotions, that you are an imperfect human being, that you have faults, shortcomings, vulnerabilities and flaws.

Maybe before we undress (emotionally) and a let person in to our world (which we need to do for healthy relationships) is it worth evaluating how much you can expose?

And lastly if someone shames you for being all that you are, shame on them.

What do they have to expose and what are they scared to undress?

Are You Too Angry?

When is it acceptable to display anger?  After all it is an emotion and we all can feel it at certain times.  We know it’s healthier to accept and show exactly how we are feeling, yet, when is too much anger damaging to your health and on the people around you witnessing this emotion?

You may already know if you have a problem with anger, those times when you feel out of control and you are actually frightened by your own behaviour.  There is a good chance that you are aware that the level at which you display your anger is having a detrimental effect on your health, life and relationships. 
What is anger anyway?

Imagine a line, at one end of the line are the words ‘slightly annoyed’ and at the other end ‘furious’, that should conjure up a scale for you. 

At various points in between could be words such as: upset, frustrated, and irritated.  They are all on the ‘anger scale’.  However, there are some people that live towards the furious end for the majority of their waking hours.
If that’s you, (or you know someone who lives like this) you don’t need me to tell you how frightening this can be. 
There are biological and physical changes when we ‘feel’ anger.  Anger is a surge of adrenalin, like ALL emotions if the energy has been created it has to be used, the energy can be so great it can be describes as ‘I exploded’, no you didn’t explode however the energy you had in anger did.

Anger is like a cloak, if you were to look at the areas of your life where you display anger, you may find that when you remove the cloak there is a more accurate assessment of what you are feeling, jealousy, pain, hurt, injustice. 
If you did not release the anger that negative energy can turn back on you, in others words it can be ‘pent up anger’.  At some point that energy must be released, it must come out, have you ever ‘saw red’? 

Are you a driver?  Are you ‘normally’ a calm, assertive person?  Yet, has another driver ever cut you up and you have tooted the horn, shouted, caught the other drivers’ eye and mouthed words you do not normally use? 
Perhaps you are in a relationship and you and your partner communicate in anger.  It’s a daily activity, it’s normal behaviour, to perhaps your children and family you could be describe as the ‘that’s just the way they are’ couple. 
When was the last time you actually moved along the scale?  How did you get to this place?  When did you both give the permission to say ‘let’s not be honest and really describe how we are feeling, lets exist in anger’? 

There is not the scope here to delve into all the cause of why the above to cases are happening.  Anger is acceptable to display, as long as the anger is not a misdirected and excuse for other emotions. 
So, are you are too angry?

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Saying Yes Also Increases Self Confidence

You may have completed a personal development programme or an assertiveness building course where you learnt how to say no and mean it.

However saying yes can also increase your assertiveness and self esteem.

Here’s what I mean…

Of course there are times when saying no counts and it’s meant.  Usually, when we are being manipulated or forced into something by others.  If assertiveness is the ability to express our needs, wants, rights and wishes without taking away anyone else’s…are we unassertive with our own selves at times?

Here is the mix up…some of you automatically say no to great offers, fantastic opportunities and brilliant chances not because you are being assertive but perhaps you are genuinely frightened and scared to say yes.

Think about it for a minute, how many times have you said no yet deep down you knew that it would be good for you?  For example, it could be a social opportunity, let’s say a party.  Your asked, you say no and then when the time arrives when the party is happening, you wished you were there, you have regrets missing out and tell yourself you will say yes next time.

Perhaps you say ‘yes’ and then you talk yourself into a no.  Maybe you have signed for a course and when the day comes to attend you wake up and decide not to go.  Yet, you knew when you said yes it was just what you needed at the time, it was perfect for you, it would have met your needs and wants.

In these cases the saying no isn’t assertiveness but a lack of confidence.

How can you say yes more often…

Try not give an automatic no…follow your instinct, you will know when a no is required and mean it.  By pausing you can…

Picture the benefits you said yes…but what if it doesn’t turn out that way?  Hey you don’t control everything.  At least you will be preparing yourself.

If you say no, weigh up what you would be losing

If you say yes, tell yourself what you would be gaining

By being able to say yes and no will increase your assertiveness skills.

Public Speaking and Self Confidence

We all know that public speaking is one of the biggest (home grown)fears that people have. 

In fact I think public speaking and self confidence (or lack of) is still at number one: beating death and moving house hands down!

Even though I’m a trainer it doesn’t mean before I stand up there I don’t feel slightly anxious or have a little bit of the butterflies.

People look for information on public speaking and self confidence all over the Internet and there are many books that tell you how to give the perfect presentation.

My thought…if you don’t deal with the fear I would be surprised if you actually made it through the book.  The fear would be so intense you may get to end and not remember a word, always in the back of your mind is the looming thought of ’standing up there’.

Let’s look at this logically.  Genuinely, what is the worst that could happen?  Dry mouth? Sweaty palms? Forget your topic or speech? You freeze?  You trip going up there?

I think people get so hung up on what others will be thinking and that’s where the lack of self confidence appears in public speaking – Am I good enough? Why should they listen to me? Am I entertaining?  Will they laugh?  What if they hate me?

Here’s a few suggestions:

Always remember your audience are human beings, and the vast majority of them will also hate presenting.  Therefore be human…build a relationship first, before you even get onto your topic.  They may have been sitting there for hours already, acknowledge that, say something ‘you have been sitting there a while, at least I have had the chance to move my legs coming up here, I bet your jealous’.

Keep them curious…the most fatal mistake is going through your material verbatim from a PowerPoint screen.  Plan a story, ask for people to put their hands up to a question, ask for questions at the beginning ‘here is my topic, any questions before I start?’…okay you may not get any, if you don’t say ‘that’s okay, you have the opportunity at the end’.  At least that way you have basically said ‘look I want you to input, your comments are valuable and I see you as valuable’.

What’s happening on your inside during your public speaking cannot be seen.  Honestly it can’t   Think about it, how many times have you been nervous in the past and you have covered it well.  Have you not taken back control of your breathing, your posture, your words.  It is possible in a public speaking scenario as well.

Spend 90% of your planning time on you and the other 10% on the content.  Getting ‘you’ in an excellent state of mind will massively improve your public speaking.  Visualise the event, think about how you want to feel after you have done, picture how it’s all going to delivered, talk yourself up as opposed to down.

The free confidence building training course will help you with public speaking and self confidence.