Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

Last week I was sitting doing the email ‘thing’ and the BBC News threw up in front of me the headline…Man Follows Sat Nav To Edge of Cliff!

Curious, because as you may know these ’strict, very scary voices’ who reside in ’sat navs’ don’t do much for the old self-esteem i.e. when you miss your exit they bellow out of a tiny piece of plastic ‘Turn back, you eegit, you have missed your turning, honestly, tut, have you passed your test, do you listen to a word I say’…and so on!

(If you have not experienced the voice of a sat nav, go on a journey with someone who does have one, but I insist you take wrong turnings…you’ll quickly get what I mean)

Anyway, the headline, in short…man, in a car heading along a dirt track followed his sat nav because it was telling him where to go he said, I paraphrase: “It kept insisting the path was a road, even as it was getting narrower and steeper. I just trusted it. You don’t expect to be taken nearly off a cliff.”

True, and yet…

Who do you insist on listening to, when you already know that the decision you made is the best one for you at this time?

It got me thinking. We are pretty much like sat navs, or lemmings?

Eh?

Well, we are programmed, yes?

We choose one direction over another, right?

And yet, we ‘listen to the experts’ even when our intuition, gut feelings and emotions tell us otherwise. And worse, we generally know when we are completely on the wrong the path and keep going.

So before you go and head of the edge of a cliff…listen up:

If you have ever asked yourself “Where am I going? Is this for me? Is how I am living my life making me happy” well first, take heart, you’re not alone.

Mostly likely you have probably already said this to your best friend over a pint or to family member while wolfing down another roast potato at Sunday dinner. No doubt an answer was forthcoming, but…

Have you ever considered what influence just one opinion can have over the entire course of your life?

One rule set by someone else that shaped an entire chapter?

One wrong piece of info that sent you in the wrong direction?

Okay, we speak to the people we trust and that in itself is vitally important. Family and friends offer (usually) instant confidentiality and some form of understanding.

So where’s the problem?

Unfortunately, us little Earthlings can have a tendency to be Lemmings and easily swayed with what others say. Peoples’ opinions are marred by their own experience and while valuable, should we guard ourselves against it becoming our own?

Here’s the thing…every person’s life experience is unique to them. Yeah, you know that. So, you’ll agree that every opinion therefore is unique to the individual, right?

“This is obvious advice” I hear you cry and you’re right!

Now though, take a moment and look back at your past decisions.

Let’s, for simplicity, use your career…

How many times have you changed what you wanted to do simply because one person said it was a “bad idea” or “You’re too old to start now!”.

So now I’m here giving you a second opinion!

Why listen to just one person! If you desire to ask others opinions (which is pretty human by the way) I challenge you to find a third, then a fourth until you flesh out those questions I mentioned earlier.

“Okay, I’ve spoken to Bob the landlord at the pub, any good?”. Well, if you intend to become a bar keeper and want to pull pints, absolutely! Though, if you’re thinking mechanic, I’d hear what Bob has to say, but pop down and speak to Jake ‘fix it all’ Mechanic in town.

Moral? There is one, honest…

While it is important to bounce ideas of various different people, it’s most important you speak to people already doing what you’re thinking you may want to do, be or become.

I mean if you need your accounts done you’ll go to an accountant, you’d hardly take it over Jake ‘fix it all’ Mechanic.

Are you seeing the moral yet?

Remember, the only person who places limitations on what you can do is ultimately yourself.

Like Napoleon Hill said. “What the mind of man (authors note and women:) can conceive and believe, it can achieve”.

While a nice sentiment you may want to keep in mind: all successful change in behaviour will be exactly proportional to the effort you put into it.

Speak to just one person and you have a single opinion.

Speak to ten and you have lot to think about! Whichever way you look at it you will always gain more by having ‘lots to think about’ and owe it to yourself to do so.

Ultimately this is important: you are the judge, the jury and dependent on how hard you work will be either the executioner or the saviour of your life.

Okay, and the sat nav?

I say, use ‘them’ sparingly – life is not the destination! Programme your own. If you need to use another’s, always have your intuition, it’s usually right- or else go over the cliff!

“If I expose my nakedness to you, will you make me feel shame”?

Before we go on, let me state pleasantly and without smut, the ‘nakedness’ has nothing to do with shedding your clothes including undergarments and exposing winter skin!

No, the ‘nakedness’ I’m referring to here…is about you: the real you, the you without ego, the true ‘laid bare’ you, the parts of you that you hide, the you that’s only ever exposed in your head, the vulnerable you, the you that hides certain emotions and aspects of your personality, the you that on occasion can make you feel uncomfortable with you!

Get the picture? You!

(As for the second part of the quote, we’ll get to that in about two minutes.)

Maybe you can relate…

Have you ever had a conversation that was full of ‘How are you feeling?’ or ‘How are things?’ or ‘How is such and such going?’ or ‘What about this and that?’  Yes?

You have the conversation, you answer the questions, your provide the information…’oh fine, great, this happened, that happened’ and then…you repeat and have the same conversation over and over, only with different people, in different places (or with the same person with time being the only difference.)

Were you really ‘you’ in these conversations? Or where you just THERE!

These are safety conversations; there is nothing that is going to really require an exposing of the real you, heck, the chances are the person asking will already have your answer (in their head) before you reply.

(Oh, and of course safety conversations have their place.)

Now, are you able to think of the people that KNOW YOU.  That claim to KNOW you really well.  That have perhaps declared ‘I know you better than you know yourself’

Have you managed to think of anyone? How many? One? Two?  Zero?

For some relationships, these same questions cease to exist when they people in question have ‘exposed’ themselves or ‘stripped themselves bare’ with another human being.

Relationships shift and move, you can never have the same interaction twice: and over time, some are developed and some are culled.

Is it when we expose who we really are or when we are unable to look at the nakedness of another?

Just over the New Year I had a friend come to stay.  There were no safety questions, none.  And just recently through Facebook, I’ve made connections with people I have not seen in years…on meeting up after such a long time, again no ‘safe’ questions.

Why?  Is it because somewhere along the in the relationships with these individuals we have exposed to each other to who we REALLY are?  And this exposing is so visible, so open, that time cannot close it down again?

Maybe it events that occurred (that we shared in the past) that because of their very nature have been impossible to cover up how we really feel?  We have seen the nudity of all our emotions, beliefs, habits, attitudes, and values. Been startled, perhaps upset by what we have saw, confused, vulnerable…

And have now reached the point of ‘this is me, this is who I really am, this is what I am, in no way am I shameful of exposing to you’…why?

Because you show me know shame!

And perhaps, are there are people in your life (like mine) who you spend vast amount of time with, where you share and interact, yet you have never opened up in the same way?

In some relationships, questions are asked that probe, demand, request, bully you into sharing who you really are.  And unfortunately, once they have broken the seal and the box is open they reject you; they will set in motion a series of behaviours that let you know that your nakedness is too shameful for them.

They may go on to make you feel guilty that you have emotions, that you are an imperfect human being, that you have faults, shortcomings, vulnerabilities and flaws.

Maybe before we undress (emotionally) and a let person in to our world (which we need to do for healthy relationships) is it worth evaluating how much you can expose?

And lastly if someone shames you for being all that you are, shame on them.

What do they have to expose and what are they scared to undress?

You may have completed a personal development programme or an assertiveness building course where you learnt how to say no and mean it.

However saying yes can also increase your assertiveness and self esteem.

Here’s what I mean…

Of course there are times when saying no counts and it’s meant.  Usually, when we are being manipulated or forced into something by others.  If assertiveness is the ability to express our needs, wants, rights and wishes without taking away anyone else’s…are we unassertive with our own selves at times?

Here is the mix up…some of you automatically say no to great offers, fantastic opportunities and brilliant chances not because you are being assertive but perhaps you are genuinely frightened and scared to say yes.

Think about it for a minute, how many times have you said no yet deep down you knew that it would be good for you?  For example, it could be a social opportunity, let’s say a party.  Your asked, you say no and then when the time arrives when the party is happening, you wished you were there, you have regrets missing out and tell yourself you will say yes next time.

Perhaps you say ‘yes’ and then you talk yourself into a no.  Maybe you have signed for a course and when the day comes to attend you wake up and decide not to go.  Yet, you knew when you said yes it was just what you needed at the time, it was perfect for you, it would have met your needs and wants.

In these cases the saying no isn’t assertiveness but a lack of confidence.

How can you say yes more often…

Try not give an automatic no…follow your instinct, you will know when a no is required and mean it.  By pausing you can…

Picture the benefits you said yes…but what if it doesn’t turn out that way?  Hey you don’t control everything.  At least you will be preparing yourself.

If you say no, weigh up what you would be losing

If you say yes, tell yourself what you would be gaining

By being able to say yes and no will increase your assertiveness skills.