Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

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How Far Do You Go?

January 7 Dawn

“If I expose my nakedness to you, will you make me feel shame”?

Before we go on, let me state pleasantly and without smut, the ‘nakedness’ has nothing to do with shedding your clothes including undergarments and exposing winter skin!

No, the ‘nakedness’ I’m referring to here…is about you: the real you, the you without ego, the true ‘laid bare’ you, the parts of you that you hide, the you that’s only ever exposed in your head, the vulnerable you, the you that hides certain emotions and aspects of your personality, the you that on occasion can make you feel uncomfortable with you!

Get the picture? You!

(As for the second part of the quote, we’ll get to that in about two minutes.)

Maybe you can relate…

Have you ever had a conversation that was full of ‘How are you feeling?’ or ‘How are things?’ or ‘How is such and such going?’ or ‘What about this and that?’ Yes?

You have the conversation, you answer the questions, your provide the information…’oh fine, great, this happened, that happened’ and then…you repeat and have the same conversation over and over, only with different people, in different places (or with the same person with time being the only difference.)

Were you really ‘you’ in these conversations? Or where you just THERE!

These are safety conversations; there is nothing that is going to really require an exposing of the real you, heck, the chances are the person asking will already have your answer (in their head) before you reply.

(Oh, and of course safety conversations have their place.)

Now, are you able to think of the people that KNOW YOU. That claim to KNOW you really well. That have perhaps declared ‘I know you better than you know yourself’

Have you managed to think of anyone? How many? One? Two? Zero?

For some relationships, these same questions cease to exist when they people in question have ‘exposed’ themselves or ‘stripped themselves bare’ with another human being.

Relationships shift and move, you can never have the same interaction twice: and over time, some are developed and some are culled.

Is it when we expose who we really are or when we are unable to look at the nakedness of another?

Just over the New Year I had a friend come to stay. There were no safety questions, none. And just recently through Facebook, I’ve made connections with people I have not seen in years…on meeting up after such a long time, again no ‘safe’ questions.

Why? Is it because somewhere along the in the relationships with these individuals we have exposed to each other to who we REALLY are? And this exposing is so visible, so open, that time cannot close it down again?

Maybe it events that occurred (that we shared in the past) that because of their very nature have been impossible to cover up how we really feel? We have seen the nudity of all our emotions, beliefs, habits, attitudes, and values. Been startled, perhaps upset by what we have saw, confused, vulnerable…

And have now reached the point of ‘this is me, this is who I really am, this is what I am, in no way am I shameful of exposing to you’…why?

Because you show me know shame!

And perhaps, are there are people in your life (like mine) who you spend vast amount of time with, where you share and interact, yet you have never opened up in the same way?

In some relationships, questions are asked that probe, demand, request, bully you into sharing who you really are. And unfortunately, once they have broken the seal and the box is open they reject you; they will set in motion a series of behaviours that let you know that your nakedness is too shameful for them.

They may go on to make you feel guilty that you have emotions, that you are an imperfect human being, that you have faults, shortcomings, vulnerabilities and flaws.

Maybe before we undress (emotionally) and a let person in to our world (which we need to do for healthy relationships) is it worth evaluating how much you can expose?

And lastly if someone shames you for being all that you are, shame on them.

What do they have to expose and what are they scared to undress?

Are You Too Angry?

December 2 Dawn

When is it acceptable to display anger? After all it is an emotion and we all can feel it at certain times. We know it’s healthier to accept and show exactly how we are feeling, yet, when is too much anger damaging to your health and on the people around you witnessing this emotion?

You may already know if you have a problem with anger, those times when you feel out of control and you are actually frightened by your own behaviour. There is a good chance that you are aware that the level at which you display your anger is having a detrimental effect on your health, life and relationships.
What is anger anyway?

Imagine a line, at one end of the line are the words ‘slightly annoyed’ and at the other end ‘furious’, that should conjure up a scale for you.

At various points in between could be words such as: upset, frustrated, and irritated. They are all on the ‘anger scale’. However, there are some people that live towards the furious end for the majority of their waking hours.
If that’s you, (or you know someone who lives like this) you don’t need me to tell you how frightening this can be.
There are biological and physical changes when we ‘feel’ anger. Anger is a surge of adrenalin, like ALL emotions if the energy has been created it has to be used, the energy can be so great it can be describes as ‘I exploded’, no you didn’t explode however the energy you had in anger did.

Anger is like a cloak, if you were to look at the areas of your life where you display anger, you may find that when you remove the cloak there is a more accurate assessment of what you are feeling, jealousy, pain, hurt, injustice.
If you did not release the anger that negative energy can turn back on you, in others words it can be ‘pent up anger’. At some point that energy must be released, it must come out, have you ever ‘saw red’?

Are you a driver? Are you ‘normally’ a calm, assertive person? Yet, has another driver ever cut you up and you have tooted the horn, shouted, caught the other drivers’ eye and mouthed words you do not normally use?
Perhaps you are in a relationship and you and your partner communicate in anger. It’s a daily activity, it’s normal behaviour, to perhaps your children and family you could be describe as the ‘that’s just the way they are’ couple.
When was the last time you actually moved along the scale? How did you get to this place? When did you both give the permission to say ‘let’s not be honest and really describe how we are feeling, lets exist in anger’?

There is not the scope here to delve into all the cause of why the above to cases are happening. Anger is acceptable to display, as long as the anger is not a misdirected and excuse for other emotions.
So, are you are too angry?

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Saying Yes Also Increases Self Confidence

November 19 Dawn

You may have completed a personal development programme or an assertiveness building course where you learnt how to say no and mean it.

However saying yes can also increase your assertiveness and self esteem.

Here’s what I mean…

Of course there are times when saying no counts and it’s meant. Usually, when we are being manipulated or forced into something by others. If assertiveness is the ability to express our needs, wants, rights and wishes without taking away anyone else’s…are we unassertive with our own selves at times?

Here is the mix up…some of you automatically say no to great offers, fantastic opportunities and brilliant chances not because you are being assertive but perhaps you are genuinely frightened and scared to say yes.

Think about it for a minute, how many times have you said no yet deep down you knew that it would be good for you? For example, it could be a social opportunity, let’s say a party. Your asked, you say no and then when the time arrives when the party is happening, you wished you were there, you have regrets missing out and tell yourself you will say yes next time.

Perhaps you say ‘yes’ and then you talk yourself into a no. Maybe you have signed for a course and when the day comes to attend you wake up and decide not to go. Yet, you knew when you said yes it was just what you needed at the time, it was perfect for you, it would have met your needs and wants.

In these cases the saying no isn’t assertiveness but a lack of confidence.

How can you say yes more often…

Try not give an automatic no…follow your instinct, you will know when a no is required and mean it. By pausing you can…

Picture the benefits you said yes…but what if it doesn’t turn out that way? Hey you don’t control everything. At least you will be preparing yourself.

If you say no, weigh up what you would be losing

If you say yes, tell yourself what you would be gaining

By being able to say yes and no will increase your assertiveness skills.

Public Speaking and Self Confidence

November 19 Dawn

We all know that public speaking is one of the biggest (home grown)fears that people have.

In fact I think public speaking and self confidence (or lack of) is still at number one: beating death and moving house hands down!

Even though I’m a trainer it doesn’t mean before I stand up there I don’t feel slightly anxious or have a little bit of the butterflies.

People look for information on public speaking and self confidence all over the Internet and there are many books that tell you how to give the perfect presentation.

My thought…if you don’t deal with the fear I would be surprised if you actually made it through the book. The fear would be so intense you may get to end and not remember a word, always in the back of your mind is the looming thought of ’standing up there’.

Let’s look at this logically. Genuinely, what is the worst that could happen? Dry mouth? Sweaty palms? Forget your topic or speech? You freeze? You trip going up there?

I think people get so hung up on what others will be thinking and that’s where the lack of self confidence appears in public speaking – Am I good enough? Why should they listen to me? Am I entertaining? Will they laugh? What if they hate me?

Here’s a few suggestions:

Always remember your audience are human beings, and the vast majority of them will also hate presenting. Therefore be human…build a relationship first, before you even get onto your topic. They may have been sitting there for hours already, acknowledge that, say something ‘you have been sitting there a while, at least I have had the chance to move my legs coming up here, I bet your jealous’.

Keep them curious…the most fatal mistake is going through your material verbatim from a PowerPoint screen. Plan a story, ask for people to put their hands up to a question, ask for questions at the beginning ‘here is my topic, any questions before I start?’…okay you may not get any, if you don’t say ‘that’s okay, you have the opportunity at the end’. At least that way you have basically said ‘look I want you to input, your comments are valuable and I see you as valuable’.

What’s happening on your inside during your public speaking cannot be seen. Honestly it can’t Think about it, how many times have you been nervous in the past and you have covered it well. Have you not taken back control of your breathing, your posture, your words. It is possible in a public speaking scenario as well.

Spend 90% of your planning time on you and the other 10% on the content. Getting ‘you’ in an excellent state of mind will massively improve your public speaking. Visualise the event, think about how you want to feel after you have done, picture how it’s all going to delivered, talk yourself up as opposed to down.

The free confidence building training course will help you with public speaking and self confidence.

How Well Do You Handle Conflict?

November 19 Dawn

How well a person handles conflict can determine the quality of both personal and professional relationships.

Relationships are determined to be good when they are open, without judgement, honest and respectful. The opposite of this is when relationships are critical, destructive and offer no safe place, this breakdown in communication can all to soon lead to conflict between parties.

How well do you handle conflict? Read the following questions and decide what is your most common response.

Do you avoid conflict?
Are you defensive if another person raises an objection to your ideas?
Do you use phrases like ‘you made me feel’ or ‘you always do that’?
Do you feel that you have to be ‘right’ all the time?
Do you say things like ‘I know what you’re thinking’?
Do you stop listening if you do not like what you are hearing?
Are you happy when you when an argument or disagreement?
Do you attack a person rather than confront a behaviour?
Do you use a ‘do this my way or not all’ approach?
Do you blank and give the silent treatment in times of conflict?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions you may already be aware that conflict is not something that you handle to the best of your ability.

How do you behave when conflict arises?

Do you become passive and ‘bow out’ or at the other extreme do you display anger and resentment? Somewhere in between? Does it depend who the conflict is with?

By learning to handle yourself in conflict it will increase and enhance your Interpersonal Communication Skills, being able to open and express yourself fully, valuing who you are and your core values whilst at the same time recognising that this right also belongs to other people as well.

By asserting this…relationships deepen and are built on stronger foundations.

Conflict is not the enemy, it is how we feel about it that is, as social animals our need to interact and build relationships with others contradicts this when conflict arises however you can make the choice to embrace conflict as the opportunity to grow and deal with differences that are between us.

By preventing yourself to creating meaningful relationships. Conflict does not have to seen as an unpleasant, anger fuelled, argumentative — it can an opportunity for you to respect who you are and voice how you feel.

What to do if…

You avoid conflict

At times conflict can be unpleasant, however if you start to see conflict as an opportunity to grow and develop your understanding of who you are and learn from it, this can reduce this unpleasantness. To avoid it means you are passing by an opportunity to resolve differences.

You are defensive

To accept that each person is an individual and as such they will not agree with you all time, is an excellent skill to learn. You have choices, allowing the person to raise their objections is their right, would you always willing go along with everyone else’s ideas, all the time.

Email Signature, ‘C’mon What’s Wrong With Love?

August 12 Dawn

For sometime now I have been ‘signing off’ in my email signatures, blog posts, correspondence with the phrase ‘Love and best wishes’…recently I was chatting with a couple of friends who said, ready…?

‘You shouldn’t use the word love in your email, people don’t know you and they will think it’s too informal, it’s not professional!’

Mmm, perhaps it’s not a huge point, but it has got me thinking.

In fact if anything, it’s got me thinking I should ditch the ‘best wishes’ part…but that’s for another post.

I’d ‘love’ to know your thoughts and what your sign off is, but first:

Well, let’s see, over the past five years you have read from me in emails:

‘Yours Sincerely’ (too formal – especially for me)
‘Kind Regards’ (I never ever liked that one, reminds me of solicitors letters)
‘In love and light’ (I think some of you ran a mile at that phrase, does suit a Reiki Practice though)
‘Have a Wonderful Day’ (I think I’d seen someone else use that one)
‘To Your Success’ (that was okay, I think?)

and I can’t believe I’m writing this one:

‘Your Fiery Friend’ (that lasted about a day as I’m strawberry blond not a ginger, and I was just being a smart ass.)

There have been others I’ve spouted at you, but they are long gone from my memory (hopefully yours too…oh, and please don’t shame me by sending me reminders, delete all old emails from me, okay?)

But…love and best wishes…what do you think? Are our email signatures are reflection of who we are?

I love the word ‘love’…what’s wrong with love?

Too ‘touchy feely’?
Too ‘out there’?
Uncomfortable?
Overrated?
Underused?
World (still) not ready for it?
Too cheesy?

Here’s my thoughts, (and I’d love to know if you agree or disagree with me).

I’m in the business of personal and professional development, right?

Doesn’t all development start on the inside first? Whatever way you look at it, does it not come back to ‘you ‘gotta love yourself first’!

So simple, and yet as human beings most of us stink at throwing love at where it’s needed most…which is our way.

Some days we love ourselves and other days well, need I say more, we can be our worst enemy; we can detest everything about ourselves, our life, our career, home, business…you name it.

But I repeat…generally, what is wrong with the word love?

Many of the people I’ve met and worked with, have been denied love, (and some from a very early age) personally, I find that sad and unacceptable.

Are we so scared of being loved that we now can’t even mention the word?

Has the word and world of love become so loaded with impersonal meaning and heavy duty baggage?

Is it one of ‘those’ words that even the mention of it triggers an unhappy thought and past experience? One of ‘those’ words that we notice people flinch at when they see it written or hear it said.

That’s sad.

As a fellow human being, I’ve decided (at least for the time being) to keep using it.

Why?

(Apart from still surviving the ‘fiery friend’ email signature) Because, in my opinion, if I can’t display and show you love what the hell am I doing here?

No, I don’t mean at a shallow level either…love to me is power.

Love is the unspoken language that makes enemies and strangers become friends.

Love is the complete opposite to hatred and fear.

Love is the positive regard I have for every other human being (and no, I never expect it back.)

Love is what fuels my passions, drives me forward and energises me to sit up and take notice.

Love to me is not just a basic human need but also a need for being human.

Love is not something that has to be fought over!

I mean can you imagine if the world you and I live in, were to wake up tomorrow morning and we were using phrases like ‘the love in Iraq’ the ‘March For Love’, ‘Love Rally’, ‘Weapons of Love’ or ‘Love Attacks’…that is not me being silly and unaware, I’m trying to explain that by the use of ONE word – a whole new way of thinking can appear.

Love can create change.

And for the comment not being professional?

Ah! That’s a good point…and that has been my ‘word’ to overcome.

My goal is to provide professional services. It has taken me years to realise that I can do this better, not by staying at arms length from people, but getting right on down and ‘just being me’.

And yes, that involves loving what I’m doing and sharing it with you.

So, signing of with…

lots of love and best wishes

Dawn

PS What’s your email signature? Can you remember why you choose it? Oh, and to display love in business or not, what do you think? Leave a comment below.