Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

All blog post Moxie Living

New Year, New YOU (Lets Not Get Carried Away)

Have you been noticing all the new year, new you marketing messages?

Before you send away for a years supply of a  slimming drink, 12 months membership to ‘Your Future Year in Astrology’, a ‘Hip, Bum and Tums’ implement of torture from QVC or ‘At Home Lipo Suction Toolkit’ with $4000 in bonuses (WOW) from some 4am dodgy shopping channel, get yourself a mince pie and pause a minute…

A new ‘calander’ year is nearly upon us both, this is true, are you ready to embrace it or are you going to go through a ritual of self-punishment and abuse as you plan a ‘rebirth’ for yourself via new year resolutions generally written out of sheer panic.

The coming of a New Year does carry an outstanding amount of hope, optimism and freshness (psychologically the use of the word ‘new’ being a leading contributor, let’s leave language and triggers for another day).  Is it because 1st January is the only day of the year when we’re fully aware, present and paying attention to the passing of our clock time, is that why we become melancholy and introspective about it?

When you’re celebrating are you conscious about the hands on the clock “half an hour to go, ten minutes, five minutes, 20 seconds, 10, 9, 8…Happy New Year!”   Is there another time in the year you do this?

Some people who realise that their time here is indeed passing and becoming less, set about creating for themselves little life instructions; resolving ‘problems’ or finding solutions, breaking negative habits, they decide that they are not going to be the same person this year as last year, and they consider to do all this at the stroke of midnight on ONE day of the year!

No, I’m not belittling resolutions it’s the ‘done once a year’ part that I’ve got a bee in my bonnet with!  I applaud the act of resolving problems, goal setting, planning and future pacing.  I congratulate and I’m always in awe of an individual who is willing and committed to spending more time thinking about their life than they do planning a two week holiday every year!

We all have unlimited potential to create a life of our own choosing, of course we do, more than we could possibly need in an entire lifetime.  Yet new year resolutions don’t cut it – for at least 90% of people who ONLY set them!  The person declaring ‘I’m giving up smoking’ or ‘I’m going to be thin’ or ‘I’ll find the perfect partner’, backed by airy fairy and wishy-washy happy clappy thinking may find they are done, failed and dusted by the 5th of January, then leave it until the next 1st of January before they start again.

However if they had started out strong with a clearly defined plan and map PLUS a desire to break through all and every barrier that could be thrown in their way, like a ninja or warrior armed to the teeth with ideas, creativity, commitment, solutions, determination, drive and prepared to sweat really hard if needed they may have had a very different result.

If they had first resolved to be full of resolve!  Not quitting, giving up or let their ‘hope’ falter.

Here’s the thing, it really doesn’t matter what day of the year it is for us to resolve that the past has gone and that we have 365 daily opportunities for creating and carving a new way of life, for 100% believing in ourselves and our abilities to find solutions for problems (that we are part of and may have created).

That every day we can make things happen or not.  

That we don’t need to wait for the clock hands to make the choice that all time is our time.

That we are and always will be the same people today as what we were yesterday or last year however, we have more than enough potential to aspire, create and carve our alternatives.

If you wake up each day, are you able to hold onto the feeling and hope that a new year brings?  Please don’t waste it, don’t let ‘clock time’ determine when it’s your time — it’s always yours, the question is do you have the resolve to take it?

Happy All and Everything!

A Quick Introduction to Emotional Intelligence

Do you have anyone in your life who displays any of the following behaviours (on a regular basis)?

  • Gets all defensive and angry when they are given any form of feedback?
  • Flies of the handle at the slightest thing?
  • Gets really upset and displays behaviours such as crying and tantrums when things aren’t going their way?
  • Ignores how the rest of the room is feeling and is unable to pick up the emotions of others?
  • Is like a Boeing 747, they land on others feelings: they don’t hear what they say or just ignore it?
  • Are they unable to step into another person’s shoes?
  • Is completely unaware of how they behave, react to others and the damage their behaviour has?

Emotional Intelligence (EI) was a phrase originally coined in 1990 by psychologist John Mayer and Peter Salovey.

They developed the thinking and theory, however very quickly it was adopted by hundreds of other writers, psychologists, educators and the most popular book around EI was by Daniel Goleman who wrote ‘Emotional Intelligence’ and ‘Working With Emotional Intelligence’.

Emotional Intelligence is (as its name suggests) how you use your emotions intelligently and appropriately: according to Mayer and Salovey emotionally intelligent people:

Know their own emotions what they are feeling and why they are feeling it
Express the right emotions at the right time
Can control their emotions

In short, emotionally intelligent people are able to guide their own emotions as opposed to their emotions guide them.

Why Even Bother To Practice Emotional Intelligence?

  1. You reduce stress, not having control over our emotions is stressful and the effects can be long lasting. How long does it take you to ‘come down’ from an argument for instance?
  2. You’re able to deal with challenging and difficult situations more effectively.
  3. You’re health and mental well-being improves.
  4. You develop higher confidence and self-esteem.
  5. You’ll know your triggers (emotional triggers) and be able to stop them being released as others push on them.
  6. You’ll be able to recognise what your feeling and why you’re feeling it, giving the opportunity to change it.
  7. You’ll be able to stop downward spirals of negative emotions.
  8. You’ll be in control, this is key to building confidence and self-esteem, nothing is no longer ‘done to you’.
  9. No more ‘You made me feel’ comments directed at others, you take full accountability and ownership.
  10. You’ll know how to change a situation where emotions are involved: you’ll say the right things at the right time.
    Ways to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence has various ‘threads’ running through it three of the main ones are:

Self Awareness

Recognise and know what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it. The simplest questions to ask yourself is ‘what am I feeling right now’?

Empathy

Stepping into another’s shoes, seeing the world from their viewpoint, with no judgement. Another question to ask yourself is ‘what experiences has this person had that is making them behave this way?’

Management of Your Emotions

You always have full control over your emotions. You have more than enough intelligence to decide what you want to feel, how to change what you’re feeling and completely reverse feelings. The question to ask yourself ‘what is the emotion doing for me right now?’

  • Deliberately hang out with people who you feel have nothing in common with you!  Seek and search for ways of ‘how you are alike’.
  • Display non-aggressive behaviour.  We all know when we are ‘rising’ to our emotions because there is a physical change in the body.  Stop it. Walk away or change the emotion.
  • Meet, talk and interact with people with the intention of building your emotional intelligence.  Be present and aware.  As soon as you find yourself losing attention, bring it back.  Connect with others on an emotional level.
  • Refuse to use the words ‘You/They made me feel (fill in the blank)’: no one (as the saying goes) can make you feel anything, you feel what you want to feel at any moment.

Day 9 Quitting Groundhog Day

Do you make the same mistakes over and over and over?  Do you get better ‘for a while’ and then repeat the same behaviour pattern?  And do you KNOW you’re (as Britney sang) ‘whoops doing it again’!

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks.  It’s all about shifting focus, what your paying attention too, rewarding your ever so good behaviour and treating yourself!

Whatever ‘it’ is, it’s a habit.  Your little ‘ole brain has programmed itself.  

A circle, wheel, merry go round. Have you heard the saying ‘if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got’?  Habits!

The cycle needs broken.  You need to step out the circle.  Change the programme. 

Here’s a suggestion…

Step 1: Be aware and present, recognise if you are repeating the behaviour, become conscious (v-e-r-y important, you need to be aware of it to change it) of the habit, being conscious of it means you can question it.  Why am I behaving this way?  If I continue this path what’s the outcome?

Step 2: Change the programme.  Just like a switch on the remote control for the TV.  For example, you’re a procrastinator, don’t give yourself permission to ‘put it off’.  Change the programme.  Do it!

Step 3: Commit to yourself.  If your programme switches back to the old way, that’s not it, you ‘ain’t flunked.  Start again the next day. 

I heard once it takes 28 days to change a habit…choose one habit today and you’ll have it nipped in the bud by mid January!

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Day 8 Invent Relationships

Is your world full of people you trust, respect, can communicate openly and authentically with, open and are you surrounded with people you actually like?

Are your relationships healthy, understanding, thoughtful, considerate?

There is a school of thought your life is a reflection of what you give out.

Are you attracting the type of people you want to be in your life?  For 2011 what type of relationships would you like to have? Are there traits, behaviours, characteristics that are missing in your relationships?  How will you find them?

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Day 7 Invent ‘Comfort Zone Poem’

Comfort Zones, when did you last step out one of yours?

This is by the famous poet called Anonymous, The Comfort Zone Poem! 

I used to have a comfort zone

where I knew I couldn’t fail,

The same four walls of busy work

were really more like a jail

I longed so much to do the things

I’d never done before,

But I stayed inside my comfort zone

and paced the same old floor

I said it didn’t matter that

I wasn’t doing much,

I said I didn’t care for things

like diamonds or furs and such

I claimed to be so busy with

the things inside my zone,

But deep inside I longed for

something special of my own

I couldn’t let my life go

by just watching others win,

I held my breath and stepped outside

to let the change begin

I took a step and with new strength

I’d never felt before,

I kissed my comfort zone good bye

and closed and locked the door

If you are in a comfort zone

afraid to venture out,

Remember that all winners were

at one time filled with doubt

A step or two and words of praise

can make your dreams come true

Greet your future with a smile,

success is there for you!

 

Day 6 Letting Go

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

Do you find it easy to let go?

There is no doubt in my mind that 2010 has been a year of closing doors and letting go,  2009 (in hindsight) was 12 months of holding on far too tight, not willing (or emotionally ready) to let go. 

What about you?  Do you find it easy to let go?  When was the last time you said to yourself ‘in order to move, change, develop, grow I choose now let go’.  It doesn’t have to be an object:  it can also be a feeling, a way of behaving, a project or an idea. 

Letting does not necessarily mean ‘the end’.   It’s not giving up.  It’s a conscious decision, you are in control.

It’s paying attention to what your heart and your head is telling you.  For some they hold on to ideas, beliefs, values, friendships, relationships even partners when they know that the time has come to say thank you for the learning, time for goodbye, close the door and release.

If there is just one thing you need to let go of,  what would it be?

Are you able to complete it before 2011?

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