Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

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The Life/Balance Wheel (Free Workbook)

March 5 Dawn

You are all out of sorts.

You have plans. Stuff that you want to work on. But thinking about it all has you seeing big mountains to climb over.

Overwhelm? Oh, yes.

You perhaps haven’t got a ruddy clue where to start or what to do first.

This little tool is used a lot (I mean a LOT) in coaching, some call it the ‘Wheel of Success’ others the ‘Wheel of Life’.

You can pretty much take a blank wheel (which is included in download) and use it for any area of your life.

Clients love it, they always find an ‘a-ha momento’ completing it, but then, they do have someone (me) sitting next to them bursting their brain with a heap of questions, challenging them, asking them for clarification on every little detail.

So advice: take your time, and try not to dismiss the thoughts that come up but question them.

What else?

Oh, yeah, just because it’s called the balance wheel it would be easy to assume it’s all about weighing things up.

It’s not. Not really.

Balance wheels were used in watches and clocks to make sure they were keeping tickety-boo-top-notch time.

Translate that into a wheel for your personal development: it’s about identifying what’s not working, what needs some focus and attention, what’s out of sync, what is long overdue some TLC!

If balance wheels didn’t work in watches, the right time was never displayed.

Same in life, if the balance is all out, some areas of life suffer over others.

I’ll shut up now, ’cause it’s all in the worksheet.

Here’s how to get it…

for the Balance Wheel Workbook & Updates

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Do You Quit or Keep Going?

February 21 Dawn

feellikequitting — Photo Credit: neonfreedom.tumblr.com/

**What’s your plan of action for the times you feel like you want to quit?**

I read in a forum a few months back a question from a member: ‘How do you know when it’s time to quit?’ because the forum is filled with small business owners all but one of the 42 replies said, ‘keep going, you’ll get there’.

The one reply that didn’t say keep going asked questions such as:

How much time do you have?
Do you have the money?
What have you tried so far?
How long have you been attempting to achieve the goal, have you changed the goal?
What’s working?
Have you quit what isn’t working? <—Kaching!

Before we talk about quitting let’s make sure we are on the same page, I’m not saying ‘just quit’.

No way. (This post isn’t you’re permission slip or get out jail free card, I don’t give them out.)

There is a massive difference between the person just giving up because things are getting a little painful and uncomfortable, to the person who has tried a million ways to make something work, and it’s not happening.

There is a massive difference between the person trying something for a week, to another pouring years of their life into an idea: all their time, energy, money and creativity. When what they wanted to achieve has taken every single last piece of their soul.

You’ve probably heard the saying ‘winners never quit, and losers never win’.

Tosh-pot I say.

Some of the worlds most ‘successful’ people have quit and failed, quit, failed, then won.

They ‘won’ because they quit what wasn’t working.

We don’t get that from that statement.

For you, the person who started a business to gain more time, freedom, and money and now find yourself working 20 hours a day, missing your family and wondering where the hell the money is going to come from to pay the bills at the end of the month, you may feel like quitting…I know I have.

For you changing career, when doors slam in your face, when people say again and again ‘we were looking for someone with more experience’ or ‘you were our second choice’, you may want to quit and return to the role you know…I know I have.

For relationships, when you are wanting to make it work but the arguments and pain far outweigh the good experiences and love, you may want to quit…I know I have.

How do we know the difference from when it’s time to quit, and time to keep on going to reach the breakthroughs we want to happen?

Is the problem we see quitting as a failure?

And failure is such a dirty word, huh? Who wants to fail?

Why is quitting feared?

What’s your definition of quitting? Is it to change paths and direction, to say goodbye to what isn’t working to make room for the new. Or does it include shame and guilt?

Back to my small business owner forum friend. I wonder if they wanted someone to write ‘Just quit’. That they needed to hear if anyone else had been where they were at, and to receive permission would’ve made their decisions easier?

Times when it’s probably okay to quit…

1. You’ve Changed

Take my business for example, I started in 2003, aged 32. The initial business activities sat with a handful of my core values, but not the ones that really mattered. And it was painful. I hated the business as it stood then, and in the end it made me ill.

The clients were great. The business, no.

I quit the model it was then. Letting it go and saying goodbye to what it was known for.

Scary? Yes!

Feelings of failure? No. Fecking freeing.

2. When you can’t bring yourself to work on the business (career, relationship etc) because you hate every aspect of what it’s become: it’s time to quit, to change, to shift paths

Will it be painful? That’s your choice.

3. When the good days are so few and far between. Slogging something out because you’re scared to say ‘shitz, this ain’t working, better try something else’, is more painful that actually doing it.

4. When what you are doing is leaving you empty inside. That seems a little ‘woowoo’ here’s what I mean: when you have no passion, purpose, energy for what you are doing or the goals you created. But don’t get this confused with frustration that things aren’t happening quick enough.

Trust yourself that you know the difference between empty and run down. (I was empty!)

And, while we’re at, goals change, that’s the whole point of goals, to be expect the best, and plan for the worst. Or in this case, plan for the success, and have alternative routes to get there.

4. When there is so much resentment towards what you are doing. If it doesn’t feel good, it’s not good.

5. When what you do de-presses you and you can’t lift yourself up to change.

It’s okay to stop, let go, put an end to something because it just doesn’t fit with who you are now. It is okay. You’re a creative ever evolving being.

And you may be thinking ‘but it’s not my time to quit, I need to try it a little longer‘.

You know, that’s fine too. You know you best.

But I offer you some advice: whether for your life, biz, career. Get help. Tell people what you’re struggling with.

Lastly, Feck The F Word!

Failure.

Look around the Internet for posts on ‘failing and failure’. Plenty will ask you if you’re a quitter or failure.

Screw them. I’ve failed so many times, but is my life a failure, am I a failure, am I heck. Neither are you if you’ve failed a few times, life can get tough enough without adding a label to yourself!

Some of the worlds greatest inventions were built upon many failed attempts, because people were brave enough to quit what wasn’t working sooner rather than later – that has always been the way, and it always will be the way.

We all need to learn what works and what doesn’t, that’s how we grow, develop, become fabby human beings.

We can learn it quickly from others, or we can discover it ourselves.

Failure isn’t bad.

People teaching we should ‘feel’ bad and guilty for quitting is a crime.

So you may decide to quit a project, goal, idea that you started. You haven’t failed if you learn from it: the errors and mistakes of the past are learning for the future.

Learn from your mistakes and be aware of ‘failed attempts’ quicker.

There is no way a scientist trying to find a cure for a disease would carry out the same experiment over and over again hoping for a different outcome. If something doesn’t work: change it or quit, don’t keep flogging it wishing for a better result.

You aren’t a failure if you quit an idea. You aren’t a quitter if an idea fails.

Personally I feel I’ve failed myself when I didn’t quit something sooner. Or I battled on with a failed idea from the start. But never, ever, do I see myself as a failure. You?

Do you get that?

Deep down, do you see the difference?

Quitting can bring amazing emotional release. I’m not kidding.

Where others see it as a failure, I see it as empowering. If you are the person making the choice and taking the decisions.

To let go, to say goodbye to that which isn’t working, on your terms, is personal power.

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis

Your Turn :: Have you ever made the decision to quit, and it was exactly the right thing? How did you get to the decision?

Life. Are You A Toe Dipper or a Full Frontal?

February 10 Dawn

When you get a minute Google ‘cold swimming images’, interesting pics.

Have you ever wanted to dive into a swimming pool or venture into the sea on a sweltering hot day?

It looks so inviting, you’re dripping sweat like a shoplifter in Harrods and you want to get in, but you just know because you’ve done this before, it’s going to be baltic.

Instead of going for it, you do the Human Biscuit Dunk Test (there’s no such test!) assuming the rather risky maneuver of pool side hovering, or the threat of waves reaching your thighs unexpectedly if your beside the seaside, beside the sea.

You could’ve ran and jumped in.

How long would you have been screaming like a chimp just been robbed of it’s banana? What, five minutes? The pain of a full dive doesn’t last long, does it?

But you went for the toe dip. Not even the ‘Half Shut The Knife‘ move: up to the waist and gagagagagasping because it’s so fecking cold.

See, the thing about toe dipping is, it’s really easy to stop and retreat back.

But the with the full frontal, you’re in there, up to your eyes in it. You’ll probably cope with the change eventually, your body temperature will start to regulate out.

A bit like that (sick) boiling frog experiment. Throw (don’t though, I don’t advocate trying this at home, but I’m veggie) a frog in hot water it will try to escape, but pop it in cold water and heat it up gently it won’t move, just slowly be boiled alive (surely that’s wrong, boiled dead it should be, how can you be boiled alive?) Perfect metaphor for gradual change though.

Sometimes I think personal growth should be a full frontal.

Other times a toedip.

But never a cling on to the sides.

Because that’s no movement. It’s neither in or out.

Where are you clinging to the side? What may happen if you let go?

You Have a Brilliant Idea, Now What?

February 6 Dawn

“The air is full of ideas. They are knocking you in the head all the time” Henry Ford

‘Wanna play?

Let’s assume you have a ‘Oh, what a brilliant idea’ brain flash: a moment of sheer fecking genius, inspiration on tap, creativity bounding, what do you do with it?

A. Sit on it.

B. Act on it right away.

C. Question it’s brilliance.

E. Dismiss it because it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

F. None of the above.

Let’s now go have a tangent moment.

Remember your summer school holidays?

Endless fun, fun, summer fun. The days when you returned home filthy, rugged, scorched from the sun, covered in scratches, bumps, bruises but by goodness you were one happy being.

Remember what you used to cram in, in the space of what, 12 hours?

If you, or one of your friends had an idea, it would get tried and quickly, depending on it’s success, it would be dumped, or played out for days, and days, and days, and days.

Yeah, I know you aren’t a kid, the ideas that you have now will (probably) have a greater impact on your life, to those you had when you were an 8 year old.

Deciding to go for a bike ride is not, I agree, the same as changing career.

Deciding to make a den out of sheets, is not the same as creating a new product, or service if you’re a small business owner.

Different consequences, perhaps a higher risk, needing more thought, research and planning.

But the point is, the time it takes to take action on an idea as an adult is too long, for most.

Why? (Fear aside for a minute)

Right, some ideas you have are going to be massive and their implementation won’t happen right away. But you probably have hundreds of little ideas that crash into your head, those are the ones we’re talking about here.

The ideas that present themselves to you in the strangest times: on the loo, in the shower, having a casual conversation, reading a blog post or comment on the Internet, a tweet, a visit to a website, watching a soap opera (okay, maybe not that!)

Do you keep them safe?

Do you nurture the idea?

Do you write them down?

Do you take action right away, at the risk of not finishing something else?

A big fault for many of us is we don’t complete one project before we move onto the next. If that’s you, you have a not so good habit there, finish what you start, don’t be hypnotised by the shiny green on the other side of the fence, until your own grass is topnotch.

And your ideas, try this:

This is what I do, most of the time (do as I say, not as I do!)

1. Write the idea down.

2. Take some form of action on it right away (when you have finished the most important tasks that require your full attention at that moment of course.)

3. Take action: research, running it past someone, writing a blog post, tweeting it, give it your full attention for 20 minutes.

4. Commence the ‘sit on it’ part here, 2 days max. Even if you’re tempted to revisit. Do nothing. Just hold onto your galloping horses.

5. Revisit after 2 days. How do you feel about it now?

6. Still the same way? Take more action.

7. Not as excited? Shelve it for one month.

8. Revisit after a month.

9. Does it inspire/fit/mean more now? Yes? Take more action.

10. No? Ditch it. (Or keep a little folder of ideas!)

You’ll have other ideas. Probably better ones.

A Few Lessons On How Not To Speak In Public

January 27 Dawn

Have you ever lost the will to live during a presentation?

I have.

Today.

‘They’ say speaking in public is a number 1 fear, I disagree, I think it’s an urban legend.

First, if it scares the heebie-jeebies out of you, where did you learn that? From your own experiences, or through tales of horror from individuals who bombed on the podium?

Is the true fear vulnerability, judgement, being exposed, being the centre of attention, the fear that something may happen that you can’t control?

I’ve seen people terrified to the point of throwing up, get up, speak and rock their message.

I’ve also (today) witnessed professional public speakers (confident and fearfree) make a complete stinky old hash of it.

It doesn’t matter if the audience is 1 person, 5, 10, 500 everyone can learn to:

Connect with the audience
Lead the audience
Acknowledge the audience
Be in ‘flow’ with the audience
Pace the audience
Feel the audience
Help the audience
Share with the audience
Be real with the audience
Be truthful with the audience
Include the audience
Let the audience participate
Build rapport with audience

It’s not difficult to master.

It’s about getting out your own head and into the head of another human being(s): you’re presenting to a brain, an emotional brain, emotions that create different ‘states of mind’ every moment of the day.

Today. Ugh.

Sitting through talks from the:

The Self Proclaimed Expert

For them a message…

“Dear you, I don’t care if you’re an expert in something really awesome, if you don’t give a tosh about your audience, and care more about belittling the ‘techie’ person who couldn’t get your laptop to connect to a projector, and to do it in front of a room of 300 peeps, shame on you.

Yeah, you got through your content eventually, but your goal of displaying your authority meant you lost your audience.

Remember that person who asked you a genuine question, they were ‘stuck’, not heckling, instead of saying ‘Is anyone else not getting it, or is it just my good friend at the front?‘, you could’ve acknowledged their fears, and said you didn’t have the answer (it was obvious you didn’t), oh, but that would have blown your ‘expert’ cover huh?’

(Gosh, even writing that, it’s made me more mad. You were rude and obnoxious. There. Said it.)

The ‘Go Out On High’ End of Day Speaker

A message for them…

“Dear you, your first words after you ran onto the podium of ‘Stand Up, Let’s Connect, Let’s Move!‘, and then leading us into a dance to the notes of James Browns ‘I Feel Good‘ followed by the instructions of ‘massage the person in front you’, didn’t cut it.

Heard of pacing and leading? I know that works for the man with the headpiece and great knashers, sorry, teeth (Tony Robbins), but this was a different audience.

Were you in the hall before your slot?

Or did you just pitch up 10 minutes before ?

Did you see the state that everyone was in?

Were the folded arms, sighs, fidgeting, heads to the side, crossed legs and the severe lack of eye contact with you not enough of a hint?

You missed such an opportunity.

And funny, (you being a renowned world class motivational speaker, according to the brochure) I would’ve thought that you of all people would’ve been clued up on noticing human behaviour and what peeps were feeling.

When giving a presentation your audience is asking:

Has this person got something interesting to say?
Why should I give them my attention?
Why should I listen to them?
What’s in it for me?
Do I feel safe?

Most people plan their content, not why their content matters.

They don’t even consider answering questions about their audience or listener such as:

Who are they?
What’s in it for them?
What state of mind are they in?
How do I want them to feel at the end?
Why should they listen to me, what benefit is there?
What can I tell them to ease their pains or add benefit to their life?

Today the ‘expert’ speaker didn’t need his PowerPoint. If he had stood up there and said ‘It looks technical parts are playing, it doesn’t matter, let’s have questions and answers instead. I was going to talk about…what three things would you like to know more on’. It would’ve worked.

Some would say that takes a lot of courage. No, it means knowing your message inside out, and being comfortable with the all the ways it can be delivered, that takes passion about your subject.

Today, these two speakers managed to alienate a room.

As a speaker you cannot possible know the states of mind of every person in front of you, but we both know (because we have experienced it ourselves) that a positive state of mind is more productive than a negative one.

There’s a great saying there are no unresourceful learners, only unresourceful states.

So consider these questions before you even think content and planning:

What state would I like to lead my listeners into?
What state would I like to induce and maintain?
What states may be present before I start?
If positive, how can I maintain it?
If negative, can I change it?

Here’s a few more points from today:

For Speaker 1: you didn’t need to execute or display your authority, we were your audience, we gave you power automatically by coming to hear you speak.

You had personal power, all you needed to do was connect with us.

You could’ve included us in your ‘techie’ mishaps if you knew anything about building rapport.

We would’ve helped you.We wanted to. We felt for you.

You didn’t even acknowledge we were there and you missed a perfect opportunity to show real humanity and connection.

Lesson: The thing about (most) audiences is they are on your side at the beginning, one of your tasks is to make that bond stronger: connect, share, be honest, be human, let us in and participate with you.

For Speaker 2: I do appreciate you were at least were aware that movement is crucial in any learning environment, it could’ve worked but you didn’t let your audience know they were safe, first.

If you’d said ‘I realise you’ve been sitting for a long time (I would’ve thought ‘oh thank you, thank you, I need to move’), how about we move a little (me: ‘you read my mind, awesome’) and then spend a couple of minutes hanging out with the people next to you, sharing what you want from this session (me: ‘a chance to speak, wow, at last’), would that be okay? I know I can’t sit for longer than 20 minutes (me: ‘you feel my pain, you know me!‘) I get ants in my pants.’

Lesson: you will lose your audience if you do or say something that makes them feel unsafe.

What does your audience really want?

It’s basic: respected, connected, cared for, safe and included. That’s for starters. No, feck it, that’s the start it has to begin there.

I need more time to process today, if you fear public speaking, what specifically do you fear the most?

Photo Credit: Flickr Trasiegu

When Are We Ever Really Ready…

January 22 Dawn

Suzanne is sitting completing an application form, she knows she can do the job, however one of workmates is going for the same role. He’s been there longer, he has more experience in some of what’s required, but not all of it.

She’s been sat for hours, the more time goes on, the chitterchatter in her head gets worse ‘why am I bothering?’ She fears looking stupid, even though she has years of experience: in a different field but the skills and knowledge can be transferred to this role, easily.

She’s ready, but hiding.

Richard is a small business owner offering IT services to other local business owners, he knows his customer service is better than his larger local competitors: he does a better job, he understands the needs of the solo business owner better than anyone, he talks language they understand.

He’s been asked so many times by a friend to attend a local networking event. He won’t go, because he fears speaking in public, and doesn’t feel that he belongs there yet, he thinks: he’s new and needs to prove himself first.

He’s hiding.

When are we really ready to take strides forward in our careers, life or business?

Is it when we have enough information?

Or is when we have minimised all the risks?

Perhaps it’s when we feel safe that the stride we are taking isn’t going to hurt that much if the leaping doesn’t go to plan.

Maybe we have no other options, we have to move because of external circumstances.

As a child do you remember playing Hide and Seek?

Squeezing your eyes tight, your palm covering your face, facing the brick wall, at a spot your friends put you at so you had no chance of seeing the direction they ran?

“1……..2…….3…4…56789…10! Ready or not here I come!”

Ready or not? Here I come.

Are you ready?

Or are you?

Still Seeking.
Not ready and hiding.
Ready but hiding.
Ready?

Look, sometimes we aren’t ready. We don’t have all the information, we haven’t got all the resources and done our homework. Nothing wrong with that, being a seeker is fine.

But to be ready and hide?

Oh dear.

Usually it’s fear, you’re scared. You can remember the feeling before you were ‘caught’ playing hide and seek, right?

Stomach churning, ‘butterflies’, holding your breath, and if you never played it, I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Going for it is generally less painful, than knowing you’re ready and hiding.

Count to 10 then…

Complete the following statement:

I know I’m ready to____________, I’ve been hiding because____________. Today, ready or not, here I come.