Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

All blog post Moxie Living

How to Embrace Your Inner Fool

There will be times when you make mistakes that matter, it’s probably best you admit responsibility sooner rather than later for these whoopsicals.

I’ll go first…

I’m sorry that if you signed up for the confidence course on Sat/Sun you got sent to a duff page on the website. I was updating the course and forget to hit save. I think I’ve sorted everyone out now. Have I?

Or like the time I dropped a can of sugary coke down a companies complete telephone system thingy-me-do-dah-box that wiped out all the communication between departments for three days. I can’t believe I wasn’t sacked for that, instead I had a Drinks at Desk Company Policy named after me.

Some have streets and schools named after them once they do great things, I have a policy.

Of course there will be moments when you screw up, the easiest words to say here are ‘I’m sorry’ and mean it.

At other times you will just lose all thought and common sense. Fleeting moments of just being urm, a fool.

I remember (because I heard they were pregnant), saying to an acquaintance at a wedding, ‘Congratulations, when are you due?’ and they replied, ‘I had the baby in March’.  As it was then September, I felt ever so foolish.

Or at my first catholic wedding when I thought the words were, ‘Pleased to meet you’, as we went round shaking hands with everyone but they were actually ‘Peace, be with you.’ Fool.

Or the time I gave a presentation with a toilet roll tail. Fool.

Or when I waved at a group of people and jumped up and down like an extra on Glee because I thought I knew them, only to realise I didn’t and then carried out the ‘this is how I scratch my forehead for real action’!

Interviews:  how many people have come out of those slapping the palm of their hand against their forehead screaming, ‘What did I say that for?  Fool! Fool! Fool!’

How do you handle your moments of foolishness?

Embrace?

Or  with disgrace?

I’ll leave you with these before you answer:

“Before the beginning of great brilliance, there must be chaos. Before a brilliant person begins something great, they must look foolish in the crowd.”

“You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.”Colette

“Until you’re ready to look foolish, you’ll never have the possibility of being great.” Cher

Don’t sweat them.

Not a drop.

A Post About Anger, 50 Shades of Red + Forgetting to Breathe

This morning I got myself into a public quarrel.

A verbal exchange of the swear-iest proportions.

Don’t judge too quick…

Usually when conflict arises in my world I’m generally good at:

 

  • assessing and diffusing
  • looking at the big picture
  • evaluating
  • gathering information and facts
  • taking time to work out my role 
  • and acting in the best way at that time.

Anger is not normal behaviour for me. It’s rare. I don’t do anger very well. I can’t be doing with it. It’s too painful. Not to mention  the sweats, heart-rate and stress.

Not today. It started, heightened and ended in a flash.

Here’s what happened…

I was walking down my street (not just for the fun of walking up and down, I had been somewhere. I mean I don’t go out and just walk randomly.<– oh, see what I’ve done, used flippant humour to take the eek away from sharing this with you.)

Start again…

I was walking down the street, coming up the road was a man with a dog on a lead. The dog was pulling and just as I was thinking, ‘Thank goodness my two walk to heel’  I witnessed the man yank the dog back, lifting him/her the air, till all paws were off the ground and then kick him/her in the rib area, at the same time screaming to the dog, ‘Walk fucking properly’.

Insert nice quotes about reacting:

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

I  sooooooo reacted.

There aren’t many things in my life that still push those seeing-a-definite-shade-of-red-let-me-have-it-button, but any abuse or mistreatment of animals (or anything that breathes) is one.

Well. Today I pushed them.

I told him that his behaviour was abusive.

He told me to F-off.

I told him he was well out of effing out of order.

Same reply.

I told him he was a cruel b-word.

Same reply.

I told him that instead of abusing, how about some training.

Same reply. He then got up close. Really close. In the moment I did think I was going to be bopped.

So the anger turned to fear. I looked down at the dog and thought to myself this is not a time to back down. Stupid of me? Yeah. Well. Maybe.

Have you ever had a moments when you just come back  into yourself regardless the intensity of emotions?

The moment when you cease to be in ‘it’ and observe it?

This became one of those moments. I’ve no idea where the anger went but when I could see right into the whites of the owners eyes, I said ‘you know it’s wrong, you just know’ and then I turned and walked away.

Fight done. Nothing achieved. Chaos over. Breathing again.

Shaking, yes. But pleased I didn’t start crying until I got in the house. (That would be where the energy of the anger went then.)

Could I have handled it differently? Of course.

Can I see where this came from? Totally.

Could I have ignored what I witnessed? Of course. But why should I look away when the dog couldn’t (oh, I see I’m still angry).

Why am I sharing this with you?

I’m not really sure, I had planned a post about Facebook spamming for today but since you’re here:

  • There will be times when all the learning and theory goes out the fecking window. There is a massive difference between knowing something and just knowing.
  • Being who you really are also includes those parts of you that you don’t see or (want to) recognise are part of you. We all have them so don’t worry.
  • That there will be some events that take you to places emotionally that scare the begeez out of you. Breathe.
  • That we can’t possible grow unless we know what we’ve already cultivated.
  • That we all have triggers waiting to be pushed.
  • Tears are a release. Use them.
  • Anger brings nothing.
  • Breathe.
  • I’m so human.

Here’s what went out the window today:

  1. Breathing.
  2. Not listening first to what my body was telling me before I reacted. Forgetting to ask myself ‘what do I feel right now?’ Working that out first and then acting.
  3. I didn’t tell myself to ‘Get In The Boat’. Huh? A great technique (today I forgot about it, was it because it happened too fast?) Basically think about the times in the past when you have reacted and regretted. Did you feel flooded with emotions? Overwhelmed? Drowning? See these feelings as a fast flowing river, carrying you with them. When you feel them, tell yourself to ‘Get In The Boat’ and visualise yourself doing it. Usually works for me, so give it a go.
  4. Not consciously controlling the emotions I could’ve controlled. And trying to control that what I can”t.

Your Turn

Got any tips or ideas for this one? What would you have done? Please share them in the comments, see you there.

PS: I did report them.

Deep Connection or Relationship Brushes?

“No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.” – Alice Walker

I know that connection is what many of us crave (or are missing?) To belong. To love. To be loved. To not feel isolated or alone.

I observe that we are scared to connect deeply. We stop. We hold back. We stay silent and live in our own solitary confinement.

We live daily having relationship brushes. I’m committed to connection and yet I observe myself having these brushes on my Facebook personal profile: skirmishing around with a ‘like’ or a ‘share’ but not really connecting. (Not a good advert for connection!)

Offline I find myself sometimes struggle in situations where conversation (not necessarily connection) is expected: networking events, small talk at parties and some extended (and forced) family gatherings, I struggle. What with? The pleasantries, the fact that the conversations are just that, factual words. People keeping up with what others are doing, rather than on who they are. (Aside: that’s okay, but I just struggle with it occasionally.)

  • What would life be like if we put down our shields, stopped conforming to pleasantries, quit censoring ourselves and undertaking personal editing?
  • What if we were able to love, understand, have more empathy, complete honesty, compassion, trust, warmth and closeness with one another?

Isn’t it when one or more people come together and experience the real sense of belonging and acceptance isn’t that where the magic happens?

Removing The Shield

I witnessed someone remove their shields in an online group last week, they didn’t start with a conversation or some other people pleasing pleasantry. In that moment they spoke their truth.

The context doesn’t matter, what matters is the result of the action they took: they inadvertently put a small crack in the walls others were behind, it wasn’t long before people were offering their truth. This wasn’t a pity party. It was someone brave enough to cut through all the this is how relationships are formed rules and jump straight to communicating with their gut.

Others joined them and wrote they:

  • No longer felt alone, or isolated.
  • That they felt connected and included.
  • That they could feel as though they could openly contribute.
  • That they felt safe and able to share more.

Your Turn

What does “belonging and connection” mean to you? Leave a comment or send me a message.

This post was a result of a lot of thought from Patti Dighs Project137 – go check it out.

What You Do Matters

My friend is a Dental Nurse.

She’s the one that prepares everything that the Dentist needs to make his job easier.

She’s the one who comes and gets us from the waiting room.

She’s the one who smiles at us and mouths ‘Are you okay?’ when we develop looks of terror in our eyes.

She’s the one that helps us set up our next appointments.

I’m looking for a new dentist, so she’s the one I asked.

She replied, ‘Don’t just look for a good dentist. Look for a good receptionist and a good dental nurse. If they care, you’ve pretty much  found a good dentist’.

Interesting.

And very smart.

Here’s a story I came across a few years ago, as far as I’m aware it’s not true, but a good story it still is:

When JFK visited Cape Canaveral in the 60’s he met will all the elite people: scientists, astronauts, technicians.  Near the end of the visit he was walking down a long corridor and just ahead of him there was an old grey-haired man stooped over a bucket, squeezing out mop.  He was working slowly yet methodically. 

On reaching the man Kennedy asked ‘What do you do here?’.  The man put down the mop, stood up straight and looked right into President Kennedy eyes.

He replied ‘Sir, I am doing the same as everyone else here, I’m putting a man on the moon’.

Never assume that what you do doesn’t matter. It does.

 

There Is No Shame In Removing Your Mask…

Who is the mask for? It doesn’t matter if you put it there, or others placed it upon you.

We all are wearing masks, covering up and keeping ourselves ‘safe’ and protected. How dare we reveal what is really going on in our world. How dare we say what we really feel. How dare we ask for help.

When the mask begins to slip the first reaction is to shoot up your hand and put it back in place. 

Did anyone see the real you even for a second? What will people think? How will they react? What will they say? Will they be upset that underneath there is a very different story taking place? Do you feel shame and guilt because you exposed the parts of you you never dreamed others would discover?

Holding on to the mask is exhausting. Tiring. Painful to keep in place.

The thing is, we’re all wearing them:

  • Masks of shame.
  • Masks of guilt.
  • Masks of regret.
  • Masks of struggling.
  • Masks of pain.
  • Masks of fears.
  • Masks of imperfections.
  • Masks of failures.

Let it slip. Let it fall. Remove the layer.

Why?

Here you go…

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.” Singer, Jim Morrision

 

You’ve been walking the ocean’s edge, holding up your robes to keep them dry. You must dive naked under, and deeper under, a thousand times deeper. Rumi

 

“…be yourself- not your idea of what you think somebody else’s idea of yourself should be.” Henry David Thoreau

 

“Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. the new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open.” Stephen Russell

Read the last quote again please.

Dawn xxx

Lessons From a Very Poorly Cat

Yesterday, I had to rush Tispsy (cat) to the vet. Tipsy is one of those cats that turns cat haters into cat lovers — he has a thing about him.

I had went outside for a breath of fresh air. He was lying in the sun, just at the door.

Nothing unusual until he went to stand up, both his back legs were paralysed.

No hesitation, I grabbed the cat basket, popped him in it and drove to the vet.

My diagnosis was he had broken his legs. Had he been run over by a car? Landed the wrong way after a jump? Jumped from something too high?

On first examination the vet said his legs weren’t broken, he needed to x-ray and see what was going on. I started crying. I’m not an expert, that’s the vet’s job. But I knew it was far more serious than a break.

Seeing my tears, the vet started to sugar-coat his words, I knew exactly what he was doing (making it easy for me) and I had to say, ‘I’m upset yes, but please give me everything straight, you don’t need to cover anything up’.

He didn’t. He gave me possible causes and none with an ending that any pet owner wants to hear, but only the x-ray would reveal anything.

His x-rays showed that Tipsy had broken his back.

Leaving him yesterday with the agreement that if he shows no signs of improvement through the night, the inevitable needs to happen. I received my phone call this am. And there is hope.

How? Because he had used his litter tray. It means that his body his still receiving messages from his brain and that is a v-e-r-y good sign, he can feel.

He’s not out the woods, I know that. I just have to wait today, tomorrow and possible the next day.

But I’ve been thinking about yesterday afternoon (as expected.)

This is life. Real life. Events and experiences that unexpectedly happen. Moments when we excel at putting everything else aside and focus on what needs to happen next.

When we have no hesitation in calling in an expert, no time to waste, no hanging about or second guessing. They never stop.

We don’t know what we don’t know. I guessed it was a broken leg, based on a) my limited perceptions and b) my very limited knowledge, am I doing this elsewhere in life? What am I not seeing that is obvious to others?

Being upfront and completely honest. I had to ask the vet to do this. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to wrapped up in cotton wool and denied the reality of situation. Do I wrap myself up anywhere? Do you? Unable to face the reality of what is actually happening?

Some days are days for ‘just being’. If you need them, take them.

Let’s finish with this, it’s popped into my mind twice today:

Where there is great love there are always miracles – Willa Carther