Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

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A Post About Anger, 50 Shades of Red + Forgetting to Breathe

August 24 Dawn

This morning I got myself into a public quarrel.

A verbal exchange of the swear-iest proportions.

Don’t judge too quick…

Usually when conflict arises in my world I’m generally good at:

assessing and diffusing
looking at the big picture
evaluating
gathering information and facts
taking time to work out my role
and acting in the best way at that time.

Anger is not normal behaviour for me. It’s rare. I don’t do anger very well. I can’t be doing with it. It’s too painful. Not to mention the sweats, heart-rate and stress.

Not today. It started, heightened and ended in a flash.

Here’s what happened…

I was walking down my street (not just for the fun of walking up and down, I had been somewhere. I mean I don’t go out and just walk randomly.<– oh, see what I’ve done, used flippant humour to take the eek away from sharing this with you.)

Start again…

I was walking down the street, coming up the road was a man with a dog on a lead. The dog was pulling and just as I was thinking, ‘Thank goodness my two walk to heel’ I witnessed the man yank the dog back, lifting him/her the air, till all paws were off the ground and then kick him/her in the rib area, at the same time screaming to the dog, ‘Walk fucking properly’.

Insert nice quotes about reacting:

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

I sooooooo reacted.

There aren’t many things in my life that still push those seeing-a-definite-shade-of-red-let-me-have-it-button, but any abuse or mistreatment of animals (or anything that breathes) is one.

Well. Today I pushed them.

I told him that his behaviour was abusive.

He told me to F-off.

I told him he was well out of effing out of order.

Same reply.

I told him he was a cruel b-word.

Same reply.

I told him that instead of abusing, how about some training.

Same reply. He then got up close. Really close. In the moment I did think I was going to be bopped.

So the anger turned to fear. I looked down at the dog and thought to myself this is not a time to back down. Stupid of me? Yeah. Well. Maybe.

Have you ever had a moments when you just come back into yourself regardless the intensity of emotions?

The moment when you cease to be in ‘it’ and observe it?

This became one of those moments. I’ve no idea where the anger went but when I could see right into the whites of the owners eyes, I said ‘you know it’s wrong, you just know’ and then I turned and walked away.

Fight done. Nothing achieved. Chaos over. Breathing again.

Shaking, yes. But pleased I didn’t start crying until I got in the house. (That would be where the energy of the anger went then.)

Could I have handled it differently? Of course.

Can I see where this came from? Totally.

Could I have ignored what I witnessed? Of course. But why should I look away when the dog couldn’t (oh, I see I’m still angry).

Why am I sharing this with you?

I’m not really sure, I had planned a post about Facebook spamming for today but since you’re here:

There will be times when all the learning and theory goes out the fecking window. There is a massive difference between knowing something and just knowing.

Being who you really are also includes those parts of you that you don’t see or (want to) recognise are part of you. We all have them so don’t worry.

That there will be some events that take you to places emotionally that scare the begeez out of you. Breathe.

That we can’t possible grow unless we know what we’ve already cultivated.

That we all have triggers waiting to be pushed.

Tears are a release. Use them.

Anger brings nothing.

Breathe.

I’m so human.

Here’s what went out the window today:

Breathing.
Not listening first to what my body was telling me before I reacted. Forgetting to ask myself ‘what do I feel right now?’ Working that out first and then acting.
I didn’t tell myself to ‘Get In The Boat’. Huh? A great technique (today I forgot about it, was it because it happened too fast?) Basically think about the times in the past when you have reacted and regretted. Did you feel flooded with emotions? Overwhelmed? Drowning? See these feelings as a fast flowing river, carrying you with them. When you feel them, tell yourself to ‘Get In The Boat’ and visualise yourself doing it. Usually works for me, so give it a go.
Not consciously controlling the emotions I could’ve controlled. And trying to control that what I can”t.

Your Turn

Got any tips or ideas for this one? What would you have done? Please share them in the comments, see you there.

PS: I did report them.

Deep Connection or Relationship Brushes?

August 20 Dawn

“No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.” – Alice Walker

I know that connection is what many of us crave (or are missing?) To belong. To love. To be loved. To not feel isolated or alone.

I observe that we are scared to connect deeply. We stop. We hold back. We stay silent and live in our own solitary confinement.

We live daily having relationship brushes. I’m committed to connection and yet I observe myself having these brushes on my Facebook personal profile: skirmishing around with a ‘like’ or a ‘share’ but not really connecting. (Not a good advert for connection!)

Offline I find myself sometimes struggle in situations where conversation (not necessarily connection) is expected: networking events, small talk at parties and some extended (and forced) family gatherings, I struggle. What with? The pleasantries, the fact that the conversations are just that, factual words. People keeping up with what others are doing, rather than on who they are. (Aside: that’s okay, but I just struggle with it occasionally.)

What would life be like if we put down our shields, stopped conforming to pleasantries, quit censoring ourselves and undertaking personal editing?
What if we were able to love, understand, have more empathy, complete honesty, compassion, trust, warmth and closeness with one another?

Isn’t it when one or more people come together and experience the real sense of belonging and acceptance isn’t that where the magic happens?

Removing The Shield

I witnessed someone remove their shields in an online group last week, they didn’t start with a conversation or some other people pleasing pleasantry. In that moment they spoke their truth.

The context doesn’t matter, what matters is the result of the action they took: they inadvertently put a small crack in the walls others were behind, it wasn’t long before people were offering their truth. This wasn’t a pity party. It was someone brave enough to cut through all the this is how relationships are formed rules and jump straight to communicating with their gut.

Others joined them and wrote they:

No longer felt alone, or isolated.
That they felt connected and included.
That they could feel as though they could openly contribute.
That they felt safe and able to share more.

Your Turn

What does “belonging and connection” mean to you? Leave a comment or send me a message.

This post was a result of a lot of thought from Patti Dighs Project137 – go check it out.

What You Do Matters

August 19 Dawn

My friend is a Dental Nurse.

She’s the one that prepares everything that the Dentist needs to make his job easier.

She’s the one who comes and gets us from the waiting room.

She’s the one who smiles at us and mouths ‘Are you okay?’ when we develop looks of terror in our eyes.

She’s the one that helps us set up our next appointments.

I’m looking for a new dentist, so she’s the one I asked.

She replied, ‘Don’t just look for a good dentist. Look for a good receptionist and a good dental nurse. If they care, you’ve pretty much found a good dentist’.

Interesting.

And very smart.

Here’s a story I came across a few years ago, as far as I’m aware it’s not true, but a good story it still is:

When JFK visited Cape Canaveral in the 60’s he met will all the elite people: scientists, astronauts, technicians. Near the end of the visit he was walking down a long corridor and just ahead of him there was an old grey-haired man stooped over a bucket, squeezing out mop. He was working slowly yet methodically.

On reaching the man Kennedy asked ‘What do you do here?’. The man put down the mop, stood up straight and looked right into President Kennedy eyes.

He replied ‘Sir, I am doing the same as everyone else here, I’m putting a man on the moon’.

Never assume that what you do doesn’t matter. It does.

There Is No Shame In Removing Your Mask…

August 15 Dawn

Who is the mask for? It doesn’t matter if you put it there, or others placed it upon you.

We all are wearing masks, covering up and keeping ourselves ‘safe’ and protected. How dare we reveal what is really going on in our world. How dare we say what we really feel. How dare we ask for help.

When the mask begins to slip the first reaction is to shoot up your hand and put it back in place.

Did anyone see the real you even for a second? What will people think? How will they react? What will they say? Will they be upset that underneath there is a very different story taking place? Do you feel shame and guilt because you exposed the parts of you you never dreamed others would discover?

Holding on to the mask is exhausting. Tiring. Painful to keep in place.

The thing is, we’re all wearing them:

Masks of shame.
Masks of guilt.
Masks of regret.
Masks of struggling.
Masks of pain.
Masks of fears.
Masks of imperfections.
Masks of failures.

Let it slip. Let it fall. Remove the layer.

Why?

Here you go…

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.” Singer, Jim Morrision

You’ve been walking the ocean’s edge, holding up your robes to keep them dry. You must dive naked under, and deeper under, a thousand times deeper. Rumi

“…be yourself- not your idea of what you think somebody else’s idea of yourself should be.” Henry David Thoreau

“Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. the new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open.” Stephen Russell

Read the last quote again please.

Dawn xxx

Lessons From a Very Poorly Cat

August 10 Dawn

Yesterday, I had to rush Tispsy (cat) to the vet. Tipsy is one of those cats that turns cat haters into cat lovers — he has a thing about him.

I had went outside for a breath of fresh air. He was lying in the sun, just at the door.

Nothing unusual until he went to stand up, both his back legs were paralysed.

No hesitation, I grabbed the cat basket, popped him in it and drove to the vet.

My diagnosis was he had broken his legs. Had he been run over by a car? Landed the wrong way after a jump? Jumped from something too high?

On first examination the vet said his legs weren’t broken, he needed to x-ray and see what was going on. I started crying. I’m not an expert, that’s the vet’s job. But I knew it was far more serious than a break.

Seeing my tears, the vet started to sugar-coat his words, I knew exactly what he was doing (making it easy for me) and I had to say, ‘I’m upset yes, but please give me everything straight, you don’t need to cover anything up’.

He didn’t. He gave me possible causes and none with an ending that any pet owner wants to hear, but only the x-ray would reveal anything.

His x-rays showed that Tipsy had broken his back.

Leaving him yesterday with the agreement that if he shows no signs of improvement through the night, the inevitable needs to happen. I received my phone call this am. And there is hope.

How? Because he had used his litter tray. It means that his body his still receiving messages from his brain and that is a v-e-r-y good sign, he can feel.

He’s not out the woods, I know that. I just have to wait today, tomorrow and possible the next day.

But I’ve been thinking about yesterday afternoon (as expected.)

This is life. Real life. Events and experiences that unexpectedly happen. Moments when we excel at putting everything else aside and focus on what needs to happen next.

When we have no hesitation in calling in an expert, no time to waste, no hanging about or second guessing. They never stop.

We don’t know what we don’t know. I guessed it was a broken leg, based on a) my limited perceptions and b) my very limited knowledge, am I doing this elsewhere in life? What am I not seeing that is obvious to others?

Being upfront and completely honest. I had to ask the vet to do this. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to wrapped up in cotton wool and denied the reality of situation. Do I wrap myself up anywhere? Do you? Unable to face the reality of what is actually happening?

Some days are days for ‘just being’. If you need them, take them.

Let’s finish with this, it’s popped into my mind twice today:

Where there is great love there are always miracles – Willa Carther

Screwed Up In The Past?

August 3 Dawn

In your life, wherever there is change, there is choice.

Sometimes the choices in front of you can feel like no choice at all. Whether you don’t like the choice or the consequences of the choices are unwelcome.

But choose you must, it’s part of living, to continually decide one path or direction over another, but how do you know the choices you make today are going to be the best for your future self?

You don’t.

You can only make what you believe is the best choice today, based on all the information and resources you have at your disposal at this moment.

I’m sure you have events and experiences in your life, that with wished for hindsight, you would’ve chosen differently. Who hasn’t? (Answer: no-one) I know that those choices for some of you will have led you to places you’re embarrassed to talk about and experiences that were painful, soul destroying, full of regret and shame.

How do you get over those ‘not the best’ choices from the past?

The relationships picked that ended in anger and blame, the careers started and then hated. The business blunders that caused you months of setbacks, the degrees and education started and never finished?

Are you letting past choices and regrets affecting your decisions about your future?
Are you not making decisions and choices because you’re scared that the same thing is going to happen again?

Do you say to yourself:

The last time this happened
In the past, when I’ve tried this
People say I shouldn’t live in the past, but I can’t help it
It’s so hard to get over

It’s a horrible place to live: in a past that you wish never happened.

Especially when it’s your past learning and experiences that are going to serve you well in the future.

The past is behind, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it. The present is here, live it. Thomas S Monson

I’m not going to deny the fact that some painful experiences will require professional help, however here’s a few things to remember that will help you accept your past and make better future decisions:

Remember That You Are Only (Awesomely) Human

Most people don’t speak about their bad decisions and choices. They still have them.

You may never hear about them, they may never share them, but we all have been there.

Being human (most of the time) comes with the luxury of being able to make choices and decisions. You can only make the choices today with what you know now.

And all those past choices you wish never made? They are now part of you. You may not realise it yet, but you will have grown from them, are you able to look at your past and collate what you did learn? Are you able to ask yourself ‘the next time, I will?’

The Past You Is Not the Future You

The past you doesn’t have to look like the future you.

In life, many people believe they are a choice or decision that was made, they attach themselves to an event or experience, sometimes label themselves and then act in accordance with the label. You make your life choices, you are not the choice.

You have a wonderful gift right in front of you; it’s called ‘The Present’. To some they see The Present as just the moment now, it’s much more than, it’s all encompassing. It’s your past, your present and your future.

Nobody is asking you to erase the learning’s you have gained from previous choices, it’s about acceptance of who you are today, where you have been before and where you are going tomorrow.

Ask yourself: with the knowledge I have from my past, how can I create a better future tomorrow?

Change You Can’t Control. Choosing the Change You Can

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. Victor Frankl

At any moment you can choose a different choice.

Your past ‘not the best’ choices and decisions does not make you a bad person, or someone who has failed life, far from it. If you let those failures poison your present thoughts, they will affect the future you.

See, change will happen whether you like it or not. The choices you make are yours alone. Change doesn’t change, we change ourselves.

Maybe you would like to ask yourself now:

What am I afraid to do because it hasn’t worked out the way I wanted in the past?
Where am I holding back because of a negative result from the past? Do I have the unequivocal proof that it will happen again?

Will you make ‘not so good’ decisions again in your lifetime? Probably. The goal is to get over them quicker, accept your responsibility in the making of them and plan your ‘the next time I will’ statement.

How to Make More Informed Choices

Gather all the information, data and resources you can.
Ask people their thoughts, opinions, comments, experiences, tips and tricks – then make your move based on your choice.
Ask yourself constantly ‘is this in my best interests at this time’?
Ask yourself if the choice is matched to your values, purpose, direction and vision?
Be prepared for all eventualities: plan for the worst and expect the best.
Make choices when in a positive frame of mind. Never in anger or despair.

You always have a choice, always.

If you don’t like the choices you have to play with, then play around with the choices.