Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

All blog post Moxie Living

What Are You (Really) Focusing On?

Anyone can take action, but not everyone can remain focused on the right action to take.

Why?

Short answer: because focusing is really hard work.

Take running a business, the focus needed to take to bring that alive and keep it breathing (as in getting the right people to find you, connecting with them, building a relationship with them, offering something they need and for them to say, ‘Can I have what you are offering?’) is, well, endless.

Putting up your website will take a little focus but not as much focus as being crystal clear on the reason why you are putting up a website in the first place and what it has to say today, tomorrow, next week and into infinity.

Finding out what you should be getting paid for in life requires focus, and again, hard work. Taking time out to treat your search and discovery with the same seriousness and commitment of remembering to record your favourite TV shows. I mean, writing your CV (Resume) takes focus, but not as much focus in exploring all your options available to you with the skills you have now, and those you want to grow. Applying for work IS full time work!

Getting bendy (read: fit), the focus is (generally) on losing, not on the possibility and potential of what can be gained gain. The focus is placed on the scales, folks are sucked in by the bombardment of messages of others telling them ‘this is the standard’ that you should achieve and live. It’s exhausting. Neither wonder focus wavers.

Being kinder, gentler, more compassionate, the focus is (generally) highlighting all the ways in which we’re not, as opposed to taking the time time to focus on all the ways in which we can remember that we deserve for ourselves, what we freely give to others.

Even writing, painting, drawing, making: real focus is when you are doing it, not when you are talking about doing it or choosing a nice pen to get it done! We both know it!

Focus means you have to actually make decisions, you have to actually choose, you have to quit suppressing yourself, get honest about is doable today and what you can work on for tomorrow. You have to find your own way of making sure your head and feet are pointing in the way you want to be going.

But above all else, you have to know the real, heart not head reason, why the focus is worth your attention in the first place. You have to know. And then quit wasting your beautiful life focusing on what simply does not meet your standards, what has no relevance, no purpose or what is sucking your energy to the point of depletion you don’t have any left to give the actions that are right for you.

Where’s your real focus? Are you looking the way you want to go or somewhere else?

 

You Are Only As Good as Your Last Fuck Up…

Which means if the title is true I am awesome, amazing, too hot to handle.

I totally screwed up today. We are talking a monumental. I have decided to add the ‘u’ vowel to fuck. I could have done the whole f*ck up thing. But why? I did fuck up. Putting a wee ‘*’ ain’t going to change it.

Today has been a day of either realising where I have fucked up, or, other people have been made aware of their fuck ups and feel rotten about it.

Wasn’t just me, lots of us fucked up. Today.

I got stuff wrong. They got stuff wrong. So what? No biggie. Simply told people ‘sorry, I/we fucked up’, actually what we really said was, ‘I am so sorry, this is my fault, let me try and fix it for you’. Totally could be, and was fixed. Nothing is not sortaboutable (that’s not really a word). Nothing.

The aftermath was in our head.

You know, it grates me, I am slightly giggling, but, still, it does actually bother me that when we ‘fuck up’ the nonsense we put ourselves through: what will people think, what if others think I am not worthy/capable/together enough, people/others will judge me on this one thing (not the amazing things I have done before) utter nonsense.

I’m not talking here about the ‘fuck ups’ that would matter, ‘ya know, you may be a surgeon and remove the wrong kidney type thing, I’m talking about slip up’s, got it wrongs, whoopsies, totally fixable stuff.

Are we all watching, waiting for others to judge us? What happened to compassion? Really? I am done with the judgement people can give when another human being makes a whoopsical.

We. Are. Human. We get stuff wrong. Often.

If you judge people when they fuck up: why?

If you beat yourself to a pulp when you fuck up: why?

I don’t know where I am going with this.

I think I want to say, we all fuck up. Sometimes it’s noticed by others, sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it matters, sometimes it’s no big deal (apart from in our own heads). Sometimes we do have to admit to mistakes, face the consequences and fix what we have whoopsied on. Sometimes we think it’s a HUGE deal we have screwed up (to others), when the reality is, it really isn’t.

Perfectionism is so 1980’s and over-rated.

7 Benefits to Fucking Up Royally:

  1. You get to apologise. And, REALLY MEAN IT! A ‘I’m sorry’ is only as good as ‘I will change my behaviour’.
  2. You get to learn.
  3. You (I hope) get to laugh. Sometimes? Yes?
  4. You get to correct and make it ‘right’.
  5. You get to be vulnerable. Wow!
  6. You are seen as a human being.
  7. You get to be human (how cool is that?)

Come on, share, where have royally fucked up recently? Learning?

Finding Your Way Through (& You Will, You Will)

A while back I was told Scout (la dog) had allergies.

She chomped her tail so much it was a right old infected mess.

To heal, she spent the best part of two months attired in the ultimate dog accessory – the cone of shame.

Walking her was interesting. Because of the cone, she had limited vision. Dogs have better peripheral vision than humans (about 60%) because their eyes are on the side of their head.

Wearing the cone means she couldn’t see danger until it was upon her: other people, other dogs, trees, lamp posts, gates etc. She was freaking out.

I like to be able to see the Big Picture in front of me, especially when it’s goal related.

But like Scout wearing her cone, there is no way I can plan for everything that is going to come up as I go. Sometimes I’m either wearing my own mental cone (shutting out other information) or I feel like I go so far bump into things and then I shut down because I’m not sure of the way forward.

The Big Picture can’t be seen all at once when we begin, the only way it reveals itself is when we bump our way towards it: can be scary, takes courage but heading forward anyway.

Often we ask when starting, ‘How will I deal with that if it comes up? How will I cope? What if I fail?’.

Never underestimate your ability to amend and adjust. It’s not a skill you have to learn, it comes with being human, you are creative by default.

You. Are. Creative. By. Default.

So what if you have to bump your way through something for a while?

Forwards is forwards. Is it not okay to learn as you go?

Does it matter you have to slow it right down for a time so you can take stock of where you are and where you are heading next?

Carry on.

Update: Scout dog and I have million miles to walk together. 

I’ve reached 50! And I Know Nothing …

Tomorrow is the big 50!

Or, if you want to say it phonetically. The Big Five Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Yeah, people say it that way. To my face. The shits.

I have made it with not many grey hairs on the top of my head, but a copious amount of chin hairs (under 50? You will join me one day, you will get them, I cannot prepare you for the horror) and laughter and fag lines that look like a century old map. Go me!

Wait, I need to let that sink in…

Half a century.

Wait.

Serious. I need a pause.

HALF a century. Feck.

Feck.

Wait.

Wow.

Ouch.

Now, I am sure I will look back on this on 25/02/2031 and think ‘Dawn, what a young thing you were, you had all that time in front of you!’ as I hit 60 (with a shitty pension).

A friend just whatsapped (or is it Whatsapped, or ‘Whata-apped, I dunno!) and said ‘Are you excited?’ My reply, ‘Yes, No, Maybe. Jo, it is a milestone.’ 

If you are over 50, you’re probably sitting there thinking to yourself, ‘Barclay, get a grip, you are only 50, you know nothing! Wait ’till you get to [insert age]’. 

You’d be right. I know nothing.

No, no, no, no, that’s not true. I’ve lived life eventful, ask my parents (still alive and kicking and raise their eyebrows often) who also keep me grounded on Facebook. Most of the past 50 years made of crap I have either a) created myself, b) allowed to happen, c) put up with for too long and the rest made up of utterly wonderful. Pretty much 50/50!

Do I have regrets of the past half a century? No. Do I wish I had stuck to different path? Are you kidding me? HELL YES! Seriously, come on, hindsight is wonderful!

I don’t know anything for anyone else, including you, but I’d like think I have learned some stuff I could share with others and they really got it. It’s nothing to do with the ‘I don’t want you to make the same mistakes hoohah’, geez, make your mistakes. Own them. Make them. You will anyway.

I’ve always held to a saying, ‘the older I get the less I know’, as I am allowed to change my thinking, I now want to say ‘the older I get the less pish I will put up with!’ 

So ladies and gents. Drum Roll Please. Without Further Ado. A normal persons guide to ‘Ach, Shit. I am 50 tomorrow, do I have anything I can write about that’? 

I give you …

50 Things (Short and Sweet, You Can Scan Them) From Someone Who Is Turning 50 Tomorrow and Knows Nothing Except What She Knows

  1. Kindness matters. Gee. If you are in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s … this is real! It MATTERS.
  2. And so does forgiveness. What? Aye, it does.
  3. Asking for help is honoring your weaknesses (go you!). You really will never know it all. Help is in abundance all around you, reach out.
  4. Tomorrow is a gift (start seeing it that way, WILL change your life). Really? Yes.
  5. If you don’t have anything nice to say, shut up, constructive is nice, so is tolerance.
  6. Hard conversations won’t go away, they will make them harder to have, and put years on you.
  7. You always know the right thing to do (now, this moment), and if it wasn’t right, this is the journey called life, welcome earthling. I am not saying it was the RIGHT thing to do, it was the right thing to do now.
  8. You can’t change anybody (you simply don’t have that power), you can only (read: only) change yourself.
  9. Follow your gut, it never lies (if it doesn’t feel right, it’s not), that niggling feeling, listen to the bugger. You know this stuff. You know! Trust yourself. Please.
  10. Shit that happened back then does not define you, it may follow you about for a bit, but nobody knows the whole story, do they? You don’t have to fill in the blanks for them, but, you can read them the correct version.
  11. Change is hard work. End of. No, you’ve heard it’s not? Bull. It is. Not impossible. It can just be hard.
  12. There are 2 ways to lose weight, and they need to be done at the same time and sustained: eat well and exercise. And learn all about self-esteem. That, my friend, is where the key is.
  13. You aren’t the centre of the universe. WE are the centre of the universe we are sharing. get over yourself. What? Sorry, not sorry, but you  and I are merely passengers. End of.
  14. Life can change moment to moment, stop thinking you are the driver of everything. Hate to tell you. But you are a passenger.
  15. Keep smiling. Short. Sweet. Find the humour. It’s there. Somewhere.
  16. You aren’t a lot of folks cup of tea. Nope. Some folks ‘dinnae like you. Hey ho. Ah well.
  17. That shit you are going through will change you. Forever – ever – ever. Good.
  18. Don’t become hard, become wiser.
  19. Any relationship that is broken can be fixed if you want it to be and are prepared to work for it, unless it isn’t, in which case it’s broken.
  20. Ask for what you want – might not be given, ask anyway. To who? Yourself. Ask for yourself what you want from you.
  21. No. Is a full sentence. Boundaries. Life. The Lot. Don’t like it? Don’t do it. End.
  22. You will always like the people who tell you what you want to hear more than those who don’t. Think about it. You need allies. Goes back to primal times. Belonging. But do the ones telling you not what you want to hear need some radio time?
  23. People who start a sentence ‘With respect…’, are about to disrespect you. So are the ones saying ‘It’s not a criticism’. Ah well.
  24. You don’t have to be brave and badass, you just have to learn to be you. Being human is badass enough.
  25. Learn tolerance. But don’t back down from bullies et al.
  26. This is my list so I will say getting utterly shit faced from time to time is okay. Do it in the most humorous company.
  27. Nobody else made your choices/decisions. Yeah, sorry about that. Sucks? I feel your pain!
  28. People will push your buttons, you get to decide if you react. And sometimes they will deliberately push ’em. Learn No 24.
  29. Someone always knows more than you. Oh. Stinger.
  30. Surround yourself with people that lift you up and you them. Don’t expect others to do for you what you have to do for yourself.
  31. No time is too long to reconnect with anyone
  32. Would you rather be happy or right all time? The answer to that is happy. No? We need to talk.
  33. Happiness is a choice. I don’t care what you have went through. We all have our story. We can choose happiness. See numbers 1 – 32, and 34 – 50!
  34. Meh Days. Yeah, we all have them. Ride them. You are stronger and braver than you think. Probably you are. But until you learn that. Ride the MEH days. Honour them as MEH days, not MEH weeks or months.
  35. Your going to screw up time and time again, ah well, so be it.
  36. The only thing you can control is how you feel about it. Okay. I know this is a rough one to swallow. I know it for my life. But it’s true.
  37. People stop asking if you have kids when you reach 49
  38. Everything is temporary. Thank goodness or oh no. See number 36.
  39. Sex and making love, the difference is poles apart. Chose the latter.
  40. Let (fucking) go of the stuff you can’t control (which is pretty much everything). Is that not just a relief?! Wow. I control nothing apart from the way I feel about it. Don’t get me wrong: death and losing a loved one, seriously, this is big stuff. Apart from the way I feel about it. I like MEY days (see 34) I feel they help people understand me better. B.S.
  41. Your partner is your equal. If it’s not. Counselling helps. If it still isn’t. Move on.
  42. People make mistakes, don’t crucify them for making them. Hold them accountable. But at the end of the day … see No 1.
  43. Yer whole, the gaps, life created them, easy to fill in.
  44. Everyone has a story. Pause. Listen. You will learn more about you.
  45. Your boundaries are yours, if crossed by another, you didn’t set them.
  46. Instagram is full of fake news.
  47. Spitting a full mouthful of coffee over someone because you were laughing is acceptable.
  48. You are not perfect. But you are really. But not. You have flaws. We all do.
  49. You don’t have to put up with shit, that is just shit, walk away. How? Ah, mon friend. We need to talk.
  50. Love or Fear. Make the choice.

Oh, I could go on. But reached 50. Only took 30 minutes. Easy.

Come on, share. How old are you? What is your biggest one liner to the world? The thing you just wished people would ‘get’.

Anyway, away to have a beer or six. It’s 50 Birthday Eve. Time to celebrate.

I still have no idea what I am doing with my life in the near future. Thank you for being here.

Dawn xxxxxx

 

 

 

What Will ‘People’ Think?

After being told off by mum one day, I stormed out the house almost taking the door off its hinges when I slammed it behind me, thudded up the garden and then I turned around and gave her the two-fingered salute. I didn’t know the impact of the hand signal (I was 7 or 8), but needless to say, I had an audience, she saw it, then she moved like a tornado after me. She went all Olympic runner, caught me, and I got hauled back inside for another rollicking.

From that day, there was always this little niggle that whatever I got up to, the parentals would be there, like they had invisibility cloaks or some other weird and wonderful magic ability. Ready to judge, comment, raise an eyebrow and ‘tut’, nicknamed ‘The Watchers’.

Then, when I became an adult and moved far enough away to not be ‘caught’, I substituted the parentals for other people.

Constantly I would be wondering and worrying about the audience: a generic term because I couldn’t even tell you who they were, I don’t have their names. I would hold back just in case I was making a mistake or worried about how my behaviour would be viewed in their eyes. I would join in when I wanted to separate, laugh because the audience was laughing even though I didn’t find it funny, I would be nice so as not to be hated. Recite the script that I didn’t write or believe in. Stay seated, even when I wanted to stand.

We think others are watching and judging us, more often than not we are watching and judging ourselves.

As you work on your goals in your life, and whenever you hear the words in your head, ‘What will people think?’

Ask yourself: which people specifically? Or have you got an imaginary group of Watchers, throwbacks from the growing up years? Journal the hell out that baby! Seriously. Nobody is watching you, they have there own battles going on.

Change is Hard, Fact. But So Is No Change

You want change. It has to be different. Life. Whether it’s an internal problem or an outward condition you’ve reached the stage where the old way must be gripped, released, put down, left behind. But why is change so darned hard at times?

Imagine you have been viewing your life through the bottom of a thick glass your entire life. It hasn’t blocked anything out but it has been distorted, unclear and not giving you an accurate representation of what’s really there. You’ve lived with it. It’s what you know. You’ve become used to not seeing the whole picture.

Now, imagine that someone who loves and cares for you comes along and tells you that you don’t have to use the glass to see through any more. You can put it down and if you do you’ll be able to see with more clarity and have a better perception of all and everything. They tell you that others before you have laid down the glass and they are struggling less. Life has become easier because of the simple fact they can see clearly where they are going.

Would you put down the glass?

Even though you’ve been carrying it your whole life and you don’t know anything else yet?

Would you resist? Would you ask your friends a heap of questions first, just to make sure you were doing the ‘right’ thing? Would you ask for proof and evidence that the ones who have removed the glass are happier and more at peace? Would you be worried that if you removed your glass you would be open and vulnerable, and want to be sure that if you didn’t like the new way you could return to the old? Just in case, right?

Change isn’t always easy because you are so used to the way things are. Even the parts of your life that you know cause you upset, pain, struggle, anger and frustration aren’t always easy to change because it doesn’t matter how ‘awful’ or ‘bad’ it is, we have to be getting something (positive) from the pain and upset otherwise we would have changed already.

When you dare to remove the glass, to put it down and see the (your) world as it really is it may be a shock, it may not be the way you want it yet. The picture is all new, you are back at the beginning again. It’s okay, really. From a glass put-er-downer. You’ll be okay.

Try these journal prompts. Try them. Who knows?