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How To End Feelings of Emptyness

March 2 Dawn

Have you ever asked someone how they are feeling to which the reply is ‘you know, same old, same old, I’m getting by’, perhaps you may have had used the same line or similar in a reply to a friend you have not seen for a while.

These statements, although they may be extremely accurate as that is genuinely what is happening, can be loaded with unspoken pain.

It may also mean time is flying by, years are slipping away and feelings of despair that they or you are living on groundhog day, they are repeating yesterday over and over again.

For some people the above statement is one that is never questioned, that is, they genuinely have the goal to be living a life of ‘same old, same old’.
For others it’s not, if this is you, perhaps you are living a life right now knowing that ‘something is happening, something is stirring, a change is afoot’, you may ‘feel’ ready for something greater than what is occurring in your life right now, however no matter how much you want it, it’s not appearing.

It’s brewing and bubbling under the surface yet it has not shown itself. Perhaps you are beginning to feel more and more empty as the old you is disappearing and you have not yet figured out what you are going to fill it with!

If you find yourself in the place of no longer wanting the old and looking forward to the new, it’s natural you move between a state of excitement and that of discomfort. It is perhaps like being stuck at the airport ready to go onward with the journey, yet no plane has your name on it and there is no turning around to go back to what you know best. Have you felt like that or are you feeling it now?

Let’s look at the positives: unlike some who are leading a ‘same old, same old’ you have in fact stepped up and started to face the fact your life is not exactly in order. You may have some things prepared. If we go back to the airport for a minute: you may have a few papers in order perhaps your passport, some travellers cheques, a visa, some cash for when you get to where it is your going however you may have lost the oversight and not chosen a destination. But the great news is, you have decided to go!

Instead of following the rules so many of us do called ‘The Rule Book for Just Getting By’, you have decided to write your own. You have successfully decided that the rulebook that is used by many was not written for you anymore. You have become discontented by the contents, and made the brilliant decision that running on empty is no longer for you.

You have created a disturbance so great in you that you want; no, you have to follow it through. Yet, the unknowing is sometimes as painful as not knowing where you are heading. And this can feel like you are running on empty.

If you find yourself standing at an airport, ready and willing, there are some that say ‘if you don’t know where you are heading stay put’, the other option could be, take a flight somewhere, you can always get from one city to another city via a thousand different flights.

Just start the journey, you are ready.

How Can Conflict Increase Self Esteem?

March 2 Dawn

Are you a person who says often ‘oh, I hate conflict, I avoid it all costs’? The cost you are avoiding is a high price to pay for your own confidence and self respect.

The word ‘conflict’ is loaded with ambiguity. For many of us the word conflict creates negative pictures, it is used in all forms of media and generally is something to be avoided at ALL costs. It is no surprise then that many of us try to avoid it.

There are so many definitions of conflict, however lets define it here as being…

…parties are in a disagreement and feel as though their needs, wants and wishes are being compromised.

It’s a simple definition; yet, we can make meaning out of it.

As long as human beings communicate, there will be conflict. Unless the human race eventually realises that not one person thinks the same way, feels the same emotions, has the same experiences or witnesses events in the same way then conflict has the door to exist.

From a personal development view, conflict can be an opportunity to grow, develop and increase skills in empathy, understanding, emotional intelligence and assertiveness.

On a training course I delivered, to members of the same staff team, they had a period of time when they were in conflict with each other, about what should be happening in the workplace. Although managed, there was an opportunity to resolve the conflict however one person apologised for saying how they felt and other accepted the apology!

Neither had anything to be sorry for, the apology came from a place of ‘please don’t hate me, for saying how I really feel’.

When conflict exist it is really easy to remember that that emotions that you are feeling the other party is feeling them too, and that is the starting point. Explore (even if you have to imagine) what the other person might be feeling, thinking, behaving.

Put yourself in their shoes so to speak.

Unresolved conflict is unhealthy emotionally and physically, here are a few steps:

Acknowledge and verbally state with the other party that conflict exists, be gently and ensure that this is not a conflict! Use words such as ‘I feel that there is conflict here, shall we try and resolve it?’ As opposed to ‘we need to meet to talk’, which says nothing.

Agree with the person a time, space and place to meet and discuss. Be prepared before by creating a list of what you want to say and what you want to understand from the other side.

Set the goal that this meeting is not about adding to the conflict, it’s about resolution, the goal may also include how you want to leave the meeting and how you would like the conflict resolved.

Listen, you could agree that each person has 5 minutes to put across their concerns, views, problems, suggestions etc whilst the other person listens with no interruptions or questioning at this stage. Then let others have the same amount of time. If anyone chips in or starts to question, gently and firmly state ‘let’s have five minutes’ each.

Agree where the conflict exists, what are the specifics, identify where you agree on certain points.

Create a list of where the conflicts are and work through each one.

To set the goal that this conflict is going to be resolved the name of this list is important, ‘The Problems’ is not as effective as ‘Points To Grow’.

Own what you say. If this meeting is loaded with ‘you make me’, ‘when you’ or other ‘you’ you may not mean it however you are not owning what you say.

You could try ‘when X or Y happens, it makes me feel, I would prefer it if…(give an example of how you would like the behaviour to be)’.

You are then not attacking the person, you own what you say…when you use the word ‘I’.

One of the greatest skills you can learn is compromise. Accept the fact that you are not always going to be able to get ALL things your way. That is unrealistic, especially if your conflict is with another human being. Most people DO want to compromise however to do this effectively you need to let go.

No, not give up, let go.

Identify all the possible solutions to the conflict, ones you may not even have thought of. If there are many choices then one or two will possible sit well with you. And one where you can compromise.

Once the solutions have been agreed, they must be actioned.

Ensure that all parties visually agree either by nodding their head that the solution is one that everyone is in agreement with. Acknowledge the fact that not everyone may be comfortable with the final decision however the agreement means that movement forward has been made.

Take action on the agreement and set a time to review the actions have been completed.

If the above falls down and people leave the meeting still feeling resentment towards on another then perhaps a third party who is impartial should be involved.

Job or Career? Is There a Difference?

February 20 Dawn

So, you’ve decided that now is the right time to get a new career or pursue that new job. What language do you use to describe your work habits? How do you think and speak about what you get paid for? Do you use ‘my career is’? Or ‘my job is’?

Do you think of yourself as ‘career orientated’ or ‘career minded’? Perhaps, do you see a career is something that comes with having a string of qualifications? Is ‘having a career’ something better than ‘having a job’? Or are they same?

Generally, people assume the two are different. They are, by definition, however can they be separated in reality? One of the biggest differences between having a job and having a career could be that of attitude and thought.

Please, before you jump and down and list your qualifications carry on reading…

You see there is so much ambiguity, ideas and lies around careers and jobs for example:

A job does not include a career but a career usually involves many jobs
A job is a means to an end; a career is more personally fulfilling
A job is lower paid than a career role
A career is harder to achieve than getting a job
A career obviously involves many qualifications, having a career is very specialised

So, can you have a well thought out career that pays well: full of advancement, progression and promotional opportunities. Yet you detest it. No, you loathe it. You cry going in and are depressed after your holidays. Well, you are working a job. You are working to pay the bills. Your career does not fit your passion and purpose.

On the other hand. Say, you call what you get paid for a job. It may not have taken you years of qualifications to get there; it might not be well paid however it is lucrative in other ways. You love it. Everything about it. The tasks. The people. The day-to-day role. The customers. Even though you may not think about it this way yet, you have a career.

Eh?

Do you need some definitions?

Okay…

Career: A chosen pursuit, occupation or profession.

Job: A task, or series of tasks you get paid for.

Please focus on the word CHOSEN. So, whatever you have chosen to do. That’s a career. The job element is the tasks you undertake within that career.

People who have a career, also have a job, otherwise they would not have a career. They get paid for carrying out tasks (jobs) that fit the career choice. People who have jobs are still within a career choice.

A career is a path, full of choices, using your full skills, talents and experiences. The path is not ‘job’ or ‘tasks’ yet it is made up of a lifelong journey that fully utilises your strengths and talents. It encompasses your leisure, family, relationships; it’s made up of all the parts of you. The fact you get paid for this is the job element.

How can you pursue a career that leads to carrying out jobs you get paid for?

Nothing Remains the Same

To constantly have a happy rewarding career journey of your choosing, stay alert to what it happening around you. Recognise that in the jobs you carry out within your career there is a big world out there and flexibility, adaptability and willingness to accept change is key to surviving in these times.

Nothing is Ever Fully Learned

If you believe that when you finish formal education you are all set, then you may be disappointed. Learning is lifelong, the brilliance of being an adult in the throws of a career path means that you also now can make the decisions of how, what and where you learn. It’s never done.

You Are Never At A Crossroads

People feel that their careers are a choice to be made one path over another. Crossroads suggest that one path is better than the other. Careers are a lifelong path, twists, bends, humps, roundabouts, crossroads and the map is huge, the world is a large territory. Start by realising that your career is a journey and sometimes we go places we are really not keen on or wish we had never went, however you can always get back in the driving seat, travel down different roads to see different destinations. Get it?

Follow Your Passion

There is nothing more wasted than a dream, passion and purpose left to sizzle out and have no action taken upon it. Even the impossible can become possible. If you are constructing a career of your own choosing, choose what’s right for you at this moment. And choices are always being made, and they can be changed along the way.

The Power Of Association

If a career is a journey of life, like the CV is a biography of your life. Build up strong, meaningful and purposeful connections. Everyone needs meaningful relationships and no one is except from this. Associate with what you find valuable and it helps you recognise your strength, talents and uniqueness.

So is there a difference in career versus job? Yes, by definition. The jobs we carry out may be better to sit in alignment with our career journey: the roads we are choosing that sit well with us emotionally will ensure that we are working on tasks that are following our passion and purpose in our career planning, job hunting and career changes.

How Big is Your Emotional Dictionary?

February 19 Dawn

If there are 4000 listed emotive words in the English Dictionary how many of them do you use? I invite you to think for a minute and mentally jot down all the ones you can think of.

Well, how many?

10? 20? 30?

If you were able to identify more, I congratulate you, the content of your emotional dictionary is healthy. If you were in the 10 – 30 bracket, it’s okay you are not alone.

How big our emotional dictionary is, is a good indicator of how accurate we can be in describing exactly how we feel. If I were to say to you ‘I’m really upset’ or ‘I’m so angry’ would that be an accurate description?

Being able to identify exactly how you are feeling is a skill you can learn. Let’s look at ‘being upset’ it could more accurately be describe as tearful, lost, down, melancholy, strange, let down, confused and so on.

By breaking down the word upset you may find you become closer to the reason behind why you are feeling what you are feeling.

There is always a reason behind what you are feeling. All to often many of us can become the victim of a very short list of negative feelings. We take on the feeling and hence the behaviours and thoughts without fully questioning ourselves of why it exists.

Have you ever been in company and the person has said ‘I’m fine’ and all other evidence (eye contact, words, body language, behaviour) has suggested they are far from fine. This is a perfect example of when someone is unable to look up their internal dictionary and have the emotional literacy to express how they are feeling.

Why is our accurate use of an Emotional Dictionary not strong? It may have started in your informative years. Where you ever told to ‘be seen and not heard’ or ‘when we get it here, you will behave’ or ‘dry your eyes’ or only praised for the jobs you did well?
Were you raised in an environment where the adults around were great at disguising how they were feeling, ‘not in front of the children’ or witnessing extremes of emotions: constant anger or emotional upset.

Sadly we live in a world where what we are outside is more important than what is happening inside. You only have to look at the ‘celebrities’ that are photographed when they are displaying emotions. It’s like by displaying an emotion they are failing at entertaining, because they are being human.

If you wanted to start adding to your emotional dictionary there are few things you could do.

If someone asks you ‘how you are feeling’ answer them truthfully, avoid the words fine, okay, sure you may be these things however, find an alternative, and try not to use the same word twice in any given month.

Look at where you over generalise feelings, to say you love your children and you love salt and vinegar crisps is an over generalisation of the word love. Perhaps you hate ironing, going shopping and aubergines, if you use the word hate in this situation can you use it within the context of injustice or war.

Many people don’t have a match of what is happening inside to what is happening outside. This is detrimental to your health. For example in the workplace you may be extremely annoyed, hurt and exhausted that a person has taken credit for a piece of work that you completed. And yet outside when they speak to you, you behave as if these feelings do not exist.

You are accountable for how you feel, no –one else. How can you grow and change if you cannot acknowledge and be truthful to yourself first?

Time to Switch Your Career?

January 20 Dawn

career switch Time to make the switch? Does your current career no longer fit?

It’s no secret that some of you will change career quite a few times in your life time, statistics tell us at least 6 times.

However, some people fear the switch not because they aren’t perfectly capable and able, but due to being conditioned and believing these statements such as:

‘once you have a job, keep it’
‘it’s a tough market
’stick with what you know’
‘work hard and you’ll reap the rewards at the end, when you retire’

and perhaps the most damaging of them all

‘you’re too old to change career’

With those beliefs it’s no wonder some of you fear a career change.

Subconsciously the above statements are playing havoc with your brain, which in turn affects your behaviour and ultimately your goals.

You may find yourself limited and stuck just by having those or similar beliefs alone.

Isn’t it about time a change was needed? If not in your career right now at least by your thinking.

You see, not only do those beliefs affect career changers, for those not in employment they damage the potential possibilities that can be achieved.

What’s needed is to create some doubt in the negative power of the beliefs mentioned above, a little bit if uncertainty, a new way at looking at it.

See jobs are created to serve the needs and goals of someone else.

It (the job) only exists because it is needed at this moment and time. All that can change tomorrow.

Work hard to retirement and reap the rewards?

There are some of us who could not even imagine working in the same role by the time we get to retirement. What was once deemed a ‘job for life’ does not exist anymore, we all know that.

‘I am too old to change career’.

I’m going to put in some realism here and say, if I wanted to change into a ballet dancer NOW its a tall order, is it going to happen

According to my bones, no!

However I could be transfering skills and researching how I can match my love for ballet with the skills, information, knowledge and attributes I do have…open a school? Work in a theatre? Fundraise for a ballet company? And attend the ‘Bones Don’t Bend That Much Anymore Ballet Troup’!

I am being flippant. What’s old? Who are we listening to when we decided ‘oops missed that career by a day over last Birthday’.

The point, so many people want to change their career, and they never do, because they get trapped by beliefs that were handed down to them, or they have created.

If you’re considerng a change, explore. Research. And for goodness sake be aware of your thinking. When you are riddled with doubt and uncertainty, question those beliefs about ‘work’.

New Year Resolutions – Waste of Time?

January 19 Dawn

Did you make New Year Resolutions?

Have they stuck?

Did you get to the 3rd of January and realise that you forgot (or ignored) your great plans made less than 48 hours earlier?

You are not alone.

The majority of New Years resolutions made are never followed through to the end result. 75% of them in fact.

Are you one of the remaining 25%, or do you fall into the ‘not worked try next year’ bracket?

Why wait another YEAR before changing something that no longer works for you?

Why do resolutions generally not work?

The arrival of new year seems to be the time when we reflect on all areas of our lives. We think back on the last 365 days and consider our ‘might have beens’. We say things like ‘Where has this year gone; it’s just flew’.

We all know the year just passed is going to be the same length of time as the year to come.

Yet, for many of us we build all our hope, aspirations, goals into one day, January the 1st, and we do it by looking back! It’s like this day alone can only be used for getting a fresh perspective, acceptance that things have to change and acknowledgement of the areas of our lives that no longer work for us.

New Year resolutions may have no thought attached (for the flagging 75% of us). They generally can carry no weight, hence the no legs! All resolutions or goals require a change of thought patterns to change unwelcome behaviour or a change of behaviour to change unwelcome thoughts.

Imagine for a moment the resolution as being the table top. How can we give it some legs to carry its weight?

Leg 1: Preparation is Key!

All fantastic resolutions require thought, planning and action taken. So, for instance, say your resolution is to weigh less . Start thinking of yourself thinner.

Get a clear picture in your head of YOU thin…

What will it feel like?
Where will you shop?
What size will you be?
What will you be eating?
Will you feel sexier?
Will you be fitter?
What activities will you be doing?

Or, what about a new career? What if your New Year resolution is to get paid for something you love to do? THINK about the picture, the end result.

Where are you working?
What is the environment like?
What are you wearing?
How do you get there?
What are your workmates like?
What are you doing?
What are you saying?
Now, remember your brain moves towards what it thinks about most. It moves towards the dominant picture.

Your job is easy–create and prepare your brain for the new pictures and make the one you want (the resolution or GOAL) the most dominant.

Then what happens is it starts to scour your environment to seek opportunities to meet that dominant picture. Simple. (All right, there is a little bit more to it; however, for now start creating the dominant picture of what you WANT.)

Leg 2: Belief

Do you know what self efficacy is? It’s the BELIEF in the desired result or outcome. In order to reach these New Year resolutions, Leg Number 2 is Belief.

Your brain believes everything you tell it. It will believe whether it’s real or not. Eh? Your brain is that powerful that you can create how you want it to be.

Now, you may say, ‘But it’s not true. How can it be? I ‘m not a size 10, or I have not stopped smoking or I’m not really confident or I’m still in my awful job. It’s not real’. No, not yet. What you are doing is creating enough doubt about your current reality and belief system so that the NEW belief is becoming the dominant picture. It’s really that simple. Because you believe it to be the truth, you will start to see what you missed until now.

Leg 3: Just Be Your Best Self

You will never be perfect. Ever. When people start out with New Year resolutions, they may make a few mistakes, errors, have the odd relapse. What happens? They give up. They decide it never worked and stop trying. There is a wonderful quote by Napoleon Hill, Author of Think and Grow Rich:

“If you make a plan and the plan fails – make a new plan. If that plan fails – make a new plan. The only person who fails is the one of gives up.”

As humans, some of us believe that unless it’s perfect, it’s never going to be great. Your BEST SELF is always good enough. Stop beating yourself up!

Leg 4: No Wishful Thinking

New Years resolutions and goals are not hopeful or wishful thinking. They definitely don’t work if we have a thought about them ONCE and then sit back waiting for things to happen. Many people have wonderful plans, exciting ideas and amazing ‘could be’s,’ and then do nothing about them. What a waste of energy!

Generally, because they have not prepared the brain for change, or created new beliefs, what happens is they start to lay blame for their goals not working. They lay it on the world, their lifestyle, their finances, their job, their partners, the dog, lack of this and that.

With love, quit the victim mentality. Decide that today and all the days to come are yours if you want them. You don’t have to wait until the next New Year. They are your responsibility, you are accountable, and only YOU can make YOUR life happen, YOUR way.

If we live by wishful thinking, we will be disappointed.

The key: if you are making resolutions or any goals, give them some LEGS. A GOAL with no support will fall down!

Lastly,

If the year just past has not been ‘the best’, one of the greatest things that you can do for your soul (yes, I did say soul) before you head into any new day, never mind a new year, is to pause and think for minute of all the things in your life that you are grateful for.

Gratitude is not some wishy washy phenomenon. Never make the mistake that being grateful and positive is weak or ‘for them’! It takes more courage to be this than ungrateful and negative.

I know some may fight me on this one with thoughts such as ‘But it’s been awful’, ‘She has no idea how terrible it has been this year’ or ‘No more self help, touchy feely nonsense’. You are right, I don’t know your story; however I also know (and so do you) that nothing remains in the same state forever. Everything changes. Everything. I love the saying, ‘This too shall pass’. It’s always right.