Dawn Barclay

Helping you align all that you do with your core values

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What Are Effective Communication Skills?

'A Picture Tells a Thousand Stories'

I’ve just been supporting a client complete an application form, one of the ‘essential’ criteria for the role listed in the job description is ‘effective communication skills’.  (My brain asked ‘effective to what, to whom’?)

What I regard as effective communication skills are going to be very different to yours.

Are they…

Listening – there is such truth in the saying ‘we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak’, so why are most of us not that great at it? 

Real listening, the ‘listening to understand, not respond’  is tough going for our busy ‘fill in the blanks’ brains.  When did you last really listen?

Empathy – being able to identify with what another person is feeling.  Saying ‘I know how you feel’ is not the same, as ‘I understand how you feel’ (because we cannot ever truly know how a person is feeling).  We all have our own ‘maps’ and our own references to the world around us.  True empathy is about being able to understand and step into another’s world and to it view from their experiences, not ours. 

Genuineness  – the ability to be honest and true about who and what you are.  Congruence is a similar word meaning:  you are what you say you are.  When you communicate it’s the real you not a made up, fake, false representation.

Non-Judgemental – remaining open minded and hearing another view point, even when you completely disagree?  It’s a tough one, like listening many say they ‘don’t judge’.  That means sometimes holding onto your own opinion, complete acceptance that what the other is doing, being or saying is right to them! 

Seeking Clarity – have you ever received the wrong message?  Misinterpretation? Did you seek clarity?  Understanding?  Were you able to backtrack and clear up what the message meant?  There is always time to revisit and ask for specifics. 

Being Present – be there, mind and body.  Give the messages you receive 100% attention.  Stop everything else and focus.  

Confidentiality – not just reserved for the therapists couch! Developing your own code of ethics is simple; ask yourself this ‘when I disclose information to another what would I expect’? Give the same in return.

What would you say are ‘effective communication skills’? 

7 Ways to Let Go of Emotional Baggage

When I’m working with clients I use the term ‘emotional baggage’ to refer to the unresolved emotional pain that they are storing in their unconscious mind.

When triggered the person with the unresolved issues can react in extremely negative ways, and they also may find that the same life situations repeat over and over.

7 Ways to Start Letting Go…

1. Find support – if you know that you are carrying any negative emotions from experiences and events of the past, and they keep on repeating — get help, unbiased help.  Yes, friends and family are great to talk to, however are they the right people for what you seek, is it time to use a qualified professional?

2. Acknowledge the feeling – the first step of ridding yourself of a negative emotions (or a fear) is to admit that you have it in the first place.  Many ‘sweep’ their emotions away – undealt with it will continue to occur time and time again.  You don’t need to accept, just acknowledge it’s present.

3. Explore how it got there. Yes this could be painful.  You may not remember the exact experience detail by detail, however with help you will be able to look at your triggers and work out alternative behaviours to use.

4. Focus on what you would like to feel instead, takes practice, yet knowing what your feeling and why your feeling it plus having the skill to change is one worth learning.

5. Work on your thoughts. If you have emotional baggage, the chances are that when an external event occurs that triggers your reaction you ‘think’ in a certain way.  Train yourself on how to stop the negative thoughts patterns (there are tools for this, takes massive conscious action)

6. Reassure avoid or maintain a distance with those who ‘press your triggers’ while you are working on you.  If no physical space can be created, at least set and maintain your own mental boundaries.

7. Choose to let go  – this is actually much easier than what many believe.  You could start with repeating phrases such as ‘today, I use my emotions to my best intent’ or easier ‘I’m letting go’.  Strange?  Yes, if it’s not your language, practice and choose to adopt it as your own.

New Year, New YOU (Lets Not Get Carried Away)

Have you been noticing all the new year, new you marketing messages?

Before you send away for a years supply of a  slimming drink, 12 months membership to ‘Your Future Year in Astrology’, a ‘Hip, Bum and Tums’ implement of torture from QVC or ‘At Home Lipo Suction Toolkit’ with $4000 in bonuses (WOW) from some 4am dodgy shopping channel, get yourself a mince pie and pause a minute…

A new ‘calander’ year is nearly upon us both, this is true, are you ready to embrace it or are you going to go through a ritual of self-punishment and abuse as you plan a ‘rebirth’ for yourself via new year resolutions generally written out of sheer panic.

The coming of a New Year does carry an outstanding amount of hope, optimism and freshness (psychologically the use of the word ‘new’ being a leading contributor, let’s leave language and triggers for another day).  Is it because 1st January is the only day of the year when we’re fully aware, present and paying attention to the passing of our clock time, is that why we become melancholy and introspective about it?

When you’re celebrating are you conscious about the hands on the clock “half an hour to go, ten minutes, five minutes, 20 seconds, 10, 9, 8…Happy New Year!”   Is there another time in the year you do this?

Some people who realise that their time here is indeed passing and becoming less, set about creating for themselves little life instructions; resolving ‘problems’ or finding solutions, breaking negative habits, they decide that they are not going to be the same person this year as last year, and they consider to do all this at the stroke of midnight on ONE day of the year!

No, I’m not belittling resolutions it’s the ‘done once a year’ part that I’ve got a bee in my bonnet with!  I applaud the act of resolving problems, goal setting, planning and future pacing.  I congratulate and I’m always in awe of an individual who is willing and committed to spending more time thinking about their life than they do planning a two week holiday every year!

We all have unlimited potential to create a life of our own choosing, of course we do, more than we could possibly need in an entire lifetime.  Yet new year resolutions don’t cut it – for at least 90% of people who ONLY set them!  The person declaring ‘I’m giving up smoking’ or ‘I’m going to be thin’ or ‘I’ll find the perfect partner’, backed by airy fairy and wishy-washy happy clappy thinking may find they are done, failed and dusted by the 5th of January, then leave it until the next 1st of January before they start again.

However if they had started out strong with a clearly defined plan and map PLUS a desire to break through all and every barrier that could be thrown in their way, like a ninja or warrior armed to the teeth with ideas, creativity, commitment, solutions, determination, drive and prepared to sweat really hard if needed they may have had a very different result.

If they had first resolved to be full of resolve!  Not quitting, giving up or let their ‘hope’ falter.

Here’s the thing, it really doesn’t matter what day of the year it is for us to resolve that the past has gone and that we have 365 daily opportunities for creating and carving a new way of life, for 100% believing in ourselves and our abilities to find solutions for problems (that we are part of and may have created).

That every day we can make things happen or not.  

That we don’t need to wait for the clock hands to make the choice that all time is our time.

That we are and always will be the same people today as what we were yesterday or last year however, we have more than enough potential to aspire, create and carve our alternatives.

If you wake up each day, are you able to hold onto the feeling and hope that a new year brings?  Please don’t waste it, don’t let ‘clock time’ determine when it’s your time — it’s always yours, the question is do you have the resolve to take it?

Happy All and Everything!

A Quick Introduction to Emotional Intelligence

Do you have anyone in your life who displays any of the following behaviours (on a regular basis)?

  • Gets all defensive and angry when they are given any form of feedback?
  • Flies of the handle at the slightest thing?
  • Gets really upset and displays behaviours such as crying and tantrums when things aren’t going their way?
  • Ignores how the rest of the room is feeling and is unable to pick up the emotions of others?
  • Is like a Boeing 747, they land on others feelings: they don’t hear what they say or just ignore it?
  • Are they unable to step into another person’s shoes?
  • Is completely unaware of how they behave, react to others and the damage their behaviour has?

Emotional Intelligence (EI) was a phrase originally coined in 1990 by psychologist John Mayer and Peter Salovey.

They developed the thinking and theory, however very quickly it was adopted by hundreds of other writers, psychologists, educators and the most popular book around EI was by Daniel Goleman who wrote ‘Emotional Intelligence’ and ‘Working With Emotional Intelligence’.

Emotional Intelligence is (as its name suggests) how you use your emotions intelligently and appropriately: according to Mayer and Salovey emotionally intelligent people:

Know their own emotions what they are feeling and why they are feeling it
Express the right emotions at the right time
Can control their emotions

In short, emotionally intelligent people are able to guide their own emotions as opposed to their emotions guide them.

Why Even Bother To Practice Emotional Intelligence?

  1. You reduce stress, not having control over our emotions is stressful and the effects can be long lasting. How long does it take you to ‘come down’ from an argument for instance?
  2. You’re able to deal with challenging and difficult situations more effectively.
  3. You’re health and mental well-being improves.
  4. You develop higher confidence and self-esteem.
  5. You’ll know your triggers (emotional triggers) and be able to stop them being released as others push on them.
  6. You’ll be able to recognise what your feeling and why you’re feeling it, giving the opportunity to change it.
  7. You’ll be able to stop downward spirals of negative emotions.
  8. You’ll be in control, this is key to building confidence and self-esteem, nothing is no longer ‘done to you’.
  9. No more ‘You made me feel’ comments directed at others, you take full accountability and ownership.
  10. You’ll know how to change a situation where emotions are involved: you’ll say the right things at the right time.
    Ways to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence has various ‘threads’ running through it three of the main ones are:

Self Awareness

Recognise and know what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it. The simplest questions to ask yourself is ‘what am I feeling right now’?

Empathy

Stepping into another’s shoes, seeing the world from their viewpoint, with no judgement. Another question to ask yourself is ‘what experiences has this person had that is making them behave this way?’

Management of Your Emotions

You always have full control over your emotions. You have more than enough intelligence to decide what you want to feel, how to change what you’re feeling and completely reverse feelings. The question to ask yourself ‘what is the emotion doing for me right now?’

  • Deliberately hang out with people who you feel have nothing in common with you!  Seek and search for ways of ‘how you are alike’.
  • Display non-aggressive behaviour.  We all know when we are ‘rising’ to our emotions because there is a physical change in the body.  Stop it. Walk away or change the emotion.
  • Meet, talk and interact with people with the intention of building your emotional intelligence.  Be present and aware.  As soon as you find yourself losing attention, bring it back.  Connect with others on an emotional level.
  • Refuse to use the words ‘You/They made me feel (fill in the blank)’: no one (as the saying goes) can make you feel anything, you feel what you want to feel at any moment.

Day 9 Quitting Groundhog Day

Do you make the same mistakes over and over and over?  Do you get better ‘for a while’ and then repeat the same behaviour pattern?  And do you KNOW you’re (as Britney sang) ‘whoops doing it again’!

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks.  It’s all about shifting focus, what your paying attention too, rewarding your ever so good behaviour and treating yourself!

Whatever ‘it’ is, it’s a habit.  Your little ‘ole brain has programmed itself.  

A circle, wheel, merry go round. Have you heard the saying ‘if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got’?  Habits!

The cycle needs broken.  You need to step out the circle.  Change the programme. 

Here’s a suggestion…

Step 1: Be aware and present, recognise if you are repeating the behaviour, become conscious (v-e-r-y important, you need to be aware of it to change it) of the habit, being conscious of it means you can question it.  Why am I behaving this way?  If I continue this path what’s the outcome?

Step 2: Change the programme.  Just like a switch on the remote control for the TV.  For example, you’re a procrastinator, don’t give yourself permission to ‘put it off’.  Change the programme.  Do it!

Step 3: Commit to yourself.  If your programme switches back to the old way, that’s not it, you ‘ain’t flunked.  Start again the next day. 

I heard once it takes 28 days to change a habit…choose one habit today and you’ll have it nipped in the bud by mid January!

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Day 8 Invent Relationships

Is your world full of people you trust, respect, can communicate openly and authentically with, open and are you surrounded with people you actually like?

Are your relationships healthy, understanding, thoughtful, considerate?

There is a school of thought your life is a reflection of what you give out.

Are you attracting the type of people you want to be in your life?  For 2011 what type of relationships would you like to have? Are there traits, behaviours, characteristics that are missing in your relationships?  How will you find them?

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