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Dawn Barclay

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Shy? Introvert? Inhibited? You Might Not Be…

September 15 Dawn

Have you ever described yourself as shy, introverted, inhibited or timid?

Have people said to you “you’re far too sensitive, harden up?”

Do you feel completely overwhelmed and need to retreat in highly stimulating environments: those that are loud, bright, busy, full on?

Ever said…

‘I can’t cope in public’

‘I feel odd, it’s as if I don’t belong’

‘I lack confidence‘

‘Being around lots of people is too much, I just want to run’

Yes?

Here’s something that might interest you…

Have you heard of HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)?

I’m not a DR, an expert of HSP, or psychotherapist, and I’m not saying you should nip away and diagnose yourself. There are links at the end of the post to find out more from people more equipped than me.

A little background…

I’ve just finished reading  The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive & Survive When the World Overwhelms You by Dr Elaine Aron as a few weeks ago I had a friend come to visit who told me they were an HSP.

I’d heard of it, but never really dug deep,until now…

After listening to my chummy, nodding along and being really intrigued by what they were describing, I nipped online and completed Arons’ self test.

My score was high, v-e-r-y high. 22 out of 27 high!

According to Aron (Dr of Clinical Psychology) HSP is a personality trait and it’s a person with a very sensitive nervous system, people with HSP are simply more aware of and easily aroused by their surroundings.

HSP can also include: sensitivity to pain, easily startled, overwhelmed by loud, harsh, sudden sensory input i.e. bright lights, strong smells and scents. Aron described people with HSP as cautious and highly conscientious, extremely empathic (can pick up moods of others easily and knows what to do to change a mood), more cooperative  rather than competitive.

40 Years On and a Little Light

According to Aron people with the HSP personality trait are wrongly labelled shy, introvert, inhibited, timid.

In the self test (link at end), Aron asks you to ‘tick those that are true or are somewhat true for you’, such as:

  • Do you get easily overwhelmed with sensory input?
  • Do you need to remove yourself or private and relief from over stimulating environments and surroundings?
  • Do you get overwhelmed with strong smells, course fabrics, bright lights, noise?
  • Does loud noise make you uncomfortable?
  • Do you avoid violent TV shows and films?
  • Have people described you as shy and an introvert?
  • Are you conscientous?
  • When with people, do you know what needs to be done to make them more comfortable in the surroundings?

Even in that little lot big learnings for yours truly: I cannot stand violence of any sort. I walked out of Reservoir Dogs and a pile of other movies at the cinema, switch off the TV at any violence, crikey I used to hide behind pillows at ER!

Big lights in living spaces, are a serious no no for me. In fact any bright light, loud music, which would explain my refusal to go clubbing in my 20’s. Nature is important to HSP, being outdoors, space, which would explain this.

Certain materials on my skin make be feel sick, too much noise makes me retreat. I can even remember events where I deliberately removed myself out of social gatherings for half an hour, to get some space and return. Empathy, so much empathy it overflows, heck, I’m never done talking about empathy.

The arts are my past, having studied Drama and the Community Arts!

The biggest doubt to all this was I’d label myself an extrovert over introvert. Then in the book Aron states that 30% of HSPs are extroverts. Go figure.

Remember it’s not anything to do with being shy or inhibited, it’s sensory input and how it affects you.

So What, Why Care, Is it Worth You Digging More?

Well think about your career, have you ever experienced working in environment that really did leave you overwhelmed at the end of a day? All those people, no space or respite.

What if you network or attend conferences as part of your business, how do you feel when mingling and meeting so many people? Do you get to the point you just have to get out?

In the book Aron gives excellent advice for HSP on how to cope, manage and live with the overwhelm. So, I wanted to share it with you and I’ll let you decide if it’s useful or not.

I’m digging deeper, could this help someone who has all there life felt as if their was something wrong with them? Maybe.

If this has made sense to you and want to find out more, here’s a few links.

For Elaine Arons website click here

Peter Townsends Hub on Hubpages  – this is a great hub on HSP and he also has a blog here

Here’s a recent article on Psychology Today article on Sense and Sensitivity by Andrea Bartz

And if you just do a Google search on HSP or Highly Sensitive Person, you’ll get returned a pile of sites to check, including a few forums. I haven’t found much negative response, but remember to make up your own mind, stay open and ask your own questions.

Oh, and if you fancy taking the test here’s the link http://www.hsperson.com/test/

 

Your Turn

What do you know about HSP?

Do you know anyone with the diagnosis?

Are you an HSP? Feel free to share below, I’d really love to hear your view, opinion, knowledge or experience on this one. Oh, and if you know any great resources, let me know.

 

Videos to Inspire/Motivate/Make ‘Ya Think (Part 2)

September 15 Dawn

Here’s part 2, click here to see the videos in part 1 and the reason behind the eclectic collection!

Give the page a little time to load because of the videos.

Enjoy!

 

13. Don McMillan: Life After Death by PowerPoint

Time 4:25

This makes me laugh everytime, don’t do it!

14. Nigel Marsh – How To Make Life Balance Work

Time 13:15

Does life/work/balance exist? Should it be balance/life/work?

15. I Am Movie (Official)

Time 2:30

There’s an advert right at the start, give it time to play.

16. A Life Lesson from a Volunteer Fire Fighter – Mark Bezos

Time 4:41

Short and sweet. Very inspiring.

17. Jim Rohn

Time 6:38

Jim Rohn passed away in 2009, but his work is very much available, click here to visit official site.

18. Are You Waiting a Day – Jim Rohn

Time 1:29

Another from J Rohn.

19. Disney Pixar Up – Married Life

Time 4:21

I’m not sure if this is the saddest start to any Disney film, so many messages.

20. Obvious To You Amazing to Others

Time 1:55

Derek Sivers visit his site here.

22. Dare-Change

Time 1:28

Love this…step forward. One step is all it can take to push through fears.

23. Brene Brown – The Power of Vulnerability

Time 20:50

Vulnerability – we all feel it. Visit B Brown here.

24. The Tale of Mere Existence – Procrastination

Time 1:19

Simple and yet very clever.

 

Your Turn: Do you have any favourites? Please feel free to share them in the comments below.

PS: No dodgy links please, they will be deleted.

Videos to Inspire/Motivate! (Part 1)

September 15 Dawn

(Give page a couple of seconds to load — there are 12 videos!)

Okay here’s the first of many for you to watch…

Why such a bizarre collection?

See, I’ve just moved our Facebook page (to visit click here), the old page was filled with lovely links to videos posted over the past 11 months — thought I would pop them all in a couple of blog posts for you.

Now, there isn’t one particular theme, they all complimented a facebook status update at one point. So, if at any stage you think ‘eh, what’s that in here for?’, remember it did make complete sense one day over on the Facebook page!

So in no particular order here you are…

 

1. Where Good Ideas Come From Steven Johnson

Time: 4:07 minutes

Watch out for the idea of the ‘slow hunch’ – sometimes it can take a few years for an idea to come together!

Steven Johnson Website and this book is one I recommend Mind Wide Open: Your Brain and the Neuroscience of Everyday Life

2. The Secret Powers of Time

Time: 10:09 minutes

Are you present? Do you live in the past or the future? Are you future-orientated? Do you trust that it all will work out? Professor Philip Zimbardo conveys how our individual perspectives of time affect our work, health and well-being. Visit website.

3. The Empathic Civilisation

Jeremy Rifkin investigates the evolution of empathy and the profound ways that it has shaped our development and our society.

4. Deepak Chopra The Wonder of You

Time: 1:03 minutes

5. Steve Jobs 2005 Stanford Commencement Address

Time: 15:05 minutes

Mr ex-Apple man. :-)

6. Comedy – Bob Newhart Skit

Time: 6:16 minutes

Oh, if only it were this easy! Maybe it can be? Nah, we’re more complex.

7. Andy Andrews – 50 Parental Sayings

Time: 2:01 minutes

Don’t know about you but I heard them all growing up – this is a funny.

8. The World Is Stuck What Are You Waiting For?

Time: 2:41 minutes

One of my favs. It’s such a great metaphor of how we stay stuck and wait for someone to rescue us! Options all around.

9. A Life Story In Five Chapters – Gary Ryan Blair

Time: 1:44 minutes

If we do the same things over and over…

10. Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn

Time: 72 minutes

Visit website here.

11. Maya Angelou – And Still I Rise

Time: 2.52 minutes

Sit back and enjoy.

12. It’s A Wonderful Life – The Ending

Time: 5.56 minutes

Yeah, so this one was posted on the page at Crimbo. Enjoy!

Want more? Click here to see Part 2

Feel free to add your favourites in the comments below.

Pigging Out at The Social Media Smorgasbord – Time to Diet?

August 8 Dawn

It’s a Bargain! All You Can Eat For…

How did you choose what was going on your Social Media menu?

Did you take the ‘I’ll just dive in’ path (like the folks who run towards a buffet thinking they’re never going to eat again), consuming all that’s available, as quickly as possible?

Did you head into using social networking, before plunging into answering ‘why am I using social media‘?

What have you piled on your virtual plate?

  • A bit of Twitter?
  • Chunk of Facebook?
  • Slice of Google+, just to try it?
  • Squeezing in social bookmarking?
  • Found a small space for forums (they do still exist)?
  • Nibbling away on LinkedIn?
  • Pinterest made it to your plate?
  • Morsels of blogging, photo sharing, YouTube?
  • And that’s just the first helping…

Once you got that all balanced sky high, did you then add the sizzling hot new tools available that you’ve never tasted before, trying to cram them on top of what’s already looking a little precarious?

Uneven. Wobbly. Balancing act. Going to land on the floor any minute.

Your social networking – have you managed to maintain them all?

Or

Do you miss a one week, then pick up the next? Leave it for months, then dive in for a few days, get busy, and then leave again. Do you read posts such as ‘200 New Social Media Tools to Use for Your Business’ and then try to apply at least half in the space of an afternoon?

Are you that hungry?

The Social Media Smorgasbord

(I know, I could’ve used ‘buffet’, but Smorgasbord sounded far snazzier)

Would you look at it…

Have you had a chance to actually enjoy the meal?

Have you been too busy devouring and absorbing the tools to actually stop, sit down and share?

‘They’ say a meal is best enjoyed in the company of others. Have you sat down at the virtual table?

(Assuming you aren’t ‘collecting’ people, just so they can be at your social media party. No, sorry, collecting 5,000 ‘friends’ on Facebook or 7,000 Twitter followers does not mean it’s going to be a great event!)

Pigging Out

A few months ago now, I realised I’d overdone it. I knew I should not have had that last portion of ‘please confirm your email subscription’.

I’d been too busy up at the social media buffet table trying to figure out what would satisfy my appetite and fulfil my needs: tasting and adding whatever new ‘dish’ was being produced, stuffing my face, without actually stepping back and trying to manage what I already had on my plate.

Time for a diet. Detox. Colonic Flush Thing.

Introducing the Social Media Diet

Basically, it’s simple

Do more of what works, less of what doesn’t.

Here’s the diet sheet:

Weigh In First: explore where you’re at, you’re skills, what you need, the ‘why’, what you can manage.

Quit The Binging and Gorging — you’re a solo business owner, you don’t need to use all the tools, or jump on the next new dish. Eat only what you can physically consume (time and money).

Know When You’re Sufficiently Full — as a solo business owner, do you really need to be the leader in social media? Unless of course you work in social media, then you do.

Seriously, what are you, the New York Times? Reuters?

When you’re full.

Stop.

Digest what you’ve taken in. Then move on to the next course.

Social Media Isn’t Free — it may appear that way, it’s not. It costs you time and money. Just spend it wisely, that’s all I’m saying.

Oh, remember social networking and social media are as different as night and day.

Huh?

Explain?

Okay, let’s assume you’re a local restaurant owner and you’re using social networking tools as part of your social media marketing. Let’s use Facebook for the example, you post:

  • You say ‘Just heading out for a meal‘. Great, people know you are going out for a meal. Networking, sure. Closed conversation though.
  • You may say ‘Just heading out for a meal, can anyone recommend a good restaurant‘. Networking, displaying you’re interested, encouraging conversation.
  • You could say ‘Just heading out for a meal, anyone know a great restaurant, what’s their website address so I can check it out?‘. Networking, conversation, sharing, interest, open conversation.
  • You could say ‘Just heading out for meal, what’s your favourite restaurant, any dishes you’d like to see on our menu?‘ Networking, conversation, sharing, listening, asking for feedback. (You could then go on and add it to the menu, for one night only, offering 50% off for the people who commented on the post!)

Size of The Meal — just remember you work alone, chances are you don’t have a marketing department! You are the department. Use what works. Choose the meal that has all the portions that fit your business.

Join The Table — have the conversations, connect, listen, share.

Photo Credit: Emilie Ogez (thank you)

PS: This is the stuff that makes me giggle. Making sure I had spelt ‘colonic’ correctly, I checked, and in the adverts this:

How To Create a Website for Your Little Biz

August 5 Dawn

This is part one in a series of posts for new solo business owners with ‘people helping’ businesses (or soon to be mavens) who want a website, but you’re stumped at where to start, because you aren’t (like me) a techie, designer or developer, and you don’t have the ‘money tree’ rooted in your back garden to spend on a fancy pants website.

(Or you’ve started and it needs to be salvaged, chill, you can have my back from carnage website nightmare stories, as we go.)

That means, if your website is all dandy, hunky-dory and top notch away and do something else today, and I’ll see you soon.

Oh, wait, before you zip away if you fancy helping and if you have a good ‘first website’ piece of advice or blood-curdling horror story, are you able leave a comment?

Right.

Now, we’re alone.

Your website.

I’m sure the people that are breaking their nails, scrolling down to leave a comment, know full well the angst a first website can be. It doesn’t have to be though.

Angst-y that is.

This is not going to be just a series of ‘techie’ workshops (but I will give you links to the ‘how to’ stuff and some cool people who are doing that), this is me, a solo business owner like you, who lived with a bump and bruise from slapping her forehead because her website sucked and didn’t know nada on how to fix it, and then what I did (long story) to turn it around.

You don’t have to make the same errors and whoopsies.

Yeah! Good news! Right…

Let’s Set The Scene…

…as this is the first in the series, you’ll get a longer intro.

Like the majority of solo business owners starting out, you probably have a budget.

So, you want to spend it wisely, yes?

You know you need a website, who do you trust? Where do you start? What needs to be in place for it to work?

  • You may be on the ‘first build’, trying the D-I-Y approach to save some pennies, nothing wrong with that, but how long have you been at it? Seriously. That long?
  • Or, you may have given the task to someone else, you’ve got the reins back again, and now you don’t have a clue with what to do with it. Sucks, huh?
  • You have a case of the ‘I’m online, everything will happen now’ touch of the airy fairies You thought you just needed to build a website and everyone would come flooding to your virtual doors. Mmm, ach, loads think that, you aren’t alone.
  • You may have built your site a while back, and you aren’t seeing any results. But you did have a plan didn’t you?

No plan?

Nothing?

Nada?

Not even a wee bit of scrap paper, a rough outline? Or an idea of what you actually would like your website to do?

Oh.

You don’t have a ‘freebie’ site, do you? You do. Okay.

Panic ye not, these posts will help you understand what’s needed on your website, to help you build your business.

Websites and Marketing Online My 2 Cents

They are ‘tuff work. Get prepared. (Only ‘tuff, because of the learning and applying, we don’t know, what we don’t know!)

They ‘ain’t easy. Sure, you could throw up a few pages to be ‘online’, but ‘being on online’ generally isn’t enough.

You actually have to make your website work.

And to make that work, you need to get your head around a few things. And then when you’ve done that, you need to get your head round a few more things, then a few more…and on it goes.

These posts are going to be a toe dip (should that be toe dip? Anyway…), an introduction, a fleet around the website world and internet marketing.

You’ll cover a little bit of copywriting (what to say on your site, and how to say it, actually Copywriting is much more than that, but let’s go easy, for now), how to engage people (without looking like a sleazy artist), a little of that SEO malarkey (yep, look you need a wee bit), a drop of design stuff, social media bits and bobs, planning and how to use your website to build your business.

Here’s why…

My very first business website rocked. It also flopped. Big Time!

 

The Rocking: It was huge, really flashy, cost a fortune, pictures were amazing, had a wonderful layout and navigation, looked awesome and it had the feeling that behind it was a team of a thousand minds, creating and writing personal development courses, when in fact, it was just me.

The Flopping: Over the year it was live, 10 inquiries (no list then).

Actually, I mustn’t lie to you, it was only 9, as one was my mum, asking if I was popping out for tea one day as she had Quorn in the fridge and it ‘needed to be eaten as she couldn’t refreeze it’. O, and one was me to make sure the contact form worked. 8 then.

3k for that!

It wasn’t the designers fault, only my mistake (but it’s not going to be yours.)

Why?

Because I was clueless about websites and really didn’t know what to do with it once it was built.

I let the designer lead me, I didn’t take the time (which would have saved me a fortune) to really research what goes into a website that works. (Oh, this isn’t going to be a pile of hate mail posts to designers! I love designers! Mostly.)

I can pinpoint: with hindsight a lot of mistakes that were made, but I’ll focus in on three for you today, it may look like an ‘odd’ three to start with.

But stay with me, I have my reasons for going with these ones first. It will all become clear as you go.

Mistake 1. Where’s The Human Being

There is the very old marketing phrase ‘people buy from people’. That’s true no matter what business you’re in.

However many think their website is not the place to display ‘hey I’m/we’re human too!‘ They then churn out page upon page of boring, meaningless and unemotional pile of heehaw.

And it’s rife. Solo business owners do it, all the way up to the large corporations.

An example of a website not focused on a customer.

An example: “the most successful businesses are intuitive and strategic, articulate and measureable. XY Ltd is strategy, integrating planning and business information, seamlessly. XY Ltd executes and delivers results by accelerating the strategy. We deliver with impact, drive initiatives and capability”

Urgh!

No one talks like that in my life, yours?

Worse, are the ‘we are so smart and highly intelligent look at the words we have used here to impress you, we are the experts‘ type of pages.

Bore.

Bore.

Snore.

Or, the ‘Welcome, my name is Blah, we are based in Blah, here’s all about me, more about me, me, mini me, I have 10 years experience in blah. I trained with blah. I do blah really well. At blah, I have been blahing, for blah many years, and blah is what I do best. To buy blah just blah your details‘.

People Are Emotional

Not knowing diddly squat, that was how I created my first website, no emotion and plenty blah de blah-ing.

It’s painful to read, worse, it’s painful to write.

Neither wonder most folks struggle when it comes to writing content.

Your customers (people that breathe!) are driven by their emotions, they want to know that the person (that’s you) behind the website gets their pains and frustrations, hopes, dreams, fears, that you’re talking to them, and them alone.

That means, your website really isn’t about you, it’s about what you do for the person reading your site, and telling them how wonderful you are, doesn’t make it so.

How do you achieve this?

Study Copywriting

A great little introductory book I’d recommend is Write to Sell by Andy Marsden – it’s a good starting point if you haven’t been exposed to copywriting before. It’s not actually all about selling, the books really great at helping you focus on what you do, you know, the why, and the way it’s written leads you to think that you are actually your customer.

Write your pages, as if you were talking to one person, talk to them through you’re writing (or video.)

Basically, forget everything that you were taught at school in your English class when writing your content.

WHAT!

I know. Seriously, do the exact opposite.

Write So a 12 Year Old Understands Your Message

Your message being, your understand the people that you serve (you do, don’t you?), and how you can help them solve problems.

Another idea, check your website readability. The Flesch-Kincaid readability test was designed to say whether a piece of text was easy or difficult to read. On the web, for your human customers, it should be easily read. If a 12 years old can understand it, you’re on the right track.

(That’s not write to a 12 year old, write so a 12 year old gets it!)

If you need a tool try these: Juicy Studio, Using English or Words Count or there’s Perry Marshalls readability tool (wait for the pop up to disappear) although his newsletter (esp if you want to read great copy) is one to sign up for – that’s just my opinion, he is a great storyteller.

Or, use the Microsoft Word tool, if you have it. It’s inbuilt.

The higher the score the better.

(In a later posts, I’ll give you a list of sites to look at for folks that are doing this really well, jealous, moi, never.)

Mistake No 2. No Email Capture Form or a Reason to Come Back Again

Simply, my mistake was there was nothing like the sign up box on the right.

Oh, can I just say in my defence :-) that once I did learn a little, and knew that I needed one of those things above (optin form, it’s called), I couldn’t actually add it.

Why?

Because any changes I needed to make to the website I had to go through the designer (£££££!!!!!), so here’s another whoopsie to avoid (important): own your domain, own your site, own your hosting but I’ll go into that more in another post, seriously, six weeks I waited for an update. SIX weeks!

(Oh, and a ‘free’ site is not your domain, nor your hosting and you don’t own your site! We’ll talk about the pros and cons of free later.)

Remember people that come to your site have a problem, they need something, and they will ‘shop’ around. If you’ve done a great job of getting someone to visit your site, give them a jolly good reason to hear from you again.

You can do this by capturing your email address. Ethically.

(No spam, no shenanigans, respect privacy, say what you will do with the address.)

Here’s How That Works Online

A real life example: imagine you were out looking for a new pair of shoes.

You find a pair in the first shop you visit.

But let’s assume the sales assistants were ‘off’ with you, that the shop was badly laid out, they ‘snuffed’ you a little, you felt as you being in the shop was a major hassle to them, that you were putting them out, you left with a bitter taste and didn’t have a pleasant experience.

(Translate Above Online: a badly laid out website, everything all over the place, all about you, not about your customers, no clear navigation, no benefits of how you solve a problem, crappy fonts, funny colours, pictures out of focus, it’s like you entered the Twilight Zone, you want to get out of there quick.)

So you shop around. The second shop you enter has a great sale 25% off, but again they treat you like the first shop. They really do try and sell to you, making you feel awkward.

(Translate Above Online: trying to make the sale at first point of contact, getting someone to buy without them knowing you, your service, your product, the way you work. That tactic may not work unless, say, your Amazon!)

However, the third shop you enter is different. The sales assistant says ‘if you need help, I’m here, if you see anything you like we have a special reduction sale on today but I’ll leave you to browse in peace‘.

Curious, they have you curious.

Special? What special? How much special? So you ask, they tell you that it’s 20% off day, however coming up is a half price sale starting in three days, if you aren’t in an urgent need, they can put them aside for you.

(Translate Above Online: think of the websites you go back to time and time again. Are the helpful, easy to navigate, friendly, about you, do they give you the opportunity to ‘hear more’ or sign up for special offers, information, do they make it easy for people, are they real, genuine, do they actually want to help?)

Give people a reason and experience to come back again.

Add an email capture form to your website today if you don’t already have one. Try Mailchimp or Aweber.

Mistake No 3. The Bare Bones, No Meat, Sizzle or Useful Stuff That People Can Use

Without a doubt my first website had the: we’re experts, what we do, who we are, about us, contact us, how to buy us.

See the problem?

We and Us.

(Worse, it was just me! I used ‘we’ to appear bigger! Hard lesson. Be proud of the fact you’re solo, sure you don’t have to do it all alone, but don’t think that alone means not good enough.)

Use the word you.<——-IMPORTANT! Really Mega!

So it becomes: here’s what we do for you, here’s why we’re like you, how we can help you, how you can reach us, how you can get what we offer.

Basic, but a better start.

An astounding website would be a place where you can give people what they need, without having to pay for it.

WHAT!

That means showing people how to get the results they are after. And a blog is perfect for this, no matter what business you’re in. But we’ll get to blogging later in another series, let’s get the meat on the bare bones first.

You see, the biggest mistake I made with website number one, was thinking that I needed to create pages that told people what I did or (shame) sell them what I offered, so very wrong.

I swear I must have had about 40 pages of different types of courses they could buy — nothing to help them, just guff.

Basically, don’t do pages of guff. Guffing is out. Guffing is hard.

Want an example, okay, let’s say you have childblains, sorry children, and they’re on their school holidays. You’re going mad stuck about what to do with them, you want to spend time doing things at home for a week, but you don’t have many ideas on how to keep them entertained and you’re money is tight.

So you look online and you search for ‘things to do with your children at home’ or ‘activities for children on school holidays on a budget‘.

The first sites you visit are links to books, and things to buy. Then you end up on a site that has page upon page of really cool ideas, articles, links to other sites, freebies, a weekly newsletter and so on. It’s full of great information and ideas, and they are just giving it away to you.

What site will be the one you revisit? What site would you remember, when you have a little to spend?

Why does this approach frighten the bejeepers creepers out of most solo business owners?

Because they think that by giving information away people won’t need what they offer.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Since I added the free confidence course to my site, it’s not only helped others, it’s helped me (thank you people who have signed up for it). People talk to you, they do get in touch, they ask for further help, the make comments, they tell you what’s goof and naff, they say what they liked (so you can do more of that), it’s a way of connecting.

It builds trust, you could be serving and making a difference now – if they do want to more, they’ll come back, if you give them (with no strings attached you hear me) a great experience first.

Are you thinking this won’t work in my business?

Again a myth. Every business owner has something that someone else needs (otherwise they don’t have a business!)

Not sure? Stick around.

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What lessons did you learn from your first website? Not built your website? What challenges are you facing?

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On The Loss of a Pet. Dear You, I’ve Wanted to Write This for Such a Long Time

August 1 Dawn

I know, the title doesn’t belong in here. Maybe not at first glance.

To be really honest it’s been in my head for about a year, and then sitting in my drafts for about a month, and it’s almost been deleted a couple of times. I know the ‘blogging’ rules:  don’t talk about death, ah well.

But just today I learned that a friend had to put their cat to sleep after 19 years together.

So, this is for you and them.

(Started 4th July)

I’ve a real urge to write this today. Sometimes when I sit down to write the mind hooks on a thought and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I’m not sure if it’s after a conversation on Facebook the other evening about a pet therapy dog called Dexter.

Or because a friend has been told by their vet ‘it may be time to start thinking about what’s really best for…’, in other words: it’s time for you to make that so-called humane but completely inhuman decision about your dogs life.

Maybe it was the guy I spoke to, just a stranger, out walking his new puppy last night who started crying whilst explaining he needed another dog as he went to pieces, losing his best friend in the world two months ago.

Perhaps the truth is it’s nearly two years to the day when I lost Maya and I’m just plain old feeling it. And for some reason all these little events are happening, who knows, does it matter?

That Which I Feared, Is Now Upon Me

Even as I write this I’ll cry and new doggie may glance at me and adopt the, ‘Here we go again, Maya this, Maya that‘ look, and I’ll put aside the thoughts that at some point I’m going to visit this experience again at least five times in the future.

One of my biggest fears was the day when Maya would no longer be in my life.

Out of all of lives fears, that was mine. I don’t know about you, but I would shake my head when the thoughts popped up and shivered telling myself not to go there.

Lesson: Life is weird, it always presents us with what we fear most at somepoint huh?

Nothing prepared me for the loss.

Nothing.

The pain was excruciating, unbearable, it ripped at my core.

That may sound dramatic. I know that.

Maybe it doesn’t to you? Maybe that’s why I’m writing this, I keep saying pet bereavement is so misunderstood, it is, really, it is.

So, this is not a here’s what you must do and this is how you are going to feel at different stages speech.

See, I didn’t cope well.

Look what I ‘do’ for a living, I’m supposed to cope well. I didn’t eat properly for a month and I didn’t sleep a full night for at least two. I would wake up, go outside and just sob. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t understand why the whole world wasn’t as upset, bothered or cared as much.

I couldn’t understand why they didn’t see her life as valuable like what I did.

I didn’t understand why the people closest to me would assume me to be ‘okay’ after a couple of weeks.

But they didn’t live with her for 13 and half years, 24/7.

Oh She Had a Good Life

When Maya passed away I was delivered, perhaps like you, the oh she had a good life, she lasted well, it’s not the same as a human bereavement, that is much worse and other standard one liners.

Today, I’ll still question that if you don’t mind. Here’s why…

If there is anything my line of work has taught me is I can’t judge or pass comment on what one person puts more value on than another. I just don’t have that right. Nobody does.

If people are saying these things to you, forgive them.

They are usually delivered because they don’t know what to say. Many people can’t cope at times of human bereavement and they may not even begin understand why losing a pet carries the same grief.  Forgive them.

They probably never will understand. That’s not blaming them or judging them.You need to grieve, not worry about the opinions of others.

But there are people that you can surround yourself with, which I didn’t know of at the time (see the end of the post) who will understand your pain and loss.

Personally, losing Maya was worse than any human bereavement I have experienced.

That’s really difficult to write and admit, because I know some may read it and think that a) I have never lost a human being close to me, which I have and b) that I can’t compare the loss of a pet with the loss of human.

It’s just my truth.

You may feel that same guilt, about not feeling the same way towards a human loss as you do your pet. I’m, kind of, smiling. Let’s face it, there aren’t many humans in our life who’ll never grumble at being in our company 24/7, or that we give them permission to sit at the end of the bath, while we’re in it, watching us soap up.

There aren’t many two legged beings, which will dive on us as soon as we enter a room, leave a room or just sit in a room.

Not many humans will instantly spot danger and growl to warn us, lick away tears or miss us, even for a minute.

So forgive yourself.

Give yourself permission to grieve over the loss, and there is no comparison between human and animal bereavement, a pet passing triggers the same feelings as human, the cause is different, the emotional responses aren’t.

If it’s stronger for your pet, then so it is.

Funny, I used the word ‘passing’, it’s such a gentle word huh?

It gives the picture and visual of moving gentle along, like swans on midnight moonlit lakes or passing clouds, drifting in and out, silently. And yet we both know different, the words that are used generally aren’t gentle when it comes to a pet and their death, they are awful. And perhaps that’s where the misunderstanding begins, there are no emotions attached to these words.

Put to sleep. Euthanasia. Lay Down. Put Out its Suffering and Misery. Destroyed.

Maya died at home, in my lap, 3.am on a Monday morning. There was no one else around except the other animals in the household. From the time I noticed she wasn’t herself until that morning was 5 days.

She got tired.

It was her heart.

She started to lie down in strange places, knowing she wasn’t ‘herself’, I took her to the vets and they told me her heart was beating 5 times as fast as it should, leave her for x-rays.

Picking her up they said ‘she has heart failure‘. They didn’t say how long she had, whether she would get better, they said leave her a week and bring her back in. (I think a little anger still resides there!)

Sunday, she deteriorated, so fast. Call to the emergency vet, and I was told to up her drugs. She picked up.

Then at 2am, I was sitting with her on my knee in the garden, begging her to get better but she was exhausted.

It was just time.

I made the decision to ask the vet to come to the house and give the jags with the lethal barbiturates that would ultimately stop her heart beating, I was going to kill my dog.

Yes, I know some may say it’s ‘the gift we can give our pets’…

Yes, the logical part of my brain got that, my emotional brain didn’t.

Coping With Unnatural Decisions

I’m sure we all wish and hope that our pets will pass away in their sleep, that the choice will be theirs, not ours.

Just gently drifting off, but the reality is usually very different. I don’t know about you but I battled and fought like crazy, to do everything to prolong a life, so that they could be in mine just a little longer.

Coming to the decision is incredibly painful, and confusing, we know as human being ‘taking another’s life’ is just plain wrong, we’re taught that from a very young age.

I know that teaching refers to another human beings life, however when it comes to our pets, it can feel like we are ‘taking it’. It’s unnatural. It’s not an everyday choice or decision.

If you had to, or have to make that choice, know that. It is not natural. What you did, or sadly have to do is not a choice we make every day in life, it’s very rare.  You have no point of reference. You won’t know what to feel.

Maya had other plans. She went in her own time. She didn’t wait for the vet.

Like we will do at the end, she lost all control of her bodily functions, as I held her, us both covered in her urine, sick and excrement, she looked at me and gasped, exhaled, eyes still fixed, and exhaled again for a long time, for the last time.

In that moment, there was no pain or fear.

She went. Her body remained. But she was gone.

The pain begins…

Was she in pain? Did she suffer? Did I do the right thing? Why did I not call the vet sooner?

So much guilt. And the guilt is all part of the process of grief.

Then…why just 5 days? Did the vets make a mistake? Who can I blame? Why didn’t I see anything sooner.

So much anger. And that too is part of the process.

When’s The Right Time to Let Go?

You’ll know.

With every fibre of my being, I promise you’ll know. And it won’t be your decision. Your pet will ‘tell’ you. For non-pet owners (if you’re still here), that may be hard to understand. It’s not a sixth sense or strange phenomenon.

Those 5 days before Maya died I was like a mad woman, determined that I would do everything to make her better. Phone calls to specialists, visits to vet hospitals, research into her condition, second opinions, emails to America asking for advice from the ‘top’ cardiac vets.

She was going to get better. It wasn’t her time, but the truth was it wasn’t my time; I wasn’t ready to let her go.

Helpless, would be the word I would use.

She got worse and there was nothing I could do, I had no power or control over what was happening, nothing was preventing the inevitable.

Coping With the Pain Today

The last thing I’m going to say to you is ‘time is a healer’ or ‘it’ll get better’.

When you lose a pet, or any form of grieving, time doesn’t play out as it usually does. 

It’ll get better, it might, but again what gives anybody any right to say this is how it’s going to be for you in the future?

I know I only have my own personal experience, however for me (and I know now, many others) the loss is made worse by the misunderstanding.

The pain is raw.

It hurts, bad.

In the initial days and weeks, it roots itself deep. It ‘feels’ like life will never ever be the same again.

And that is true, it won’t. It will be different.

Any permanent goodbye is going to change your life. Any goodbye where you played a part will change you.

Even when a two legged being passes, the support is generally available.

Not everyone you know will have met your pet. So you may not know what to do with the grief and pain.

Does the Pain Go?

Ah, have you heard of the Stages of Grief, psychotherapist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying, she proposed there were five stages:

Denial – (my crazed moments, this can’t be happening)

Anger – (why now, how can it be 5 days etc)

Bargaining – (I’ll give anything to have her live 5 more years)

Depression – (days not eating, not sleeping)

Acceptance – (I can write here now about Maya)

Here’s my addition:

Time, ignore it; time only exists because we have clocks. Grieve hard. Allow it to go through all the stages, in your own time.

For me, I prefer to think of the stages as a circle. There are some days when the memories occur, or something triggers an emotion and before I know I’m having a sob. It’s only because I miss her, missing your pet is allowed. Today, tomorrow, 10, 20 years from now.

Think About Everything in Your Life Where Your Pet Was Attached

I miss her because Maya and I shared our lives for 13 and half years, she was the constant in my life.

She was ‘there’ during homelessness, the loss of grandparents, shitty relationships, breakups. I was 25 when she arrived, and 38 when she died.

I didn’t think twice about the 4k pet bill to fix her legs.

She was a pet therapy dog, there for others when their end was near. She came to work with me, she only needed to sit next to someone for two minutes before they were leaning in to her taking what they needed.

She was a only a dog. But she was my dog.

Through this bloody awful time I learnt a huge lesson about living:

  • It’s short.
  • There are times when the external world will leave us helpless, with no control, no power.
  • We can’t change events that are inevitable.
  • We can’t change the minds of people who don’t want to change their minds.
  • That what we fear most usually has to be faced at somepoint.
  • There are lessons in the worst moments.
  • There are moments, when ‘life on our terms’ is not possible.

 

Please leave with one thing, all around the world there are people who know the pain you are feeling.

They can’t help you with yours. They know it’s personal.

We know you’ll have to find your own way.

We won’t rush you.

We won’t talk about rainbow bridges or running free, we know they sound good, we secretly hope that they are real, we just want you to know that your pet mattered to us.

Okay?

Please feel free to share below

 


If you need to reach out (no matter how long ago it was) here’s a few links:

Association for Pet Loss and Animal Bereavement, they also have a Facebook page.

In the UK there is the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Support, Animal Samaritans Pet Bereavement Support and EASE for support during anticipated pet loss.

Books: Wallace Sife The Loss of a Pet

 

 

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