I know someone who creates a drama out everything that doesn’t go her way.
She thrives on creating ‘a scene’ and doesn’t stop until someone is paying full attention to her, and only her needs.
Maybe you know someone just like her? At work or in your personal life.
I’ve witnessed this person leave others utterly speechless with their emotional explosions, and sometimes it’s not noise and mayhem she creates, she can change the mood of a room, and even a party, with her coldness and silence.
In the past I’ve had to mentally prepare myself before I made a visit to her home: just in case the day I picked a drama was occurring, brewing or had just passed.
Remove them from my life?
No, I love them, it’s only a behaviour I don’t like. They do have some wonderful other qualities.
- When someone is continually sucking you into their life drama, how can you stay apart from it and still be there for them?
- How can you care and not allow someone else’s drama to become yours?
- How can you create a safe relationship where both sides are equal, even if one person doesn’t think the needs of the other are important?
- Can we?
Here’s my thoughts:
I think we can. But I also know (from the experience above) that we also need to protect and respect ourselves. Because maybe one day the drama will stop. I’m a big girl, I wish they valued another’s needs like they do their own, but for now they don’t.
#1 Stay off the Stage
The drama queens and kings like nothing better than to include people in their performance. You don’t have to take part; you don’t need to step onto that stage with them. Watch from the balcony, as soon as you start paying attention to the drama or the performance, pull yourself back to your seat.
Ask yourself: what can I do to help (not rescue) this person right now? Then do it. That may include walking away.
Ask yourself: what are they getting from this drama? Are they trying to tell me something that they can’t manage right now?
Ask yourself: what do I need right now? And do it. Nothing states anywhere you have to watch.
#2 Remember It’s Not Your Show
I’ll admit it’s difficult watching and listening to my friend going through the ‘dramas’, there’s a part of me that thinks ‘why do you do this to yourself?’ I know the answer: they are getting something from it. Play it cool. Don’t fuel their emotions with your own.
Whatever their reasons (which they will have) know it’s not your play, it’s not your story.
Be honest with the review. If you don’t like a behaviour say so, you can do this and still respect the other person. You could try:
“When (insert the behaviour) it makes me feel (insert the feeling), I would prefer it if you would (insert the desired behaviour).
Of course, they don’t have to listen. But if they don’t, that says a lot more.
#3 Bring Down The Curtain – Boundaries
All relationships have boundaries.
And these boundaries will be a different person to person. If you were a coach you would have fixed boundaries: the lines you never cross. Can friendships have the same? I think so.
Another friend of mine is always late. Not once in 16 years, they have never been on time, ever.
We do laugh at the time she traveled the world for a year and missed the last flight back to Edinburgh from London. We have boundaries now, the wait will be no more than half an hour. Give her time to be who she is, and us both a cut off point.
Boundaries keep you safe. So before an interaction with the dramatist:
- Protect yourself for each interaction. Know what you will tolerate, and what you won’t. In coaching we agree times, perhaps you agree with the drama queen a ‘free reign’ of time, and that’s it?
- Do what’s in your best interest and theirs. If you can’t listen, say so. If you need to create some space, create it.
- Tell them what you will and won’t tolerate. And then know what you will do if it’s crossed. And stick to it.
Your Turn
I asked the same question on Facebook: some would ignore, but what about you how do you deal with people who create a drama out of everything? Do you?
Great post Dawn!
For me how I deal with drama kings and queens depends very much on who they are and how much I love them!
I’m a very straightforward person but very fair (at least I think so!) and I’m happy to be an ear and a shoulder as long as there is a certain amount of balance.
But it can be very difficult … If I am caught on a certain day or two of the month I may not be quite so easy going!
Hey Gemma, thanks for commenting. Do you mean a couple of days a month you’re a princes?!! xx
Dawn, I’ve written about this many times, and offer very in-depth tutorials on how to change draining relationships.
In fact, I just finished coaching a girl who’s “drama queen” was her *mate*.
Pretty dicey, but solutions are available.
In my experience, often the most *loving* thing, when we do it, appears the most *cruel* (for example, taking a step back, taking a break, and temporarily cutting people off.)
Either way, great to hear your story.
Hey Jason, how are you? Many thanks for commenting. Dawn
Dawn
I have a couple of these in my life. I gave up trying to “fix” them a long time ago. They just dont want to be fixed. It’s who they are (or have become) through years of reinforcement. I’m sure I’ve been guilty of feeding the beast along with lots of others in their life.
In the end it is about boundaries, a one way friendship is no fun at all.
Hey Jackie, how are you? And I’m sure I have been a real ‘Queen’ at times, it’s the ex-drama student in me. :-)
I’m from the school of thought that any healthy friendship or partnership must be rooted in mutual benefit.
Lopsidedness will mostly end up with one party feeling resentful, hurt, drained and exhausted at some point.
I’m also a huge advocate of building a strong personal boundary, but I do believe that when you reach that place and have it, there is no longer a need to be around or have the drama in your life. You find that these types of individuals can’t get what they need (your energy and attention) and are less prone to vampire your resources.
Hey Jason, thanks for commenting. I agree, sadly boundaries are hardly ever spoken about in a relationship. Significant others probably, or they eventually do come up. Do you think an ‘energy vampire’ can change their behaviour? I do. Work? You betcha. Later, Dawn
Hi Dawn…
Thanks for sharing. I agree: Boundaries are a huge part of every relationship. When people and relationships start having trouble — it’s usually with boundaries.
At the end of the day; you have to know where the other person stops and you start. We don’t own their emotions or drama. They do.
Thanks Dawn… Eric
Hey Eric, I think that’s the common problem when it comes to personal relationships. Like you I use ‘know where your client ends and you begin’, yet for personal lives, the boundaries are not as fixed and much more fluid, but what do you think? Yes, learning phrases (and using them) such as ‘that’s your ‘stuff’, not mine’ a) helps boundaries and b) drives lover nuts! :-) Later you, Dawn
Hi Dawn,
I have to admit I’d avoid people who are drama queens/kings, but only if they do it all the time and too overtly.
When I spend time with someone who’s sharing the drama of their latest tooth brushing, I try to remind myself constantly that they’re feeling bad and that I don’t have to feel bad because of it.
Like Jackie said, I’ve quit trying to force someone to change. If someone is a perpetual dramatist, I either accept it (with imposed boundaries) or stay away. I was watching this show last night which put it very aptly. You can’t change who a person is just as you can’t change a chair into a table. Accept it or move on.
Hi Dawn,
Yes, you’re right with boundaries because you have to protect yourself. As an extension of that, you can’t go around trying to solve everyone else’s problems. Cruel to kind perhaps, but you can’t end up being engulfed by the rest of the world. You’ll suffocate.
Just on another note, sorry can’t help it, I think you’ve got a typo on point 1, it should be Stay Off The Stage
Hey Mike thanks for the comment. Like it ‘suffocation’, oh yes. The typo — all fixed now :-) You made me laugh, coming from the man who’s website is called ‘Really Good Writing’ I would expect nothing less. :-)