Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

I have a simple philosophy. Empty what’s full. Fill what’s empty. Scratch where it itches. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

The most courageous challenge in life is to be who you are.

It’s a hard challenge.

No kidding.

Perhaps the biggest hurdle is more and more gets in the way.  Life doesn’t get in the way of living. It’s how we are living that can get in the way of life.

We are asked to believe that living is about what we have and what we get.

We are taught well: to fill up on the job, the career, the money in the bank, the car, the home, the holidays, the titles, the successes, the goals, the clothes, what we weigh, where we last ate, our postcode area. To fill up on the external.

I was speaking with someone recently who said, ‘I shouldn’t feel like this. My life is good. I have a great life. But why do I still feel so … I feel empty’. 

Scratch harder peep. Scratch harder.

Let’s talk about ‘shooting yourself in the foot’.

Translation in case it’s a UK-ism.

From the Dictionary of Dawn: ‘going so far with an idea, plan, intention, goal, dream, change, transformation and then stopping or always finding an excuse(s) not to complete what you began because you’re scared, usually an unconscious act because it’s deep rooted in some nonsense beliefs and thoughts you have about a past experience’.

Want examples? Okay, I’ve plenty, I’ve done a lot of shooting.

1. Being really excited about a new job you’ve seen advertised that you know is made for you, so you send away for the application form, complete half of it, the deadline approaches, and then you excuse yourself by thinking, ‘Oh, what’s the point I’ll never get it’.

2. Booking yourself on a local class for 20 weeks in a subject you have always wanted to learn, you pitch up for the first five weeks, it’s harder than you thought it would be and everyone else appears to be more ‘skilled’ than you. On the sixth week you talk yourself out of going.

3. Having spent years retraining for a new career, you decide you need to have a website for your new venture. You build one, and build one, and build one, but you never get round to hitting publish – it’s never quite ready, and then you excuse yourself by thinking, ‘No-one will take you seriously unless it’s perfect’.

4. You have poured your heart and soul into a piece of work, a story that will help others – maybe a project, a blog post, a piece of training you want to share with others – but before you come to tell anyone about it you excuse yourself that you aren’t good enough to share it.

5. You have a new business, you are so excited to get started, when you do you notice others doing the same as you, because they have been at it for years you don’t share your voice, excusing yourself by thinking, ‘I don’t have the right, they are much of an expert than me’.

6. You create, create, create, create, create, create but never ship (words of the writer Seth Godin) – you don’t tell anyone about your creations in case they don’t like them.

7. You spend half your life personally-developinging-yourselfy, and never feel quite ready to live the truth of who you really are, you convince yourself there is something ‘missing’ and when you get that answer then life begins. (Gulp!)

I could go on.

As an ex-foot-shooter myself, here’s a few thoughts around my understanding:

Are we both agreed that foot shooting – the excuses, stepping back, procrastinating, worry what others think, failing, falling, being wrong, not good enough, not expert enough, not quite ready – is fear, yes?

Now, think about this.

Hang onto your panties.

Fear cannot exist in the present, it only exists in the past and the future.

Eh?

Thought. It’s all thoughts. Projection from the past into the future – missing the present.

You know that old cliché ‘life begins at the end of your comfort zone’, allow me change it ‘life has no comfort zones when you quit bringing the past into the present by your thoughts alone and projecting them into your future’.

See, shooting yourself in the foot isn’t a ‘in the now’ thing.

You are shooting because of your past thinking (and thoughts about past experiences comes out into the now as feelings).

“No-one will take you seriously unless it’s perfect.”

That didn’t just come out the blue. You thought it up. Maybe someone laughed at something you created in the past, maybe someone criticised it, maybe someone told you that is was ‘Just not good enough and try harder next time’. Perhaps in the past you weren’t taken seriously and although you can’t remember the event, you can remember the feeling.

‘I don’t have the right, they are an expert compared to me’.

You thought that up too. Maybe you were taught to listen to authority, don’t question, follow the rules … in the past. Or perhaps you were laughed at and belittled when you voiced your opinions in the past. Told not to be silly and stop being a fool. Or heard the ‘do what I say or else’ line from a giant above you.

‘Oh whats the point I’ll never get it’.

How do you know oh fortune teller you? You thought it up. Maybe you haven’t got something you wanted in the past. We all have. But maybe you had attached so much to the outcome of ‘getting it’ and you can’t let go of the let down. Perhaps you’ve had past feelings of being rejected (not wanted) which you don’t want to feel again (shooting self in foot = protection). And hey, and that could have happened in a personal relationship which has spilled into your work life.

Oh, the angst!

Okay, here’s an idea.

The next time you find yourself ‘shooting yourself in the foot’ do this … it’ll challenge you … ready … do nothing.

Nothing?!

Nope. Have you ever tried to focus while at the same time you were shooting your foot? Pushing. Pushing. Pushing. Getting frustrated, disheartened, annoyed at yourself, telling yourself to get a grip?

How on earth can you find peace with those thoughts and feelings? How can you make good decisions when your state of mind is all over the place?

When you become aware of the excuse(s) and reason thoughts (and it could be a string of words in your head) that is doing the shooting, let them get past.

I mean, don’t follow them. Let them come in, let them drift out.

Easy? Um, yes. It’s just thought.

Your thinking is never permanent.

However when it comes to shooting and sabotage we bring up temporary thoughts of the past.

And if you are ‘fearing’ remember the line – fear cannot exist in the present, it only exists in the past and the future – just tell yourself (over and over and over) something like (and pick your own words), ‘Hey me, this is old thinking, move alone’ or ‘Well, hello, past thoughts’ or ‘Recycled garbage’.

In order to feel what you think, you need to give it some energy, you give it energy by focusing on the thinking, let it drift, let the thought bin itself.

You aren’t shooting yourself in the foot, you are living in the past. Got it?

‘Till next time, think well.

Love.

When I was 10, I wanted to be a kick ass police woman. I was going to be a New York Cop working out of Manhattan’s 14th Precinct. My best friends, drinking buddies and workmates were going to be Mary Beth Lacey and Christine Cagney.

I didn’t really know how I was going to tell my Mum and Dad I would be leaving to go and live in the US of A (I live in Scotland), I plucked up the courage and I was completely stunned when they said, ‘Dawn, Cagney and Lacey is just a TV program’.

Feck!

Before that, at age 8/9, I wanted to be a professional Highland Dancer. But the kilt made my thighs itchy. So that didn’t last.

Also around 10 , I thought I wanted to be maid. I asked my folks to treat me as theirs for a weekend. They loved it, I thought it sucked as they took the urine.

At 11, a vet, until the cat (RIP Sooty) died.

At age 12 I planned to cycle from Ireland to Delhi, like the writer Dervla Murphy in her book Full Tilt. Until I failed geography successfully in first year.

At 14 a ballet dancer until I ripped my knee into tiny pieces.

At 15+ an actress.

This career hijacking went on into my late twenties: arts, drama, youth work, support work, training, ‘healing’ therapies, a stint at reiki and reflexology and even a sorry attempt at horticulture (knowing the latin names for plants is ‘kinda cool.) Sound familiar?

I don’t know about you when towering adults above asked me, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up‘, even at age 6 I would always answer with a job title.

That young, I knew, just like you, I was going to have to do something and stick a label to myself, so that others could identify and categorise me with what I got paid for.

Urgh! Urgh!

Not once to I ever remember saying:

I want to be really really happy.

I want to my life to be remarkable.

I want to be free to create.

I want to be healthy.

I want to live long enough.

I want to do stuff that matters.

I want to be masterful at something.

I want to be able to change my mind.

I don’t want to be the one who didn’t have enough time.

I don’t want to be the one who waited and waited.

I don’t want to be identified with a job title.

You?

How young we both were conditioned for the world of work huh?

As children, we are given toys that replicate an adult world: helmets, outfits of uniformed professions, the games and presents – all preparing us for the world of work.

Can I say this? You are not your job. Your career. Your business. Your wage. Your title. Your salary.

You are so much more.

Nothing real can be threatened.  Nothing unreal exists.You are allowed to change.

And you don’t need to explain to another single living soul your reasons for doing so, or ever apologise for choosing another path.

You will wake up.

You’ve probably heard people say that the relationship break up was because, ‘They had changed’, or ‘I had changed’ or, ‘They weren’t the person I married/fell in love with/met, we wanted different things’.

This isn’t a post about special relationships. Well, that’s not really true, it is about the longest relationship you ever going to have, the one with yourself.

Ever wanted to break-up with yourself?

Your old ways.

Your old beliefs.

Your old values.

You’re allowed. Permitted. 100% okay.

Why would you keep to a path that no longer fits who you have become?

You can turn around. Walk away. Make better plans.

You can quit a path. Even the one you planned so long to take.

You can change your path. Walk ones never trodden.

You don’t ever have to stick with something because others expect it from you.

If you’ve changed your mind, the world you cannot do anything but change around you. You’ll be seeing and perceiving it with the new thought, not the old.

You are going to change. You are changing now. You will grow. You will develop. And, yes, you will mature. You will have new experiences that waken you to a new way of living your life.

You can make alterations. You can break up with ideas and plans because they aren’t what you want anymore.

You can tear it apart, rip it up, release it, let it become something else.

You can destroy it. Bin it. Forget about it.

You can torch it, take it a match to it.

Break it open and then close it down.

You are going to shift. You will shatter the old to make way for the new.

It may look like a devastation and a wreck, as you rearrange and put the new way together.

It doesn’t have to look this way, but it normally does.

A period of unrest because of the undoing.

You are allowed to change, and by heck, you are allowed to grow and be happy.

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back– Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

Gothe said that (intelligent bloke with lots of strings to his bow, would be known these days as a Career Scanner on 2023! I will let you Wikipedia him yourself. He was pretty interesting. No more interesting than you or I though).

Let’s break it up.

Let’s talk about trying v’s commitment.

And what happens when (the Providence part, but we can call it something else) you actually commit.

About twenty two years ago I tried to adopt a vegan lifestyle. Failing after about 18 months. Nine years ago I committed myself to living a vegan lifestyle. Still vegan now, stronger than ever.

Difference? I am in. All in. Found the reason for the commitment. In it for the animals. I am the unhealthiest vegan ever!

For about 15 years of my adult life I tried to lose weight, never successfully. In 2003 I committed to losing 8 stone, it worked. But I didn’t commit to maintaining it (goals, you have to follow through, not just to the end result), but I’ve been trying ever since. And try won’t work, commit will.

A few years ago I tried to complete a long distance walk. Never took one step. As soon as I committed to it, well, it got done.

Am I saying trying is no good? No, ‘course not. Often, we have to try first before we commit.

But there is a difference between them both.

What I want to say is for certain goals you have for your life trying isn’t going to get them done. It’s empty. Commitment will get them done. I’ve been there.

As a coach it’s my role to ask people if they are committed to taking action on their goals, and when needed to work through their ambivalence and barriers. I could hear, ‘I’ll try and make it to that new group on Sunday?’ My response could be, ‘Try? I don’t need to know that you will try. Are you committed or not to going?’ 

Some may find this a harsh response.

Think about all the goals you have for your life. Or ideas. One days.

Not just the big ones take a look at the teeny tiny daily ones that you want to commit to: make it to a creative evening class every night for 10 weeks, turn off the computer 2 hours earlier, don’t work weekends, be calmer with the kids, walk 30 minutes each day, get the new shelves up in the bathroom, wash the floors weekly, write daily.

Commit to it. 

With commitment you won’t doubt. You won’t wiggle your way yourself out of something. You won’t put other’s values before your own or come up with some crappy excuse not to do. Commitment is stronger than trying. It makes whatever you are working on your priority. Whatever ‘it’ is.

So, here we are 3 days into 2023.

• I am committed to 2 x 1 hour walks a day. So far so good.
• I am committed to writing everything down. So I can pass my planning along to workmates in case I am hit by a bus!
• I am committed to writing here (whatever here becomes) 365 times in 2023. Not going by the 365 diary days.
• I am committed to family and friends first in 2023. Boundaries peeps, talking boundaries.
• I am committed to not being late or being the last one in the room. That is just sucky!

And you?

What are you committed to? Don’t make it hard or impossible. Just remember when you commit. Providence moves.