Moxie Living: Courage and Confidence

I hate the language of cancer.

There. I’ve said it.

Not the biology. Not the diagnosis.

The language.

The slogans.

The metaphors.

The script we’re all taught to repeat when someone we love is sick.

When my sister was diagnosed, the phrases showed up quickly.

“You’re a fighter.”

“You’ve  got this.”

“Kick it’s ass Julie.”

I know people meant well. But it felt wrong. To me. Julie and I spoke about it. Often.

She didn’t always feel like a warrior.

She wasn’t always going into battle.

She was going to the hospital.

She was lying still for scans.

She was being pricked by needles, in veins that always collapsed!

She was taking drugs that were horrendous.

She was telling those she loved wholeheartedly it was months, not years she had left to live. Fuck!

She hated her body after the surgery. She was constantly tired. She was throwing up from the treatment meant to save her.

She was afraid.

She was real.

“You’ve got this” — how do you say that to someone whose body is betraying them? What the feck does that even mean?

What if she knew she didn’t “have this”? Did that make her a failure?

People said she was a warrior, but she wasn’t in a fair fight, she had no ammunition, nothing to throw back.

“You’ll kick its ass” turned her illness into a fight scene — like it was just a matter of determination.

But she was already determined. She was already enduring more than most people could understand.

This wasn’t a matter of grit.

This wasn’t a competition.

And she didn’t lose.

She died.

Not because she didn’t try hard enough. WTF! Not because she wasn’t positive. Not because she wasn’t loved or brave or “strong.”

She died because cancer does that. It kills people. Or, more likely, the complications do.

And still — the language won’t stop. Edit: I have not a clue about the ‘real’ language. But surely it can’t be this?

It makes people into warriors and martyrs and mascots.

It pushes grief into metaphors.

It tidies pain into slogans.

But my sister wasn’t a story.

She wasn’t a campaign.

She was my sister. She was also a daughter, a wife and a mother and nannie.

And I miss her. We all do. Beyond explanation.

So yes — I hate the language of cancer.

Because it often fails the people it’s trying to support.

Because it keeps things comfortable for everyone else.

Because it expects the sick to reassure us.

But if I’m going to say anything — Let it be to the people still here.

To those living with cancer, or with any life-limiting illness:

I won’t call you a fighter unless you do.

I won’t tell you to stay positive.

I won’t say you’ve got this.

What I will say is:

I see you.

I see you navigating the unknown.

I see you showing up anyway — even if that means just opening your eyes.

I see you carrying more than words can express.

You don’t have to be brave all the time.

You don’t have to be anyone’s fucking inspiration.

You don’t have to pretend this isn’t hard.

You are a person.

You are allowed to be angry, afraid, numb, or full of life — all in the same minute.

You are allowed to not want to talk.

To scream.

To laugh.

To rest.

You are not a metaphor.

You are not a battle.

You are not a failure.

You are here.

And that is enough.

And I am sorry.

I’m sorry for the words that miss the mark.

I’m sorry for the silence that follows when people don’t know what to say.

I’m sorry for the cheerleading when all you needed was someone to say, “Yeah. This sucks. I’m not going anywhere.”

I’m sorry that love can’t fix it. For that…I am sorry. I wish, I so wish. x

I’m sorry that medicine can’t always save you.

But I will not look away.

I will not pretend.

I will not speak over your truth.

You matter.

Your life matters.

Your voice matters.

My sister mattered.

She still does.

And so do you.

End. I just hate the language of cancer. Don’t get me started on the ‘cancer journey’ stuff! Actually, I need to sort my thinking out there. I dunno! My grief is recent. I reserve the right to edit and amend! :-)

Julie Ann Nicholson 1969 -2025

And if I am alone in my thinking. So be it. Am I? x

I have a simple philosophy. Empty what’s full. Fill what’s empty. Scratch where it itches. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

The most courageous challenge in life is to be who you are.

It’s a hard challenge.

No kidding.

Perhaps the biggest hurdle is more and more gets in the way.  Life doesn’t get in the way of living. It’s how we are living that can get in the way of life.

We are asked to believe that living is about what we have and what we get.

We are taught well: to fill up on the job, the career, the money in the bank, the car, the home, the holidays, the titles, the successes, the goals, the clothes, what we weigh, where we last ate, our postcode area. To fill up on the external.

I was speaking with someone recently who said, ‘I shouldn’t feel like this. My life is good. I have a great life. But why do I still feel so … I feel empty’. 

Scratch harder peep. Scratch harder.

Let’s talk about ‘shooting yourself in the foot’.

Translation in case it’s a UK-ism.

From the Dictionary of Dawn: ‘going so far with an idea, plan, intention, goal, dream, change, transformation and then stopping or always finding an excuse(s) not to complete what you began because you’re scared, usually an unconscious act because it’s deep rooted in some nonsense beliefs and thoughts you have about a past experience’.

Want examples? Okay, I’ve plenty, I’ve done a lot of shooting.

1. Being really excited about a new job you’ve seen advertised that you know is made for you, so you send away for the application form, complete half of it, the deadline approaches, and then you excuse yourself by thinking, ‘Oh, what’s the point I’ll never get it’.

2. Booking yourself on a local class for 20 weeks in a subject you have always wanted to learn, you pitch up for the first five weeks, it’s harder than you thought it would be and everyone else appears to be more ‘skilled’ than you. On the sixth week you talk yourself out of going.

3. Having spent years retraining for a new career, you decide you need to have a website for your new venture. You build one, and build one, and build one, but you never get round to hitting publish – it’s never quite ready, and then you excuse yourself by thinking, ‘No-one will take you seriously unless it’s perfect’.

4. You have poured your heart and soul into a piece of work, a story that will help others – maybe a project, a blog post, a piece of training you want to share with others – but before you come to tell anyone about it you excuse yourself that you aren’t good enough to share it.

5. You have a new business, you are so excited to get started, when you do you notice others doing the same as you, because they have been at it for years you don’t share your voice, excusing yourself by thinking, ‘I don’t have the right, they are much of an expert than me’.

6. You create, create, create, create, create, create but never ship (words of the writer Seth Godin) – you don’t tell anyone about your creations in case they don’t like them.

7. You spend half your life personally-developinging-yourselfy, and never feel quite ready to live the truth of who you really are, you convince yourself there is something ‘missing’ and when you get that answer then life begins. (Gulp!)

I could go on.

As an ex-foot-shooter myself, here’s a few thoughts around my understanding:

Are we both agreed that foot shooting – the excuses, stepping back, procrastinating, worry what others think, failing, falling, being wrong, not good enough, not expert enough, not quite ready – is fear, yes?

Now, think about this.

Hang onto your panties.

Fear cannot exist in the present, it only exists in the past and the future.

Eh?

Thought. It’s all thoughts. Projection from the past into the future – missing the present.

You know that old cliché ‘life begins at the end of your comfort zone’, allow me change it ‘life has no comfort zones when you quit bringing the past into the present by your thoughts alone and projecting them into your future’.

See, shooting yourself in the foot isn’t a ‘in the now’ thing.

You are shooting because of your past thinking (and thoughts about past experiences comes out into the now as feelings).

“No-one will take you seriously unless it’s perfect.”

That didn’t just come out the blue. You thought it up. Maybe someone laughed at something you created in the past, maybe someone criticised it, maybe someone told you that is was ‘Just not good enough and try harder next time’. Perhaps in the past you weren’t taken seriously and although you can’t remember the event, you can remember the feeling.

‘I don’t have the right, they are an expert compared to me’.

You thought that up too. Maybe you were taught to listen to authority, don’t question, follow the rules … in the past. Or perhaps you were laughed at and belittled when you voiced your opinions in the past. Told not to be silly and stop being a fool. Or heard the ‘do what I say or else’ line from a giant above you.

‘Oh whats the point I’ll never get it’.

How do you know oh fortune teller you? You thought it up. Maybe you haven’t got something you wanted in the past. We all have. But maybe you had attached so much to the outcome of ‘getting it’ and you can’t let go of the let down. Perhaps you’ve had past feelings of being rejected (not wanted) which you don’t want to feel again (shooting self in foot = protection). And hey, and that could have happened in a personal relationship which has spilled into your work life.

Oh, the angst!

Okay, here’s an idea.

The next time you find yourself ‘shooting yourself in the foot’ do this … it’ll challenge you … ready … do nothing.

Nothing?!

Nope. Have you ever tried to focus while at the same time you were shooting your foot? Pushing. Pushing. Pushing. Getting frustrated, disheartened, annoyed at yourself, telling yourself to get a grip?

How on earth can you find peace with those thoughts and feelings? How can you make good decisions when your state of mind is all over the place?

When you become aware of the excuse(s) and reason thoughts (and it could be a string of words in your head) that is doing the shooting, let them get past.

I mean, don’t follow them. Let them come in, let them drift out.

Easy? Um, yes. It’s just thought.

Your thinking is never permanent.

However when it comes to shooting and sabotage we bring up temporary thoughts of the past.

And if you are ‘fearing’ remember the line – fear cannot exist in the present, it only exists in the past and the future – just tell yourself (over and over and over) something like (and pick your own words), ‘Hey me, this is old thinking, move alone’ or ‘Well, hello, past thoughts’ or ‘Recycled garbage’.

In order to feel what you think, you need to give it some energy, you give it energy by focusing on the thinking, let it drift, let the thought bin itself.

You aren’t shooting yourself in the foot, you are living in the past. Got it?

‘Till next time, think well.

Love.

When I was 10, I wanted to be a kick ass police woman. I was going to be a New York Cop working out of Manhattan’s 14th Precinct. My best friends, drinking buddies and workmates were going to be Mary Beth Lacey and Christine Cagney.

I didn’t really know how I was going to tell my Mum and Dad I would be leaving to go and live in the US of A (I live in Scotland), I plucked up the courage and I was completely stunned when they said, ‘Dawn, Cagney and Lacey is just a TV program’.

Feck!

Before that, at age 8/9, I wanted to be a professional Highland Dancer. But the kilt made my thighs itchy. So that didn’t last.

Also around 10 , I thought I wanted to be maid. I asked my folks to treat me as theirs for a weekend. They loved it, I thought it sucked as they took the urine.

At 11, a vet, until the cat (RIP Sooty) died.

At age 12 I planned to cycle from Ireland to Delhi, like the writer Dervla Murphy in her book Full Tilt. Until I failed geography successfully in first year.

At 14 a ballet dancer until I ripped my knee into tiny pieces.

At 15+ an actress.

This career hijacking went on into my late twenties: arts, drama, youth work, support work, training, ‘healing’ therapies, a stint at reiki and reflexology and even a sorry attempt at horticulture (knowing the latin names for plants is ‘kinda cool.) Sound familiar?

I don’t know about you when towering adults above asked me, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up‘, even at age 6 I would always answer with a job title.

That young, I knew, just like you, I was going to have to do something and stick a label to myself, so that others could identify and categorise me with what I got paid for.

Urgh! Urgh!

Not once to I ever remember saying:

I want to be really really happy.

I want to my life to be remarkable.

I want to be free to create.

I want to be healthy.

I want to live long enough.

I want to do stuff that matters.

I want to be masterful at something.

I want to be able to change my mind.

I don’t want to be the one who didn’t have enough time.

I don’t want to be the one who waited and waited.

I don’t want to be identified with a job title.

You?

How young we both were conditioned for the world of work huh?

As children, we are given toys that replicate an adult world: helmets, outfits of uniformed professions, the games and presents – all preparing us for the world of work.

Can I say this? You are not your job. Your career. Your business. Your wage. Your title. Your salary.

You are so much more.

Nothing real can be threatened.  Nothing unreal exists.You are allowed to change.

And you don’t need to explain to another single living soul your reasons for doing so, or ever apologise for choosing another path.

You will wake up.

You’ve probably heard people say that the relationship break up was because, ‘They had changed’, or ‘I had changed’ or, ‘They weren’t the person I married/fell in love with/met, we wanted different things’.

This isn’t a post about special relationships. Well, that’s not really true, it is about the longest relationship you ever going to have, the one with yourself.

Ever wanted to break-up with yourself?

Your old ways.

Your old beliefs.

Your old values.

You’re allowed. Permitted. 100% okay.

Why would you keep to a path that no longer fits who you have become?

You can turn around. Walk away. Make better plans.

You can quit a path. Even the one you planned so long to take.

You can change your path. Walk ones never trodden.

You don’t ever have to stick with something because others expect it from you.

If you’ve changed your mind, the world you cannot do anything but change around you. You’ll be seeing and perceiving it with the new thought, not the old.

You are going to change. You are changing now. You will grow. You will develop. And, yes, you will mature. You will have new experiences that waken you to a new way of living your life.

You can make alterations. You can break up with ideas and plans because they aren’t what you want anymore.

You can tear it apart, rip it up, release it, let it become something else.

You can destroy it. Bin it. Forget about it.

You can torch it, take it a match to it.

Break it open and then close it down.

You are going to shift. You will shatter the old to make way for the new.

It may look like a devastation and a wreck, as you rearrange and put the new way together.

It doesn’t have to look this way, but it normally does.

A period of unrest because of the undoing.

You are allowed to change, and by heck, you are allowed to grow and be happy.