Housekeeping First
Unlike other courses there is no exam at the end to pass, you don't even have to show up every day for class, you can eat cereal at your desk, and you don't even need to wear clothes if you don't want to. Anything goes. Come as you are.
Okay, as it's Day 1 let's start with a little keeping of la house, please read this next wee bit so you know what to expect (and don't get freaked by the emails heading your way):
1. Links: if you see a little link it's probably leading back to a blog post that I have thought 'oh, that would be darned useful to pop in here' , any links to outside this website will say external link, and I will tell you where you are heading.
2. As you nip along there are a few things for you to download. Some lessons contain loads of questions, so I've popped them in documents so you can print them out and use in your own time, and provide sitting space for your cat if you have one and the children to scribble over - if you don't have a cat. If you don't have a cat or children then nothing will happen, your paper will remain clean.
3. Videos and Audios: if for any reason you can't see them, panic not, it's probably nothing to do with your computer (or phone) but something has gone a bit haywire on the site. You will need to contact the 'support dept'. That's me! I nip into the lessons often and have a nosey to make sure things are all in tickety-boo-working order. But if you are genuinely stuck let me know it's dawn@dawnbarclay.com or hit reply to any email. (Oh, I do sleep, and I don't work every weekend so panic not if I don't get back to you straight away).
3.5 Confidentiality: it's only myself that reads my inbox. So, any words you write will be private and confidential. I am a bit of stickler for confidentiality.
4. Emails: all the introductions to lessons are sent via email (to the address you used to sign up), sometimes I get an email from someone saying 'I'm missing No 4, or No 2, can you help?'. Maybe, is the answer to that. Because I don't control the Internet or email service providers occasionally emails are blocked because your inbox 'thinks' it is being sent is spam. Check your junk folder. Email me if you don't get them and I'll help you out, but give me a little time to this. Oh, and tell me it's the confidence course, that would be handy.
5. If you ever want to get in touch, just hit reply to any email and I'll pick it up. I do try and reply to everything. Try. Try. Try.
6. Scottishness and Understanding. I am a Scot, I am learning that sometimes a word does not mean the same for the rest of the world. Like for instance, the word diddling. Which means 'how are you doing' in Scotland and (as a lovely client pointed out to me) means masturbation in the US. I was not embarrassed, just feel better educated. So, shout if something doesn't make sense, just read everything in the voice of Sean Connery or Maggie Smith (Professor McGonagall in Harry Potter) and you'll be just grand.
7. Fun. I refuse (read: point blank dig my heels in) to serve you with messages that are going to fear you. Life will still happen for you whether or not you manage to complete this wee course. You are in good company. I promise you.
8. I may use language that hits a nerve with you. Eh? I mean, we all have our own perceptions of e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g - words are all I have, please don't get too hung up on a word that you don't use, and I do. Don't be turned off by the messenger, make sense of the meaning.
Housekeeping done. Let's begin.
Now, A Little Background
I suppose I should tell you about my own experiences with lack of confidence, see, I'd hate you to think that I'm just writing this on whim because these days I'm 'labelled' a trainer and coach.
No. I started losing confidence in my teens (ginger hair), but I didn't know that's what it was until my mid 20's (the confidence, not the ginger hair!)
For me, confidence was a really bizarre thing. I could stand up and train groups of 100 or so people and yet I couldn't make small talk at a party. I could lead groups of volunteers for weeks at a time but I couldn't say 'no' to a bully partner. I could cover it up so well. I could teach people how to be confident but at times, I felt like a complete fraudster because my own personal life confidence went up and down.
I eventually 'got it' when I learned that I didn't need to learn anything, but I had to unlearn fear: which I am still doing, daily, because the ego constantly brings stuff up.
Learning to Unlearn
This is a course in unlearning.
Eh?
Yeah, I know it sounds a little whacky. But really, it's that simple. Not easy. Simple.
Think about this for a second , what is your opposite to confidence?
Is it self-doubt, fear, self-criticism, fear of failure, loss, and lack, yes? Would that be the same meaning (roughly) for you and for me? Somewhere along the path, we have learned that fear is normal when it's a lie - confidence is your natural state, not the other way about.
What!
I know, I wouldn't be surprised if you are throwing a hissy fit, it's 'kinda hard to get your head around, especially if the current reality is far from it. However, this is good news. A wee bit of unlearning, a bit of new learning and bish, bash, bosh, confidence remembered.
It's not that simple!
You would expect it not to be, huh? It's simple. Oh, it is.
You've got real shit going on!
Me too. But it's still that simple.
No. I have real confidence issues!
It's still that simple.
But. The unlearning, well, there is no time scale on that.
You have to practice (until you just 'get it'). Fear stuff is never going to go away, you have to learn to manage and control your own thinking - and that is very doable. But, I hear you, most of us don't think it's easy, but that's what fear has taught us to believe.
A lack of confidence is not your fault
You may blame yourself. You may look back at events and circumstances in your life where you could kick yourself for having acted in a certain way, you may think that you have some strange weird confidence defect, faulty and broken.
Nope. Not at all. I repeat, it's not your fault.
There is so much that can happen in life that can floor your confidence. We all go through knocks, hiccups, 'bad' experiences, stress, loss, disappointment, or what I call 'Big Life Shitzle' - unemployment, grief, bereavement, ill health. The bottom line is we've all had something - only the flavours may be different.
A lack of confidence is not the cause, it's the effect.
The cause you already know. You may not remember it. But you do have the experience of it.
First Hurdle
Confidence is such a common word.
We need to start at the beginning and make sure that you and I are singing from the same song sheet.
You and I will each have our own world view of what confidence means, so can we put it in a framework?
See, I have my definition of confidence, I know how a lack of it has affected my life, but my experience will probably be very different to yours. When people say to me in coaching sessions they 'don't have the confidence' I really do need to go digging deeper, I need to find out a few things:
1. What do they mean by confidence specifically?
2. Where specifically in their life do they have no confidence?
3. How did they get to their belief?
4. Where did it start?
5. Where is the evidence?
6. What is the desired state?
What do you mean by confidence? 'Cause the dictionary says:
con·fi·dence (noun)
1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing.
2. belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance.
3. certitude; assurance.
Is that what you mean?
Did you notice on the signup page there was a form asking you what are you struggling with right now?
People do fill this in, and I can guarantee that there are hundreds of reasons as to why people sign up for this wee course, and hardly any mention the word confidence specifically:
- Nervous and doubting myself<li?
- Need to learn how to be more assertive.
- Want to be able to be myself and say no more often.
- Partner and I split and I have left the relationship with no confidence.
- Scared to dive in and pursue what I want to really do.
- Not positive about my future.
- Frustrated with what's happening in life right now.
- Can't find anything positive at present.
- Don't believe I will ever be able to do what I want to do.
- Resentment in my marriage. I'm losing confidence.
- I'm 32. 44, 45, 48 (pick a number) and I'm too tired to start again.
- Life has changed and I need to keep up.
- Struggling to do this all by myself.
- Want to be speak confidently about what I do in business.
And that's in 3 days.
Components of confidence
I believe it includes:
- Self-Efficacy
- Positive Emotion
- Achievement/Accomplishment
- Connection + Belonging
- Healthy Relationships
- Resilience
- Innate Wellbeing
- Clarity of Thinking
- Love
When I look back and review my life, especially those times when confidence as been at it's lowest, it has usually been when parts of the above have been lacking or missing.
I declared myself homeless when I was 25. The reason is now history, the story is written, but in short it was because of an unhealthy relationship. When that happened, I was still confident in the workplace, I still did my job to the best of my ability, but there were gaps: I had no positive emotion, didn't feel connected and sure as hell didn't feel very resilient.
Is there any part your life where your natural state is confidence? Even though you know it's lacking in others?
Other times (in my past) have been in the workplace, I felt lacking in confidence because I was out my depth with the tasks and responsibilities I was given.
What was missing? Achievement and accomplishment and positive emotion, I was so negative and my self-talk was appalling because I was so stressed and just couldn't cope.
Self-efficacy (our belief in our ability to succeed in certain situations) was nil and void.
What I mean is this: our confidence levels can go up and down.
And I won't BS, for some the journey back to confidence can be a long one. Not because confidence doesn't exist now (which it does) but because the letting go and healing the past can be an emotional ride.
Which is why this is a course in unlearning, nothing exists in the past except our memories. Some (like what I did for a long time) retell their past stories over and over again, but the outcome doesn't change, the feelings just grow stronger.
Does that sound a bit heavy?
I don't mean it to be.
It doesn't just apply to the big life stuff. I've had clients who had no confidence in interviews because of one bad experience, one event that so powerful for them, the would retell how awful it was, then in the retelling, they came to the (false) perceptions that all interviews must be like that. The truth is they had one experience.
What happened? They projected that one event into future events. They would convince themselves they were awful at all interviews, all interviews are hard, interviewers are out to trick people.
But that's what fear does. It keeps you away from the truth.
For many they carry scars of the past. Carrying baggage, myths, perceptions and beliefs, stories, false and untrue.
Ask Yourself Now
- What baggage do you pack and carry daily even though it's weighing you down?
- What myths and stories do you keep alive in the retelling of them?
- If you lived a confident life what would be happening that isn't occuring now?
- What would be the first story you would like to reframe now?
- Where do you tell stories so that people understand you and your past?
Think about your answers to those and these questions today:
- When you say 'I don't have the confidence', what specifically do you mean?
- In what areas of your life are you confident?
- If you were confident, what would it feel like?
- What does a confidence person behave like? Is that the truth?
- What would be happening if you had all the confidence you needed?
- What wouldn't be happening?
Downloads
The above questions are available as a worksheet - download it here as an Adobe PDF. Or here it is in Microsoft Word. This is just for you, you don't need to send it to me for marking!
Know Where You Are Starting From
To move forward I always advise my clients to be very clear on where they are starting from. The questions above will give you a very clear picture of what is and what isn't currently happening and where you like to be.
- Would it be fair to say that you are more confident in some areas of your life than others?
- Would it be fair to say that when you didn't feel stress, anxiety or fear your confidence is high?
- Would it be fair to say that you feel confident in situations and with people who you know (and love you)?
All perfectly natural if your answers are yes.
Confidence is a feeling. It's stemmed from thinking. It's not static. It's not self-esteem. It's never fixed. The levels of confidence we have at different times go up and down. Tomorrow we will look at how your confidence was created, how it may have got lost and what you can start doing to reclaim it back and build it for real.
And Finally Today
Reflect on these
- Where are you stopping yourself because of a lack of confidence?
- Where is the lack causing you pain?
- Where in life do you say 'I can't'?
- What are you afraid to try?
Please read this post on the blog: How to Find Yourself Again (Wake Up)
Speak in a couple of days, please think about those questions.
Dawn xo
Affirmations for Today
I always reward myself for a job well done.
Fear is only a feeling; it cannot hold me back.
I know that I can master anything if I do it enough times.
I'm going to relax and have fun with this, no matter what the outcome may be.
I'm proud of myself for even daring to try; many people won't even do that.
I grow in strength with every forward step I take.
Have you landed here by accident? This is day 1 of a Confidence Course. If you would like to find out more and take part please click here.
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