Self-Talk
I say to many of the people I work with if there was one thing that was the difference that was going to make the difference, it would be mastering your own self-talk.
It needs no tools, no techniques, no handouts, no intervention from anyone else, it's all your own doing.
Why talking well of yourself is mega important...
- Your thought patterns can build and change your self-image by the way you talk to yourself (self-talk).
- Your self-image is how you see yourself. So if you believe yourself to be someone who is lacking in confidence and self-esteem, you will create a self-image (self-talk) that matches that belief.
- You will use words (internally) that will trigger pictures in your head of who you think you are. In turn, these thoughts will trigger a picture that will create a feeling and emotion.
- You then act and behave according to the most dominant picture you have in your head about you.
Is the constant chitter-chatter talk in your head loving, compassionate, forgiving, inspiring and caring?
Or do you talk to yourself as if you were a piece of dirt on your shoe? Do you out yourself down, belittle yourself, call yourself names, lies, and judge?
Remember you are (Lesson 1#) constantly gathering evidence and so-called truths of who you think you are. You are building your beliefs and values by your thoughts. If you're forever adding false thoughts it will become harder to undo the 'lies' and instal new ones.
I'm inviting you, from this point forward to become the master of your own self-talk. Or at the very least, for now, become aware of it.
This will take work as most of your thinking is automatic
For the self-talk that destroys, you may be completely unaware that it's happening.
It keeps getting played (thoughts) over and over, until you begin to stop questioning any of your thoughts and asking yourself if they are the truth, or the truth as you perceive it to be.
If anything is repeated often enough, it becomes habit.
Dealing with the inner critic
Your inner critic is the negative self-talk you have with yourself. This little voice when not in check can grow into a complete monster.
We've probably all heard our inner critic: this secret saboteur takes pleasure in being the loudest voice to those who are already struggling with their confidence and self-esteem, this is the voice that needs muted as it's relentless with messages like:
- I am thick.
- I am stupid.
- I am not talented.
- I am not beautiful.
- I am ugly, fat, unlovable.
- I am so clumsy.
- I will never get that job.
- I am not good enough, worthy enough or clever enough.
- and on, and on, and on.
You get it yes? That voice.
So powerful is your self-talk or inner critic, it even goes as far to convince you that what you see is the truth, but it might not be.
It carries on and on, until eventually (whether accurate or not) you start to believe the words that it spouts, which in turns leads you to:
a) Seeking out information that will convince you you are right.
b) Helping you act in accordance with that belief as you see it to be.
The quality of your self-talk (empowering or destroying) will have been a result of years and years of conditioning including when you made mistakes and were criticized, belittled, put down, laughed it, compared to and so on.
Taming the critic
First, you need to be aware of where you're at.
You'll have to work out where you're destroying yourself (confidence, self-esteem, worthiness, potential) and then you can begin to look at replacing the talk from now on in, by being vigilant of the thoughts and words you use on daily basis.
In order to change negative self-talk, you are going to have to do a few things:
1. Expose the critic: find out what it does, how it does it and where.
2. Talk back, yes, this may seem odd. But don't worry you don't even have to do this out loud. Internally will work too.
3. Know the truth.
4. Instil new thoughts.
Let's do this in stages:
Stage 1 Expose the Critic
- When you make a mistake what words do you use to describe yourself?
- What feelings triggers negative self-talk?
- What negative words do you use to describe yourself?
- What positive words do you use to describe yourself?
- What phrases and words do you use to put yourself down?
- When you were a child what phrases did you hear when you made a mistake?
- When you were a child what phrases did you hear that made you feel good?
- Write down 10 things you love about yourself.
- Write down 10 things you dislike about yourself.
Obviously, I won't have a clue what you have written but imagine that a couple of your answers to Number 1 were:
- You always do this.
- You are such a fool.
- Why do you always do this?
- Here I go again.
- You're so stupid.
From this point forward can you try this:
Stage 2: Talk Back
When you feel your inner critic pitch up with sweeping statements, lies, generalities, put-downs and belittling I invite you to get assertive and talk back.
When you are aware that it's chiming in telling you what you're supposed to be like try these:
(Aside: Made up from the top of my head, but I'm sure you'll get the picture)
- No. I don't always do this. This is one mistake so get lost.
- I am not a fool. I made a mistake.
- I don't always do this.
- Stop judging me.
- Stupid. Not true.
- Anything that works for you.
You get the point yes?
Whenever you hear your negative critic, disarm it.
Refuse to allow it to have the final word.
You'll need to become more aware when the thoughts are taking place.
Try it for 28 days. You might not remember to be vigilant every waking moment, but one day it may just click in for you and when it begins you can cut it down.
Remember you (the caring, compassionate, loving you) will be up against a voice that has had years of ripping you apart. This will take time. I ask you not to give up because nothing seems to be happening. You will fight yourself. You may even say 'this doesn't work'. Tell yourself then, 'I'm worthy enough to try'.
Why do this?
So you confuse that amazing brain of yours.
The connections have been well wired of what you do in circumstances when the inner critics is out to play. You have trained your brain what to think, feel and do. You have to create new pathways.
All the work isn't done, but you'll be on the way. Promise.
Stage 3: Looking to the Truth
Obviously for real growth you'll need to have a think of where the 'talk' came from. Usually it's repeated information that you accepted as the truth.
Ask yourself always...according to who?
You always do this...according to who?
You are a fool...according to who?
You are stupid...according to who?
You'll find out where the thoughts and talk were planted.
Stage 4: New Thought Using a Powerful Affirmation That Works for You
Affirmations are used to begin the process of creating different thought patterns, which in turn create a new self-image and then produce new behaviours.
Some people think they are a pile of hoohaa. Some people swear by them.
If you haven't already done so, go to the page with the toolkit (you can access it here, the password is: simplymoxie), and download the affirmations books. There are nearly a thousand of them to choose from.
Today, can you choose just 10?
The affirmation has to be positive, in the present tense and creates a feeling. It's a bit like when some quotes we read have more impact than others. They just hit that emotional spot, we instantly feel it.
Take the ten and write them out three times today. Every time you write them, pause, and notice how you feel.
Take that feeling and hold onto it, make the feeling stronger.
How do you do this?
One way is to remember an experience in the past when you felt the same way. Play that picture or movie in your head over and over until you can feel what you felt at that time.
Then do this for the following 28 days.
- Write the affirmation out every morning and every night.
- Pause for a minute.
- Remember the feeling.
- Triple the feeling.
- And stop when you can give the feeling a deep breath of release.
Lastly, for the next 28 days when you feel lacking in confidence, anxious, in fear or doubt. Repeat the affirmation in your head that you use every night. Keep repeating it until the affirmation and feelings take over the negative feelings.
Let me know how you with these. Some people hate the whole affirmation thing - they do take practice, even the practice of committing to something for 28 days take practice.
"We all have voices in our heads which talks to us on an almost constant basis. Our voices give us messages continually,
and what they say to us affects us." Juliene Berk
“Your self-talk is the channel of behavior change” Gino Norris
“If you celebrate your differences the world will, too. It believes exactly what you tell it—through the words you use to describe yourself, the actions you take to care for yourself, and the choices you make to express yourself. Tell the world you are one-of-a-kind creation who came here to experience wonder and spread joy. Expect to be accommodated.” Victoria Moran
Have you landed here by accident? This is day 5 of a Confidence Course. If you would like to find out more and take part please click here.
