It never ceases to amaze me how some people get paid to bully (sorry) manage others. A trip yesterday led me to to local pet store (they are the only place that have balls that actually bounce). I was served by a very cheery, helpful person (nice), when just behind her, her manager was ’stripping’ down another member of staff, in full view and earshot of around 10 customers. And it wasn’t pleasant.
Okay, I’m all for the giving and receiving of contructive feedback - but this was blatant bullying, ridicule and hurt.
The classic line attached to bullying is ‘Sticks and Stones May Break Your Bones and Names Will Never Hurt You!’ Nonsense, utter BS.
What do you think is it hopelessly inaccurate and a complete lie? Does it depend on if you are throwing the sticks, stones and name calling or the person trying to duck to avoid them? Do you think ‘it toughens people up’?
Have you ever had to work with the person who has created little ‘additions’ to their job description, which could read something like the following…
- ‘Ability to destroy another persons self esteem, confidence, worth’
- ‘Ability to abuse personal power and undermine others and take away their dignity and self respect’
It is incredibly difficult to ‘work alongside’ and in partnership with another human being who is hell bent on making your life miserable.
Actually, it’s worse than ‘miserable’ – sadness and despair, depressing, dejecting, scary and extremely intimidating, unpredictable and uncertain…working in environment where you don’t know what is coming next is unproductive and highly demoralising.
Bullying is abuse.
It’s an abuse of power.
Full stop.
And no, the person does not have to be higher up the ladder than you. It can happen once or it can be ongoing over a period of time. And yes, it takes many forms…it can be blatantly obvious or extremely subtle.
It’s discrimination (discrimination is the process where by one group or individual is treated less or more favourable than another group or individual.)
Same with bullying: you are treated different, singled out, excluded, isolated, ignored or left out in the cold when (usually) everyone else is involved.
You can become aware of it when you are being consistently criticised, belittled, talked about behind your back (or even in front of you within your ear shot), when your work is constantly being scrutinised, or your views and opinions are not listened to. When the way you are being treated is consistently destroying your dignity, undermining you, and putting no value on your worth.
Shall I go on?
Okay…how do you know if you’re being bullied?
- You are the ‘target’ of others jokes and ‘we’re only teasing’ and ‘pulling your leg’ ‘lighten up’ comments, you are screamed at, shouted at, patronised in front of others or on your own.
- You are not allowed to do your job effectively, always being given task that are not part of your description, kept back from what you are capable of achieving, you are lied to, cheated at and denied opportunities and chances (promotion).
- And let’s be really honest…you can be stolen from, physically attacked (pushed and shoved) and completely ignored.
It’s unacceptable!
And you may have spoken about your experience with friends and family who have advised you to ‘stand up’ to them and ‘don’t let them get away with it’…and maybe you excuse their behaviour and tell yourself that ‘it must be you and it really isn’t that bad’, completely in denial of what is actually happening (natural, considering your self esteem and confidence is being destroyed.)
Mmm…
Worse is the myth that ‘the person’ is just being assertive…absolutely not the case: bullying, manipulating and aggression are not assertive behaviours…far, far, from the truth, and one of the reasons why assertiveness is so misunderstood.
Assertive people operate from a place of positive outcomes, and are completely aware and act to ensure that your self esteem, worth and rights are consistently acknowledge and heard.
Bully behaviour ‘specialists’ on the other hand…could not care less about YOU! It’s all about them and what they can gain (physically, emotionally, psychologically).
Sure they care how you feel, you can feel anything you like…as long as it’s destructive and you have no power.
So what are the effects on you?
Well apart from the ‘biggies’ of losing confidence, self worth, esteem, dignity and human rights! Need I go on?
Let’s see…depression, stress related illness, no power, unable to do your job to the best of your ability, sick days, lack of focus, fear and apprehension.
A possibility of leaving job and becoming unemployed and fearful re entering the workplace in case it repeats itself – the list is huge!
What can you do?
Ah…the big question.
Right, shall we be honest…I would love to say ‘stand up and fight back’…but that probably is (no actually it is 100%) the most useless piece of information anyone could give you.
Why?
Well, it’s the right reply, however it may be too late…
What!
Here’s what I mean…
If you have reached the conclusion that you are being bullied you have for some time put up with the behaviour above there is a big chance that your self confidence and esteem has been destroyed and you would not want to ‘face’ the bully anyway.
What are your options? Start a grievance? Leave?
It’s so easy for me to write what to do, yet I also know from personal experience putting it into action is not an easy task…with all that has gone before and how you currently may feel.
The answer comes from getting informed and gaining knowledge…that alone will increase your confidence and personal power.
Learn, Discover, Explore:
- The definition of assertiveness: the techniques, tools and make them part of your own behaviour.
- The effects of bullying on a person (the psychological, physical and practical) and if needed look at ‘child bullying’ website, of which there are plenty.
- The behaviours, characteristics and ‘how to spot a bully’
- Phrases (quote from memory) that you can use when faced with bullying behaviour.
- Understand how bullies can behave (there are different types…emotional bullies, physical bullies, psychological bullies)
- Keep a diary and an accurate record of all bullying, manipulating and aggressive behaviour. Why? You may decide to start a grievance procedure and that counts as evidence.
- Take out the emotion! If a workplace bully has been bullying for a very long time, the chances are no-one has challenged them on their behaviour.
(And I hate to say this but, chances are if you are the focus of their attention, someone else you work with is happy with this…because it’s no longer them. Sad huh?)
We are all emotional beings however removing the emotion attached to an experience is something that can be learned.
To the bully if you say ‘you made (or make) me feel’ is not going to work.
You have just affirmed and confirmed that what they set out to achieve they managed.
I mean can you imagine:
You: ‘When you said that I felt really annoyed and well, quite frightened’
Bully: ‘Oh, I’m sorry you felt that way, I won’t let it happen again’
Yeah! Right! (well, they may say it, but they don’t mean it…it’s going to take a lot more to undo the behaviours that the bully has developed over a lifetime)
The bully does not care about achieving harmony and win/win…so all you can do is learn how to manage their behaviour and your own emotional response to the behaviour.
They say a leopard can’t change it’s spots and once a bully always a bully…In my line of work (helping people change;) have to disagree, yet I don’t think it would be easy!
The leopard has to learn that it has spots first and want to change them!
In the meantime, learn how to protect yourself and your self-esteem.
Useful Websites:
I’m not a specialist on bullying however there are others who are, here’s a few links to external sites that we have come across:
http://www.kidscape.org.uk/parents/index.asp
http://www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=794
http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/bullying_at_work
Have you ever been bullied at work? What happened?
Copyright Dawn Barclay 2009-2010
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Dawn Barclay is the owner of Potential Developments and publishes her newsletter for individuals seeking tools, resources and support to develop and realise their personal and professional potential. You can visit the main Potential Development site at http://potentialdevelopments.co.uk
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