be who you know you are :: let’s talk about confidence + courage
Life, career, little biz – the context doesn’t matter. You question yourself, you worry what others think of you so you only ever go half way, you water yourself down to a murky soup of yuckie mush so that people will like you, you tow the line and do what’s expected of you, you don’t say what you really want to say, you think you have to change everything about you as opposed to becoming more of who you naturally are … and how does all that affect you, your career, your business?
You’ve heard it all before haven’t you?
Be the best you.
Be who you are.
Just be the real you.
I know. I know. Easy to write, easy to say. To be. Plenty of us are being who others want us to be. Years and years of programming, conditioning, pressure, cultures, conformity, institutions have pretty much screwed it all up.
- Is fear making decisions for you?
- Is fear preventing you from making changes?
- Is fear the barrier to building and making your ideas happen?
- Is fear stopping you grabbing opportunities?
- Is fear keeping you stuck and stopped?
- Is fear stopping you taking risks?
- Is fear preventing you carrying out the work you know you need to do to move your life forward?
- Is fear the hurdle to cross so that you can do your great work?
Not the fear of jumping out of planes, walking on fire or diving with sharks. No, the fear that is all wrapped up in the fear of failure, falling, what others think, ridicule and judgement.
Being who you really are (I believe) is not so much going towards something you can’t already do and need to learn, it’s about remembering and unlearning.
To rise above mediocrity, the ‘norm’ and stand naked in the eyes of the others, without fear, is one of the bravest things you can ever do for your life. Not many take the route.
I think it takes courage, guts, bravery, fearlessness and buckets load of love (for self) to say ‘this is me’ and not be afraid. And please, don’t ever compare yourself to another who says they are doing it, dig deeper most people are terrified to show up as themselves. That seems such a large claim to make, I can guarantee you all of my previous clients have been ‘scared/fearful/worried/concerned about being the real them’!
Remember Who You Really Are
This part of creating that life you really want is actually the most straightforward. It does however require something most people live their life trying to avoid, which I believe is challenging fear, stepping away from what is expected and the (false) perceptions of what is supposedly safe and secure.
To make this easy, let’s use the words confidence and courage. Why? It puts all this in a framework we can both start from.
Back in 98 when I started working with people who wanted to face their fears and live a confident life I learned some hard lessons. I believed at that time confidence and courage could be taught, how wrong I was.
I would be standing with clients and groups (women, men, long term unemployed, survivors of abuse, ex offenders, career changers, work returners etc) with my flipchart and pens, spouting out the tools and techniques, throwing up self help, telling people to ‘care’ for themselves and think positively, set intentions and have belief in themselves. Well meant, but it hardly ever worked.
Why? It was like giving people a 5000 jigsaw pieces, but not the picture on the box to complete. One-size does not fit all. What works for one, will not for another. How on earth could 5 days of personal development undo 30, 40, 50 years of programming, conditioning and false learning?
Confidence is a common word, used by millions, but never means the same thing for us all. It’s a complex subject, because we are complex. The same with courage. What I spend time finding the courage to do, you may be able to do in a second and viceversa.
It’s not something that is ‘lost’ overnight, it takes a while to brew and fester.
All those little things like people telling us what we can and can’t do, other peoples opinions on our choices and lifestyle, comments, remarks and put downs all add up, throw in the mix our failed attempts, guilt, shame, the adversity we’ve faced.
Although you’ve come through them all, for some you they may have taken their toll on your well being.
The Route to Confidence and Courage:
I think it includes:
- Connection: that you feel included, not alone or isolated
- Relationships: your relationships are rich, positive, rewarding, trusting and respectful
- Resilience and Emotional Well Being: you can manage your state of mind and take responsibility for how you feel
- Meaningful Experiences: that what you experience daily makes sense and allows you to flourish
- Purpose and Contribution: that you no that what you do matters
- Self-efficacy and Goal Realisation: the belief in your abilities
In here, you won’t find any messages of ‘overnight success’ or ‘instant results’, I said it was easy and straightforward, I didn’t say it was quick.
Where can you start today?
It really depends on what you are asking and where ‘not being you’ is having an effect on your life.
Is it confidence and courage? Are you seeking to build that first? Well, there is a free self-confidence course. Sent via email in a series of bite sized lessons, read more and sign up for the self-confidence course.
Are you holding back in life, career or biz because you’re terrified what others will think of you? Do you want to show up as the real you, do you have gifts and talents that you’re keeping a secret? Then please read Dare to Be You. No, it won’t solve everything but I do hope it sparks a ‘fuck it’ response and realization that this life is so precious.
Something hit a chord here and you just want to explore a little more? Perfect. That’s what all this is about digging deeper, finding nuggets and ditching the rest. I’d recommend going to the resources page, have a nosey and then sign up for the updates and toolkit. Nip to the resources page here,
Then nip to the to the blog and dive in. Here’s a few to get you started:
- Fear + a Seedy Confession
- 7 Ways to Increase Your Self Esteem
- Core Values & Worksheet
- 98 and 1/2 Ways to Change Your Life
- Balance Wheel Workbook
People Will Always Talk, Do It Anyway
- How to Set Goals So They Actually Work
- The Voice That Is Destroying Your Self Esteem
- Is Your Time Well Spent
- How to Find The Right Tools For You
- How to Find Yourself Again
You could dive into an event or workshop. If you are lacking confidence and courage, start with the Moxie Project, it could be what you need.